Dear Julie

Hi Julie ... Noticed you never replied back to my last message ...  Just noticed your post about Twilight Series and being alone ... May I ask why such a gorgeous woman who seems like a great Christian girl is so set against being with someone?  I've noticed it's a common thread in your posts ... Quotes and pics of quotes you have on and in your profile ... Did something really bad happen to you from your ex or a previous guy?  You can tell me it's none of my business and just ignore me or even delete me as a friend if you'd like ... It's just so sad to see and hear ... You seem like such a great catch for someone but you seem to have a lot of hurt or hatred for men or relationships .. Just my observation ... Hope and pray you'll give a good guy a chance to get through the walls you have built up .. You deserve a good guy who will love, protect and be true to you ... It is possible ... 😊   And I said all that to say .. I don't hardly know you from Adam but it breaks my heart to hear your pain .. Hope you have a blessed night 😊

I'm so very sorry for not responding. There was no reason on your part why I hadn't. Sometimes I'll read a message that I plan on getting back to later because I was to put more time, effort and emotion into a response. And there are times I get side tracked and completely forget what I was to do. 

Thank you so very much for calling me gorgeous. That's so very sweet of you. I'm actually going to tell you something that I don't express to the majority.  And I'm going to be tell you as shortly as possible. This is the reason why when you say in gorgeous and you don't even know me, hits a soft spot. 

It started Feb 26, 2010.  After the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, someone whom I trusted, the only man I've ever fantasized about... morning, noon and night.  How stupid a girl can feel when she finds out he was on a dating website before he left. How his friends, who were my own, betrayed me. The pain of for the first time in my life having a real family. That including a real mom, and a real dad. I loved them all. So much. On such a level,... I was blind. 

I ran marathons, I worked out twice a day. I had to. I was addicted. The gym was my heroin. It was my getaway. My pain that felt so good. 

When he left, 4 days later,... CPS picked up my son. The worst week of my life.  My ex, a pastors son, a fireman, a respected individual which gave him silent power.  Never would have expected him to leave bruises on my child. 

There was no proof that he had left, according to them. I couldn't have my son. He was taken away from the only family he had. Me. Because of a man. Who said he loved us. 

I fought for my son for a long 9 months. Until the divorce was finally finalized. My son got to come back home. 

Things were wonderful. 

Months later, a church friend begs me to go out to downtown with her. She, an everyone else was tired of me waiting for his return. 

She arranged a sitter, for both mine and her son. At her home. 

We got ready. And left. 

As the sun began to set, car headlamps began to come on. We were crossing the Henderson bridge into downtown, when she said "look, it's our night, we have all green lights". Within seconds after she said that she threw her hand in front of me and yelled "THERE NOT STOPPING!!!"

Out of the corner of my right I, in the split of a second, I saw headlights, centered by red paint. 

They hit my side of the vehicle. We flipped three times into oncoming traffic.   The car stopped upside down. I don't remember the sound, but I remember after she got out, screaming my name, over and over and over again. Screaming. 

I was in a fetal position, on my knees, with my left arm bent next to my left ear and my right arm straight forward, next to my right ear. 

A by standard crawled into the car from the drivers side.  She tried to tug on my left arm, for some reason, I had not the energy nor strength to move, yet talk. But I forced myself to get enough strength to tell her not to touch me. I wasn't in pain. But I knew something was wrong. 

It occurred somewhere around 7pm.  Jaw if life and a difficult transition strapped onto a hard plastic board later. 

Around 4Am the following morning, my X-rays, cat scans and MRIs were complete. I knew I had nothing to worry about and was going to be released. 

The Dr came in and said "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you're going to be okay. The bad news is, you broke your neck"

At that very moment I began to cry. And the strain from crying, was the first time I felt the pain. 

I told myself, I would have never been put in this situation if he hasn't of left. 

A church family took care of me and my son for several months.  They were pastoral staff. Still are. 

I'm grateful for them taking me in. But if I were to have changed anything, that wouldn't have happened. 

He would give me meds every 2 hours from what I understood. Things were going in their family and his wife began accusing him of falling for me. Well, she never stopped with the accusations and while on bed rest, he attempted his moves. She wouldn't listen to me. She would rather get her sleep and sleep in late. By the time I could shower on my home, I gave the ultimatum that I was going to go home. I didnt care of my condition. My energy went to stress, and not healing. 

So not only did I have a pastors son do what he did, but then someone people call pastor, do what he did. 

My trust was destroyed. 

But I'm not one to give up easily. I tried love again. It didn't work out, but it wasn't the kind of pain I had gone through. Actually found out that there are some good guys out there. But I had to let him go. And I am at peace about it. 

Back to the beautiful comment. After my accident, I gained over 80 pounds. And this is the part I don't tell...

Though I was once extremely active, I have purposely kept on the weight. I don't like attention, and I want to be looked passed. I feel like, if its honest, if its true, someone will fall in love with my heart. And then, I will find my happiness in the gym again. Cause I know that if he will love me now, he will no matter the condition, if not more. 

My looks have always attracted people. But I have been hurt so much by it, that sometimes,... being "beautiful" is a curse. Sometimes, you'll do whatever it takes to be beautiful no longer. Because that's not the kind of guy you want to attract. 

So, you're right. There is pain. Maybe more unpredictable thoughts of being scared.  Maybe it keeps me safe. But it also keeps me lonely at times. There are walls. But it won't take long for the right guy to get through them. 

I know this was an extremely long story. And thank you for taking time to read it. This is me. It's why I am the way I am. Just,... broken. 

Broken and bowed down to Jesus.