If you're happy and you know it... clap your hands!

*CLAP*CLAP*

Everyday I wake up and think... how could today possibly be better then yesterday? God seems to prove me wrong each and every day! lol. I hear you God.

I can't recall a time I've been any happier!

Things were tough growing up.... How Dillon was concieved. It took some time to build that relationship. It honestly took too long, but I can't be any more grateful than I am now for him. How I always had put the "man in my life" before him and even God. We all make poor choices. I sure have made them! Too many to count! lol.

Things are a bit different in my life now. Things have never been better, and honesty... I don't ever want them to change. I make my own decisions, and I do them quite well. As for before, I was never in control of any decision making. From, planning daily activities to even things that I feel so ashamed about that I was forced to do! On the flip side... I don't live 2 seperate lives... I'm real... I'm me... I love God... I love life... I love being a mom to the most amazing boy... and I love being single!

By all honesty... I previously wanted to have another child. But by having gone through what I went through... not only do I not trust men, but most importantly... I couldn't imagine taking any time away from Dillon. He is at the age where he can do just about anything. He's pretty much old enough, he's tall enough, he's everything really. I want him to expand his creativeness, and find who he is. Of course guidelines, boundries, rules, regulations and consistency will never part from my daily routine of motherhood... ...I don't have the desire, or even could imagine myself "getting involved" once again and starting a family after everything I went through.
It honestly kind of makes me feel nausiated.

In time, the trust will strengthen... but it still probably won't change my view. I don't know. Only God does.

Monday, Dillon and I hung out for a few hours at the park. Playing with nerf guns, and skate boarding on his RipStick. I asked him a few questions...

1) Would you like to go deep sea fishing and catch a shark?
Of course his response was "yes, but I don't want to catch a shark, I want to watch the fish with the pointy thing on his nose." Swordfish.
Honestly, I don't see how that's not anymore scary then a shark. haha.

2) On our next plane ride out, where would you want to go?
I was thinking he would say Snow Boarding, but he didn't.
Instead he said he wanted to go to California.
I assumed/thought he would want to go surfing.
He said "I want to go visit Grandma and Grandpa".
So what do I say?
Nothing... I don't know how to respond to it!
So I quickly get off the subject.

Instead of dodging the subject... how do you respond to this incredibly loving little boy with an explanation, or do you not at all? I don't like to hide things, yet I don't want to dissapoint him anymore then he already has been.

People can tell you they love you... but by their reactions and bitter words like "I wash my hands of you"... it doesn't really show love honestly.

So as I sit back in my chair now, with a smile on my face, and goosebumps on my arms... from the beginning of time I picture God creating this world... with love, because He is love, and He sent His own son to prove of that love.
It doesn't matter if peoples love fails.

God identifies love. Love identifies God. It's so amazing how one can be so perfect.

It's a perect love. And I believe that's why I am so happy being alone. Because I have perfect company. A friend that would never fail me. True love. Everlasting love. Pure love. It's more then I could ever ask for.

People are people. They're liable to let you down. But there's One I can say would never let you down. It's not at all possible. His love for you is bigger then you could ever imagine. It's indescribable.

So there are many things in my life that were definately unexpected. lol. But I am so thankful it has brought me here. For the first time in my entire life... I completely control me. I know I've said that time and time again... but I can't even put into words how FREE I feel!

I want to clap my hands a million more times!!!