You want it but you're scared.

You try, but then the smallest thing tenses every muscle within you wondering if he is going to be the same as everyone else.

I run turn away when I see the slightest thing that scares me, when all I want is for someone to grab me and say "You're afraid, I am too, but I promise as God has promised me that I will not leave!"

And you know, then kiss passionately and "the end" like a fairy tale.

Things are much more complicated then I ever remember them being.

I have taken things from different individuals of what I love and have invisioned my perfect other whole. Not half, because I no longer see him as half. I see him as complete the way he is. Beyond joyful, satisfied as to where God has his position in the world.

I rarely EVER go on dates. But I did meet up with someone last weekend. Oh my gosh, like everything was like wayyyyyyyy too in common. Which was absolutely cool! Amazing individual, and is seriously going to be like the most amazing husband ever. I think maybe it was the nerves, maybe not,. but I was too scared to take the chance. I noticed I asked him a lot more questions than he'd ask me. Same with face to face. It kinda bothered me that he didn't put his computer away our first meet.

That made me remember a moment when I was married. My ex asked me to put electronics away often. I guess I needed to get a taste of it to see how it really felt. It didn't feel so good to not feel important enough. So it was a great thing for me to experience it. To simply understand.

I didn't feel like I was "enough" so I immediately turned away.

It's so difficult in this world, and actually, I am quite pleased just how I am now. That doesn't mean that I don't think about being madly deeply incredibly branded with passionate love! I think about it often. Perhaps too often, but as well have a good balance for loving myself, my son, our future and don't want anything to set us back.

Maybe it's also a trust factor that still resides within myself.

But wouldn't it sure be nice to have the person who without a doubt that is truly a man of God holding your face in his hands saying, "Let's do this! Forever".

Haha. Well, I will get out of my fantasy world now. Going to go spend my birthday money that I still haven't used yet. I promised everyone that this yer I would use it on me and not everyone else. So, here goes!

Ciao and much XOXO's