Dillon had his very first ever nightmare tonight. He woke up bawling his eyes out. I can't even express the pain in my heart for him.

I told him to get in my bed. I held him for a while before he said he needed to go wash his face.

He walks into the bathroom, shuts the doors and then turns on the light. My little selfless respectful young man.

Then then opens one door and says...
"Mom?"
"Yes babe?"
"Do you ever still think about Jimmy?"
Being caught off guard because I never bring up anything about him (outside this blog), I answer.
"Yes. Every day."
"Do you think, when I get older, I could have his ring that is sitting in your bathroom?"
"Yes son"
"Whatever happened to your ring?"
"He wanted it back."
"So you wanted his ring back?"
"No son, he took my ring and then gave his ring to my attorney that gave it to me."
"Oh." "He didn't want it?"
"I guess not."

Poor baby boy. His heart has been so broken. He deserves happiness.

I sure hope I'm fulfilling that.

And I pray that a man of honor walks into our lives. He needs Godly guidance from a genuine male role model. He deserves at least that. Because I want him to be one that doesn't just give up. I want him to be what God calls us to be! A true leader!

Dear future husband Letter#632477

I must be honest and tell you I am afraid. I am afraid of relationships. I am scared to feel that kind of pain again.

I would by lying if I didn't tell you that the thought of being back with my ex husband didn't cross my mind. Maybe because since I was hurt, I would expect him to do the same. That makes things easier.

What makes things harder is trusting someone new. To give him a fresh heart and to take the chance of my heart being broken once again.

I'm afraid that I'd be controlled again. I'm a vet independent person and like getting the job done. I want you to appreciate that and not lack the confidence that I wouldn't consider you man enough because I didn't give you more "responsibilites". I've done this before... and he left. And I lost who I was because I gave him a part of me. MY strength of conquering everything in my path that he took away. It took my years to regain. I'm afraid of being judged by things I say. AND things I DONT say! I came across a journal entry the other day saying that he had gotten onto me about being on the computer (totally understandable and I take full responsibility for being on it too often) but then it follows up with how I got off the computer and there was nothing to do, so I was just sitting on the bed. He came to the bedroom (I assume to check to see if I was on the computer) and he asked me what I was doing, I said "Just sitting here" and he said "OK" turned and walked away. I drew an eye with a tear drop. I suppose him just wanting control and not simply caring truly hurt me. I'm afraid of this.

I want someone who sees who I am. Someone that sees how much I desire to love and change the world. Not just confine me to a single element but wants me to reach what I need to reach for the Kingdom. Someone who doesn't hide who they are from their parents. Who is not afraid to acknowledge that they are sinners just like we all are. I value someone admitting their failures. I want to take those and turn them around. And I want to love them. But most of all I want to trust.

I'm afraid I've had to learn that you must earn trust now days. You cannot just give it.

I know what it's like to love someone, with every thing I had. But I would like.. sometimes in my life,.. to know and feel what it's like,.. for someone to love me.

Not just steal my heart, soul, identity and my belongings.

I want him to believe in me.
Believe in us.
Believe in himself.
And most importantly, BELIEVE in God!