It hurts so bad to have innocence stollen. You can never go back. You can never rewind. You can never erase. Having innocence ripped away is like having parts of your body tore off. Imagine abortion. Imagine what the suction does to the baby being aborted. But having something beyond your control really screws with your head!
It's hard to talk to anyone. I make sure that if I am talking to a married woman, I keep my conversations short, involve absolutely no investment of affection and emotion again. If a married man talks to me, I cannot even concentrate on what he may be saying without thinking "When is he gonna stop talking and how fast can I run when he's done."

Man, this is the most difficult thing I could ever have gone through! When people push other people to the edge and it effects me, gosh.. I'm angry, scared, frustrated, depressed and way too much aware of my surroundings to the point where I feel like I am paranoid.

I have been through SO MUCH in my life, and I have such an incredible testimony. But what worth is the testimony when there hasn't been any recovery? At least to some of those areas.

I beg, plead, and pray for healing, and as soon as I feel like I am recovering, something bites me, and the pain resurfaces. And no matter what I do, I cannot do anything about it.

I had a meeting with a wonderful friend whom I didn't even know left the same church as I did, for somewhat similar reasons actually, said that she see's my constant cry-out on fb. I broke down in tears,.. because it is the truth. And no one has been listening. But one day soon... people will realize their denial. People will take responsibility of their actions in their own hearts, although they may be too prideful to express it to others,... it will be revealed in their hearts.

Now I have never had a problem with accepting my failures. I have always been overly open, which is why I think I get hurt more than others. People know how to use that against me. I'm just too predictable. Now the problem I do have, is taking responsibility for other peoples problems. But, I recognize that now, which will help me recovery in this particular area. But it still hurts when I am effected by their choices.

My ex father in law said something about me that I will never forget... hurts but made me realize that the WORLD.. IS.. THE.. "Brainwashed Concentration Camp". The WORLD!

How can someone who preaches about words say such a thing as this? I would have to say that each event that they do must be a brainwashed concentration camp. Or this other pastor and his wifes ministry for kids, how could these people talk down about so many other people in which are supposedly FRIENDS, from her sister in laws house being the most disgusting thing on the planet, warning me to never go next door, and that being the reason why the grandmother from out of town does not want to stay over there cause she feels like a maid. Or to their talks about a church friends husband having an affair, for her best friends husband having an affair, to another church friend how often she and her husband sleep together in a week, and how much better their kids are then any other kid, and so much more. Using tithes to pay for nightly alcohol is not a ministry. And for a pastor of their home church they attend to approve their behavior. For my ex father in law to approve my ex husbands behavior. To my ex church who also approves my ex husbands behavior and allows this man to lead people of the church who had committed adultery. You know... after the pastors wife went off on me about a subject pertaining to this... I am slowly getting the impression that the lead pastor may have had some sort of fall in this area. Or at least something closely related.

I don't want to say I am lost, cause I know my Savior. I know where I originally came from, and I know where I am going, but I do admit that I am confused. I just don't understand. Maybe one day I will understand, and maybe I wont. Maybe I will stop caring, maybe I will go in the opposite direction and care even more. Maybe God will reveal my calling o behalf of all the trials. Maybe God is preparing me for something bigger than my imagination can possibly apprehend! But if there is anything that I am certain of... there is a LOT of work ahead.