A letter from my inner conscience

Dear Julie,

I know you have been through so much. I know that there is still much pain that lingers within you. I also know why you hold onto the pain. You hold onto the pain so you wont forget. So it will feel fresh when someone else has a similar challenge and you are able to connect with them on a very deep level.

But I want you to know that you still can have the deep level of connection after you have moved on. It's like they say "I can forgive, but I will never forget",... you can move on and not carry pain any longer but at the same time you still have the memories of pain. Doesn't mean you still "FEEL" them. As time progresses, "time heals all wounds". It takes longer for some then others. Yours is longer. I know you have so many questions. I know you don't understand a lot of things that happened in the past. But it is not for you to understand. Maybe in God's timing, He will show you why. But now is not the time. Obviously.

You have been trying so hard to move on. And because I am your conscience, I know your thoughts. Though not exactly linked to your heart,.. I've heard you speak, I've heard you cry, I've heard you go on and on and on about the man of your dreams. About how beautiful your wedding was. About how his mom and dad were your own. About how incredibly close and safe you felt in his arms.

I know that even 2 1/2 years later, you still pray that he would pop up out of no where and end all the pain. But... you know...? It's not that easy.

Let's imagine he came back into your life tomorrow. Oh goodness, yes you would be in HEAVEN! Weeks pass. Months pass. Maybe re-new your vows. But what happens when things get comfortable?

Although you were comfortable before,... the thoughts start rolling in. ..."Okay, he's being a little quiet today, I wonder if I did something wrong?" "I'm at work and the same gut feeling that I had once at school, is he packin up?... all those emotions rise again." "He's not home, is he planning something?" or "Maybe I should double check dating websites to see if he is on there again?" You know that's not a very stress free way to live. So why want someone who left you and your son out of nowhere?

Would you feel safe? Would you feel... loved? You know you would have questions, and emotions that will rise like the moment he chose to leave. You know you would feel pain from the people you called family. "How could they choose what they HAD to know was wrong?" "Blood?" AHA!!! Blood. Somehow this always comes to you as a bit of a problem.

Julie, you need to continue thinking the way YOU do and no one else. You are very very VERY blessed to have these thoughts that you do. You are what it seems like... physically alone in life. But YOU Julie, do not see a division in people as you have seen in EVERY.SINGLE.SOUL. you have ever met. Blood does not divide family for you. That is what makes you different from ALL the rest. You see EVERYONE as blood. United by One. The believers and nonbelievers. You have very high expectations of people. Your expectations are for people to be more like Jesus (whether known or not know, you believe there is a connection between us all), but what is so amazing is that you allow room in your own head knowing that they are people, and will fail, but that still doesn't mean it will not hurt. And though you love sinners to an unbelievable extent, you allow your heart in common painful situations because your LOVE and JESUS are more important then an opinion of man. You get hurt time and time again. People get jealous of you. People get made at you. People hate you. But that is what people are going to do. People are not Jesus. lol. Thank God for that.

You have learned some very tricky ways, by some professional con artists that know how to work the system. But as God called to you saying to not conform to their ways. They will have their own trials. And the people who are called to be the "Leaders" will have to face one of their own. Just then you were thinking... leaders? "Of the leaders I know, they are more like followers. They are people pleasers. It's a show for money. Not much else." You know that if they had no more money, no one would be their friend. You know this. Because someone's word, is so much more valuable then $. What you seeeeeeee, is what you get! You hate to hear from SOMEONE that they are still offering people to come over to have a few drinks. I know this bothers you a lot. Because in YOUR mind, you feel like a LEADER should at least TRY to attempt to be a ROLE MODEL. Not a devils advocate.

You have gone on a date now, which was good. But you also are clear in understanding that you want to build the trust to meet your TRUE Prince. PEOPLE even! Though it may take some time, and a few dates/gatherings, which I know you do not like,.. you must. You must break down these walls yet AGAIN!

You will meet someone who makes you completely forget your pains and fears. It will happen when you least expect it.

You have learned about the good and the ugly. Now that you have that class down... you are aware of what to look for, but most importantly... that the only person you are in control of is yourself. You... are a very powerful girl. You can do many many things that many are incapable of. So go on... reach out for that crazy, fun, exciting girl that some tried to steal away. It belongs to you and ONLY you. Love it and RUN it.

It's coming sunshine... Just let us know, so we can all put on our shades.

Love,
Your Conscience