Promises are made to keep...

...sometimes they're broken. Sometimes their kept to the grave. This one promise I made to someone I feel guilty that I am going to have to break.

So to you this may seem silly, but it always has been a big deal to me. I made a promise to someone that I wouldn't eat bottom feeders for the rest of my life.

Although I am not going to be literally eating them, I am going to be taking a supplement beginning tomorrow that contains crab and shrimp.

I am desperate for the bones to heal in my neck. As some of you know... the Dr requested for me to go back in my collar. I broke down in tears. I hate it and I never want to leave my home. I am so miserable... so tomorrow... I am going to start slamming Glucosamine Chondroitin capsules. I cannot express enough how desperate I am. How I have become depressed over all of this.

How all of the pain from my divorce has resurfaced. And how all the pain I have gone through in my entire life, I have just recently become lost. With the collar, I can't sing. Most importantly, I cannot workout like before. I am so proud of myself for doing the Cowtown Marathon this year, and my first Triathlon, but I don't want it to be the last. I want it to change soon, but I know it can't. I have so many plans! I have planned a sky-diving trip for a team of my friends to jump in Keller/Southlake are on 10-10-10. Although it is still going, I am so so so upset that there is a very large possibility that I will not be able to do it.

And although you're thinking... there is so much for you to be thankful for. I do know this. I know I have an amazing son that makes me feel like the best mom in the world! I have great friends that would be there in a second for me, as I would them. I have an awesome huge dog, might I add she likes to tear everything up right now, but she is still wonderful. She has become very protective and almost attacked the Charter Cable guy 2 days ago. lol

I have felt so alone these past few days. So terribly alone. I am angry in a sense cause I feel like I wouldn't be here right now in this situation if my ex husband hadn't of left. Things were great. Had some things to work on... like everyone, but there is no one that could give him what I could give. I firmly stand strong on that fact. There is just so much more to it.

I'm scared to date. I don't want to start all over. I tried it once. About a year ago, and I felt like I was forcing myself to like someone. Like, I was the teacher. I was the leader. And I didn't quite like that. I've read many books about dating, codependance, how to find yourself, when a marriage fails, encouraging books, self help books, and books of bible charts n stuff, but I don't know why.... that ever since the accident.... Everything has come crashing down. I'm being tested every day. Every single day! Like... you have absolutely no clue.

From the smallest things of organizing messed up files that didn't have to messed up from the beginning, to today my car breaks are starting to rub, I merge onto the highway, tire pops, no one stops, I have the "donut" on as someone does pull over, lower the car, and the donut is flat. I mean... geez! I was looking for a new car before the accident, but that got put on hold. So I'm determined to have one before school starts back up for Chief. But on the flip side, I am so very thankful for incredible friends who are more than amazing, and took on the tire bill when they didn't have to. I love them so much, and to me they're honestly not just "friends", they truly are family. Blood family it feels. Not the fake stuff like I've once witnessed (...but do pray it changes in whoever I am talking about, lives) The real Godly, amazing, fully, completely, 100% family like love.

I know I haven't been writing much lately. There are reasons.

So, please pray hard for my recovery. I have to get another cat scan in 3 weeks. According to my Dr, I should have my collar off permanently, and therapy will FINALLY begin!

Another for my sanity. I am nearly 4 months shy away from turning 30 in 2 years, and I feel like I was on a roll... like, hard core roll in my life. Involved in EVERYTHING you could possibly imagine that helps with the community, but as well with myself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I want that back. I so badly desperately want that back.