childlike = youthful

Not sure what the deal is...
...but I'm liking it!

I've been told the other day that I look like I'm 20 years old. The day after that, 21, lol and the one that told me today was debating on 21 or 22, and said no more than 22, and would definitely card me.

I couldn't tell you exactly why that is, but if I were to guess it would be because of the complete joy I have within my heart. When you completely surrender your life to God, not worrying about what anyone else thinks, and believes that this unknown figure is your true father who brought you breath, and within taking that breath you feel the joy of being youthful.

Having that childlike faith again, and knowing there is something so much more beautiful beyond any of our imaginations is more beautiful then any rose, then any skyline, or even the amazing innocence of a beautiful baby that puts a smile on all faces.

So try not to let things get to you... too much. I know what pain feels like, but you need to handle it and not dwell on it. Embrace it, because within that pain... it's bringing you closer to the only thing in the world that truly makes you whole.

Maybe I'm so used to pain... or maybe I'm scared to let it go. But all I know is that I'm filled with a joy that no one can take away.



Sometimes it's all you need.

Last thing to be expected!!!

Whyyyyyy???

Okay, so I am so incredibly on fire right now! Happier then I have ever been in my life! I'm starting to see God's plan... but sometimes He throws me right off track! Well, at least in my point of view.

I have been establishing myself, on my own, and have been very happy with results. It's been hard. It took me awhile to complete all my testing to become an official licensed esthetician because each test was around $100. But I finally did it, and doing what I've been wanting to do my entire life.

This is the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE where I have felt complete... alone!

So WHYYYYYY???

I'm not exactly sure how things happened. Or how things evolved. I've kept myself from opening up to people because my lack of trust. And I had no desire to approach to even talk to the opposite sex.

I still have these boundaries in my heart. It will have to be earned this time around. Kinda sucks how one bad guy can ruin it for the good guys out there. But I actually feel good about it because I am in control of me, my feelings, my worth. I know how valuable I am. And if there were something that I learned in past experiences... is to have a head on my shoulder of my own!

I can easily, without a doubt survive without a man.

So WHYYYYYY???

My divorce is coming up to a year already. I can't believe it. It doesn't seem that long ago. But throughout that entire time, I have been obedient through it all.

In the back of my head, I feel like it's too soon. But then again, my main focus is friendship. And building off of that. Why rush when things are so amazingly awesome as they are now?!

So if you hadn't figured it out. I've opened myself up to trust a particular individual. What is really neat about this is that I don't really have to do all the dirty work. lol. He's part of my Church Family, very open with life, involved, and everyone and their mom knows him it seems like. Just listening to people and what they say about him, puts a smile on my face.


One thing that I'm trying to stay focused on is the pain I went through. Although I don't want this guy to think I am still "there" because I am not... I have been able to help so many more people with the experiences I've encountered. So I kind of don't want to let them go (the thoughts that is). Plus, I want to write a book one day and emotionally be involved with every word.

Dear God,
Only you know me inside and out. Please keep my heart tight next to yours. I think after 27 years, I'd like to finally have some consistency in my life. Please show me what that feels like.
I love you

So Why? I'm not going to question. I'm enjoying what you're doing in my life =)

Dear Jesus,

You're birthday is coming up, and I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to celebrate it. To know you, and know you live amongst us. You make my world such a beautiful place.

I'm far from perfect as you know, but I want to thank you for coming here, to the soil I stand on now and giving your entire life to show us truth, and for your work here. I only know what I read, but what I feel is a love like no other. Thank you for bringing that joy inside this heart of mine. That love is undying and I can only pray we can become more like you.

To just simply write you a letter is hard, because these words mean nothing compared to how I feel. My heart belongs to you. I'm happy that you have revealed yourself to me, and that you've allowed my heart to welcome you.

I can't wait to see you one day and give you the best hug I could possibly ever imagine! Until then, Happy Birthday my Savior.

I love you.
Julie

Care less for anything more

I went to lunch with a friend from church yesterday, our topic... "dating".

She asks me why and how do I get approached so often. And I explained...

I used to be needy, and when you're needy is when you get the WRONG guy! Those guys abuse women. Take advantage of, lie about, get what they want out of it, but really manipulative into making you think that all your dreams are coming true, then leave. And come to find out why they do such things is because they aren't in control of their own lives. So the only way to feel like a "man" is to be able to control the only thing they can possibly control... their wives.

Most girls deny that they are "needy". All women want to feel independent. But if you are SEARCHING for someone, then you are NEEDY! It is the truth. Yes, a majority of us want to be wanted. Want to be held. Want to be loved. Want to be hugged, kissed... and just have that companion. But if you LOOK for it, is when you're being selfish and not letting God do His thing. That's when it begins to crumble.

Oh I've been there! I've laid down some $$$ to find an individual. STUPID decision! I wish I could tell everyone in the entire world... PLEASE be CAREFUL who you get involved with! Some can be SO SLY! Some may seem like the prince charming that they AREN'T. Comfort you by telling you the things that matters most to you, but hide the things that matter most to him.

Most of my friends are older then me... still having dating issues. But I can say, that it's not the age in men. My ex was 7 years older then I. Don't think because he is a pastors son that he will be a "good guy". Or if he works for a very large ministry (such as the person my friend dated). The FIRST thing a guy is going to tell you... is something that is going to make you want to trust him!

DO NOT GO BASED ON HIS FAMILY OR WHAT HE IS INVOLVED WITH!

You have to dig deeper. I've learned how to watch out for the slightest of a red flag. From what their "fantasies" are. To how involved they are. Where their heart is. How far away they live from their parents (there might just be a reason for that). They might seem incredibly close, and maybe the parents have no clue,... but maybe just maybe he is really someone else then what his parents think he is.

There are going to be those days where you feel lonely. That's okay. One thing I can say is... IMMEDIATELY get in the Word! It will feel your every emotion, every desire, your thirst, your hunger! It will fulfill you!

When you come to a point where you're completely content with being on your own. You KNOW you can conquer anything you set your mind to. When you put God first, then focus on you, your temple, everything that matters most, then one day when you're REALLY NOT WANTING ANYTHING AT ALL, people tend to approach you from all angles.

But the best part of this is that you're now in control of your life. Yeah, it's kind of nice to get attention. All girls like attention. But you care less for anything more. You work out daily because you want it. Because it feels good to your soul. You can love everyone, male or female without having any at all thoughts of "POTENTIAL".

That's another problem with single woman. Every guy we meet, it's not just a thought of "friendship"... it's literally "potential". You CANNOT think that way! C A N N O T! It's ooooooookay to be FRIENDS with a guy. Don't think any more then that. And honestly, a guy finds that as being a "challenge". If that's the case, a chase is NOT what you want. Tellem' to get lost. lol But in a nicer way.

If you're like me, we don't like to hurt a guys feelings. But look... they aren't opposed to hurting us! They care less. (I'm not saying all guys are like that, but all the guys IVE dealt with are). But honestly, guys are more brutally honest about their feelings then girls. If he's not "the" guy, then IT'S OKAY to tell him honestly how you feel! "Hey, I don't want to waste your time, but I'm not the girl for you" (trying to play it out in a nice way), then they may try and make you feel good by saying something like "You are more then what I ever could have imagined",... so then naturally as a stupid girl, we fall for the crap. Excuse my language.

That was a red flag us girls NEVER pay attention to! We never seen it!

If you desire to have a good husband one day,... don't cheat yourself. Be honest with yourself and your feelings. Love yourself. If you lack self-respect or self-esteem... you are guaranteed to be walked all over.

Be filled! Let your cup overflow! Be happy with who you are! Don't let anyone at all tell you that you are unworthy! You ARE WORTHY! Why do you think God put you here! You are so much more valuable then you know! And when you find that... (not pridefully) but when you are capable of knowing this, and bowing down to the one who brought you there... then you just know... that by His works, in HIS time, He will give you your hearts desires! Trust Him. Let Him be the center of your life! LET NO ONE COME BEFORE HIM!

I can only say this, because I've done this.
Love what you have. Isn't that enough?

Dear Girl, There is hope.

If you're a girl and reading this, I want you to know you're not alone, and even though I may not know you... I love you.

Sometimes we go through such difficult trials. We hear so many bad words. And when they're ones that should know better then anyone else, it hurts even more. It makes it even harder to find that trust again. It's hard to look at people the same way. We hear that we are liars when we never lied. We hear we're in denial, when they have not a clue. People steal from us, and our children. A man that you might trust with your life... to throw you out with a pack of wolves.

...to literally feel like you've been eaten alive.

When you change your identity for someone because you love them, and it's all just... gone. Thousands that you inherited from family, sold. You have nothing left. He didn't care to leave you with a dime. Because in his heart, it's owed to him.

He doesn't tell you you're pretty enough, but tells you that you need to drop to a certain weight by a certain time period. He tells you that you don't take care of yourself, when you spend hours in front of the mirror preparing for the day. You workout at the minimum 2 times a day, not for yourself, but the man you love, just to make him happy. You research foods and change your entire ways of eating because now... for the first time, he shows you some positive attention, and finally tells you how smart you are. But don't you dare ask what a word might mean... he will tell you to "go look it up in the dictionary" and call you stupid and all kinds of mean words.

You're beat down to a point to where you don't even have the desire to breathe anymore.

The pain might be excruciating. The pain might be overwhelming. But you know... you KNOW you can't stop! You HAVE to keep going!

I didn't feel worthy when I was married. I didn't feel beautiful. I didn't feel like I amounted to anything. When you give so much, for the other to give back so little, ...take away, it's challenging to find warmth in someone again.

I've had to find myself again. It wasn't an overnight process. It took days, and weeks, and months to even begin to heal!

...but when you get to that "happy place" where you find complete happiness within. And you just KNOW you can conquer the world on your own!... it's an amazing feeling.

I'm not saying everything is perfect. My finances are still shot from the divorce. It will take me some time to recover, but you just can't ever give up! When you know you did everything you could do, and you did it the right way, then that's all that matters. God is on your side. And He will take care of what needs to be taken care of. That being you... and the ones who've harmed you.

Love yourself. Do things for YOU and NO ONE ELSE!
If you want to work out, ONLY do it for YOU!
If you want to eat, Go at it girl!
If you want leave your shoes out in the living room, leave 2 pairs of your gorgeous stilettos, it'll give the room a little shazamm!
If your heart feels wrong from other peoples choices... YOU STEP IN!!!
You have the RIGHT as a child of God to speak up!

If I could go back in time, that would have been one thing I would have changed. Was to be ME and respect my own opinion!

Now I love myself fully. Every part of me. Every inch of me. Every drop of me.
I know how incredibly intelligent I am! And I don't have to have a man tell me that! I know how full of love I am! And whoever is in my past... It's your loss.
I am capable of doing anything. I'm not opposed to anything which gives me the opportunities and creativity to do anything in the entire world!

Love yourself. All of you. You are soooooooooo worth it! And don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

So much to do! So little time!

Dillon has been sleeping in my bed every night. I love it. I told him that when school starts, he's going to have to go back to his own bed. I don't really want him to, but I know it has to be done.

Before we go to bed, we go over our daily planners to organize the following day. Then we cuddle and fall asleep with our legs all wrapped around the others. I like to put my arm over him and squeeze him tight. When we wake up in the morning, he looks at me and smiles. I love it. We're complete.

Before I was a bit scared to let him start sleeping in my bed because he used to wet the bed almost every single night. He doesn't at all now and I see the reason why he did. He was so scared of a particular individual who would give him a spanking for wetting the bed. "He" used this dollar size coin, and if the mark on his underwear were bigger than that coin,.. that would be considered wetting the bed.

Dillon nor I ever did anything right. Always punished first before ever being lifted up. I think we were both worn out.

Things are so wonderful now. We're happier then we ever have been =)
So so sooooooo incredibly indescibably happy!

There's a person at church that I became kinda close friends with. We both attend church regularly, Sun's, Wed's, Thurs, and Volunteer. He's nice and makes me feel beautiful.

We all ran the turkey trot together, 3.2 miles in 27.5 minutes. Not including that there were 2 crazy hills! I also met the girl that was a part of Jimmy's life, that I had forgave, and my son met hers. God is good.
Then the following day, we all met up on downtown to watch the parade of lights. It was beautiful.
Then yesterday (haha) we went hiking at the Fort Worth Nature Center. We got to see Buffalo, prairie dogs and deer. We love the outdoors!

Here are some shots from the past week events:







God is good.
I'm looking forward to the Jungle Bell Run that is coming up this weekend! Jerod might be wearing a Santa Suite. I'd sure like to see that! lol
Dillon chose to get an Elf hat to wear. I don't know what my theme will be yet. We'll see.

Two by Two

Sooo... last night I talked to a friend from church for about an hour.
I don't remember how we met... other than just a simple "good morning" and a shake of a hand at church.

I'm not close to the "dating" scene yet, but I am at the point where I'm beginning to test the trust. My heart desires to trust sooooo bad!

During our phone conversation last night we talked about several things. Some things that hit SO ON TARGET!!!

I told him things that I didn't like during my marriage. That I'd NEVER (people say "never say never" but I MEAN never!!!) go through again in a relationship.

When my ex and I were "together", we really weren't "together". In my mind, no other man existed. I didn't care about anything else in the whole wide world but to please him entirly.
Now looking back, all I see from him is that he not only took advantage of that but wanted more, more then I felt comfortable to give. It just kept growing in time! I always talked to him about how I didn't like the way he talked to me (made up stories and words even), and how I didn't like particular things. He would gracefully apologize and say it wouldn't happen again,... yet step by step, sneak his way back to same thing. In his heart, it never stopped.

So by talking to this guy, it kind of gives me hope once again. This guy said to me that there are guys who do like things like that, but he is one that really doesn't think it's enticing/appealing or even attractive. Then what he said really hit on target. He said when he gets married, he just wants it to be him and his wife. His words, "This may sound funny, but I'll be selfish with my wife, no way in the world would I want to ~share~ her with ANYONE".

I can't tell you how SPECCCCIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL that makes a woman feel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For a marriage to consist of ONLY TWO... I REPEAT... ONLY TWOOOOO PEOPLE is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

Real men really do exist!



I'll give this blog a WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! lol

I believe God made it Two by Two for a reason.