Press on

The words of the wise... "Press on"

During this journey, the construction on this gravel road, there will eventually be pavement. I can't quite see where the road gets smoother, but I know it's near. It may take me 1000 miles to get there, but it may also only take 10. But either way, the road I'm on right now should be a blessing. Who else gets to see all these thousands of stones? Who else gets to feel all these thousands of bumbs? Nevertheless, I've come to accept what is laid in front of me. Wether I like it or not. ~Julie


No one can determine who I can be.
My past can't determine who I want to be, who I desire to be.

I've got to be strong for myself, before I'm strong for anyone else.

Focus on becoming whole.
Because now, I am broken.
No one can fill that void in my life.

Submit my words to the Lord.
When emotions are present, Trust in the Lord, and submit yourself and your words to Him.
Desire to be submissive in all things.



I saw Jimmy today, and seen that it has not only taken a toll on my life but on his as well. He had lost alot of weight and was more pale then I ever had seen him.
The mind plays tricks on you. The whole time my thoughts made up these stories that he was living a high life since he's been gone.
Today proved me wrong.


So today, as I continue this life-long journey on this gravel road, maybe I'll stop here and there to pick up a couple of stones. Keep them in my back pocket, to look back and just to remember how far I've come.

Funeral

As some things we don't understand in the bible, nor might you this.

My love has died. I visited his funeral today.
I lay him to rest with prayers and blessings upon him.
May Heaven be present in his life, may we rejoice in his happiness.
Lord, heal my heart from the death of my husband.
May I carry his love and his name and show his teachings to the world.
May your wisdom, strength and love shine through me.
May it blossom and bloom of the things I've learned and forget and rebuke the things that were before him.
As I grow from this experience, allow me to shine for you,
To grow, and be the best mother as my baby sees the light in me.
Let the strength and light pass to him.
Let him never to give up.
Love is everlasting.

My love remains.

Only God can raise the dead.
And when God tells me my heart is ready,
let Heaven come to my front door.




Written By: Julie Hayward
03-11-09

flesh vs spirit

Sometimes we do things and deep inside our heart we know by God it's wrong, but we convince ourselves that it is okay, and we talk to our friends about the problems we're facing, because if their on your side, you feel better about the situation, giving you the go-ahead. But don't make yourself out to be the bad guy, because they won't give you the answer your flesh is looking for.

Does it make it right?

A week ago, prior to this lifestyle I now live, I used to do just this.
But by coming to the Lord, and reaching out to Him for ALL of my problems, I've FINALLY see that now I'm not afraid to hide what's wrong about me! And I just read in the bible the other day (I apologize for not remembering the book or scipture) but it shows us that we need to come before the Lord as unclean. How we need to not make ourselves out to be this person we aren't.

So be honest. When you make a promise before God, do what your spirit desires and not your flesh. It may be the hardest thing in the world, and you may feel as if the worlds view may change about you... but that's not God telling you that!
Be honest. Be true. God will bless you.

My love remains.

Letter

Passionate now more than ever before.

As my heart has changed for the Lord, may my husbands as well.
God is the creator.
I believe in Him. That's why I married.

A moment to look back on.
Jimmy did so much to prepare for our wedding.
And we were blessed by many.
Grandma Hayward gracefully blessed our wedding. She went on to be with the Lord shortly after our wedding.
We only have a short time here on earth.
A short time to be faithful in our marriage, by being honest to God that when we say until death do us part, we really mean it.
We heard from the guests at our wedding the Lord was present.
Our wedding was the most beautiful wedding!

And he looked so indescribably handsome when I first started down the isle.

Things get rocky at times.
But the strong and faithful will stick through!
And I know that he and I are strong and faithful.
I know him too well to believe anything else.

So as God works on me, let the power as well work on my amazing undying loving husband!

Like I've said over and over...
"You can count on me that I'm not going anywhere"
This is a promise I made, a promise I'll keep.
I love you Jimmy for everything you've done, and how strong you are with all you're going through to be obedient to our Lord.

You're one amazing man.

The sparkle in my eye is back

God has shown me alot within the past week!

I've faced alot of trials. Alot of pain.

I'm so happy I have such a faithful and loving Father!
Sometimes we get all down when were going through alot. Sometimes we think we just can't handle it anymore. Sometimes we have feelings of giving up.

God has a time. A moment for us all. Sometimes as we grow, people comment to us the things we need to change. Speaking for myself, I was so stubborn, I didn't see those things... or I didn't want to see those things.

God has a time. A moment for us all.
Last Sunday was my moment. The very moment when He embraced my heart.
Instead of looking at what everyone else around me is doing, I now focus on bettering me. Making good decisions for not only myself, but for those I love.
To not be so selfish.
To be more graceful.
To be more apologetic.
To be more peaceful.
To be more at ease.
To be more Christ-like.

Unfortunately it took divorce papers for me to see this. But I am thankful.
My goal is to be all the above and as well to be the best wife (as long as I will be one) and the best mother until the day I'm put to rest.

I'm a new woman now. With new eyes. I see more clearly. More than I ever have before.

God is... words can't even describe!


Lord, I asked you to bring it! You did, you have and you are!
I have been tested. And I can actually see them. There are times like today, when someone said something... and I felt so good at the end and prayed afterwards because I know it was a test I passed!!!

This is just the beginning! I'm looking forward to learning more. Surround myself with people that are great wifes, great mothers and Christ-like.



On a different note, I brought my creation of a masquing product (mask) to school. I created this mask for an after cleansing process.
I made it with some essential ingredients such as lavender, eucalyptus & almond.
The instructor told me I needed to patent it. It made me feel very blessed for my hard work in making it.
I plan on naming this product line... "Generation Purity"
So when you see this on the shelves, pick it up, and know it's made with the love that was created by God. Because He IS Love!

Construction Ahead

Please Yield.

Relief. There have been answered prayers. I feel them within myself.

It was an extremely painful week, I'm not going to lie, but I needed it. I needed every bit of it.

Yesterday was a start to my new journey. It seems as if I can breathe better. It seems as if I'm healthier then I ever have been.

When this all began I cried and cried. I now see that even pass the pain, I was selfishly crying for me, when I should have been crying for the ones I loved because of the pain I've put them through.

I realized that it had become a natural habit for me that even though I had apologized for some of the things I had said or done, I would point fingers right back and say "We'll, you did this so you should apologize for this".
God has shown me that I need to be responsible for only my actions. To not point fingers on others mistakes. That would be calling me a hypocrite. To focus on me unless it is to uplift. It is my responsibility to be Christ-like to those around me. To uplift, to be pleasant, to be honest, to be reliable, to be responsible, to honor and protect my family.
I asked for forgiveness.
I love my God. My Father.

So although this past week was the beginning of this construction, I've got some more gravel to haul. I've taken things for granted and I'm seeing them everyday. I still need to go through this rough journey alone for now. To see what all I've taken for granted. It's hard, but I asked God to bring it! I need it. I'll do it for my family.

With every bit of love I have,
Julie Hayward

Today

Today was a hard day at church. I ache.

I asked God to forgive those things I said to Jimmy, so I will know in my heart, I finally have done the right thing.

I can't speak for Jimmy. I don't know what's going on in his life. He has his own relationship with God.

As for an answer?
I don't know the answers to anything yet.

I pray that his family will be healed by this whole thing, because I know they hurt too.

I'm sorry Chris.
I'm sorry Karen.
I'm sorry Alison.
I'm sorry Johnathan.



I take responsibility for my actions, my words, my behavior.
I'm human, and the only thing I can do is ask you for forgiveness.

Although Jimmy wont forgive me now, I pray that one day in his heart, he'll somehow find a way to get ahold of me and let me know that he does forgive me.

I miss him. I truly do. Even through all the heartache.
Even through everything that has been said or done to.
I forgive you.



I fell on my knees at church today. I couldn't get up. Worship had me focus on my priorities. I can only apologize so much.


The first year of marriage is supposed to be hard. We've both said things that got under eachothers skin.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes. God HATES divorce.
I love him. I'm willing to fight for our marriage.
If we can get through this, we can get through anything.
But it takes him to want to fight with me.

I want to love, cherish, be a good wife. I desire to be a good wife for him. As much as he may doubt it now. I enhale Proverbs 31 as if I can never let it go.

My love remains.