So,.. I feel like my heart has been wanting to open up to try, like for real, try and... date. Ayyy. Okay, so here is my problem. I know what marriage is like. And I know how great it can be. I was in one. And that's not the part that really scares me honestly. It is a past situation I was in. When I was on bed rest, I had never seen such a broken family. I have never seen such hatred towards one another. And my view of people I don't think will ever be the same.

It's like... you look up to these people and though you didn't at first know them on a personal level, you think... "Man, THAT'S what kind of marriage I want!"... until, you get to know them on the personal level. That is what scares me. I don't want to be fake with the public. I don't want to pretend like everything is perfect on the outside, I don't want to be one person at church and then someone TOTALLY different outside of church, but within the household, there is anger, bitterness, hatred, fights, drama... it just didn't stop. And I would never want that to seep into anyone elses life. Because one thing I do know, they they're "ministry" or investing in a life didn't help, not a bit... it actually hindered me from being a better person. And everything that I ever wanted out of anyone is not to turns someones life upside down, but to make it better. To make it more beautiful. So I am hoping that everything I have seen and heard, I will be nothing like them.

Kind of like when I was growing up. My dad made some huge mistakes and really wasn't there for me. My mom, well.. she just just wasn't "there". So you can either grow up to become like your parents, or become exactly the opposite.
We all have choices. And the thing that I am most blessed about being in such harmful and the most evil of situations is that you have now seen things that you have never seen before. So this "strength" thing... how does it come into play? Strength is my definition of a Choice. You choose what path to go. You either become, or flee. So when words have been initiated, though never forgotten... if I get hurt, now that I am aware of such hateful things like "youre cancer to our family", I am proned to use those words again because someone used them on me, out of hurt... even if they were the cancer themselves.

When people's minds go crazy, and make up all sorts of things in the world, and they try in all efforts to PUSH someone to doing what exists in their mind, that makes a person SICK! Like, mentally sick. Then it spreads and infects those around the one who developed the disease. and not caring whatsoever about the person they are TRYING to effect... it is very selfish and self centered task.. The things people will do to have "power", "the upper hand", "pity parties", and "Company of Misery".

So out of months and months and months of being beaten', slapped around, scorned and criticized, I kept my eyes on Jesus and tried not to get thrown off each and every time. I was an honest friend even with being battered and bruised and tried.

And though, I have no clue what goes on behind closed doors, and really didn't care enough after that point, it goes to show that there were still threats or whatever mess goes on between the two. Mess being an understatement.

I'll never be the same being that I cannot sleep comfortably in my house anymore. Even with locks changed, sleep has not been the same. Her ultimate wish became existent about a month ago. When I fought for my sacred possessions. And though I won the battle,... doesn't mean I am not scared out of my mind.

Returning to the original subject,.. I need protection. I need appreciation. I need love. But most of all, I need a true family.

Even through pain, emotional and physical, my life needs that provider and protecter. Or DESIRES. And, whatever that takes. The work in me will be done to make those doors open, and for someone to walk through. Whoever the lucky guy is.