2 weeks from today...

... will be February 26th. The day he walked out on us.

February 2nd would have been our 2 year wedding anniversary and I thought it was going to be a hard day to handle. It wasn't, because that day doesn't bring back pain. And God distracted me a bit by finding his Baylor University ring. So I sold it, filled up my gas tank, got an oil change, got a bike speedometer, a wii plus fit board, a manicure and Dillon and I had a dinner date. It was a good day.

But on February 26, I encountered so much pain. Beyond what words can explain. That day, I know, it will bring back some painful memories and tears. It was the day hell was discovered and the devil was revealed. How could a man do that to someone? Oh it hurts because I didn't know I married that kind of man. I understand now that when the first words out of a mans mouth is "my dad is a pastor"... it is to gain trust. It did. I was in denial of that fact that he was "good" and "faithful" (to my heart). But a year later... today... I see just what Gods plan was.

I should have paid closer attention. I should not have accepted what I knew was wrong, and didn't "settle".

... Although 2009 was the worst year of my entire life, God rescued me from a bad situation and has given me 2010 to unwrap! It has been a special gift and I love doing everything on my own. I love that I feel GOOD about things, I don't feel degraded. I give 100% every single day because I'm not controlled, I'm not told to not do something! I'm not corrected every 10 minutes.

Because my life fully belongs to Jesus, this is the first year, that I know exactly where I am going. Exactly where I'm supposed to go. I know the things that come in my life, I know the things are go out of my life. I am fully aware of EVERY single thing my eyes, ears and heart come across!

I picture these double doors on my heart.


It's not to keep people out or close me in. I am completely opposite of this things. I love people. I love sharing my life with them, and theirs with me.

On a friendship level. I want nothing more, nothing less.

I don't have this desire to be with anyone commitingly. And it will be by the Grace of God that it changes. And honestly, I know in time... it will.

I don't want to be the one to open these doors, and run outside on the playground!

Nor do I want a guy to open these doors by sweeping me off my feet!

I don't want either. I'm not for a breathtaking beginning for things to change over time.

I'm standing behind these doors, and a guy may walk up every now and then and knock.
I'm not going to be blinded of something good, and I'm not going to be ignorant by something bad.
These doors are in Control by God alone and I want Him to be the One and Only to make that choice for me.

I am satisfied with exactly the way things are. And although I do not want them to change now... I know God has something pretty extraordinary planned.

Now that my friend... makes my heart very happy.