Sports from age 3 to 10

Sometimes I am thankful for being a little OCD. Dillon loved putting away his baseball jersey in our special "Chief Sports Memorabilia" this season. Here is some of this things I can think of off the top of my head of what he's done...

7 years in baseball.
2 years in soccer.
3 years in Triathlons.
7 5ks.
1 10k.
1 Half Marathon.
2 MudRuns.
10 Years old.

Pirates!!!

This was Dillon's 7th year in baseball, and his first year of pitching. This season he has really shown that baseball is deeply embedded in his heart. He wasn't happy until he heard the umpire yell "Strike", and from that moment on, he threw straight Strikes. Plus, his home run during the game before this one.. GEEZ!... and all bases were loaded. If it weren't for that homer, we wouldn't have won. Then a pop fly he caught at the end of the last game made our team win that one too!

He really had a blast playing at The Texas Rangers Youth Field. What a great experience. He truly is gifted.

So,.. I feel like my heart has been wanting to open up to try, like for real, try and... date. Ayyy. Okay, so here is my problem. I know what marriage is like. And I know how great it can be. I was in one. And that's not the part that really scares me honestly. It is a past situation I was in. When I was on bed rest, I had never seen such a broken family. I have never seen such hatred towards one another. And my view of people I don't think will ever be the same.

It's like... you look up to these people and though you didn't at first know them on a personal level, you think... "Man, THAT'S what kind of marriage I want!"... until, you get to know them on the personal level. That is what scares me. I don't want to be fake with the public. I don't want to pretend like everything is perfect on the outside, I don't want to be one person at church and then someone TOTALLY different outside of church, but within the household, there is anger, bitterness, hatred, fights, drama... it just didn't stop. And I would never want that to seep into anyone elses life. Because one thing I do know, they they're "ministry" or investing in a life didn't help, not a bit... it actually hindered me from being a better person. And everything that I ever wanted out of anyone is not to turns someones life upside down, but to make it better. To make it more beautiful. So I am hoping that everything I have seen and heard, I will be nothing like them.

Kind of like when I was growing up. My dad made some huge mistakes and really wasn't there for me. My mom, well.. she just just wasn't "there". So you can either grow up to become like your parents, or become exactly the opposite.
We all have choices. And the thing that I am most blessed about being in such harmful and the most evil of situations is that you have now seen things that you have never seen before. So this "strength" thing... how does it come into play? Strength is my definition of a Choice. You choose what path to go. You either become, or flee. So when words have been initiated, though never forgotten... if I get hurt, now that I am aware of such hateful things like "youre cancer to our family", I am proned to use those words again because someone used them on me, out of hurt... even if they were the cancer themselves.

When people's minds go crazy, and make up all sorts of things in the world, and they try in all efforts to PUSH someone to doing what exists in their mind, that makes a person SICK! Like, mentally sick. Then it spreads and infects those around the one who developed the disease. and not caring whatsoever about the person they are TRYING to effect... it is very selfish and self centered task.. The things people will do to have "power", "the upper hand", "pity parties", and "Company of Misery".

So out of months and months and months of being beaten', slapped around, scorned and criticized, I kept my eyes on Jesus and tried not to get thrown off each and every time. I was an honest friend even with being battered and bruised and tried.

And though, I have no clue what goes on behind closed doors, and really didn't care enough after that point, it goes to show that there were still threats or whatever mess goes on between the two. Mess being an understatement.

I'll never be the same being that I cannot sleep comfortably in my house anymore. Even with locks changed, sleep has not been the same. Her ultimate wish became existent about a month ago. When I fought for my sacred possessions. And though I won the battle,... doesn't mean I am not scared out of my mind.

Returning to the original subject,.. I need protection. I need appreciation. I need love. But most of all, I need a true family.

Even through pain, emotional and physical, my life needs that provider and protecter. Or DESIRES. And, whatever that takes. The work in me will be done to make those doors open, and for someone to walk through. Whoever the lucky guy is.

It hurts so bad to have innocence stollen. You can never go back. You can never rewind. You can never erase. Having innocence ripped away is like having parts of your body tore off. Imagine abortion. Imagine what the suction does to the baby being aborted. But having something beyond your control really screws with your head!
It's hard to talk to anyone. I make sure that if I am talking to a married woman, I keep my conversations short, involve absolutely no investment of affection and emotion again. If a married man talks to me, I cannot even concentrate on what he may be saying without thinking "When is he gonna stop talking and how fast can I run when he's done."

Man, this is the most difficult thing I could ever have gone through! When people push other people to the edge and it effects me, gosh.. I'm angry, scared, frustrated, depressed and way too much aware of my surroundings to the point where I feel like I am paranoid.

I have been through SO MUCH in my life, and I have such an incredible testimony. But what worth is the testimony when there hasn't been any recovery? At least to some of those areas.

I beg, plead, and pray for healing, and as soon as I feel like I am recovering, something bites me, and the pain resurfaces. And no matter what I do, I cannot do anything about it.

I had a meeting with a wonderful friend whom I didn't even know left the same church as I did, for somewhat similar reasons actually, said that she see's my constant cry-out on fb. I broke down in tears,.. because it is the truth. And no one has been listening. But one day soon... people will realize their denial. People will take responsibility of their actions in their own hearts, although they may be too prideful to express it to others,... it will be revealed in their hearts.

Now I have never had a problem with accepting my failures. I have always been overly open, which is why I think I get hurt more than others. People know how to use that against me. I'm just too predictable. Now the problem I do have, is taking responsibility for other peoples problems. But, I recognize that now, which will help me recovery in this particular area. But it still hurts when I am effected by their choices.

My ex father in law said something about me that I will never forget... hurts but made me realize that the WORLD.. IS.. THE.. "Brainwashed Concentration Camp". The WORLD!

How can someone who preaches about words say such a thing as this? I would have to say that each event that they do must be a brainwashed concentration camp. Or this other pastor and his wifes ministry for kids, how could these people talk down about so many other people in which are supposedly FRIENDS, from her sister in laws house being the most disgusting thing on the planet, warning me to never go next door, and that being the reason why the grandmother from out of town does not want to stay over there cause she feels like a maid. Or to their talks about a church friends husband having an affair, for her best friends husband having an affair, to another church friend how often she and her husband sleep together in a week, and how much better their kids are then any other kid, and so much more. Using tithes to pay for nightly alcohol is not a ministry. And for a pastor of their home church they attend to approve their behavior. For my ex father in law to approve my ex husbands behavior. To my ex church who also approves my ex husbands behavior and allows this man to lead people of the church who had committed adultery. You know... after the pastors wife went off on me about a subject pertaining to this... I am slowly getting the impression that the lead pastor may have had some sort of fall in this area. Or at least something closely related.

I don't want to say I am lost, cause I know my Savior. I know where I originally came from, and I know where I am going, but I do admit that I am confused. I just don't understand. Maybe one day I will understand, and maybe I wont. Maybe I will stop caring, maybe I will go in the opposite direction and care even more. Maybe God will reveal my calling o behalf of all the trials. Maybe God is preparing me for something bigger than my imagination can possibly apprehend! But if there is anything that I am certain of... there is a LOT of work ahead.

JRH

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark.
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare.

See how I'll leave, with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do.

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark.

The scars of your love, remind me of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it
To the beat

Baby I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you and I'm gonna make your head burn,
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there as mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love, remind you of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could of had it all

Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it
To the beat

We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
But you played it
With a beating

Throw your soul threw every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

We could of had it all
We could of had it all
We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it to the beat

We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand

But you played it,
You played it,
You played it
You played it to the beat