identification please

So today, I got a phone call from my caseworker during my counseling session. So, yes it cut into my time with her, but I had to answer it because every 10 times I call my worker, I get one call back.

Things are looking up tremendously! They're starting to see the truth behind what all happened. Dillon is moving closer, specifically so we can take classes together, which will be 6 weeks long, then he should be coming home soon after. But before that, they plan on having him start staying the weekend! I am so excited!

This has been an incredibly hard process, especially when not only everything happens at one time, but the effect of me having to deal with all of this that was brought about by someone else.

One thing I told my counselor today is how disgusted I am with that situation. How if I could go back in time, I would have stopped it! How standing outside of his door listening to the paddle hit him and his scream and cries were so horrifying, it hurt me just as bad! How the excessive discipline of push-ups, jumping jacks, wall-sits just killed me that I couldn't be in the room with them! But I realized just why I didn't do anything about it.

First, my husband was the head of the household. Secondly, most important... I grew up in a broken family. My parents weren't there. I had to be an adult at an elementary school age. And he grew up in the perfect christian family. His dad being a pastor, and a president of this world wide ministry. Just listening to stories of how he was raised, gave me the impression that he knew what he was doing.

After the divorce was issued, a different side came from his entire family. Come to find later, the intelligent minded man behind all the drama was the man I previously trusted with my life. I found that there were text messages that were forwarded to his family, that bad words had been added to them to make me look bad. It doesn't surprise me, now that everything is final, I see completely. I found out later that my e-mails/facebook & myspace had been hacked and messages were written from my accounts. If it wasn't for a specific person at church to bring it to my attention, I would have never known about it.

Back to the counseling thing. First off, I love that it's over, and I can focus 100% on more important things in my life. But as for how I feel now... I am so content with being single. Maybe it's because of how wrong I was done. Or how I never thought it was possible for someone to go so far to hurt someone that they could make themselves look like the victim. My counselor told me today that it's obvious that he is his own victim. So the recovery process is going quite well, and although I have no intentions on settling down any time in the near future, all I want it to spend several straight years with just Dillon alone.

It's like when you go to your favorite restaurant, you order your favorite dish... and one day unexpectedly, once in a lifetime, out of no where, you get food poisoning. And when you do, you never ever crave that dish again, or even want to go back to the same restaurant. That's how I feel about men right now. The food may look, and taste great,... but you don't realize how bad it is until the damage is already done.

You can only suffer so much before you get deathly sick, and you can only get burnt so bad before you're unrecognizable.

I'm a very strong girl. I'm happy that I'm the kind of girl, that doesn't have to have a man to identify me. I identify myself.