Repair Kit

I've just got to keep reminding myself of the things I've learned from this experience...

When a divorce occures from one side only, that side is blinded by their problems themselves. It's okay. Everyone is battling a process within their lives.
One thing I wish to stress for myself is that it's not a one way street. There are problems from both spouses. He is not to be ignored. She is not to be ignored. If one is, then there is selfishness desires for that one person. Both are found guilty in unpleasant beahaviors, but if one side demands control then it is unfair for the marriage period. And it fails.

One thing I have learned. I put my husband before God. Bad, bad choice. Over a years worth of time I let him have control. I let him control me. I let him control our marriage. Look where we are now.

If I just had a sincere apology from him saying, "I'm sorry, I had some things going on in my own personal spiritual life, and I made these decisions without God in mind, will you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

But lets face the fact. It's not going to happen. In life that is. But in my head it has, and I whole heartedly forgiven.

So as I gather myself together, and try to start off new, my bandages will slowely wear off.

Like I've told my friend... God is our healer. He is our bandages when we need healing, and He is our neosporin when we need to forgive. I know it sounds silly, but it's just one of those creative examples God gave me one day.

I'm trusting in the Lord more and more through this walk that I'm blessed to travel.

One day... just one day.

"All these thoughts came to me while listening to Lifehouse-Whatever it takes, in the car ride home from Barnes & Noble today"... plus I bought a book...

lb x lb

Pound by pound. Each and every morning before I shower I step on the scale.

Right before the divorce I was well into my 180's, and once hit 191. Ouch!

Today I weighed myself and I'm ONE WHOLE POUND away from being in the 150's!
Less then what I weighed when I had married!!!

So, yeah. I'm happy in so many different ways!

I hear from people everyday that I'm getting "too skinny". Ha! I still have another 10-15 more pounds to go and it will be gone by the end of April for sure! Yay!

Hurricane Harbor, here I come! Watch out!!! :)

On top of that, I have some of those beautiful marks you get from having a child, oh yeah they're called stretch marks. But worth every little beathe that amazing little blonde headed boy takes! The point of me bringing this up is that I've been doing microdermabrasion on them at work, and today was my 4th or 5th session and I've seen a HUGE difference! WOW! I totally recommend it to everyone! If you need proof, I've got it!

I need some pants that fit! lol

denial+divorce= normal emotions

(It's something not all will understand unless you've "BEEN THERE")

Ideally, the amount of energy you expend each day is equally balanced across the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of your life. But during and after a separation or divorce, your energy distribution is much different. As much as 85 percent of your energy can be diverted to dealing with the emotional upheaval, leaving only 15 percent to deal with all your physical, mental, and spiritual demands.

"Emotionally you're spinning," says Dr. Jim A. Talley. "You are going round and round. It's like you are running your engine wide open, but you're in neutral and not going anywhere, yet you can't shut the motor off. Eighty-five percent of your energy is being consumed in the whole emotional area. That leaves you 5 percent mental, 5 percent spiritual, and 5 percent physical. Mental difficulties include the inability to make decisions. Physically, you are totally exhausted. Spiritually, you have a loss of faith; you are not sure God exists, and you're not sure if you even care if He exists."

The emotional turmoil, the mental fog, the total loss of energy, and the questioning of God are to be expected. You don't desire any of it, but you have it, and your feelings and thoughts are natural.

"I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer" (Psalm 6:6-9).

God, I'm wiped out. Help me to acknowledge that my feelings are completely normal, and give me the energy to turn to You for help. Amen.

A poem I wrote in 2006 called "Heaven"

Dear most precious and Heavenly Father,
Sometimes I ask why you bother?
To put so much time in this life of mine,
I'm not worthy of your design.

I could never imagine my life without you,
Just show me the path, I'll do what you ask me to do.
I'll swim through rivers, climb mountains and more,
This is what I want, it's you I adore.

You've spoken through this body, that I know,
You shine so bright, they see me glow.
Give it to me Lord, take all their pain away,
Because with you, I'll forever stay.

Stay in your presence, forever so true,
With you there beside me, you've allowed me to get through.
They can feel the Holy Spirit is strongly there,
This is the end, to my answered prayer.

(God Bless all my family and friends)
(He's got the whole world in his hands)

Sunday Journal

Other then the disturbing e-mail I just got today, I had a pretty magnificant day!

The nightmares will soon be over! And my dreams will finally come true.

Although things are still not the "easiest" in the world, and it was intentional to make things as hard as can be on me, I still have faith.

God has really gotten me through this! He has even brought people in my life that have been so encouraging! People who have and are going through the same or close to the same things that I'm going through.

It is an odd mixture between the sorrow of the actions that took place against me, and the incredible happiness that's here. Now.

I pray for both sides. I pray for those who have hurt me. I hope we can just get passed this very soon and go our seperate ways. I'm not willing to be miserable. I have been for too long.
And I pray for those who are just angels in my life. You know who you are.

My love is especially for those who desire to have it in their life.

I'm excited about what the future holds!

I wish I could just put a smiley face here

I had such a great day! Jesus is the reason for the season!
Why does it sounds awkward hearing that during summer?
Maybe we should make it a habit of saying it more frequently,
because He IS the reason for EVERY season!

We have seasons within our lives.
Some are sunny.
Some are rainy.
Some the leaves break off and fall.
Some have hail storms.
Some have tornado's.
Some have hurricanes.

No matter the season, it is blessed by God.

I'm blessed with this season. Even if hail is coming down from every which direction, we're covered by the grace of God. He is my shield. You gotta go through my Father before you get to me.

Oh... did I say I had such an amazing day today?!?!?!?!

The garbage was picked up today, A relief.

I couldn't do this alone! That's for sure!
God is my stregth, He helped me up when I was down! Wow!

It's normal human emotions to feel like you've gone crazy after you were left out of the blue, with nothing to come home to. When things are said, and makes it even worse. And your financial status is depleted. The "crazy" inside is a normal reaction.
But now, as I lift my hands up high!!!... I'm thankful for the... well, trashman.
I was living a life of sin when I was married. I was in denial. Denial about not saying no about certain things because I was blinded by love. I would have done ANYTHING for that man. Anything! I should have put you first! I didn't. I let physical love take control of my life. When all I needed was spiritual love.

Today has been a WONDERFUL day!

Some thoughts had hit me hard while at church tonight. How in the world could it have linked to my situation!!!

***Feelings aren't true. Feelings aren't facts.

Good Advice: We could look at "trouble" as evil stuff OR we could look at "trouble" as a learning experience!

And passing over this Scripture today gave me chills down my spine!...

Don't be afraid, because you will not be ashamed.
Don't be embarassed, because you will not be disgraced.
You will forget the shame you felt earlier;
you will not remember the shame you felt when you lost your husband.

The God who made you is like your husband.
His name is the Lord All Powerful.
The Holy One of Isreal is the one who saves you.
He is called the God of all the earth.

You were like a woman whose husband left her,
and you were very sad.
You were like a wife who married young
and then her husband left her.
But the Lord called you to be his, says your God

God says I left you for a short time,
but with great kindness I will being you back again.

I became very angry and hid from you for a time,
but I will show you mercy with kindness forever,
says the Lord who saves you.

Isaiah 54:4-8