Sometimes we'll never understand...

...but I pray that one day I find out why this had to happen to me.

I am a strong individual. I been through a lot. I've held strong. I've kept my head up through most challenges. I've stayed faithful through them and was fully committed to all that I was feeling within me.

11 weeks and 2 days have passed now. Feelings and emotions of things I thought were long gone have come back. I don't know if it is to haunt me, or if there are reasons. I don't know.

I don't have answers to anything right now. I have come to a state where I have never been. All my energy has gone to stress instead of healing. I feel like I have absolutely no control over my life. I feel like I cannot communicate. I feel like my current state of being is just a puppet.

So... maybe the answer would be that I just want to roll back time. Go back. For many reasons.

For love. For family. To make things right. Go back to running and swimming I so desperately miss with everything I have. To have those dreams, desires and goals I once had. To be so incredibly close to God I could almost touch Him!

There are some close people in my life that are tired of hearing about "since the accident". But what they don't know is that BECAUSE of the "accident", it has completely changed my life. Now, I wish with ALL of my heart, I could say it has changed my life for the better. I do wish so badly! ....And maybe, just MAYBE that time is coming. Maybe I'll find answers. But the accident is a part of my life. That part will never change. It has to be accepted. By people and most importantly,... by myself.

I could easily say to many, "quit talking about this 5 months ago stuff", but I don't,... because it is what led whoever to be wherever. It is what began the fantastic or miserable journey whoever's on. But it is not for me to say! It doesn't help the situation so why discourage instead of encourage when there is a possible choice. There's no "having to run after you". It's "be available because you're a friend".

I'm not saying amazing things haven't happened. Oh goodness, I couldn't count the blessings people have poured upon me. Wow! It is truly amazing what people are capable of, and have gone over and beyond just to see a smile on my face. My house was cleaned out completely. Every corner. My lawn was mowed almost weekly while I was on rest for 2 months. My laundry was done from loved ones. I threw up on loved ones (on accident of course) without one single complaint. A huge deal, my son has been more than taken care of. Spoiled even. My back yard is a party palace. There are lights strung from the house to the second level of the yard. A surprise gift of a swing was bought for my homecoming. I can't tell you enough (for the outdoorsey person I am), how much I have already put it to use. In the morning with my cup of Vanilla Biscotti Latte', and in the evening with water, lights/tiki torches and music playing. My "Celebrate Life" party was beyond complete. I didn't have to lift a finger, and I have never ever done that before at a party, I didn't even have to clean up afterwards! By the time everyone came in, it was already cleaned and put away! Everything! And extras were loaded for me and Chief in the fridge. I mean... really... what else??? I could write a short story just from the giving hearts in my life. Just the past 11 weeks alone!

But even through the things... words to me have a bigger impact in my life, and I think that is why my wall is built up so tall and so wide, that I haven't been able to see so many things that God possibly has been wanting me to see.

I have closed myself off to things just to keep from those words out there. It really is so crazy how much control words can have over your life. And how much hard work and effort it is just to "simply" go back! It's not so easy. Words are planted, and it is so hard to get rid of them! So so very hard! Especially when they're leaders.... of all kinds! I know people are people, and man WILL without question hurt and fail you. But I have been so used to and and expect it every time that now... it has effected me internally. And I know there is only one way to cleanse it. I just don't know why it has such a stronghold!!! I don't know why the devil is trying so hard to prevent me from the amazing things I know I can accomplish! I know I can change so many peoples lives! I know I can do sooooo much, because although God hasn't called me to be talented in one particular area, but SO MANY is why it is so hard to see which direction I am to go!

And because of ALL those so many things I am capable of, that is why this is so challenging.... because I have been prevented to do 90% of it since the accident.

I am just ready. So much more than ready... to be me.