Julie "supernova" Highland

2012-01-26T20:19:00.000-08:00

So I get a call from the teacher asking why Dillon has been acting differently. I asked her how? She said he has been acting out more than normal, and seems really depressed.

She had then asked him why and he said because my ex boyfriend is not longer in our lives. That he really acted out even more today and found out why. We received 2 boxes later yesterday afternoon that had all of our belongings in them that were at his house. Dillon thought they were going to stay at his house in hopes we were going to be back. I didn't know he was as hurt as he was. I mean, it crossed my mind too about the same thing, but had no clue he thought that in depth.

Scheduled a Drs appointment for him today. He used to be on depression meds after the divorce. I think he may have to go back on them.

Little boy I don't know what to say
I wish I can do something about your heartache
I long for what you long for every day too
For someone to love us, for someone to come through
And show us what consistent means
that I know this year you will be a pre-teen
That you've not gotten close enough to call anyone dad
I hope I did okay, I gave you the very best I had
ever single day, I will be there till I die
Forever is a promise, 'cause I don't believe in goodbyes
People wont have the same promises and come and go as they do
But always remember your manners, always say thank you
for the times you got to spend with them, the experiences you shared
and all the sacrifices that you made, they'll always know you cared
that you're unique in so many ways, simply you outnumber them all
Your delicate life by your mothers side, watched her go through her long haul
With your own eyes you've seen your mom a teenager herself
You watched her go through all her trials, with no one else's help
You see you are a miracle child, you have so much to give
Everything will one day come together, in your benefit
So keep your chin up little boy, I promise you someday
There will be a guy you look up to, I know it's something you crave
Until that time keep focus my love, you have so much to look forward to
But never forget how far you've come, never forget how far you flew

It's official!!!

2012-01-25T22:37:00.000-08:00

...I signed up for the Cowtown Marathon. 31 days left to train!!! lol

Homework break

2012-01-25T19:48:00.001-08:00

It's after 8 and I've been doing school work since 9
In the morning to clear that up, & it's getting close to bed time
Ugh, I feel like I've been so inactive
How to each of my professors I must give, give, give!

There's not a moment I'm not catching up on something
To every class there's so much I must bring
My backpack is so heavy it must be able to roll
On two wheels so I can have at least a little control
Of my balance and that much less strain
Cause I have no room for anything but gain

I'm the first in my family to ever go to college
I've gone for several years, and obtained much knowledge
Though Ive not had family to look up for guidance
Doing it solo, I've had much to do in advance

First, not having a family care anything about school
I was lost in a world with not one single tool
To take to my future and now think back of the times
When my mom and dad taught me of all things that were now mine.

I wish, but instead, I had to learn it all the hard way
Looking from person to person, as to which one that paid
Their dues in this life and worked incredibly hard
Willing to show how much they were apart
With how caring and giving, everything I'd like to be
From a adolescent to a wife, and finally to be the best me

I wouldn't have these dreams and these goals
If it weren't for some people who dug right into my soul
Without them even knowing, I'd like to give thanks and say
That you've been in my mind day after day

From the very young age of only 5 years old
I remember unrelated people making big changes in my little world
From a simple hug or having me over for dinner
These people were consistent, and my heart they did enter

I'm not sure how I have ended up the way I have
The trials I have gone through, if I were to graph
If you knew my story, I think you'd be amazed
A glimpse into my background, that's I'd come this far away

Away from blood family that cared for me not at all
And from how I always felt unwanted and so small
I was nothing to anyone up till the point I was grown
I couldn't tell you the pain of the times I've tried to take the life of my own

Who else has gone through 2 rapes but me
And from one I had a child that I first never wanted to see
It was even more difficult when I felt the desire to love
That no one would accept me, cause I had a son

It hurt and weakened our bond that much more
Then it already was, I couldn't be more sure.
As I grew older, it was unlikely to not have a child
Someone let us into his world, and I was in denial

He hurt my son, left bruises all over
It wasn't an option, to go back where we were
After the divorce, the judge approved my son to come back
To my home where we then picked up the slack
Of each others broken hearts knowing we'd always be
So close from that point as we both shared and got to see
That our love is so much more amazing then some
Who lived their lives as they are someone up above

We know we aren't better then the rest
But just like so many, we've had our fair share of tests
It's unbelievable how soft our hearts still are
And how often, we get hurt and frequently get scared.

We've attempted love once again
And I trusted completely that it was God that had sent
I know this is true, but I can hardly explain
How deep the emotion, and how deep the pain.

Why did I begin talking about this
I was completely fine, but now my face is a mess
My life is one big ol question mark
That time and time again, I feel I've been torn apart..

Why in this world, I don't understand why I came
From any person to me, that I carry this special name
People say to me over again they cant figure me out
They can't put their thumb down on what I'm all about

And there's not one, not one single person
That will get that part of me but my future husband.
I pray I get that opportunity to say
To him after many years, when we've worked so hard to stay
In one another's lives, through the good and the bad
I'll kiss him on the forehead, tell him it's the best life I ever had.

He'll look at me and smile, the most gentle way he does
And know, with all of my heart, that he loves me so much.
And for the first time in my life, I'll feel what true love can be
My heart pounds from the thought, of someone giving me eternity.

Snapping out of my fantasy world, just like a girl
I must now get back to homework, I think I'm gonna hurl
Maybe I will call in sick, so I can get some good sleep in bed
No, I don't miss ANYTHING, I'll do extra credit instead.

2012-01-24T22:56:00.001-08:00

As the thunder storms
And the rain pours
I feel lightening in my soul
With a single piece of me out in the world
That makes every bit of me feel at whole.

Rain falls from the sky
Like teardrops from my eyes
I've never knew of love of this kind
I'm thankful that at one time
I had the blessing of calling him mine

People keep saying I may see him again
They feel the 2 souls that never had an end
Why do they all keep saying to wait
That everything has its time and it's place.

If I fail at anything it's my commitment for patience.
That all I could ever want is him in my presence.
I love him and I miss him more and more
My love is waiting to burst through every one of my pores.

If I could say a prayer and it'd make it to him tonight
I'd let him know, I'd always be by his side
I'd love him, caress him, respect him and more
Give what's never been given to him ever before.

I pray You keep him is safe in Your arms
I pray You keep him safe from all harm.
I pray You show him the wisdom I've seen
Only in him and in that I believe.

"I Hate Valentines Day"

2012-01-23T22:16:00.001-08:00

Truly a wonderful movie.
Made me think of my life, exactly.

...all but "the end". :(

2012-01-23T20:01:00.001-08:00

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh!

There's something that just went straight through my body like a lightening bolt. It was full of excitement. Full of joy. Full of... WOOHOO! lol

I am so excited about being swept off my feet... not temporarily, but for eternity!!! I'm more excited of the feeling of being in love again! Of that FEELING! But cannot wait to get that feeling in return <3

So this is to you gals who have lost all hope.

DON'T!!!

Buy yourself one of those cute REALLY BIG Valentines Teddy Bears that you've always wanted but have never got. Buy yourself some roses to put on your dining room table to make your house seem fresh and new.

Fill your world with love!!! Not everyone else can give it, but YOU DO!!! It's in your blood!!!

Love the world! Love yourself! Don't let let anything put your life on hold. Love! Love! Love! Cause not only does the world deserve it... you do. <3

2012-01-22T21:49:00.001-08:00

2012-01-21T22:25:00.001-08:00

Laying here in my bed
So many thoughts running through my head
I dont even have to look to find
cause, everything bout him is whats on my mind.

I always wonder if he's thinking of me too
If life for him is just as blue
From day one I knew we'd always be a part
Of eachothers lives, in one another's heart.

Maybe it was just a dream of my own
I lied to myself that somebody could sew
My heart together with love I never had
And I'd be able to give my son a real dad.

It was incredible the times we shared
There's no words as to how much I cared
For him and still without question do.
But time takes a toll and the heart becomes subdued.

I cannot say its done that yet
I don't know how he doesn't regret
The impact he had on this heart of mine
To involve innocent lives all at the same time.

Although I waited for three long years,
I was ready for love, I was ready to hear
The beat of my undying loves heart
In the mid of the night as each day would start,
A brand new love each awaking morning
From my heart thats incapable of not pouring.

I cannot smell him on this pillow anymore
Is it a sign of him leaving my core?
The inner most parts so deep down inside
That now I feel I must try and hide.

I felt if he cared, he wouldntve gone astray
We used to be so close, now were so far away.
If he truly loved me, he'd still be here
Something's going on, something's not sincere.

I don't think it was about the healing climb
Cause if it were, I'd been lied to two times.
He told me he was over it two years ago.
How is it possible, this much later, begin to show?

Things were so perfect, I don't understand it at all
I don't think he'll ever come back around or even call
I must get passed another heartache
And know, just know that a heart has been saved,
Just for me from God above
That nothing compares to unconditional love.

Makeup studio on Wheels! Not recommended.

2012-01-21T19:26:00.000-08:00

2012-01-21T16:12:00.000-08:00

2012-01-21T15:44:00.001-08:00

A friend text me this image today. I started bawling. Sometimes you just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Wish these reoccurring things didn't hurt so much. Wish these reoccurring things would end.

Soap makin' n stuff

2012-01-21T11:35:00.001-08:00

Source: candleandsoap.about.com via Julie on Pinterest

Have you ever?

2012-01-21T10:25:00.000-08:00

2012-01-21T09:55:00.001-08:00

Bit of a lonely day. Dillon's out with the guys. He needs that. I'm just wanting someone to hold onto me tightly. Luckily I know what that feels like,.. just want it forever.
Looking forward to this healing to be done. So maybe,.. just maybe,.. God introduces me to love once again. He knows my desires. He knows I try to convince myself I'm fine. When I'm not. I make things look so much brighter, so much more exciting, so much happier... then what is really deep inside.

This will pass. Just like everything else in my past.

2012-01-20T21:46:00.001-08:00

Baby Abigail visit

2012-01-20T20:14:00.001-08:00

I had such a wonderful time tonight. My wonderful friend Tereasa came over to visit. I got to meet baby Abigail. Oh my goodness, I fell in love.

I got out blankets, pillows, necklaces, headbands, and all kinds of stuff to take some pictures of her.

Now, I'm not a professional by ANY means but I think I did an okay job. It was really difficult cause she kept crying, rolling over, getting hungry and more. Plus, I took them with my iPhone. I don't know how baby photographers do what they do! Amazing! My favorite is the green up close one <3

2012-01-20T14:44:00.001-08:00

"The people who want to stay in your life, will always find a way."

Over 11,000 blog views

2012-01-20T13:59:00.001-08:00

Wow! I wish I would have started the counter a long time ago! This counter started when I reformatted the encryption of this blogger layout, about 9 months ago. This is exciting :)

I hope that I've been able to help you guys in some sort of way. XOXO

This was just during a moment I was on my page, stalking y'all while you stalk me. lol

Top 4 list of names people have searched for in their search engine, who have ended up at my blog. I don't think they were trying to find me at all. lol

Ya'll sure hit up my blog hardcore tonight!!!

Today. Tomorrow. And the days after that...

2012-01-20T09:27:00.001-08:00

So today is my "Friday Free-day"!

There's so much I'm knocking out. All homework I've been completing the day of classes.

First, let me explain my classes. 2 days a week for each class, Mon-Thur. My Art class is longest. 4 hours long!!! She is very low key. Like, low key enough that I'll probably see some students take advantage of her. Anyways, it's going to be a wonderful class. She seems to be extremely talented. Not many people know, but art runs in my bloodline. I kinda gave up drawing after someone had stolen my portfolio many years ago. It was years and years of work. I'm excited to now express my life and emotions not only through my writing, but through my drawings.

My second is Math. Ugh. That should say it all. Everything is done online... yet we still have class? My professor wears hearing aids but he still can't hear you. Which makes it even more uncomfortable asking a question of trying to understand... twice. Maybe three times. Not that I had to... yet. But someone else has. Poor thing. lol
He seems like he may be one tough cookie. But over all, very nice.

Fitness & Wellness is going to be a blast, I can already tell. The professor is fit and bald, lol. There's actually a lot we must do for this class, but with what I've planned (outside of class) that by the end of semester, I will be at my goal weight. Dates and everything organized, school lets out the weekend Hurricane Harbor opens their doors. So it's perfect perfect perfect. And extremely healthy!!!

My reading teacher is LOUD, STERN, OCD, ORGANIZED, and there's no room for failure!!! Most students probably wouldn't like this type of professor, but she is my favorite. Just because she knows EXACTLY what she's doing. It's definitely going to be a test, knowing her 13 year old son is in college already but I don't necessarily have a problem in this subject.

I sit up front in all my classes and have 110% focus.
In the mornings I have my "fun" classes, and in between I study, have a small lunch and take an energy pill. That REALLY makes me focus on my "serious" classes. lol. I don't know what it does to the brain, maybe more blood circulation or something but it sure does help, on top of my vities in the morning!

So as you see, I have not one professor alike. I mean, they're so dramatically different that they would all be on opposite sides of the spectrum. They're all SO unique!

This week, I seem to have already gotten into a rhythm. That was the fastest yet!

God is really blessing me with work. After so many years, my name is really starting to blossom. Getting calls daily, booking appointments like crazy. It's the challenge of keeping up with everything that I have going on that makes it exciting. He sure works in mysterious ways. Though a breakup is not easy in the least, if it were to happen, that would have been the moment.
Another job opportunity. My friend is looking into buying a Spa. Though he has no license or anything, he's asked me to run it if he purchases it. We will see what happens. Big things happening. Big things.

Today, I have to take a lot of things back to the stores where I purchased them. Pants, shirts, dishes, glasses. It sucks but I must get it behind me now. No holding onto uncertainties.

We've not had much of a winter, not complaining whatsoever! It feels amazing outside. I'm just a little fearful of the summer to come.

If I didn't have a 150 gallon fish tank, I'd wouldn't have to keep my house at a certain temp. Which kinda sucks cause my elec bill runs up quite a but. Last summer wasn't so bad. I went the white trash route and put in a window unit next to the fish tank to keep it cooler. It made it through the 120 degree weather pretty successfully.

I haven't updated much in the last year or so. I've kinda run out of words at times. But I'm learning to use the words I have that are to me not the most uplifting, but force myself to still write them down to help someone else who may just be going through the same thing.

Long blog, but hope you enjoyed this little glimpse into my life.

Love,
Julie

2012-01-19T06:39:00.001-08:00

To thine own self be true.

Shakespeare

You rob yourself when you make choices... based on your own understanding.

2012-01-19T06:19:00.001-08:00

Jumping to conclusions about my status updates, thinking I have blocked my posts from an individual just because there has not been any status updates on my wall.

Once again, I get pushed down just because I have done or have not done something to someone else's capability.

No one takes into consideration that I may have not posted anything at all. No one has taken into consideration that when I'm quiet,... I'm hurting. Bad.

So when a person thinks in a selfish manner, excludes that there may be feelings of others, and goes on to delete the few things we shared together on their page. It tears my heart to shreds. Even more than not having the words to update my status. The pain multiplies.

When I have done nothing wrong.

Especially in this "I only have Facebook because of you." If this was the case, you know I'd see what you've done. It's like taking a stab to my heart.

I thought. I thought. I thought I meant so much more than to intentionally put yourself forward and hurt me in the process.

My few messages and pictures were deleted. Which means to me 2 things. 1, it was an intentional stab that was to lead in the want of me not being there anymore. Which is how I felt when I didn't even exist any longer.
2, to keep me hidden because there is or will be soon, someone else.

My heart doesn't work this way. I have a loving a giving heart and when you LOVE someone, you don't hurt them. You become a team as that person is part of you. That I feel what they feel or they feel what I feel.
That's. Love. There's no room for pain and heartache. There's no room for games.

You robbed yourself when you thought of your feelings first. When something so honest and pure and at a extremely critical time in my life,.. Because of no posts... this is what I deserve.
You robbed yourself that when you chose to make decisions based on your own understanding about ME without understanding at all, it would only come back that if this is what you really want SO badly...
Ill give it to you.

You robbed yourself of me.

#Unfriend. :(

Let it burn

2012-01-18T20:03:00.001-08:00

http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US#/watch?v=xc1xCCiqfIs

2012-01-16T20:40:00.001-08:00

These past 9 days have felt like its been a full year.
First it was so long for the anticipation of the arrival of my oh so amazing man, then it changed to I'm not going to get to see him this weekend now, or maybe even for a very long time if not, forever :( so the weekend approached and I made sure to make plans with friends so I could get this weekend behind me. And though I had a wonderful time with those friends, I knew that time would have been that much more wonderful with him.

As they say, time heals all wounds. And though this is valid to a point, the wound that I carry is the same wound re-opened. It's the love wound. It feels as if when I fall in love, it takes that person to go through much scar tissue, but once inside, the procedure is not complete and the wound is left open.

If it wasn't for God, my limbs would eventually lose blood circulation and there would be no more left of me.

But each time, I seem to jump up and run the marathon with the wound wide open. Though it gushes, God replaces.
Though God replaces, someone will be there one day to kiss it all better.

Though I feel my mourning not quite over, the race is about to begin. My focus needs to be set straight and my plans to finish this race will be by the grace of God. This finish line is my goal. Though I have many goals, it will be just like a marathon, where every turn, there are people rooting you on! Running through the finish line will be the ultimate goal and receiving the medal will be an major accomplishment.

I feel a tug at my heart about some unexpected changes though. I'm not sure what it is yet or if it is God telling me to go this route but it's a big deal, and changes my studies. In the mean time, I must knock out this semester.

Big big plans ahead.

Let's go!

2012-01-16T16:59:00.001-08:00

I promise God, I truly am trying my very best to trust.
It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. So much.

6,840,507,000

2012-01-16T13:20:00.001-08:00

You'd question, with a world so big, filled with so many people,How in the world could 1 girl feel so lonely?
And out of all the places in the world, she lives in a busy city,But too scared to show her face to all the phonies.

How is it not possible, to find one single person like me,
I am terrified to open up this heart, that few have been able to see.

I cannot believe I feel this happening,
The wall so tall, so strong and wide
That I cannot see it, behind everyone else's stride.
The footsteps seem to trample my heart
It's already too late, it's fallen apart.

Not sure how to fix what's left,
Im blind of hope, my heart is a mess.
Its so hard to get up and go,
No blood pumping through my veins,
And no family to show.

How is it possible to cry so many tears
When all you've been was strong for all these years
You've stood tall, now your cradled in bed
When are you going to get it through your thick little head?

You've been blessed with talent, and so much more,
Get up and go, Go conquer this world!
There's 6,840,507,000 people here
Learn some new languages, it's your time to steer!

Change people's lives, do what you do,
But no matter through pain, always be you.
People will change, and break your heart,
But remember Me, I'll always be a part,
I'll never give up like they always have,
I'm the One, you always had.

So continue to love, just like you do
Don't ever give up, keep following the truth.
Your heart is not like another out there
But there is another that's just as rare.

Be patient my dear, heal once again
I promise you love, you'll win in the end.

2012-01-16T07:58:00.001-08:00

I'm looking forward to the moment someone makes me feel special.
I'm looking forward to the times when someone thinks of me as a treasure.
When my only experiences have ended with let downs and pains
I'm not sure anymore if I am willing to take this chance again.

It hurts deep inside, I cannot even explain
I've just wanted someone to love this broken name
Julie Highland, a girl with SO much love
Julie Highland, a girl that can't get enough.

After 3 years of waiting for my Prince to come
With the times we had, wouldn't have guessed my heart to be trumped.
I catered to his every need,
I cannot do this again, my heart begins to bleed.

Why do I give my love so unintentionally?
Why do I keep thinking, there is someone out there for me?
I'm ripped to shreds,
TRYING to think of the best..
Of times I had throughout my life,
that maybe I'm never to be a wife.

I pray to you, God, all the time
Are my eyes & ears faulty? Cause I never get a sign.
I don't quite understand how my heart is always set up
By ones who said they love me, loved me so much.

I'm beginning to get confused as to what love is
It's spiraling out of control, is there something I missed?
I look in the mirror and see my reflection,
To see a girl, who's only known rejection.

As tears stream down my face, I don't know the things I did.
That somewhere, I did something, to make things turn out like this.
But I go over and over it in my head
Like a pencil to paper, writing with lead
I write all the good, but find nothing bad
I cannot figure out, why my heart feels mislead.

If life is full of lies, and I cannot see,
Then God, why am I here? I don't want to breath.
But you've told me time and time again,
Through every trial, you must comprehend,
Child, you mean so much to me,
You survived through so much,
You will be set free.
You have a purpose, but I cannot share
The gifts that I bring you,
As I'll be standing there...

Just stay strong, my little girl,
You will find love, one day in this broken world.

2012-01-09T11:46:00.001-08:00

We may not get another hug
We may not get another kiss
But one thing that I know for sure
Is you'll be very missed.

With what I've lived, I've experience one thing
That my heart rejoiced and my lips would sing
Of infinite love my heart could bring
Of holiday bells that never had a ring...

...until the season that I met you
My world so bright. It felt so true.
That you would be my miracle
That wasn't quite ready
Ready no more.

But my heart still smiles from the moments we had
For just a moment I was your comrade :)
goodbyes are so hard so say
As bad as I want, I cannot stay...

...in your presence I cannot give..
You the healing you need
That you must learn to live..
Complete alone, before you can give your own,
But there's one who sits upon the thrown
Who's there with you and open arms
Waiting for you to simply
Look Him in the eyes
Of the only one that's capable of brightening up your life.

You've met Him before
You'll adore Him once more
All trials you will trust in the palm of His hands
Where the nails pierced palms, all along this was part of His plan

That you are safe wherever He is
In good times and bad, your tears are His kiss
For you and only you, He loves you that much
That each tear that falls from your eyes,
Is the places only He can touch
Its a way of telling you He's by your side
And He'll be there during your lifelong ride.

This is the reason, that I must depart.
A special key has been created
To to open this heart..
Mine and yours, we go our separate ways
But in my heart, you'll forever stay.

Maybe

2012-01-08T14:34:00.001-08:00

Though I cannot make any promises about my future, I can say right now, what I want my future to hold.

I drew your heart on my hand

2012-01-03T18:30:00.001-08:00

I drew your heart on my hand
To help you understand
How much you mean to me
And how I feel like we could be

A lasting memory
That everyone can see
But you have to believe
That's it's just you and me

No one gets in between
The love that is seen
No room for jealousy
It's only you and me

That doesn't mean we can't spread the love
But it must be contained just enough
That I am known as the one who's not leaving your life
I don't want you to live a lie of lullabies

My life is in your hands
I'm trusting Him with this plan
That my heart is safe where it is
And that it's sealed with a kiss

I pray my trials are through
As to why God brought me to you
With one question I hope to understand
Will you forever and always be my man?

Will you caress my scars?
Will you rescue me from behind these bars?
Will you hold me in the rain?
Through all gains and pains?

I drew your heart on my hand
To help you understand
How much you mean to me
And how I feel like we could be

Thoughts

2012-01-01T19:54:00.001-08:00

I had a conversation with Lucky tonight and after talking to him, I realized something.

Although I felt like my brain interrupted him talking to me,... It was something I felt so strongly about.

For some reason I imagined different types of travel in relating to communication I've experienced.

There is inner city railroad travel. Where the community train travels to the next city and ends. It ends. Like... Communication with some people... It just ends. There's no way it could go any further without major overhaul or it going off tracks. Communication in this pattern has no happy ending. It just... ends. No satisfaction. No results. No nothing.

Then there's the Universal Train. The train the travels throughout he states and even Canada. He only problem with this, though they can go a distant... they continuously go around and around and around in circles. Still... never finding that satisfaction. It's selfish in a way. Because the train just goes around and around and around.

With Lucky, I have noticed something with him that no one of my past ever had.

It's beyond some people's comprehension. It's a communication type that surpasses city trains, that surpasses Union trains, that surpasses planes.

I would refer his communication to this piece of equipment, carefully designed for many years, in absolutely no rush (because imperfection is caused by rushing), but slowly constructed of the perfect materials to launch. His form of communication is a shuttle. A for transportation as to where you can see everyone left behind. You can see the stars up close and personal. He speaks beyond people's form of communication style. It is not basic. It's in depth. There is reason to each matter. There is love behind each thought out word. Though far from slow. A quick thinking/listening/speaking individual, he puts things together that seem to take others a year to find.
He digs deep. He finds he solution. And he caresses it. He feeds it. He loves it. He adores every bit of it.

I couldn't be more proud of this person. And I couldn't be more thankful to God for allowing a genuine person to walk into my life and literally sweep me off my feet.

Though is distance often, we both have one thing no one else has.
Our transportation is our Shuttle.

Meet me at the stars love, anytime you need me. I'll be there.

Love,
Your Supernova

And so it happens...

2011-11-30T18:14:00.000-08:00

After 3 years of not allowing anyone into my heart... someone comes along and tears down the walls in which another man has built around my heart! Someone who doesn't present his title as a "man",... but a "gentleman" that is about more then I could even ask for. My past, I never dated a REAL "man". Not one who sticks by their word. Not one who is trust worthy. Not one who I would trust with my life. Because honestly... they/he didn't have a heart. Not a real one. Not one of those loving ones. And I was hoping in this life to get as close to unconditional as they get. I know with certainty, God has blessed me with that. And the reason why I know.. is because... there are absolutely no comparable words. Words can't even begin to compare or describe. God had his hand in the middle of this from the beginning.
I remember after my divorce, talking to one of the ladies in my divorce care program at church. I remember the exact details of telling her how there is someone out there who wants love and who wants to give love. REAL love! And I just KNEW whoever he was, was going through the same pains as I was going through. I remember praying for not only my own personal circumstances, but also this unknown man. And though I look back and realize I had not a clue as to what I was praying for... I do now. Because this one... was who he was talking about. And he found me! We both grieved of our relationships at the same time. So much pain. Put somehow, our prayers were for one another.
No one of my past was worth my undying love. It's for me to give it to someone who is worth it. My heart is now taken.

This song makes me thing of what I went through in my marriage,... and how my life turned out to be <3

So so very thankful. And blessed beyond measure.

Dear Lucky,
I'm so excited about our future!!! =)

"Natural" Light bulbs

2011-11-30T07:51:00.000-08:00

Okay,... so this has bothered me for quite some time. lol. It is silly really, but I have lived with these things for over 3 years and they NOT DYING!!!

So I have these "natural" light bulbs throughout the house that look as far from "natural" as you can possibly get! They make the rooms feel cold, and look blue and it feels like you're sick and ready to puke.

Sooooo... though they may have saved a little energy in the electricity, there are SO many cons about them, plus, they're the ugliest bulbs if you're able to see them.

So for this Christmas, I am taking allllllllll of them down WOOOHOOOO, and replacing them with the old school, subtle, gentle, and romantic feeling bulb.

Cause honestly... romance is in the air <3

BULBS FOR SALE! lol (There's a whole lot!)

2011-11-26T00:45:00.001-08:00

Who woulda known.
That The One isn't the one to break my heart.

Homecoming 2011

2011-11-08T13:48:00.001-08:00

Dillon had his first date. We made a mum for Kristen and picked her up for the game. She is huge into football which was kinda cool to watch them!

Vegan Bean Salad

2011-10-16T17:21:00.001-07:00

I loved this!!! I threw it together and it came out so tasty!!!

Here's how to prepare your Bean Salad:

1 can Organic Black Beans
1 can Organic Garbonzo Beans
1 can Organic Corn
1 whole Jicama, cubed
1/2 Organic Bell Pepper, chopped
1/2 Organic Purple onion, diced
3/4 cup Organic Cilantro, chopped
2 Organic Limes, squeezed
Organic White Pepper to taste

Organic Avocado
Organic Black Pepper

Tomato

Fresh is Best!

My Personality Test: Agreeableness

2011-10-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

I took me almost 2 hours to complete this test, and $80 later.... I divided them up so it wouldn't seem like one large overwhelming post. Enjoy the best & worst sides of me! I couldn't agree more with the accuracy of this, good & bad. Black & White, Hot & Cold, Yes or No. That is me. Very, very, obvious!!! So quit analyzin'.

You Are Best Described As:
CONSISTENTLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS

Words That Describe You:
Sympathetic
Trusting
Altruistic
Selfless
Tenderhearted
Compassionate
Straightforward
Deferential
Generous

A General Description of How You Interact with Others
"What can I do for you?" These words probably feel very natural to you. More than most people, you are genuinely interested in the well-being of others. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are attentive, trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in as straightforward and direct a manner as you can. (((Psh, counsel. I'll def do a background check on the next people I try and help.)))

There may even be times when you put others' needs in front of your own. And you do so without the expectation of some reward or recognition. Yours is a different kind of compassion; you are genuinely tenderhearted and take pleasure in helping others while expecting little or nothing in return. For you, it's not tit-for-tat, you truly want to do things for others that will better their lives. You mean it when you ask, "What can I do for you?"

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
Though your motives arise from genuine compassion, some people might think of you as "a little too good to be true." They could suspect that your kindness is something you use to ingratiate yourself with others or to get them to like you. Others may suspect that your altruism is a mask for your own problems; you take care of others but never let others get to know you well enough to offer you their care. Some of this suspicion may be genuine; they just can't believe you're this kind. But it may also be triggered by envy; people see in you a tenderheartedness they don't find in themselves, and it makes them uncomfortable so they take it out on you with their suspicions. (((Bullseye)))

Another critical response others may have may be something you want to take a serious look at. If you spend your time taking care of others, you may not have enough left to take very good care of yourself. If you're always asking, "What can I do for you?", you may not focus enough on your own needs. You're so busy taking care of others that you neglect yourself and empty your reserves of energy and good health. Like we said, give it consideration and if it doesn't fit move on.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
For the most part, people will feel gifted to come across someone like you. For those you help, you will be light in the darkness, a hand up when they've fallen into a ditch. Your true graciousness and selflessness is rather rare these days and is often a breath of fresh air in this all too often dog-eat-dog world. Others will see in you the kindness that each of us seeks in life, both in our own characters and in our relationships with others. And you will become a model of that honest compassion; someone others may even look up to. Hopefully that feels okay to you.

My Personality Test: Openness

2011-10-14T07:31:00.000-07:00

On the Openness Dimension you are:
CURIOUS

Words That Describe You:
Original
Inventive
Thinker
Brave
Eccentric
Avant-Garde
Out-of-Touch
Unique

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences
You think like an artist. Or better, you SEE like an artist. While most people look at life's straight lines, its height and depth and width, you're bending the lines with your imagination and turning black and white into shades of blue and yellow. And in conversations at work or with your friends you want to ask, "Do you see what I see?" A few might, most don't, but you've piqued everyone's curiosity with your own original and inventive ways of thinking.

You can, if you must, think in conventional ways. But left on your own, you'll usually opt for the eccentric or avant-garde; in fact you're usually bored with what everyone else is comfortable with. You learn from reading, talking, watching people and other fauna and flora, and simply sitting in the soft chair of your mind and wondering how people would learn how to count if they could only use uneven numbers. You are out in front of conventional ideas, bravely originally defining true and false, right and wrong, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking
You drive through life faster than the speed limit, and when you hit speed bumps, and you hit a lot of them with your mind distracted from the straight line ahead your wheels leave the ground.

For people who like life at a safer speed, you move too fast and lose touch too often with the solid ground they prefer, hence their discomfort with you. As odd as you might find this, many people feel safe in the shelter of the world they already know. They like the familiar. They breathe easily and sleep deeply knowing with more certainty how the world works. So although they might enjoy your company and be curious about your latest notion of how to count backwards by threes, they can only take you in small doses. And they wish you'd quit trying to push the boundaries of their personal and social cosmos.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Even those whom you make uncomfortable know, as just about everyone does, that you're not a flake. You think well, and even your wildest fancies have their roots in the deep soil of sound ideas and tested beliefs. So even if some people don't want to drive at high speed with you, they will respect you for your courage as an innovative and unconventional thinker. You lend color and imagination to what would otherwise be the straight black and white lines of their work world and social environments.

A few more daring people of your circle might even learn from you to take a risk they would otherwise never consider. As comfortable as they are on solid ground, they may be curious about what it would be like to go faster than the speed limit, or paint the living room two shades of blue, or question ideas or beliefs they've fingered like sacred beads since they were children.

After all, they watch you do it, and you seem no worse for the risks you take. In fact, your eyes are wider and your breath quicker, and maybe they can find at least a bit of this for themselves. To be certain, they don't want their wheels to leave the ground, but maybe the next time they approach a speed bump they might just brace themselves and speed up just a little bit.

(((Always, always, always learning... whether it be by book, my experiences or by ~other people~.)))

My Personality Test: Emotional Stability

2011-10-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

Introduction to Emotional Stability
We're born with the capacity to feel deeply, so it's as natural as breathing to experience a range of emotions. Fear and joy and sadness, anger and shame and disgust lie somewhere within each of us. Ah, but to what extent do we control these emotions, and to what extent do they control us? How you answer this question of how your emotions play out in your life has a great deal to do with your levels of personal satisfaction and with the character of your relationships with others. Do you manage your emotions well, keeping them in check with your thinking and your willpower, or are you someone who lets emotions have their way, giving in to the wild dance of feelings? The following paragraphs describe your emotional range in terms of being a person who is emotionally steady or someone who is responsive to whatever feelings swell up in you.

On Emotional Stability you are:
VERY STEADY

Words That Describe You:
Calm
Stable
Composed
Unflappable
Confident
Secure
Collected
Controlled
Poised

A General Description of Your Reactivity
Everyone, including you, runs into those moments when emotions rise up and you get caught off guard and have to deal with someone whose feelings are out of control. Life just comes at us like this. When you face such moments you are steady, composed, and as solid as a rock. While others might be swept up in the emotions of the moment, you are able to remain calm and collected. When others cannot think straight you remain unflappable and clear-headed. A fundamental truth about you when it comes to your emotional world is that you are very confident and very secure.

You may be as solid as a rock, but you are not as cold as stone. When life is calm and you are safe, you get in touch with your emotions. You laugh with your friends and share tender moments with those you're close to. You might tear up watching a movie or some tragic story on the evening news. And you're no stranger to fear, when the future is threatening or some danger sneaks into your thoughts at night, you feel the fear in the pit of your stomach. But you know how to get through these moments. You marshal your very competent brain, get your thoughts up on top of your feelings, and think of a way to cope. Before long you're calm and stable again.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
Some of your friends might find you way too controlled in these emotional moments. "What is it with you? Don't you feel anything at all?" They're falling apart, you're as steady as a rock, and they don't trust you to be real. As far as they're concerned, you just don't care enough, either about your own emotional world or about the pain or pleasure they're so caught up in.

So you're not the person they turn to when feelings are deep and they need to surround themselves with people they believe will understand the turmoil they're in. They won't think of you as such a person, so they won't let you in on their emotional moments.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
But others will see you as just the person they need in such tumultuous times. They need a steady companion when their own insides are roiling; they need your calm and confident friendship when their feelings are running out of control. They need your help to talk and think their way through their turmoil.

Also, people who are as calm and secure as you and who, like you, are emotionally composed most of the time, will find you a friend they are comfortable with. They know that when things get emotionally nutty and it's hard to find solid ground to stand on, you will be what you always are: steady, calm and unflappable, just the stable person they need when the emotional world is spinning.

(((I believe this has only come due to trial and error,... and much much MUCH heartache/pain)))
((((My ultimate phrase I use... "It doesn't surprise me.")))

My Personality Test: Conscientiousness

2011-10-14T07:28:00.000-07:00

Your approach toward your obligations is:
VERY FOCUSED

Words That Describe You:
Orderly
Duty-bound
Driven
Single-minded
Self-disciplined
Cautious
Strategic
Controlling
Logical

A General Description of How You Interact with Others
You are very goal-oriented and driven to achieve your goals. Whether at work or around the house or in small tasks or large projects, you want to know what the goal is. Once you know, you give single-minded attention to developing a plan; you gather and organize resources in an orderly fashion, and discipline yourself to work until the job is done.

You will get it done, and done correctly; your attention to detail is one of your most striking characteristics. Whether organizing the garage or the kitchen cupboards or rolling out a new product line at work, you define the goal, think strategically about how to achieve it, and work in an orderly and self-disciplined way to get the job done.

You are this way in relationships as well. You know where each person fits into your life, whether as a work colleague, a distant friend or one of your carefully chosen intimate circles. You are usually quite careful to keep each person in what is for you the comfort-zone of your relationship with them. Within that space, you are very loyal to them; you feel duty-bound to take responsibility for your part in the relationship, and you work hard to fulfill whatever you perceive is your obligation to the other person.

You get uncomfortable when relationships get messy, such as when someone crosses the line from colleague to friend without your invitation, or when an intimate acts irresponsibly and compromises your trust in them. With people, as with work, you prefer an orderly world.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
For some people, the first thing that comes to mind about you is "control freak." They see your careful plans and your disciplined drive to accomplish your goals and worry that there's no flexibility in you, either toward yourself or toward others.

Being duty-bound and single-minded, two of your strongest qualities, may seem to others to slide too easily into rigid and unbending; what you experience as appropriate caution they might experience as your intolerance of someone else's novel plans or less-than-orderly route toward of strategies aimed at achieving a common goal.

Friends with a more psychological bent might look at you and think "fear." They could see your desire to control yourself and your encounters with others as an unwillingness to let what is inside you come out spontaneously, as if there's something dark in there that you don't want to look at. They may also conclude that you are afraid of others, especially those who are different from you in temperament or self-discipline. They may come to believe that you want to control your interactions with others out of fear that what's inside of them is too messy or too disorderly.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Almost everyone will agree and admire you for getting stuff done; when you set your mind to something, you move with controlled energy toward a goal and accomplish it. So if they need someone to do a job, they know they can count on you.

Others may be very comfortable with your predictable temperament and behavior. With you there are few surprises, either in your work world or your social life. You show up on time, ready to take part, and you work hard and stay the course until the end, whether in a job, a committee meeting or a gathering of friends. Many people will admire the quality of your character. There is no mess in you or around you.

You say what you believe, live by what you say, and are as consistent as the sunrise. This clarity will make you easy to be with for those who are comfortable with an orderly, somewhat predictable world.

(((People know this too well about me, especially my ex)))

My Personality Test: Extraversion

2011-10-14T07:25:00.000-07:00

When it comes to Extraversion you are:
OUTGOING

Words That Describe You:
Friendly
Gregarious
Full of Life
Unreserved
Kindhearted
Talkative
Emotional
Spontaneous
Vigorous

A General Description of How You Interact with Others
People light you up. In conversations, planning meetings or almost any social situation, you bring your energy and your friendly, outgoing personality into these engagements with other people, and you come away pumped up. You can hardly wait for the next event, as long as other people will be there. And you're good at it.

You know how to communicate. You listen well, the first rule of good communication, and then, when it's your turn, you talk vigorously and with animation; in your uninhibited way you give all that you've got to the encounter.

In situations where you feel very safe, when you know and trust the people you're with, you can be very kindhearted and unrestrained. You let your affection for and pleasure in being with others flow freely. You're wide open And when you get back this same kind of unrestrained warmth, you are deeply satisfied. Because you are so friendly and full of life, these are among your favorite moments.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
As much as you like being with other people, not everyone will like being with you. Hard to believe, but your gregarious and warm manner is not everyone's cup of tea. Some people are more cautious than you in personal encounters; others think the work place should be more formal, more impersonal than is comfortable for you. Still others, who may want more of the spotlight, will find you too much to compete with once you get your lively and outgoing self in motion. (((Hmmm, sounds familiar!)))

Here's another word of caution. You've been at this warm and open way of relating for a while, but for some people it's a brand new experience. They may be protecting something inside themselves, some fear or guilt or shame, or some private part of their story that they're not yet ready to share. Your openness might threaten them, and they'll take a step back and be reluctant the next time to engage you in the kind of exchange you find so easy and satisfying but they find so dangerous. (((!!!)))

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Many people, most probably, will be glad to be in the room you're in. At work you make the environment livelier and the banter more interesting, so the time moves swiftly and the experience is a happier one. At home you keep everyone connected because you engage each of them in the conversational action, and as a result they are more connected as well with one another. You make home a warmer and more interesting place for everyone who lives there.

You might also be helpful to some people. There are those who need to talk but aren't very good at it. They don't know how to begin the kind of conversation that would allow them to share whatever is in their personal stories that they'd like or need to talk about. You could make that easier for them with your way with words. Some people just need an example and a little encouragement to come out of their shell and get into the greater fun and personal connectedness that will make their lives so much more satisfying. Again, you might be just the right person to make that happen for them.

So almost everyone will be glad to be with you, you make life more interesting for those you live and work with, and you could help some of your friends who need just a little encouragement to open up and find in themselves the kinds of energetic and warm connections that you thrive on. Not that you are a pushover; in fact, you are often quite assertive. In taking care of yourself you also make sure that others are engaged and energized.

Cher Lloyd ft Mike Posner - With Ur Love

2011-10-12T18:39:00.000-07:00

Neighborhood Foster Mom

2011-10-11T19:36:00.000-07:00

Things are so great. I think I am finally starting to fall back in the healthy routine I was once in before the accident. Sometimes I remember things, like... some ways I would prepare lunch and dinner. Some things I would do on a daily basis from strokes I would brush my teeth a day times two, to my workout schedule with my own growth in personal relationship to my Father. Not for it to be "seen" by others, but because that is where it exists... in my heart. And that's all I really have to be content with. Is what I do. Not what anyone may ever say to do, or my high expectations of people. Not worrying about peoples words or actions. Just doing what I do and always have done best! :) I'm just me. And that's what I will alway be.

I love that I have a house full of kids on a daily basis. It's a crazy household,... but it's busy! This past Sunday I thought I was going to have to borrow a friends Saburban, that's how many kids I took ALONE to the movies. Some people may call it insane,... but I have this I guess a gift that I can juggle SO much at a single time. From painting nails, to playing ball. It's such a wonderful, drama free environment. And I am so thankful that these little kiddos that I love so much have such wonderful level headed parents. Not control freaks.

It's a wonderful, wonderful world. :)

The Downfalls to Vaccination

2011-10-04T19:08:00.000-07:00

Flu shot ingredients
They include mercury and other highly toxic chemicals

The list of flu shot ingredients is quite a long and scary one. But unlike, say, ingredients in canned and packaged foods, this list is not normally visible for consumers to see. People get flu shots from an injection given by the doctor. They do not first get to read the ingredients list.
If you do, you will certainly think more than twice about getting that flu shot. Because it is filled with toxic chemicals, some of which are extremely toxic.

Mercury in flu shots

Among the many toxic flu shot ingredients, the one that some consumers know about - and this is quite widely discussed on Internet forums - is mercury. Almost all flu shots, as well as other vaccines, contain Thimerosal, a mercury disinfectant / preservative.

Mercury is extremely toxic. It can cause brain injury and mercury in vaccines have been linked to an epidemic of autism, with the number of children affected by autism having risen by thousands of percent in the last two decades. Mercury can also cause auto immune diseases.

The medical establishment has been staunchly defending the use of mercury in flu shots and other vaccines because it simply cannot admit its dangers. To do so would be to admit that the entire medical profession has been harming people - in very serious ways - for over a hundred years. This could create a crisis of confidence in medical science, not to mention trillions of dollars in law suits.

What it has done is to:

put warning labels on flu shots and other vaccines, which consumers do not get to read anyway.

produce Thimerosal-free vaccines, but these are difficult to find. Only a small percentage of consumers know about the dangers of flu shot ingredients like Thimerosal and mercury, so there is not a lot of demand for Thimerosal-free vaccines and hence, not a lot of supply.
Meanwhile, health authorities like the US Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) continue to refuse to warn the public against the dangers of flu shot ingredients like Thimerosal, citing "lack of evidence".

Proponents of the flu shot and other vaccines argue that the amount of mercury present in flu shots is very small- about the amont found in a small can of tuna.

To begin with, nobody is saying that the amount of mercury in a can of tuna is harmless - especially for infants. It is just that the oceans have become so polluted that many people have come to accept that if they want to eat fish, they will inevitably have to take a bit of toxic mercury with it.

Moreover, the form of mercury used as flu shot ingredients is not the same as the type of mercury found in fish. The effects of mercury in vaccines are still not completely understood and nobody can say for sure that it is safe. All that the defenders of vaccination can say it is it is "not known to be harmful" - even though considerable scientific evidence already exists.

At the same time, health authorities are encouraging more people to get flu shots. in September 2008, the CDC expanded its recommendations to include yearly flu shots for all children ages 6 months to 18 years. The CDC also now advises pregnant women to be vaccinated, along with healthcare workers and those over 50.

So more and more people will get exposed to toxic flu shot ingredients like mercury. The problem will get worse!

What about Thimerosal-free vaccines?

Well, you still have a long list of other toxic flu shot ingredients to deal with. These include:

Ethylene glycol is used as antifreeze. Ethylene glycol and its toxic byproducts first affect the central nervous system, then the heart and finally the kidneys. Ingestion of sufficient amounts can be fatal.

Phenol, also known as carbolic acid, is used as a disinfectant and dye. Phenol was originally used as an antiseptic in surgery but it use was abandoned because it causes skin irritation. Before and during the Second World War, phenol injections were used by Nazi Germans as a means of rapid execution!

Formaldehyde is the chemical used for embalming. It is used in vaccines as a perservative. Formadelhyde is a known cancer-causing agent and it can also cause allergic reactions. Its use in cosmetics is banned in Sweden and Japan.

Aluminum is a toxic metal used as an additive in flu shots to promote antibody response. Aluminium is widely associated with Alzheimer's disease and studies have shown that people who received five or more flu shots during a 10-year period has 10 times higher risks of developing Alzheimer's Disease, compared to those who had fewer than two flu shots. Aluminuim has also been shown to cause seizures and cancer in laboratory mice.

Antibiotics like Neomycin and Streptomycin are used as, well, antibiotics, They are added to flu shots to kill any bacteria that may be present. These antibiotics can cause allergic reaction in some people.

Finally, the vaccine...

After going through this long list of flu shot ingredients, do you still want to take it? We have not even come to the main ingredient - the vaccine itself, the supposedly weakened or disabled bacteria or virus that is supposed to stimulate the body's immune response.

In the US, a typical flu shot contains three viruses, two A srains and one B strain. The choice of virus is decided by "experts" at the CDC, who make an educated guess as to which viruses are most likely to strike in a given year. If they guessed corectly, the vaccine might be about 70 percent effective. If they guessed wrongly, which they did in 2003/2004 winter, the effectiveness rate plunges to near zero!

How do they produce this virus that goes into flu shots? Or the bacteria that goes into other types of vaccines?

These are cultivated in animal proteins, such as rabbit brain tissue, monkey kidney tissue, pig blood, chicken embryo, embryonic guinea pig cells and calf serum. When injected into the body, these proteins turn toxic because proteins have to be broken down into amino acids by the digestive system before they can be utilised.

Dolphin Tale 3D

2011-09-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a blast. Took Chief and a few kiddos to the movies. It's great to be surrounded by these kids parents whom I LOVE that are not insecure with themselves. The only adult watching 4 kids was actually a lot of fun. Capable of taking care of 20+ kids solo successfully is a gift. It all comes so easy and naturally. Although I don't believe it is my "calling",... it's just an added bonus.

Dolphin Tale 3D was good. The kids loved it! I still kinda wish we would have gone to Lion King instead, lol. Maybe I am partial to it n all because of my childhood love JTT. HAHA! Yes, yes I know. Hmm, wonder what he is up to these days.

Anyways, the guy who gained the new swimming title in Dolphin Tale totally reminded my of my ex husband. He being a swimmer, blonde hear, eyes, big smile, skin, ripped body, they looked so much alike, he could be his little brother. Not even kidding.

But aside from that,.. Hazels dad (who is totally hot) I could have swore was going to get together with Sawyers mom. Didn't happen, I think either they have a plan of a second movie (which I don't think will be successful), but maybe they accidentally left it out of this one? Who knows... but all over, it was good.

First ever Paddle-board Yoga Instructor!

2011-09-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

...is the best experience a girl could ever have.

There are no classes offered at any time in the state of Texas and very few even outside of our lovely state, so I have decided to take the challenge of beginning the first ever Paddle-board Yoga courses for Fort Worth! This is a good time for you to learn your yoga, and work out your balance with a medicine ball this winter season.

Courses for Paddle-board Yoga will begin late Spring as the water begins to warm up. See you soon!

A Short Story Topic of a couple named "Brody & Rudy"

2011-09-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

I have taken an extra step to remove the actual names of who I am speaking of and put in a different name to replace it. This is an actual conversation between myself and 2 other people, though I have completely left out their identity and responses.

I couldn't put into words more perfect then your second message, second paragraph. That made me cry. I have definitely been through some hard time (as I know everyone has), but mine just doesn't seem to ever let up. Which I am not complaining, I am grateful that God trusts me with all He thinks I am capable of handling. I can understand just about everyones hurt, pain, or needs. But because I can, and the most recent disaster, my view went from wanting to help anyone and everyone... to completely hiding from anyone and everyone. They stole something that didn't belong to them! And I do not know how to get that back. I am searching and I don't know what else to do.
It is all because of Rudy's insecurities. That hit me so hard.

Here, I am going to tell yall a little story. Something that has hurt, and hurt and hurt.

I believe I started working for the Cache's early 2010. I think January or something. Cause I remember that they took me out to an Arlington Steak house on Feb 2nd, what would have been my 2 year wedding anniversary.

Alright so I DON'T dance!!! And Rudy made me get out there with Brody on the dance floor to dance. She took pictures, then I took pictures of them dancing. Blah blah. It was all innocent.

Over time, and I didn't find this out until it was too late that Cleopatra made some accusations about either me loving Brody or Brody loving me. I don't remember what exactly, but either way, when I found out I was in very much a shock. This is when I started becoming a little uncomfortable. Well, more AWARE of my surroundings then uncomfortable. My trust began to decrease one again, all over again. And this was not good after what I had been through with my ex husband.

Okay, so I was working with them. My job was to be there at 9 and I got to leave at 2pm. I had my office and was set and ready with a computer to do graphics and shirt sales, documenting everything, organizing files, printing up sales reciepts for customers files and another for Rudy's files, which I guess were for Tax purposes.

I was normally the first one to arrive. For awhile Rudy would make coffee, do things around the office and they'd all end up in their own offices.

Well, after some time we all were assigned to doing different things. Since I was usually the first to arrive before anyone, I was to make coffee so it would be ready for when everyone arrives and to do the trash, I believe every Thursday. I can't remember the day cause I am getting confused right now with my home trash day. (After some time, began to feel uneasy about making the coffee from how I felt I was being treated)

Okay, so it was MANDATORY that Cleopatra were to arrive before Brody got to the office so it wouldn't be us 2 in the office building. This part completely throws me off because in MY PERSPECTIVE,... if a person were to make accusations and be so offended by something that really they do not know exists, then WHY LEAVE THOSE TWO PEOPLE ALONE?????
That, I will NEVER understand!

So, whatever Cleopatra said to Rudy I will never know. But whatever it was it really grew and grew and grew in Rudy. But I only noticed it after the accident (because supposedly, this gossip began prior). The accident which was May 7th, 2010. They were what I THOUGHT was family. Or at least the closest to family that I had. Since I do not have family here,... I have a very soft heart for those who are along... and even more so now

Anyways, I broke my neck and they took me and Dillon in. They cleared out their spare room, which was a play room for the kids at the time.

I was on bed rest for several weeks. I remember Brody telling me that he would come in to give me Meds every, geez I don't remember how many hours, but I'd get woken up to take them, then I'd fall right back asleep. I do though remember getting sick several times because of the meds, but that's about it. It took several days if not a week before I could get up to really eat anything other then crackers. But wouldn't be up for long until the meds would knock me right back out again.
Okay, so ANOTHER thing I do not get... if there were such mysteries,... why didn't Rudy just bring my my meds??? I don't get it. None of it!
So accusations began, and built and built and built. I'm sure you can only guess as to what those accusations would be!

It had got so bad that she began to change what I was wearing. She even insisted on taking me shopping (which of course I wasn't going to say no to) but then to get there and she was picking out the clothes I should and should not wear is when I felt like I was being changed.

I watched their kids a lot. He was out doing business stuff, she was doing laundry and computer stuff. After so much time with their kids, well of course they would begin to build a bond with me. When her daughter asked me to paint her nails one time, she scarcely cut us off. I was not to paint her nails again without her permission. And she was not allowed to ask if I could go in her room before bedtime and tell her goodnight. I then, did not feel like a sister... though I still fought for that. She was now so caught up about me being a threat or competing with her.

In no way do I compete with anyone but myself. I have very high expectations of myself. And because of that, I believe that is why she told me even to my face on the drive down to Lakeview. I even recorded the entire conversation that no one knows I have.

According to a conversation that they 2 had in front of me, they had been having marital issues for 6 months prior me ever coming along. And I am SURE that me, being a pretty single lady (my friend defines it as) was just gas being thrown on a fire. Now I don't know what all happened during that 6 months of hell for them, but I know they were struggling to find a location to put "Ministry" in, when they were going to buy a church building and it fell out from underneath them.

Anyways,... I remember a time at camp when just the leaders were there in that one open building. I cannot remember what the mini sermon was about but it was a tear jerking one. I remember that when they were closing they asked for whoever needed to let something go... I started crying. Cause all I could think of was my ex husband. I still hurt and had not let him go. I don't even know if I have to this day. Anyways... Cleopatra came to me and stood in front of me. I started bawling even more. She held me in her arms and said something... I can't remember exactly what it was but I felt a very bad spirit and immediately knew what she was praying over me! And it wasn't on behalf of my husband.

Things grew and grew and grew. If you only knew how excruciating each and every single day was.

I refused to take it any longer, and I put in my notice effective immediately -when it got so far out of control that I couldn't take it anymore-.

Brody talked to Rudy, I don't know what they talked about, but he convinced me to stay. So I did. But it didn't last long.

I found the job in which I am with now, and left -them after 2 weeks, no notice-.

I thought things would get better if I werent so much in the picture. But that was just me and my silly hopes and dreams. They didn't get better.

I tried to reach Candy. She seemed very defensive over the phone. She interpreted something that Rudy eventually told me.. that I was in love with Brody and Brody was in love with me, and Rudy is getting in the way. Honestly, that made me very upset. Cause I tried to go to her about a problem and for her to help fix a problem, yet that is what she "interpreted"??? That disgusts me. If she had any feelings such as this, I would have hoped that she would have called me back and asked me to meet in her office. Yet, the communication was dead.

It had been some time. And I had been doing just fine, still hurt from the whole experience, but at least there was no more drama in my life. By this time, I had already taken Dillon out of TESA in which he shared with Grabby & Brody Jr., back to a public school and I dropped from attending CC services out of no more respect I had left for the leadership within CC.

Several months had passed when one morning I woke suddenly by a noise. It was Brody standing at the end of my bed. Not until later did I remember that Brody and Rudy had complete control of everything during my down time. That he made and extra key for Kaitlynn to feed my fish every other day. He tried to force himself on me. He soon left with my threats against him. I contact my friend Serinity immediately and told her everything. She told me I needed to contact pastor immediately. I already knew before even praying that contacting him would do no good. Because I knew how his wife reacted, I know there was no hope in getting any help from pastor. And guess what? I wrote him a few days later after I had been praying and got the go ahead from God to write him. I did what I needed to do. Yet, I knew he wouldn't respond. And that is exactly what happened. He didn't respond.

-This is not including the time where I was being followed out of the church parking lot!-

This is why I am deathly afraid of people. This is why I have such protective neighbors now. This is why I have a loaded handgun in my possession. This is why I want to get my CHL. I don't trust a soul. I used to. And I used to love everyone. Now I am afraid of people. I am so scared. Explains why I have had such problems even associating with people in the church. Because the people I have dealt this have been the fakest of the fake. People who pretend to be one thing on stage, yet not even a follower of Christ outside of church.

__, I have never ever felt hate in my life until this. And can admit that I do have hate towards those people. What they did to my life, how they changed it, and what they present themselves to be.

I know this was a very very long message, and you of very few know this whole story,... but this is it. This is why I am the way I am today. This is why I hate the accident. Not because I broke my neck. Because THEY took me in.

I forgot to mention the time that Candy told me that "You are not family if you are not blood". That very moment is when made me realize to not step back on their premises for any sermons. Because in my mind, with no "family" in sight... that is all I have to believe in. That the church was my family.

You may have seen a funny time in Candy and pastors posts where they started uplifting the church "family". That was the reason. I believe in my heart that she realized what she said was wrong. -and if not... blind. I'd HOPE to believe there is a LITTLE humility.- I don't have a problem with people being wrong at all, but I do have a problem when people do not admit them.

That really screwed with my mind. Now thinking... no church can be family, cause in order to be family, you must be blood. Now I know better then that, but still those words were so painful, I will never forget, and with what I went through with my husband and his "blood family",.. I am now scared to get involved with any church, and guy, any anything!

-Especially to settle down with anyone. I thought at first, what a great example of marriage these two people show. But behind closed doors,... this is what I do NOT want. I NEVER want to get married again if this is what marriage is like."

I hate that someone would turn their spouse to another person! And why me? I mean, I've had ENOUGH in this life to deal with! Although I think she was oblivious as to what she was doing only because they all (whole family) has a "know it all" personality. So no one listens to anyones anything. So no matter how many times you can tell a person no no no no,.. they surely DON'T get it! So thanks "Brody & Rudy" for breaking the straw on the camels back. Are you happy now that you tried to make your wish come true? Are you happy that you have a ministry that HURTS people who love you??? After what I have seen and experienced, you do not deserve to get tithed to! If only everyone KNEW what you were doing with peoples tithes! It will not be a secret much longer.

I am so glad neither of you are my God. This world would be a complete and total disaster.

One door closed, many doors opened!

2011-09-19T12:05:00.001-07:00

So the last couple of years have been a little difficult. More difficult then I'd ever imagine it would be.

Having been harmed by "people of power" on numerous acts, I have contentment in my heart that God is only preparing my heart and words for something bigger and better. I love knowledge, and I love the word, and those two combined... I am getting a glimpse into the life I am headed towards.

There are a couple of classes that I chose to take this year, only because it was late registration and I didn't have a choice but TO choose them, lol... but I feel as if God chose them for me. Actually... I know.

Alright, so I had been working for Mud Run for a year now, and I guess he's got a lot enemies. I got an e-mail from one of them, by an anonymous person that stated he was under investigated for fraud. Honestly, I have no clue, and I really don't care, but that like many other things only seem to p him off. So because I was the receiver, he chose to terminate my position. I wanted to quit anyways, so it was forced out of my hands without doing the dirty work. Cause I am not a girl that pull that dirty work on people as I have seen by experiences time and time again. So, phew! God is good.

Now to focus on my God, my boy and my school. Cause it's obvious I do not share these things with anyone.

Fall 2011

2011-08-29T23:25:00.000-07:00

So... I am officially registered for school. I only have a hand full of classes to take before I qualify for nursing. It will then take me one additional year to have another license. This goes with my Esthetology. But this license gives me a much more open range of jobs, medical, and retirement.

Feeling a little happy in every department right now. :)

My position changed with Mud Run and I got a raise. Working from home, I am able to Volunteer at my sons school, in which this is his LAST year in Elementary. :( So I am also volunteering at his next school. I didn't realize that until a couple of days ago and I was in very much shock.

I got new tires, so I am ready for the upcoming winter.

Dillon finished his track season at TCU and also finished baseball with total HONORS and is about to start soccer. Then this year will be his first year to register for football. He is very excited. He and I have a date to attend our local high school's first home game next week. Very pumped up about that!

I've attended a church that I seem to really have the heart for. There is so much I can say here, but all I will say for now is that it makes my heart feel pure. It is a non-denomonational, which makes me feel more comforting about my idea of Unity vs Division. And straight up Bible study. Complete, Deep bible study. And real people, with real problems with REAL prayers and people truly wanting the BEST for each individual, not worst.

Alrigtht,... so I have been quite busy lately. But it has been so wonderful.

So I will leave on this...

Isn't Beyonce so incredibly gorgeous pregnant!?!?!?

Could a video get any hotter than this?!?!?

2011-08-28T23:14:00.000-07:00

I don't think so.

Beyonce 1+1

DILLON'S FUNDRAISING

2011-08-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

When you have placed your order, please message me on facebook ( http://www.facebook.com/juliehighland ) to let me know you placed an order. I will deliver your goodies to you as soon as I receive them. I will also give you a receipt. You will be able to use this receipt towards your tax return for charitable fundraising. It's a win-win situation for us both!!!

2011-08-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

Of every song in the world, this is one that closest resembles my feelings towards my ex husband. I cry every time I listen to this.

SINGLE!

2011-08-09T23:49:00.001-07:00

My new favorite song

2011-08-06T23:19:00.000-07:00

How far can you see?

2011-08-06T00:03:00.000-07:00

How true are your emotions and feelings? Think hard. Dig deeper.

I don't think I will ever grow up when it comes to makeup. Playing with color is almost magical for a girl.

Makeup used: Motives

A letter from my inner conscience

2011-08-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Julie,

I know you have been through so much. I know that there is still much pain that lingers within you. I also know why you hold onto the pain. You hold onto the pain so you wont forget. So it will feel fresh when someone else has a similar challenge and you are able to connect with them on a very deep level.

But I want you to know that you still can have the deep level of connection after you have moved on. It's like they say "I can forgive, but I will never forget",... you can move on and not carry pain any longer but at the same time you still have the memories of pain. Doesn't mean you still "FEEL" them. As time progresses, "time heals all wounds". It takes longer for some then others. Yours is longer. I know you have so many questions. I know you don't understand a lot of things that happened in the past. But it is not for you to understand. Maybe in God's timing, He will show you why. But now is not the time. Obviously.

You have been trying so hard to move on. And because I am your conscience, I know your thoughts. Though not exactly linked to your heart,.. I've heard you speak, I've heard you cry, I've heard you go on and on and on about the man of your dreams. About how beautiful your wedding was. About how his mom and dad were your own. About how incredibly close and safe you felt in his arms.

I know that even 2 1/2 years later, you still pray that he would pop up out of no where and end all the pain. But... you know...? It's not that easy.

Let's imagine he came back into your life tomorrow. Oh goodness, yes you would be in HEAVEN! Weeks pass. Months pass. Maybe re-new your vows. But what happens when things get comfortable?

Although you were comfortable before,... the thoughts start rolling in. ..."Okay, he's being a little quiet today, I wonder if I did something wrong?" "I'm at work and the same gut feeling that I had once at school, is he packin up?... all those emotions rise again." "He's not home, is he planning something?" or "Maybe I should double check dating websites to see if he is on there again?" You know that's not a very stress free way to live. So why want someone who left you and your son out of nowhere?

Would you feel safe? Would you feel... loved? You know you would have questions, and emotions that will rise like the moment he chose to leave. You know you would feel pain from the people you called family. "How could they choose what they HAD to know was wrong?" "Blood?" AHA!!! Blood. Somehow this always comes to you as a bit of a problem.

Julie, you need to continue thinking the way YOU do and no one else. You are very very VERY blessed to have these thoughts that you do. You are what it seems like... physically alone in life. But YOU Julie, do not see a division in people as you have seen in EVERY.SINGLE.SOUL. you have ever met. Blood does not divide family for you. That is what makes you different from ALL the rest. You see EVERYONE as blood. United by One. The believers and nonbelievers. You have very high expectations of people. Your expectations are for people to be more like Jesus (whether known or not know, you believe there is a connection between us all), but what is so amazing is that you allow room in your own head knowing that they are people, and will fail, but that still doesn't mean it will not hurt. And though you love sinners to an unbelievable extent, you allow your heart in common painful situations because your LOVE and JESUS are more important then an opinion of man. You get hurt time and time again. People get jealous of you. People get made at you. People hate you. But that is what people are going to do. People are not Jesus. lol. Thank God for that.

You have learned some very tricky ways, by some professional con artists that know how to work the system. But as God called to you saying to not conform to their ways. They will have their own trials. And the people who are called to be the "Leaders" will have to face one of their own. Just then you were thinking... leaders? "Of the leaders I know, they are more like followers. They are people pleasers. It's a show for money. Not much else." You know that if they had no more money, no one would be their friend. You know this. Because someone's word, is so much more valuable then $. What you seeeeeeee, is what you get! You hate to hear from SOMEONE that they are still offering people to come over to have a few drinks. I know this bothers you a lot. Because in YOUR mind, you feel like a LEADER should at least TRY to attempt to be a ROLE MODEL. Not a devils advocate.

You have gone on a date now, which was good. But you also are clear in understanding that you want to build the trust to meet your TRUE Prince. PEOPLE even! Though it may take some time, and a few dates/gatherings, which I know you do not like,.. you must. You must break down these walls yet AGAIN!

You will meet someone who makes you completely forget your pains and fears. It will happen when you least expect it.

You have learned about the good and the ugly. Now that you have that class down... you are aware of what to look for, but most importantly... that the only person you are in control of is yourself. You... are a very powerful girl. You can do many many things that many are incapable of. So go on... reach out for that crazy, fun, exciting girl that some tried to steal away. It belongs to you and ONLY you. Love it and RUN it.

It's coming sunshine... Just let us know, so we can all put on our shades.

Love,
Your Conscience

DATE NIGHT!!!

2011-08-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

Had a wonderful night tonight! I've known him for 8 years and decided to go on a little date tonight. It was nice going out on the town with someone you already know. He's like one of my best friends. We watched Crazy, Stupid, Love at the Movie Taverns on 7th, and hit up Sweet Sammies after that.

We can only be friends. That's all I see. We're just better that way.

Still looking for Mr. Right though.

2011-08-02T17:15:00.000-07:00

To Love... is an action.

To not to love... is also an action.

An uniquely Gigantic Gumball Machine

2011-07-30T23:12:00.000-07:00

http://www.hammacher.com/Product/11716?source=CJ&cm_mmc=CJ-_-3363563-_-5314042-_-Hammacher+Product+Catalog

Wonder what the expiration date is on gum?

You should get some of your own ;)

2011-07-25T00:11:00.001-07:00

Swagger Jagger - Cher Lloyd <3

Madilyn

2011-07-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

Alright, so my ex husband's ex EX wife has the cutest little girl!!! How sweet! So glad she is happy now. It is so hard to get past something that was so deceiving.

I am getting all excited inside. I have this feeling something is coming for me too. I am finally getting past the "Jimmy divorce" thing and have now raised my expectations to an unexplainable level, but lowered the wall to let someone in. There are things I want, annnnnnd there are things I do not want. lol

Do I have any prospects? lol. Silly question. And that would be a no. Although I get asked on a daily basis, I don't know... I guess I will KNOW when I see him. I have sooooo much love to give! I'm just overflowing with joyyy!!!

Page Views

2011-07-22T12:37:00.000-07:00

I don't visit my own page often, but I uploaded a new song so wanted to hear it from location, and saw I THIS...!!! =)

I haven't had this tracker on for very long. I am so amazed that so many people have viewed in such a short time! Thank you for stopping by into my very personal journal.

2011-07-17T23:08:00.001-07:00

- Gordon B. Hinckley

2011-07-17T14:49:00.001-07:00

‎"Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know are those who are obsessed with themselves; the happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others...By and large, I have come to see that if we complain about life, it is because we are thinking only of ourselves."
-Gordon B. Hinckley

Love this quote!

2011-07-16T18:28:00.000-07:00

“The only 3 things a guy should wanna change about his girl: her last name, her address and her point of view on men.”

2011-07-14T18:44:00.001-07:00

As of last Wednesday, I have 95.00 reasons to be thankful.

Reminds me of College Dance =)

2011-07-13T20:55:00.001-07:00

10 Year Reunion!!!

2011-07-12T23:15:00.000-07:00

My 10 year High School reunion is this coming weekend!!! But a few of us got together this past weekend just to connect. It's been 10 years and it brought a sense of familiarity and comfort to my heart. Realizing how much I missed my friends brought so many tears of joy. There's no way in the world I am going to let another 10 years fly by without seeing them again.

The Lion, the Witch and the lack of a Wardrobe

2011-07-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

Alright... so today. D and I are at Hurricane Harbor, and as many times as we have been there, I NEVER get these feelings. As we were leaving the Mega Slides, somewhere deep in my gut or soul, stirred up something I cannot explain. Something very alerting and fearful. I FELT certain individuals we're near the presence of where we were. I remember the step I took when my brain transitioned into High Awareness. I immediately looked at my surroundings.

Though God blessed me with this "feeling" to detect certain things He has not yet taken care of my bitterness and anger towards these people.

(I detected these people as soon as I knew them on a personal level and I accepted them the way they were. They wouldn't admit because they are very prideful, but I was SOOOOO CLOSE to God on such a deep spiritual level and I feel like I not only truly helped in that area that they lacked, plus I helped them with their fitness levels. If what she said out of her own mouth were true about jealousy, insecurity and "threat", she wouldn't have been so HATEFUL towards me, but more protective. Or maybe that's just my heart. But I realized when she was talking about cancer, it was a moment she looked in the mirror. Reading a friends blog yesterday actually made me cry cause it was about people wanting to steal her happiness cause they feel as if no one should be happier than her. Well, I can say I have truly experienced that. And I can try to put myself in other peoples shoes. Shoot, I'd be jealous of me too! And a bit intimidated because I do EVERYTHING... with Passion! But I have never been so unconfident to try and turn things on the ones who may make me feel unconfident. As a christian, we uplift, and not degrade. But I see that this was... normal. It's funny how some can bring kids to the Lord on an impersonal level, but the ones closest on a personal level, they harm the Kingdom. Think about that.)

Coming closer to our table in which had our belongings on it, sure enough... lo and behold. There was the evil that surpassed all evil that I've ever known.

If she weren't so oblivious to the infection she caused, things would have been so different. But when you try and FORCE your husband on another girl, THAT. IS. SICK!

Congratulations on trying to force that into reality. Congratulations on screwing so many peoples lives up.

Flee! Cause people... My face is just gonna get more and more known. And you're gonna hate it. Hm, you already do. But you should be hatin' what's in the mirror. Cause honestly, the white dainty flower,... doesn't cover an ugly heart. Nor does a voice. Quit putting on a show.

Dillon's Photoshoot and the fourth!

2011-07-07T22:32:00.000-07:00

This was our quickest photo shoot Chief and I did. We weren't expecting the train. Geez, wasn't expecting it to be that LOUD either!!! I think my ears are still ringing!

Our time was short at the tracks, but it all was fun and good! So proud of my boy. He is the best little thing God has ever created!!!
We rushed to the Lone Star Park, although we missed the first 2 races. We had the absolute best seats (due to early planning) and D had a BLAST! We both did!

Sports from age 3 to 10

2011-06-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am thankful for being a little OCD. Dillon loved putting away his baseball jersey in our special "Chief Sports Memorabilia" this season. Here is some of this things I can think of off the top of my head of what he's done...

7 years in baseball.
2 years in soccer.
3 years in Triathlons.
7 5ks.
1 10k.
1 Half Marathon.
2 MudRuns.
10 Years old.

Pirates!!!

2011-06-30T20:09:00.000-07:00

This was Dillon's 7th year in baseball, and his first year of pitching. This season he has really shown that baseball is deeply embedded in his heart. He wasn't happy until he heard the umpire yell "Strike", and from that moment on, he threw straight Strikes. Plus, his home run during the game before this one.. GEEZ!... and all bases were loaded. If it weren't for that homer, we wouldn't have won. Then a pop fly he caught at the end of the last game made our team win that one too!

He really had a blast playing at The Texas Rangers Youth Field. What a great experience. He truly is gifted.

2011-06-30T14:34:00.000-07:00

So,.. I feel like my heart has been wanting to open up to try, like for real, try and... date. Ayyy. Okay, so here is my problem. I know what marriage is like. And I know how great it can be. I was in one. And that's not the part that really scares me honestly. It is a past situation I was in. When I was on bed rest, I had never seen such a broken family. I have never seen such hatred towards one another. And my view of people I don't think will ever be the same.

It's like... you look up to these people and though you didn't at first know them on a personal level, you think... "Man, THAT'S what kind of marriage I want!"... until, you get to know them on the personal level. That is what scares me. I don't want to be fake with the public. I don't want to pretend like everything is perfect on the outside, I don't want to be one person at church and then someone TOTALLY different outside of church, but within the household, there is anger, bitterness, hatred, fights, drama... it just didn't stop. And I would never want that to seep into anyone elses life. Because one thing I do know, they they're "ministry" or investing in a life didn't help, not a bit... it actually hindered me from being a better person. And everything that I ever wanted out of anyone is not to turns someones life upside down, but to make it better. To make it more beautiful. So I am hoping that everything I have seen and heard, I will be nothing like them.

Kind of like when I was growing up. My dad made some huge mistakes and really wasn't there for me. My mom, well.. she just just wasn't "there". So you can either grow up to become like your parents, or become exactly the opposite.
We all have choices. And the thing that I am most blessed about being in such harmful and the most evil of situations is that you have now seen things that you have never seen before. So this "strength" thing... how does it come into play? Strength is my definition of a Choice. You choose what path to go. You either become, or flee. So when words have been initiated, though never forgotten... if I get hurt, now that I am aware of such hateful things like "youre cancer to our family", I am proned to use those words again because someone used them on me, out of hurt... even if they were the cancer themselves.

When people's minds go crazy, and make up all sorts of things in the world, and they try in all efforts to PUSH someone to doing what exists in their mind, that makes a person SICK! Like, mentally sick. Then it spreads and infects those around the one who developed the disease. and not caring whatsoever about the person they are TRYING to effect... it is very selfish and self centered task.. The things people will do to have "power", "the upper hand", "pity parties", and "Company of Misery".

So out of months and months and months of being beaten', slapped around, scorned and criticized, I kept my eyes on Jesus and tried not to get thrown off each and every time. I was an honest friend even with being battered and bruised and tried.

And though, I have no clue what goes on behind closed doors, and really didn't care enough after that point, it goes to show that there were still threats or whatever mess goes on between the two. Mess being an understatement.

I'll never be the same being that I cannot sleep comfortably in my house anymore. Even with locks changed, sleep has not been the same. Her ultimate wish became existent about a month ago. When I fought for my sacred possessions. And though I won the battle,... doesn't mean I am not scared out of my mind.

Returning to the original subject,.. I need protection. I need appreciation. I need love. But most of all, I need a true family.

Even through pain, emotional and physical, my life needs that provider and protecter. Or DESIRES. And, whatever that takes. The work in me will be done to make those doors open, and for someone to walk through. Whoever the lucky guy is.

2011-06-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

It hurts so bad to have innocence stollen. You can never go back. You can never rewind. You can never erase. Having innocence ripped away is like having parts of your body tore off. Imagine abortion. Imagine what the suction does to the baby being aborted. But having something beyond your control really screws with your head!
It's hard to talk to anyone. I make sure that if I am talking to a married woman, I keep my conversations short, involve absolutely no investment of affection and emotion again. If a married man talks to me, I cannot even concentrate on what he may be saying without thinking "When is he gonna stop talking and how fast can I run when he's done."

Man, this is the most difficult thing I could ever have gone through! When people push other people to the edge and it effects me, gosh.. I'm angry, scared, frustrated, depressed and way too much aware of my surroundings to the point where I feel like I am paranoid.

I have been through SO MUCH in my life, and I have such an incredible testimony. But what worth is the testimony when there hasn't been any recovery? At least to some of those areas.

I beg, plead, and pray for healing, and as soon as I feel like I am recovering, something bites me, and the pain resurfaces. And no matter what I do, I cannot do anything about it.

I had a meeting with a wonderful friend whom I didn't even know left the same church as I did, for somewhat similar reasons actually, said that she see's my constant cry-out on fb. I broke down in tears,.. because it is the truth. And no one has been listening. But one day soon... people will realize their denial. People will take responsibility of their actions in their own hearts, although they may be too prideful to express it to others,... it will be revealed in their hearts.

Now I have never had a problem with accepting my failures. I have always been overly open, which is why I think I get hurt more than others. People know how to use that against me. I'm just too predictable. Now the problem I do have, is taking responsibility for other peoples problems. But, I recognize that now, which will help me recovery in this particular area. But it still hurts when I am effected by their choices.

My ex father in law said something about me that I will never forget... hurts but made me realize that the WORLD.. IS.. THE.. "Brainwashed Concentration Camp". The WORLD!

How can someone who preaches about words say such a thing as this? I would have to say that each event that they do must be a brainwashed concentration camp. Or this other pastor and his wifes ministry for kids, how could these people talk down about so many other people in which are supposedly FRIENDS, from her sister in laws house being the most disgusting thing on the planet, warning me to never go next door, and that being the reason why the grandmother from out of town does not want to stay over there cause she feels like a maid. Or to their talks about a church friends husband having an affair, for her best friends husband having an affair, to another church friend how often she and her husband sleep together in a week, and how much better their kids are then any other kid, and so much more. Using tithes to pay for nightly alcohol is not a ministry. And for a pastor of their home church they attend to approve their behavior. For my ex father in law to approve my ex husbands behavior. To my ex church who also approves my ex husbands behavior and allows this man to lead people of the church who had committed adultery. You know... after the pastors wife went off on me about a subject pertaining to this... I am slowly getting the impression that the lead pastor may have had some sort of fall in this area. Or at least something closely related.

I don't want to say I am lost, cause I know my Savior. I know where I originally came from, and I know where I am going, but I do admit that I am confused. I just don't understand. Maybe one day I will understand, and maybe I wont. Maybe I will stop caring, maybe I will go in the opposite direction and care even more. Maybe God will reveal my calling o behalf of all the trials. Maybe God is preparing me for something bigger than my imagination can possibly apprehend! But if there is anything that I am certain of... there is a LOT of work ahead.

JRH

2011-06-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark.
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare.

See how I'll leave, with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do.

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark.

The scars of your love, remind me of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it
To the beat

Baby I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you and I'm gonna make your head burn,
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there as mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love, remind you of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could of had it all

Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it
To the beat

We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
But you played it
With a beating

Throw your soul threw every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

We could of had it all
We could of had it all
We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it to the beat

We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand

But you played it,
You played it,
You played it
You played it to the beat

A little bit stronger... (perhaps?)

2011-05-26T23:39:00.000-07:00

2 years, and it only feels like 2 weeks.

The World That Lost A Girl

2011-05-16T12:55:00.000-07:00

For some reason I just can't shake it. It doesn't matter what I do, or how busy I keep myself... the lack of trust from all individuals still resides deep deep within my heart. I've been abandoned more than once. More than twice. More than three times. I have been hurt with words. Hurt with actions. And pushed away by many from the sources of each story.

I don't understand, and maybe I will never. But I can't grasp how this one girl who loves the world so much, can be made out to be all these different things and so much more!

All I needed was family. All I needed were friends. All I needed was a life full of people I can love. And that would love me. And this world has failed me. And when I simply grasp on to the very little I find, it bites me so hard it's unreal. Every. Single. Time.

Over this past year has been hard. A lot harder then most people know. Since I can't express myself to a soul 'cause I feel like my life just gets twisted to the point where I suffocate. I feel like my "all" which I've never given up, is slowly slipping out of the palm of my hands.

I don't understand how so many people of my past years have thought of all these things that my mind was clearly incapable of producing.

And like a dolphin being thrown into a sea full of angry sharks, I feel like I've just been shredded to pieces and I don't know how to put those pieces back together. No matter how hard I try. No matter how many self help books I read. No matter how many sermons I hear from the comfort of my own home, cause one thing for sure, I'm not comfortable with devoting not even a full 1% of investment into any place where I'll be judged and condemned for things that's not even in my own heart.

I'm so broken. And I have lost the desire to get to know anyone on a personal level anymore. And if you have ever previously known me... this is not the way "Julie" works. Julie is a girl who is so happy go lucky. A girl that nothing can stop her happiness. That is so free from all the worlds imprisonment. A girl that loves at no end!

6 months ago, was that tiny straw that blew in the wind, fell on a camel, and broke its back.

The world is slowly losing this passionate undying loving girl.

I have nothing left to give.

2011 The Collections Fashion Show benefiting Children's Miracle Network

2011-05-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

Energy! That is the best word to describe this Fashion Show! What a blast it was! There are soooooo many more pictures to come, including the other 14 models, but here is a sneak peak... Enjoy.

Happy Mother's Day to All The Single Mama's out there..

2011-05-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

Dermal Anchor

2011-05-07T22:18:00.000-07:00

In celebration of my one year anniversary since the accident, I couldn't think of anything better then to get a Dermal Anchor Piercing on my C2.

First the artist takes this circular hollow razor and spins it a few times until it cuts through the epidermal layer. Kind of like a whole punch, the center is then removed. I didn't get a very good picture of this, so let's now go to the next step in which the picture did come out more clear...

Dermal... Anchor... Self explanatory. The anchor, as you can see above, is pushed through the hole causing a "pop" noise... for most people anyways. I wasn't privileged enough to hear or feel that.

This is the moment I asked the lady whom was in front of me if the next part hurts worse. She goes on to say, oh yeah... worse then you could imagine, that first part was nothing. Me... ...no happy. She then handed me a mirror as I took a breath before I looked at this "unfinished product"... come to find out she was only joking. It had been completed. That sure wasn't near as bad as I thought it was going to be!

I bled a little. I made sure my diet today didn't consist of any foods that thin my blood, so I believe I did pretty well.

DAY 2:

Last nights sleep was a little awkward only because I was overly cautious about the healing process. I cleaned it first thing this morning, and took pictures just to show you the progress. So far... so good.

(Keep checking in for more day by day updates until it is completely healed)

It's healed!!! It has been 2 months now, and I went back in to get my jewel changed. I thought it looked kinda cool without the jewel. So here is a pic of the hole in my neck. hehe. I'm sure I'll treat myself this Christmas with a real diamond stud. Very excited to be on the search for the perfect one :) For now, I am wearing a diamond flower.

I'm very happy with my dermal <3

Salty Dog Tattoo Shop
2903 West Berry Street
Fort Worth, Tx 76109
(817)921-5830

Artist name: Bear

365 Days ago today...

2011-05-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

May 7, 2010. This would be the first day since the divorce that I attempted to go out.
A friend of mine at the time, Jen, got a babysitter for both of our boys who were about the same age, and headed towards downtown to endulge in some Simply Fondue. The sun just began to go down when we left the house. We were on Jacksboro Hwy headed East, in which turns into Henderson when you cross the bridge.

Right where Henderson and Weatherford meet, Jen throws her right arm in front of me (as mothers do without quick thinking) and yells "They're not stopping!" We were almost out of the intersection. As soon as I looked up I saw I flash of headlights as the car slams my side of the vehicle. We flipped 3 times into oncoming traffic and the white SUV landed upside down. I remember the flipping. It went by so quickly. I mainly remember after the flipping of the vehicle had ended. I was laying in fetal positon in my dress with my left elbow by my head bent to where my left hand was touching my shoulder, and my right arm right next to my head but not bent, straight out. I remember the lack of strength I had, but I didn't hurt. I know I was kneeling on glass, but that didn't seem to hurt so bad. I had so much adrenaline that I'm so surprised I didn't quite feel much pain. But I knew something was wrong just because of the lack of strength I had. I did not move. A bystandard tried pulling on my arm. I couldn't talk very loud because even the movement of my jaw was so weak. (((Please, if you are a bystandard at all... I BEG you not to touch anyone...))) If she would have pulled any harder on me, who knows what more could have been injured. I hear Jen outside of the car screaming my name and crying, just completely in shock she was. I couldn't move not even a finger so I could only imagine what was going through her head.

When the firefighters came in with the jaws of life... they were asking me questions. With my face planted in the ceiling of the car, all I could say is tell Jen to take pictures. Repetitively. She found my phone in the mess and took pictures. EMS put a neck brace on me and gently turned me over and onto the stretcher. I don't remember seeing anything from that point. I just could hear it all. I also remember that in the Ambulance that each time they slowed down and sped up that the skin on the back of my head hurt so bad when it moved back and forth from the pressure of my head on the bed, being taped to the stretcher.

I knew at that moment I must have hit my head pretty hard. During the roll, my seatbelt had come undone and the airbags didn't go off, so I could have only guessed that the hit was harder then I thought. But I don't ever remember blacking out.

Harris Hospital. XRays, MRIs, and CAT Scans were completed by around 4 am, I believe. The Doctor comes in with the results. Not thinking anything but massive bruising or something. I had no clue.

Doctors exact words (as I lay there hoping for the best) All within basically the same tone of voice. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you're going to be okay. The bad news is, you broke your neck." Nonchalantly. I broke down in tears, and at that very moment is when I felt the pain. The pressure on my neck from crying, you'd never think the muscles that you really use on a daily basis!

A lot of people came to visit,... some of which I cannot quite remember, but this is what I do:
Katie & David Roberts
Melinda & Scott Atwood
Kelly and Tommy Broome
Laura Haptonstall & Matt Miller (which are now married)
Conna & Rick Beebe
Buddy & Ruth Calzada
Nate & Lauren Calzada
Joe Walker
I know there were many more, and I am so sorry I cannot finish the list. No excuses, lol, but I was on heavy medications, so I hope you understand. But if you were there, I really would love for you to refresh my memory. And I want to add your name to this list.

I was in and out of sleep but was released on Mothers Day.
From that moment on, it felt like the world spiraled out of control.
And in so many ways, I felt like everything that occurred from that moment forward would only hinder my relationship with God.

It took a long time, a lot of heart ache, a lot of lies, a lot of gossip, a lot of back stabbing, for me to finally say to heck with this, my God is so much more important then $ or status, or deeds.

The one thing I used to say before the accident, and caught myself saying last week:

"I'm just me"

And I am very happy with the way things are right now, minus some minor changes in depleting my friend list a little. But when you have to move of and "cut" ties... it hurts, but someones got to do it!

This life is all about love. And if people are going to be too selfish to love or lack self esteem to think I am "competing", then I'd rather just delete and make it easier on the both of us. Most importantly, that first part.

Here ya go... I am me. I am only in competition with myself. On a daily basis I try to be a better person. I put a lot of work into this girl "Julie". And God is the only one who repeatedly gives me a push with my first breath each and every single morning. And that's what really keeps me going up! I am a helper. And if I could study right now, all day long to help someone in a 5 minutes conversation, 10 years from now, I will do that. It's not to show off. I'm allowed to be proud of the capabilities that God has blessed me with. That my friend.. being Common sense.

I broke my neck in the same spot as Christopher Reeve. But the only difference, is that the break was simply a hairline away from the nerve. Why am I here? I don't have the answer to that, but I do know one thing.... something very very VERY big is in my future. Just wish I could have shared it with all individuals of my past.

You're homework:

...Believe in someone.

Exposed

2011-04-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

Life has been SO GOOD! Oh my goodness! Sometimes it's good to be in horrific, drama, controlling, gossiping, cruel, hating, mentally emotionally and physically damaging areas cause once you find freedom... you realize how wrapped up people are in misery. Almost like it's a way of life. Phew! Thankful to be beyond that and no longer pulled dowwwwwwwn.

Although very hard and I can totally see that I have aged in the past year (not even kidding), I still take it as a blessing to be able to see under what circumstances some live and what areas for me to stay away from.

So life has been chaotically busy! In such a good way. What a different it makes in Dillon's school grades an behavior the change has made! Baseball is beginning, and next month he joins Track and Field at TCU for the first time. This kid is gonna kick some major bootay! Along with Triathlon season, and all these running events we've been doing.
Crazy how some people follow the things that you do but diss you in the process. I find that disturbing on their behalf.

Sooooo... I'm going to eventually write a blog about what all has happened in the last year or so. So much has gone on! From Trauma to Drama and everything in between.

May 7th is coming up shortly. It marks exactly 1 year since my neck was broken in the accident, so I am throwing a little party at Salty Dog for a piercing of remembrance in being a part of God's plan of recovery. Pictures and video will def be taken ;) Then to ruin my "diet" (if you will) at Fuzzy's Tacos. Nom nom nom. Fish Tempura. Um yeah. No other words.

And I would sooooooo love to tell you all about something else!... but it is Red Carpet Top Secret. AHHHHH!!!! So,... you're just going to have to be patient. As though I have. At 29, and things are blossoming like crazy, I feel like I am in acres and acres of daisies just popping up one after another! Some die, but hey, that's mother nature. Clip it, and make 2 more bloom from the stem! =)

Totally more than excited about life. I'd say come on a join the ride! But I've learned to ride the ride of life alone, free and happy! You can't "help" people who don't wanna be helped. You just catch the Train that's fit for a Queen, alone. And enjoy.

Sigh. Life. *smile*

PS, the book "Waking the Tiger:Healing Trauma" is really a must read for all individuals.

Hungry Hungry Hippo - crite

2011-04-14T20:57:00.000-07:00

I think some people need to stop worrying about everyone else and start looking in the mirror and focusing on her own problems. Most judgemental person I ever met, constantly back stabbed me (oh, and other people) with gossip about my low cut attire? Ahem. Sorry? What a hypocrite.

PS. That blog post along time ago? Yeah? Yeah, I changed that from draft to public.

This is just the beginning...

2011-04-10T22:39:00.000-07:00

Today I met up with big time owner of CAT studios, who works with many TV shows, commericals and photoshoots, for example MTV being one of the 100,000 large companies. I feel so blessed that they reached out to me. Not just any worker... the OWNER! We went out to eat tonight before the shoot and just had a blast chatting it up! This is so my world. I met Tommy Habeeb tonight also. The host of "Cheaters", and his son shared some animal crackers with me.

Anyways, here are some pictures from the shoot tonight. I don't have the good pictures yet, so my iPhone pictures will have to do for now. Enjoy,.. and send someone my way.

Lots and lots of <3
Julie Highland

All Hair and Makeup done by Julie Highland

Fashionistas Runway 2011

2011-04-04T09:58:00.001-07:00

I'd like to document my first Runway show. I had a blast doing makeup on these girls. It was a great experience and is far from my last. My dream... has just begun.
Enjoy the Art =)

<3 Julie Highland

This is me and Ralph backstage. He was so... FLUFFY!

Celeb Team Motives Elite

2011-03-29T13:17:00.000-07:00

He That Is Without Sin Among You, Let Him First Cast a Stone.

The sun will come out... tomorrow? More like 790 days!!!

2011-03-27T19:37:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty big day. I'd say... it's a step towards one of those "dreams come true."

I joined "Team Motives" today and begin my journey as a makeup artist in the fashion industry.

I know I am already busy as it is in my free time doing makeup and permanent makeup for brides, bridesmaids, prom, and photo-shoots... but this has just taken a step, more like a leap towards my ultimate goal.

Next Saturday is my first Runway show. It will be taken place in Dallas and put on by the famous Heidi, CEO of... "The Fashionistas".

I will be working in partnership with Tiffiny Luong, a celebrity makeup artist who has had the privilege to do J.Lo and Kim Kardashian's makeup along with several others.

Don't sell yourself short! It's not about getting lucky, or hitting a pot of gold. It's about getting your butt out there and meeting people. And people BELIEVING IN YOU! You can do SO much when that happens!

...but remember, not everyone is going to believe in you. Some will want to take stabs at you. But stay strong!... because those stabs heal and the tissue builds up creating a thicker skin!

Freedom From Problems

2011-03-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

Life is a problem.
That's right, life is full of them. To desire a problem-free life is foolish. So, lets learn to expect them. It is what we do with them that counts.
Problems are a sign that you are alive. Problems exist becayse you have commitments. I'll say it again, a little differently. Only people with commitments have problems. No commitments; no problems. Big commitments; big problems.
Problems point to what is missing. You notice what is missing because you want something. It is not there, and that becomes a problem. For examply, money problems exist when you have a commitment to pay your bills and money to do that is missing. Relationship problems exist when you have a commutment to live happily with someone and harmony is missing. You have a hea;lth problem when you have a commitment to feel great and your energy is missing.
I trust you get the point. You will never be free from problems. Knowing this can produce a breakthough to freedom. You are free to live with them in a powerful way.
Most people live in frear of problems and become prisoners to their problems. They handle them in one or two ways: anger or confusion. "This is not fait," or "I don't get it, I did all the right things." These people are stuck at the problem level.
If you want to be free to create you life instead of reacting to events, there is a third apprach to problems, which gives you power. You can be free from the problem and therefore, free for the solution.
Instead of anger or confusion, you can approach a problem with wonder. The following wonder formula has produced many powerful breakthroughs for me and for my clients. It is my privilege to share it with you.

W: What's in this that's good? The truth is that at any given moment what is bad is always available. So, what is good? A law of life to remember here is whatever gets your atttention will always end up getting you. It is good to know that you have a commitment. The commitment is good. Focus on this, and go on to the "O."

O: Opportunity is all around me. We are always surrounded by countless opportunities to reach our goal. Many solutions are always available. Look for new doors to open and new opportunities to make new commitments.

N: Now is when I chose to act. You cannot solve today;s problem by comparing it to the ones you have had in the past. "Later" or "someday: will not take care of the problem. Ignoring it doesn't work either because what you "bury" you "bury alive". Now is the time to take action toward your commitmenmt. Make your mind up to live in the now because tomorrow is today multiplied.

D: Drop my demands. All suffering comes from unmet expectations. You didn't expect to have a problem, but you have one. So, stop demanding that it go away. Your freedom and happiness does not depend upon how life looks or what people do.

E: Everything always works out. This means you must have faith that your problem will be solved. Just keep moving in the direction of your commitment knowing that it will work out perfectly. It always has and always will. Isn't it true that many of the problems of the past were blessings in disguise?

R: Rejoice, no matter what. Remember to laugh. Joy produces clarity. There will always be ups and downs, "good days" and "bad days." Decide to let nothing take away the joy at the center of your being. Practice advanced gratitude by giving heartfelt thanks in advance for the solution of your problem.

There you have it; a winning formula to turn all problems into opportunities.
I have one more idea to share with you about the power of wonder. Every morning start your day saying with enthusiasm the following. "I wonder what fantastic thing is going to happen to me today." You get what you expect!

-Dr. David Laughray

...excuse me if there are misspelled words. I thought this chapter was good enough to type out.

Love you guys <3

3/22/11 11:10PM

2011-03-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

Yay! Going to bed 3 hours earlier than I have been! lol Ninite you beautiful angels you! Love all of you sooooooo so much!!! Married or not. Take it up with God on your own terms.

...You created everything else. And it damaged, yours truly.

2011-03-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

I was reading on the top 5 most deadliest diseases. All of which I don't know much about due to the fact that I have not nor known anybody that has been infected. I am now aware because I have done my research. Those diseases are scary. Words and influences, wether positive or negative affect us the same way. We don't know about it until one brings it to our attention. We can get infected with what one speaks or unaware about what is being prayed over us. I myself have been a target. With more than one hand underneath the knocking point. Those infections are scary. And by all honesty,... I'd rather have a deadly disease.

There ain't no "VS"

2011-03-20T09:07:00.000-07:00

If a train were coming, and I were on the track... I'm the most likely to succeed it.

Do I enjoy the fact that I can overcome so much? Honestly? Absolutely not.

I'm don't why I have this magnet for people. I mean, it is great in some ways, but when people consciencely make the decision to become jealous... it ruins everything. About stupid stuff too. Painting nails, way I dress, me being happy. It was all so wrong.

And because people are so selfish in their own ways, and nothing... absolutely nothing is anyone elses fault... it ruins people. So the people God has want you to minister to... you allowed the devil to enjoy your company. That company was allowed into the hearts of those near the one who planted the seed.

Although the seed wasn't planted in or near me. I was effected by that tsunami.

Maybe I'm the only one that hurts from this. Maybe everyone is steel around me. Wish I weren't flesh.

Everyone has some sort of ministry. What is yours? And are you hurting people by your own actions in the process. Like, I'm not talking about, not recognizing when you do something. I'm talking about being completely aware of what decisions you're making.

If people's ministry is to push you away from God, it worked.

That now, it is always on my mind that I don't want to "compete" with any woman. And those who have chosen that there was a competition between us,... you're dead wrong.

I am me. I will always be great. I will always do my best. I will always strive for perfection. I am in competition with myself to be more like Jesus. No one else had the opportunity to fill my headspace. I'm sorry yours did. And I'm sorry you had to hurt to living creatures of God to feel like you had to be in control.

Just so you know... the above picture... ISN'T RIGHT.

My new tattoo

2011-03-19T13:14:00.000-07:00

It's on the edge of my left hand, reminding me of the strength I've carried for so many years. And to remind me to keep on being strong.

Recovering from Surgery

2010-12-18T09:52:00.000-08:00

Someone prayed this over me yesterday and it really hit hard...

People may say things about you but they are feeling in their own insecurities. God is going to remove the cancer out of your life. It is going to hurt. Especially if you didn't deserve it in the first place. Surgery may seem to drain the life out of you, but when God completely pulls the cancer out and closes the wound, you will be all the much better. May God lift your life so high that those who have hurt you will see the light of God from you, and they begin their treatments. Do not be afraid of their wrath, of their judgement, of their actions or words. Do not run away out of fear that they may destroy you. Because in the end. They shall not prosper. You are not to be in this situation because their cancer is getting bad! And you can't be around that if they are not willing in accepting to have surgery of their own. Their cancer is multiplying! That's why they are not surviving! It is then that God will take all blindfolds off. You will be left with a scar. It will represent a medal in which the battle you came through. The accuser of brethren will test you, through people and yourself may do harm. But you will carry this medal with honor! To glorify God Almighty! That even in the darkest time, you shine as bright as the sun!

Humpty Dumpty Sat on a Wall....

2010-12-07T08:14:00.000-08:00

No one can really say "I know what you've been through" or "I understand", because you don't. Not even I.

No one truly understands what another feels like. Even if we have gone through the same thing, ex:Divorce,Betrayal,Etc. Maybe there are somethings you can relate to, but you can never fully understand.

All of our experiences are different, even if they seem the same. Let's say,... 2 people have gone through a painful divorce. Well, those 2 individuals experienced something totally different. One may experience hate and agression from fears and feelings they've had from the past. The other might experience shock, abandonment, and total lack of trust.

Other experiences as 2 people who as well might have had to do it all on their own growing up. With both fighting to live. But total different circumstances doing their part to be as an acceptional adult as one could be.

No one can say "I had it harder than you". Because no one knows, but that one person what it feels like to go through every emotion known to man, every second of one's life.

One thing you can say that could be common is... My response. How was my response to the matter. Did I use it for good, or did I use it for bad?

I have not always responded positively. And I still get it wrong. But one thing I can be proud of my Creator for giving me, is that I have the response built deep within myself of "not to give up". And unfortunately, it is too common in todays society to do just the opposite. Faith. ie: 7th dip?

A preachers wife told me not too long ago (not going into details)... but something about "blood". Hmm. God revealed this message to me this morning;

--I sense I spirit of separation. That thou, nor blood, is family? What is unconditional? What is this they speak of, Church Family? Does the not exist?

I'm not even 100% sure what this means yet, but I was influenced from my Father to jot this down.

So one thing I can encourage you of. No matter the circumstance. Set self aside. Allow God to do works through you. Not with just your hands. Allow him to work through every wave inside your head, every nerve. Allow every word you speak, be a song. When good things are done (ex:helping a child) don't take it as someone wants to take over. Take it as someone really loves someone who is a part of you. And yes I do love ALL individuals. ALL mankind!!! Even those who have hurt me. But I am IN love with only One. One that has done no harm to me but Good. -o

Love. It is what counts.

One of those weeks...

2010-10-07T19:05:00.000-07:00

It sure has been a roller coaster in the pain department of my heart these past few weeks...

...but I remind myself, who am I to deserve mercy if I don't have any to give? So I've had to change my thinking a little. I am thankful for the Everlasting One who has given me the strength to come up with thoughts that I could not accept as originally my own. For putting me in situations to learn, wether painful, excruciating, or in the simplest of ways... by obeying His command and going to a class when I did NOT want to go to!

I've learned, you can't fix people. As bad as I've always been this way... it is one of my best qualities,.. but in times like these, can be my worst. Sometimes, it's just not my place to fix. In trying to do so, I became the problem. I've just got to learn what is okay to fix and what's not okay to fix, in this thing we call life.

Expect me to not get everything right. Expect me to not be perfect. Expect me to fail you on occasion. Expect me to cry on your shoulders when I feel pain. Expect me have your back when someone does you wrong. Expect me to listen carefully over the years, and get some valid information mixed up. Expect that when you make me laugh with a mouth full of lemon-aid, that you probably will be soaked. Expect me to be there in all ways I can, but as well expect me to fail at times when I didn't recognize I needed to pull away. Expect me to always love you.

He never committed a crime. The crime existed within their own heads.

2010-10-04T14:55:00.000-07:00

John 15 - 18"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. 19If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. 20Remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master.'[b] If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. 21They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me. 22If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin. Now, however, they have no excuse for their sin. 23He who hates me hates my Father as well. 24If I had not done among them what no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. But now they have seen these miracles, and yet they have hated both me and my Father. 25But this is to fulfill what is written in their Law: 'They hated me without reason.

Then they took everything from Him. But He ended up with so much more.

Believe

2010-09-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

When we believe, do we ever fully give our undivided attention to believe? Do we believe only during those times when we got our way and then we take advantage of that belief just to put it aside again?

Are we such people to give up in an instant?

Even if people give up on ME, does that make it right to give up on those around me...?

I have been let down time and time again... but I will not give up. And most importantly, I will love my enemies as God has asked of me. Those ones,... I adore the most. Because they make me stronger. And as I stay faithful even during times when stones are thrown,... I will still be there. Always.

Because that is what God wants of me.

Dear God. I prayed and prayed and prayed. But I WILL continue to "dip" till I hit the 7th. I will not give up. I have faith.

2010-08-30T21:44:00.000-07:00

You would think as the saying goes... "time heals all wounds", that this would be accurate.

But why does it seem that the wound would only be closed is if the knife was re-entered into the opening that never closed. And just.... left there, for the one particular stronghold to mend it slowly back together.

Maybe time does heal... maybe the deepest desires of my heart still exsist 3 years ago. Maybe there are unanswered questions as to why things happened the way they did. But conversations as to which they would be maturely resolved, rebuilt, and strengthened to strongest of structures. To the strongest of foundations. To where absolutely not even the faintest of fears or concerns could ever enter again.

Maybe it's just a girls dream. A girls fairy-tale. A girls fantasy.

This would be mine.

Maybe one day. He will come home.

conquered my biggest fear

2010-08-14T20:20:00.001-07:00

https://vr.shapeservices.com/play.php?hash=ce1dc46f786f38f9b25cb437817575a4f3037a3ead945ebe5

___
Sent via VR+

Breaking the Silence of my Life with the simple touch of a child's prayer

2010-08-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

What an incredible summer. Incredibly BUSY summer!

I am at this very moment in the hotel finishing up day 2 of our last kids camp. 2 more days left.

Today was a spectacular day. God really moved, Service tonight couldn't have honestly gone better. Everything from the first second, to the last. God really showed himself.

Our games were so much fun. They usually are, but we usually play them and go with the flow. It's just amazing how smoothly everything went.

Yesterday, I was in a lot of pain. But didn't complain about it. During alter time, I had to go behind stage and rest. Ruth prayed over me. After prayer was over, a group of young pure girls started praying over me. They didn't know about my accident, until after Ruth mentioned it to them, after they had already began praying,... she then helped them narrow the prayer down.

Today we preached about how strong our God is and can work through the smallest of people.

It's actually funny how our scheduled topic ended up being this. That since they prayed... I have felt so good within! Today was my first day back in the gym. I attempted running and got to 1/2 a mile, and walked 2.5 miles. I was so happy. And mainly because I was not in pain afterwards.

Today was as well my first time to sing on stage by myself. With a crowd of 700 people, as I walked up on stage, I was a little nervous... but God took ahold of me, my thoughts, my body and my voice... and I worshipped. The experiences are sure to get better and better I'm sure!

And I will save the best for last. Tonight things were switched up. We called the adults - pastors, counselors down to the alter. The faces from the stage. The grown men and women on their knees with tears rolling down their face. The children came to pray over them. How the little voices you could hear mumbling throughout the place, as their hands placed on ones shoulders or head. Amazing! .... AMAZING!

Tears could have covered the entire room floor.

I can't put it in any other words but... purely amazing. Today was a fantastic day. Better than so many. I'm ready to repeat this. But I'm not ready for this being our last camp of the summer... to end.

Sometimes we'll never understand...

2010-07-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

...but I pray that one day I find out why this had to happen to me.

I am a strong individual. I been through a lot. I've held strong. I've kept my head up through most challenges. I've stayed faithful through them and was fully committed to all that I was feeling within me.

11 weeks and 2 days have passed now. Feelings and emotions of things I thought were long gone have come back. I don't know if it is to haunt me, or if there are reasons. I don't know.

I don't have answers to anything right now. I have come to a state where I have never been. All my energy has gone to stress instead of healing. I feel like I have absolutely no control over my life. I feel like I cannot communicate. I feel like my current state of being is just a puppet.

So... maybe the answer would be that I just want to roll back time. Go back. For many reasons.

For love. For family. To make things right. Go back to running and swimming I so desperately miss with everything I have. To have those dreams, desires and goals I once had. To be so incredibly close to God I could almost touch Him!

There are some close people in my life that are tired of hearing about "since the accident". But what they don't know is that BECAUSE of the "accident", it has completely changed my life. Now, I wish with ALL of my heart, I could say it has changed my life for the better. I do wish so badly! ....And maybe, just MAYBE that time is coming. Maybe I'll find answers. But the accident is a part of my life. That part will never change. It has to be accepted. By people and most importantly,... by myself.

I could easily say to many, "quit talking about this 5 months ago stuff", but I don't,... because it is what led whoever to be wherever. It is what began the fantastic or miserable journey whoever's on. But it is not for me to say! It doesn't help the situation so why discourage instead of encourage when there is a possible choice. There's no "having to run after you". It's "be available because you're a friend".

I'm not saying amazing things haven't happened. Oh goodness, I couldn't count the blessings people have poured upon me. Wow! It is truly amazing what people are capable of, and have gone over and beyond just to see a smile on my face. My house was cleaned out completely. Every corner. My lawn was mowed almost weekly while I was on rest for 2 months. My laundry was done from loved ones. I threw up on loved ones (on accident of course) without one single complaint. A huge deal, my son has been more than taken care of. Spoiled even. My back yard is a party palace. There are lights strung from the house to the second level of the yard. A surprise gift of a swing was bought for my homecoming. I can't tell you enough (for the outdoorsey person I am), how much I have already put it to use. In the morning with my cup of Vanilla Biscotti Latte', and in the evening with water, lights/tiki torches and music playing. My "Celebrate Life" party was beyond complete. I didn't have to lift a finger, and I have never ever done that before at a party, I didn't even have to clean up afterwards! By the time everyone came in, it was already cleaned and put away! Everything! And extras were loaded for me and Chief in the fridge. I mean... really... what else??? I could write a short story just from the giving hearts in my life. Just the past 11 weeks alone!

But even through the things... words to me have a bigger impact in my life, and I think that is why my wall is built up so tall and so wide, that I haven't been able to see so many things that God possibly has been wanting me to see.

I have closed myself off to things just to keep from those words out there. It really is so crazy how much control words can have over your life. And how much hard work and effort it is just to "simply" go back! It's not so easy. Words are planted, and it is so hard to get rid of them! So so very hard! Especially when they're leaders.... of all kinds! I know people are people, and man WILL without question hurt and fail you. But I have been so used to and and expect it every time that now... it has effected me internally. And I know there is only one way to cleanse it. I just don't know why it has such a stronghold!!! I don't know why the devil is trying so hard to prevent me from the amazing things I know I can accomplish! I know I can change so many peoples lives! I know I can do sooooo much, because although God hasn't called me to be talented in one particular area, but SO MANY is why it is so hard to see which direction I am to go!

And because of ALL those so many things I am capable of, that is why this is so challenging.... because I have been prevented to do 90% of it since the accident.

I am just ready. So much more than ready... to be me.