Sweet Dreams

A, NM

Dear Beautiful Daughter of God,

There might just be a reason why you frequently visit my page. I've had other girls do the same who were involved with his mess. One of them came to the realization that everything on his part was invalid. His exterior is beautiful huh? His words can really make you want to enjoy the ride with him. He seduces you with his words. He makes the blood flow through your body, just as he knows to do. He's good at it. I know. And you being a girl, wants to fill this gorgeous mans every wish and fantasy.

I know more about you then you may think. I know the moment that when he left to fly to you, he met a flight attendant. When he flew back, he went back to Christy. Cheated on you, and ended it with you, then welcomed the flight attendant to his beautiful little 2 story in Arlington. He never said anything bad about you. I've seen pictures of you. You are beautiful, and intelligent. I guess that's why you're coming here, because you only know 1 story. I'm sure he called you, just as he did Christy the day our divorce was finalized, but was incredibly upset because he then learned she was happily married. I'm sure terrible things were said. I only know this because the last person who was involved with him, spoke some really harsh words towards me through messages because of him. I never once responded. Then when she figured him out, she came to me and asked me to forgive her. She realized the truth, it matched exactly to the words I've spoken and will always be the same story, because it's not just a story, it was reality.

Girl, don't waste your time. Actually, it's not for me to say. You do what you wanna do. I'm just praying you don't get as hurt and torn apart as I did.

I guess I didn't even have to write anything. You are visiting my blog because in your heart, you've already seen the a red flag or two.

Good Luck.

Reflecting Back On 2009

Although I pretty much have everything written in this blog of mine, I did this last year when I started my blog, so thought I might make it a simple tradition.

January: Honestly, I think I'm forcing myself to forget about anything in between Oct 2007-Feb 2009. I don't remember this month. Must not have been anything important enough to remember.

February: The month my husband up and left and blamed it on me. The most betrayal I've ever felt from anyone was from him and his family. They're experts at "words".

March: My birthday month. I lost 40 lbs this month.

April: Alot of pain. Just focused on making it through school and nothing is going to stop me this time.

May: Quit the job at the chiropractors office. Didn't want to chance running into the ex. On top of that, he showed up to MY gym with his girlfriend.

June: Graduated school. This chapter has now closed, now I'm just waiting for the the book to close.

July: Lots of court stuff. Really getting involved in the church. Studying for State Board Exam.

August: I honestly can't remember when the divorce was finalized. I try to forget. But I think it was this month.

September: Just another one of those months I look forward to getting through fast.

October: I find out Jimmy was on a dating website before he had left and filed for divorce. Props to him I guess. Someone can have him. Seriously.

November: I realize this month that is wasn't Jimmy who divorced me... that is was God SAVING me!!! And this month, my amazing little boy came home. Jerod joined us for the first time running Fort Worth's Turkey Trot, which is the same day I unexpectedly met Trish.

December: This month is a great one. Although we didn't really have funds to do much Christmas shopping, for the first time Dillon and I got to sit down and do a reenactment together. It was fun. Jerod joined us for the Fort Worth Jingle Bell Run. Dillon asked him if he was ever going to spank him. He said no. You should have seen the glow on that boys face. Things are bright now. Not dark like before. I'm so happy to be free from so many lies and that God placed me in areas where I never imagined it could be so beautiful. Be faithful, and God will bless you. ;)

Jerod asked Dillon permission if he could ask me to be his girlfriend. I thought that was adorable. So it's completely weird to say... I now have a boyfriend. lol

2010 is a few days away. I couldn't be more excited to bring in the New Year. I might just accept the kiss request. =)

childlike = youthful

Not sure what the deal is...
...but I'm liking it!

I've been told the other day that I look like I'm 20 years old. The day after that, 21, lol and the one that told me today was debating on 21 or 22, and said no more than 22, and would definitely card me.

I couldn't tell you exactly why that is, but if I were to guess it would be because of the complete joy I have within my heart. When you completely surrender your life to God, not worrying about what anyone else thinks, and believes that this unknown figure is your true father who brought you breath, and within taking that breath you feel the joy of being youthful.

Having that childlike faith again, and knowing there is something so much more beautiful beyond any of our imaginations is more beautiful then any rose, then any skyline, or even the amazing innocence of a beautiful baby that puts a smile on all faces.

So try not to let things get to you... too much. I know what pain feels like, but you need to handle it and not dwell on it. Embrace it, because within that pain... it's bringing you closer to the only thing in the world that truly makes you whole.

Maybe I'm so used to pain... or maybe I'm scared to let it go. But all I know is that I'm filled with a joy that no one can take away.



Sometimes it's all you need.

Last thing to be expected!!!

Whyyyyyy???

Okay, so I am so incredibly on fire right now! Happier then I have ever been in my life! I'm starting to see God's plan... but sometimes He throws me right off track! Well, at least in my point of view.

I have been establishing myself, on my own, and have been very happy with results. It's been hard. It took me awhile to complete all my testing to become an official licensed esthetician because each test was around $100. But I finally did it, and doing what I've been wanting to do my entire life.

This is the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE where I have felt complete... alone!

So WHYYYYYY???

I'm not exactly sure how things happened. Or how things evolved. I've kept myself from opening up to people because my lack of trust. And I had no desire to approach to even talk to the opposite sex.

I still have these boundaries in my heart. It will have to be earned this time around. Kinda sucks how one bad guy can ruin it for the good guys out there. But I actually feel good about it because I am in control of me, my feelings, my worth. I know how valuable I am. And if there were something that I learned in past experiences... is to have a head on my shoulder of my own!

I can easily, without a doubt survive without a man.

So WHYYYYYY???

My divorce is coming up to a year already. I can't believe it. It doesn't seem that long ago. But throughout that entire time, I have been obedient through it all.

In the back of my head, I feel like it's too soon. But then again, my main focus is friendship. And building off of that. Why rush when things are so amazingly awesome as they are now?!

So if you hadn't figured it out. I've opened myself up to trust a particular individual. What is really neat about this is that I don't really have to do all the dirty work. lol. He's part of my Church Family, very open with life, involved, and everyone and their mom knows him it seems like. Just listening to people and what they say about him, puts a smile on my face.


One thing that I'm trying to stay focused on is the pain I went through. Although I don't want this guy to think I am still "there" because I am not... I have been able to help so many more people with the experiences I've encountered. So I kind of don't want to let them go (the thoughts that is). Plus, I want to write a book one day and emotionally be involved with every word.

Dear God,
Only you know me inside and out. Please keep my heart tight next to yours. I think after 27 years, I'd like to finally have some consistency in my life. Please show me what that feels like.
I love you

So Why? I'm not going to question. I'm enjoying what you're doing in my life =)

Dear Jesus,

You're birthday is coming up, and I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to celebrate it. To know you, and know you live amongst us. You make my world such a beautiful place.

I'm far from perfect as you know, but I want to thank you for coming here, to the soil I stand on now and giving your entire life to show us truth, and for your work here. I only know what I read, but what I feel is a love like no other. Thank you for bringing that joy inside this heart of mine. That love is undying and I can only pray we can become more like you.

To just simply write you a letter is hard, because these words mean nothing compared to how I feel. My heart belongs to you. I'm happy that you have revealed yourself to me, and that you've allowed my heart to welcome you.

I can't wait to see you one day and give you the best hug I could possibly ever imagine! Until then, Happy Birthday my Savior.

I love you.
Julie

Care less for anything more

I went to lunch with a friend from church yesterday, our topic... "dating".

She asks me why and how do I get approached so often. And I explained...

I used to be needy, and when you're needy is when you get the WRONG guy! Those guys abuse women. Take advantage of, lie about, get what they want out of it, but really manipulative into making you think that all your dreams are coming true, then leave. And come to find out why they do such things is because they aren't in control of their own lives. So the only way to feel like a "man" is to be able to control the only thing they can possibly control... their wives.

Most girls deny that they are "needy". All women want to feel independent. But if you are SEARCHING for someone, then you are NEEDY! It is the truth. Yes, a majority of us want to be wanted. Want to be held. Want to be loved. Want to be hugged, kissed... and just have that companion. But if you LOOK for it, is when you're being selfish and not letting God do His thing. That's when it begins to crumble.

Oh I've been there! I've laid down some $$$ to find an individual. STUPID decision! I wish I could tell everyone in the entire world... PLEASE be CAREFUL who you get involved with! Some can be SO SLY! Some may seem like the prince charming that they AREN'T. Comfort you by telling you the things that matters most to you, but hide the things that matter most to him.

Most of my friends are older then me... still having dating issues. But I can say, that it's not the age in men. My ex was 7 years older then I. Don't think because he is a pastors son that he will be a "good guy". Or if he works for a very large ministry (such as the person my friend dated). The FIRST thing a guy is going to tell you... is something that is going to make you want to trust him!

DO NOT GO BASED ON HIS FAMILY OR WHAT HE IS INVOLVED WITH!

You have to dig deeper. I've learned how to watch out for the slightest of a red flag. From what their "fantasies" are. To how involved they are. Where their heart is. How far away they live from their parents (there might just be a reason for that). They might seem incredibly close, and maybe the parents have no clue,... but maybe just maybe he is really someone else then what his parents think he is.

There are going to be those days where you feel lonely. That's okay. One thing I can say is... IMMEDIATELY get in the Word! It will feel your every emotion, every desire, your thirst, your hunger! It will fulfill you!

When you come to a point where you're completely content with being on your own. You KNOW you can conquer anything you set your mind to. When you put God first, then focus on you, your temple, everything that matters most, then one day when you're REALLY NOT WANTING ANYTHING AT ALL, people tend to approach you from all angles.

But the best part of this is that you're now in control of your life. Yeah, it's kind of nice to get attention. All girls like attention. But you care less for anything more. You work out daily because you want it. Because it feels good to your soul. You can love everyone, male or female without having any at all thoughts of "POTENTIAL".

That's another problem with single woman. Every guy we meet, it's not just a thought of "friendship"... it's literally "potential". You CANNOT think that way! C A N N O T! It's ooooooookay to be FRIENDS with a guy. Don't think any more then that. And honestly, a guy finds that as being a "challenge". If that's the case, a chase is NOT what you want. Tellem' to get lost. lol But in a nicer way.

If you're like me, we don't like to hurt a guys feelings. But look... they aren't opposed to hurting us! They care less. (I'm not saying all guys are like that, but all the guys IVE dealt with are). But honestly, guys are more brutally honest about their feelings then girls. If he's not "the" guy, then IT'S OKAY to tell him honestly how you feel! "Hey, I don't want to waste your time, but I'm not the girl for you" (trying to play it out in a nice way), then they may try and make you feel good by saying something like "You are more then what I ever could have imagined",... so then naturally as a stupid girl, we fall for the crap. Excuse my language.

That was a red flag us girls NEVER pay attention to! We never seen it!

If you desire to have a good husband one day,... don't cheat yourself. Be honest with yourself and your feelings. Love yourself. If you lack self-respect or self-esteem... you are guaranteed to be walked all over.

Be filled! Let your cup overflow! Be happy with who you are! Don't let anyone at all tell you that you are unworthy! You ARE WORTHY! Why do you think God put you here! You are so much more valuable then you know! And when you find that... (not pridefully) but when you are capable of knowing this, and bowing down to the one who brought you there... then you just know... that by His works, in HIS time, He will give you your hearts desires! Trust Him. Let Him be the center of your life! LET NO ONE COME BEFORE HIM!

I can only say this, because I've done this.
Love what you have. Isn't that enough?

Dear Girl, There is hope.

If you're a girl and reading this, I want you to know you're not alone, and even though I may not know you... I love you.

Sometimes we go through such difficult trials. We hear so many bad words. And when they're ones that should know better then anyone else, it hurts even more. It makes it even harder to find that trust again. It's hard to look at people the same way. We hear that we are liars when we never lied. We hear we're in denial, when they have not a clue. People steal from us, and our children. A man that you might trust with your life... to throw you out with a pack of wolves.

...to literally feel like you've been eaten alive.

When you change your identity for someone because you love them, and it's all just... gone. Thousands that you inherited from family, sold. You have nothing left. He didn't care to leave you with a dime. Because in his heart, it's owed to him.

He doesn't tell you you're pretty enough, but tells you that you need to drop to a certain weight by a certain time period. He tells you that you don't take care of yourself, when you spend hours in front of the mirror preparing for the day. You workout at the minimum 2 times a day, not for yourself, but the man you love, just to make him happy. You research foods and change your entire ways of eating because now... for the first time, he shows you some positive attention, and finally tells you how smart you are. But don't you dare ask what a word might mean... he will tell you to "go look it up in the dictionary" and call you stupid and all kinds of mean words.

You're beat down to a point to where you don't even have the desire to breathe anymore.

The pain might be excruciating. The pain might be overwhelming. But you know... you KNOW you can't stop! You HAVE to keep going!

I didn't feel worthy when I was married. I didn't feel beautiful. I didn't feel like I amounted to anything. When you give so much, for the other to give back so little, ...take away, it's challenging to find warmth in someone again.

I've had to find myself again. It wasn't an overnight process. It took days, and weeks, and months to even begin to heal!

...but when you get to that "happy place" where you find complete happiness within. And you just KNOW you can conquer the world on your own!... it's an amazing feeling.

I'm not saying everything is perfect. My finances are still shot from the divorce. It will take me some time to recover, but you just can't ever give up! When you know you did everything you could do, and you did it the right way, then that's all that matters. God is on your side. And He will take care of what needs to be taken care of. That being you... and the ones who've harmed you.

Love yourself. Do things for YOU and NO ONE ELSE!
If you want to work out, ONLY do it for YOU!
If you want to eat, Go at it girl!
If you want leave your shoes out in the living room, leave 2 pairs of your gorgeous stilettos, it'll give the room a little shazamm!
If your heart feels wrong from other peoples choices... YOU STEP IN!!!
You have the RIGHT as a child of God to speak up!

If I could go back in time, that would have been one thing I would have changed. Was to be ME and respect my own opinion!

Now I love myself fully. Every part of me. Every inch of me. Every drop of me.
I know how incredibly intelligent I am! And I don't have to have a man tell me that! I know how full of love I am! And whoever is in my past... It's your loss.
I am capable of doing anything. I'm not opposed to anything which gives me the opportunities and creativity to do anything in the entire world!

Love yourself. All of you. You are soooooooooo worth it! And don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

So much to do! So little time!

Dillon has been sleeping in my bed every night. I love it. I told him that when school starts, he's going to have to go back to his own bed. I don't really want him to, but I know it has to be done.

Before we go to bed, we go over our daily planners to organize the following day. Then we cuddle and fall asleep with our legs all wrapped around the others. I like to put my arm over him and squeeze him tight. When we wake up in the morning, he looks at me and smiles. I love it. We're complete.

Before I was a bit scared to let him start sleeping in my bed because he used to wet the bed almost every single night. He doesn't at all now and I see the reason why he did. He was so scared of a particular individual who would give him a spanking for wetting the bed. "He" used this dollar size coin, and if the mark on his underwear were bigger than that coin,.. that would be considered wetting the bed.

Dillon nor I ever did anything right. Always punished first before ever being lifted up. I think we were both worn out.

Things are so wonderful now. We're happier then we ever have been =)
So so sooooooo incredibly indescibably happy!

There's a person at church that I became kinda close friends with. We both attend church regularly, Sun's, Wed's, Thurs, and Volunteer. He's nice and makes me feel beautiful.

We all ran the turkey trot together, 3.2 miles in 27.5 minutes. Not including that there were 2 crazy hills! I also met the girl that was a part of Jimmy's life, that I had forgave, and my son met hers. God is good.
Then the following day, we all met up on downtown to watch the parade of lights. It was beautiful.
Then yesterday (haha) we went hiking at the Fort Worth Nature Center. We got to see Buffalo, prairie dogs and deer. We love the outdoors!

Here are some shots from the past week events:







God is good.
I'm looking forward to the Jungle Bell Run that is coming up this weekend! Jerod might be wearing a Santa Suite. I'd sure like to see that! lol
Dillon chose to get an Elf hat to wear. I don't know what my theme will be yet. We'll see.

Two by Two

Sooo... last night I talked to a friend from church for about an hour.
I don't remember how we met... other than just a simple "good morning" and a shake of a hand at church.

I'm not close to the "dating" scene yet, but I am at the point where I'm beginning to test the trust. My heart desires to trust sooooo bad!

During our phone conversation last night we talked about several things. Some things that hit SO ON TARGET!!!

I told him things that I didn't like during my marriage. That I'd NEVER (people say "never say never" but I MEAN never!!!) go through again in a relationship.

When my ex and I were "together", we really weren't "together". In my mind, no other man existed. I didn't care about anything else in the whole wide world but to please him entirly.
Now looking back, all I see from him is that he not only took advantage of that but wanted more, more then I felt comfortable to give. It just kept growing in time! I always talked to him about how I didn't like the way he talked to me (made up stories and words even), and how I didn't like particular things. He would gracefully apologize and say it wouldn't happen again,... yet step by step, sneak his way back to same thing. In his heart, it never stopped.

So by talking to this guy, it kind of gives me hope once again. This guy said to me that there are guys who do like things like that, but he is one that really doesn't think it's enticing/appealing or even attractive. Then what he said really hit on target. He said when he gets married, he just wants it to be him and his wife. His words, "This may sound funny, but I'll be selfish with my wife, no way in the world would I want to ~share~ her with ANYONE".

I can't tell you how SPECCCCIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL that makes a woman feel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For a marriage to consist of ONLY TWO... I REPEAT... ONLY TWOOOOO PEOPLE is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

Real men really do exist!



I'll give this blog a WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! lol

I believe God made it Two by Two for a reason.

(Oops. On the original posting, I had on the invitation the party scheduled for Aug. It's not. I corrected it. lol)

My Life in a Music Nutshell

It has taken some time to gather all these songs and put them in order and in the moments of my life where the meaning of each song was at it strongest. I have compiled many, dating back to 1996, but I thought I'd just start at 2007 for now. If you ever have a chance to listen to these... this is my life as you know it.

2007:
January-
February-
March-
April-
May- Mya, Case of the Ex
June- The Fray, Over My Head
July- Jimmy EatWorld, Say Hello Forever
August- (breakup w/R) Linkin Park, Shadow of the Day
September- Casting Crowns, I'll Praise You in This Storm
October- (Met Jimmy) Lifehouse, Everything
November- Rob Thomas, Ever The Same
December- (Engaged) Brad Paisley, He Didn't Have to Be

2008:
January- Britney Spears, Breathe On Me
February- (Married)LeAnn Rimes, On The Side Of Angels &
Shania Twain, From This Moment
March- Janet Jackson, That's The Way Love Goes
April- Destiny's Child, Cater 2 U
May- Boys2Men, Make It Last
June- Beyonce', Desperately In Love
July- Tamia, So Into You
August- Justin Timberlake/Beyonce', Until The End of Time
September- Jojo or SWV, Weak
October- Christina Milian, Highway
November- 2Pac, California Love
December- Out of Eden, Do You Hear What I hear

2009:
January- Usher/Jeezy, Love in This Club
February- (He left)Evans Blue, Ecliped
March- Kelly Clarkson, Addicted
April- Ciara, Like a Boy
May- Three Days Grace, Never Too Late
June- Jason Upton, Faith
July- Jeremy Camp, I Still Believe
August- (Divorce Finalized)Leona Lewis, Take a Bow
September- Britney Spears, Touch Of My Hand
October- Toni Braxton, Let It Flow
November- Sidewalk Prophets, The Words I Would Say
December-

Honest w/ Myself

Sometimes being honest with yourself is hard to do.

I can honestly say I've spent quality time with myself. Taken myself on dates. Appreciating me. And facing my feelings of things that have occurred in this life of mine.

Sometimes you want to move ahead. Forget what has happened. Be done with it. Start brand new. Be a new you.

Yes, it may seem like my emotions towards the divorce has dragged out for quite some time. I've been facing every emotion, every tear, embracing every hug, every prayer, on a daily basis since February 26th. I'm not a cheater, and although I've been physically cheated on... I will not emotionally, which is why I cannot give any part of me to another man for some time. I would cheat him out of all that I could give. And I just need that time to be only "me". And of course with my amazing Dillon, my son.

Things are going to be fun, just he and I for awhile. I wouldn't be bothered if it were forever. But I do know one day he will move on. Marry. Have a wife and maybe children. Oh goodness! I'm only 27, let's talk about something else!

So, just remember... there is absolutely nothing better then to be honest with yourself. No matter how long it can possibly take. I'm not going to cheat my one day most amazing husband in the whole world out of something that belongs to him. He deserves me as whole. And I am still healing.

Sheesh, this wound is deeper then I ever thought were possible! That doesn't mean every day has been excruciating. I've had an incredible time too. I just know the right moments to be able to reflect back on what has happened and properly emotionally deal with it.

So, if you're reading this, and struggling with loneliness... just remember you are beautiful. I think you are. Most importantly God thinks you are. You may have come across this blog from the other side of the world, but at this very moment that you're taking a breath... I'm taking one too. That is the closest I can get to giving you a hug.



PS. It's okay to have those feelings. It's normal. We all have them. Just know who truly makes you complete as you are. No one else does. You are beautiful as you are.

Struck...

I was struck in the locker room at the gym, first by the beat... but when the words began, I couldn't move. My workout was on standstill. This song replicates my feelings towards the man I onced loved.

Characteristics

So today is my last session at my counselors office. Boo. I'm supposed to turn in this list of characteristics I want and don't want in a guy. I'm not going to leave anything out. This is me. If it offends, I'm sorry. It's just how I honestly feel.
This is our first session to be talking about anything I want in someone, so don't take this as I am looking, because I'm still not ready, and won't be for some time.

1. Always calls to find out how your day is going.
2. Doesn't have a problem with apologizing when he knows he is wrong.
3. Will forgive and forget when you apologize for hurting his feelings!
4. Will NOT tell me that I need to apologize. I'm a grown woman, I can do it on my own.
5. Remembers important dates, for I hope its as important to him as it is to me =)
6. Surprises you with gifts (doesn't have to be bought), even when the occasion is not special. (Loves dancing in the kitchen, and receiving notes)
7. Tells you regularly that he loves you.
8. Knows how to caress, hug, kiss and fulfill your heart’s romantic desires.
9. Feels your pain when you go through hard times.
10. Loves to see you happy and rejoices with you.
11. Always makes quality time to spend with you.
12. Will never physically or emotionally abuse you.
13. Will not use your weaknesses against you. And his secrets against you!
14. Is patient and willing to work on your relationship problems.
15. Knows that it is important for you to spend time with your friends and family members.
16. Will always respect you in the presence (even not in the presence) of his friends and family members.
17. LOVES learning new things!
18. Enjoys doing projects together (mowing, gardening, music, working out)
19. Preferably not in debt.
20.Understands the value of financial responsibility
21. Enjoys giving an extra hand in helping you with chores around the house.
22. Enjoys the company of family and friends.
23. Supports your dreams and ambitions.
24. Never puts you down when talking to you.
25. Doesn't play the blame game.
26. Will not cheat on you (get on dating sites while you re MARRIED)
27. Despises Porn
28. Doesn't drink.
29. Thinks of you as the only woman on earth.
30. Believes LOVE is the most amazing gift.
31. Knows how to make love to you, for I don't know what passionate lovemaking feels like.
32. Cares a great deal about your thoughts, feelings and opinions.
33. Is always available to help when you need him.
34. Knows that his way is not the only way.
35. Someone who desires to make the world a better place. (involved)
36. Is not "TOUGH" but "broken".

Novemberrrrr

I've been wanting to write, but I got this little thing on my computer called a "virus". You know how that goes. Well, things are better. Better then usual actually.

Dillon is home for the weekends now, and because of so much time apart, he didn't want to sleep in his bedroom. And I didn't make him. So he fell asleep on my arm in my room watching cartoons. I might have actually fallen asleep before him. It was the first time in over 8 months that I fell asleep so easily.

We had a blast this past weekend. There was a festival that 7 churches threw together in South Fort Worth. It was really awesome! There was one "bounce house" in particular that Dillon enjoyed. He got to compete against an opponent of his choice. It reminded me of that show that I think we all used to watch called "American Gladiators". He got to challenge 4 individuals. And it was so cool to watch! He won all 4 challenges. And there was a pretty stout Hispanic boy too, that I thought was going to whoop him. Not to brag or anything,... my son won all 4 challenges. lol.

On to another little tidbit of info. Kind of saddened in a way. My counselor is kicking me out of the office. Boo. She's been wonderful. Helped me in so many ways. Last Wed. she told me to put together characteristics of what I like and don't like in a "guy". Then closer to the end of the session, she told me that she thinks that this session would be my last until I politely interrupted her saying I have to bring back my homework! She said "that's right". So I have one more session left. She says I don't need anymore, that all my priorities, wants, and needs are aligned. I've really enjoyed my time with her, and I have learned alot from a woman's perspective.

November is going to be a very busy month! Preparing to be just a family of 2. New school (private or public?), new job, birthdays, holidays, Fort Worth's Turkey Trot, Feed the homeless, planning movie outings with the church, still practicing guitar, voice lessons, my business that I'll be doing on the side, just so much! And I am so very very happy.

confirmed!

I was just told from a great friend of mine in San Diego that "great and good men that respect marriage vows exist out there"... and I truly, deep, deep, down inside my heart...

believe it.



I can't believe how good I feel right now! Oh God... you're making life so much more beautiful then it ever has been!
I just feel good for believing again! Praise the Lord! A wall has been lifted!

A Story of Two Wolves (author unknown)

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

"The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

www.christchurch-ag.com

My ex has really been on my heart today after church, because of the sermon that was preached today. It was really good. I have seen people who struggle with this topic, and it's not just a choice, I believe it's a sickness.

People think addiction is something that is visibly consecutive.
Maybe for example, drugs and alcohol. Something along those lines aren't that hard to talk about. But what if the addiction exists in your mind?
When you mention Porn, it's a very uncomfortable topic.

Lust is a lie you carry, carrying on a separate life.

Fantasy VS Reality... it eventually turns into compulsive lies (as I have seen)

Sin always grows in secrecy.

If you seek God to be your Core, only you can submit your words, and your actions to Him. Seek him to forgive you of your sins whether it be from of lies or behind closed doors.
Open up to those you have hurt. If they love you, they will not turn on you. Tell them the truth. Be a new you. Be whole. Be happy.

Find a friend that will hold you accountable.
www.covenanteyes.com is a great resource to begin with.
Use the code: BRAVEHEARTS for a free 30 day trial.


1 Corinthians 10:12-13
12 So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! 13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.


Although my ex hurt me beyond words, we will never "be" again, but I will always pray for him.

Wish there were more hours in the day!

Then quickly changed clothes and headed out to Six Flags. Today was a blast.

Dear love,

Somewhere you're out there, maybe getting ready for bed. Maybe tuning a guitar. Maybe taking your dog for a late night walk. Maybe practicing for a game that you have tomorrow. Or maybe even just in your car nodding your head, and tapping your fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of the music leaving the gym all stinky. lol.

I've been through a lot of pain this year. You may be going through the same. I don't know you're name, I've never met you, I don't know anything about you, but I'm praying for you.

One day we'll meet. I'll simply give you my name,... maybe even months later, my phone number. I'll slowly get to know you, as you get to know me.

There may be people before you and I. There may be some difficulties along the way. All I know is. I get this smile on my face knowing you will respect me like no man ever has. You will love me like no one ever has. You will show me your flaws from the beginning, and I will love them, and I will one day give you all of me. You will be lifted up always, you will feel like the luckiest man alive. And I will definitely be the luckiest girl in the world.

I want to sing to you late at night. Just to you. Scratch your head gently with my nails as I watch you fall asleep and listen to your heart as I melt into dream land of my own.

I'm not near this moment, but only God knows my heart and knows I desire to share my life with someone... and I trust Him, and am patient in His plan. It could be 2 years, it could very well be 15 or 30. But you and I will finally find the true love that is from the only one who is Love Himself.

I'm praying for your protection, your guidance, your strength, your own personal success of your goals,... and most importantly, I pray all your dreams come true.

Yours Truly,
Julie

Buy now - Pay later

This world is a "right now" kind of world.
When we want something, we want it now.

Maybe you find yourself looking to fill your creativity. Whether it be drawing, applying makeup, doing hair, singing, playing a new instrument, finding the desire to make something "happen". When I first started, I was very impatient. When I picked up the guitar, I wanted to play right then! "Jam out - play later"! It's a good thing that we get to go through the hardest part first (in most cases). Once you get over the "I want right now" need, you'll start to find things more enjoyable. When you see yourself develop, like you see a little child develop, you become proud of yourself because you see yourself growing in something you first thought couldn't possibly ever happen.

So whether it's buying something, maybe an "Oh so cool super-sized" HDTV to watch football with the guys. Sometimes, "buy now - pay later" isn't as rewarding as the patients you'd have to take a little extra time in life to save for something you want and pay it off then and there. Oh the freedom. The wonderful thing about it is... we have that choice =)

Or maybe in relationship form. Take your time. Concentrate on what you have rather then what you want, because what you want may not be what it is later on. Be patient. Love yourself. You are whole as you are.

Impatiently patient

Christmas is such a lovely time of year.

It's cold outside. You get to layer, and dress as funky or as professional as you want. Mix them both together, it's actually kind of cute.

Just the "feeling" you get in December. There's so much more giving, and less taking. I'm really looking forward to it. And though, I have not much to give. I have me to give.

Dillon should be arriving home this month. Maybe next. It's still a battle of communication, but at the same time, when I do get a hold of them, I couldn't be more thankful for the people God placed as my caseworkers. Yeah, things aren't done "on time" or the way "I'd like them to be handled", but there are a lot of things in life that didn't go according to the way "I" would like things to have gone. I trust in His plan.
I think this year, because it will literally be just me and Dillon for Christmas, there's no need to do it all alone. There's too many people out there who have even less then we do. So in return, we're going to find some organization for feasting the poor. Whatever it takes. We're going to give.

I've already been getting stuff down from the attic. Christmas stuff. I just want to skip Halloween altogether. But, I'll still find myself volunteering for the church, and watching kids from near and far smile with enjoyment as they slip their little feet out of their slip on shoes to climb up the blown-up slide, and feed their energy with yet another piece of candy. =)

I've been finding that I have this urge to start putting up Christmas lights on the house. But I don't want the neighbors to think I'm insane. So I'm impatiently being patient.

I'm still working on the words to express, so forgive me... as I'm still finding myself. It's like my feelings, patterns, trust, and words have been ripped out of my soul. I don't know how long it will take, but I'm sure it will be easier the day Dillon arrives and I tuck him in as he falls asleep in his bed for the first time.

With sooooooo much love pending,
Julie

Upping Time

The word was "before Christmas"
But now, the word is "before Thanksgiving"

I hope so!
I miss you Dillon.

Every single day, for the past 8 months, I am reminded.

Each and every morning, I already look forward to tomorrow.

It couldn't come any sooner.

To a Girl, a Friend, a Part of my Life.

You don't see an answer
You don't know why you're here
When you've been every direction
All you want is to disappear

When nothing seems to go right
And you can no longer take the pain
You're capable of handling it yourself
Then your tears fall down like rain

God, all I want is acceptance
All I want is love
All I want is to be held
All I want is a hug

Then God held me in his arms
And said He'll never let go
Just give me all your pain my dear
Trust me and then you'll know


You know just what I'm saying baby girl.
Go make your dreams comes true.
There is so much happiness along this road,
just remember "I Love You"



This is from a girl, who's had the same heartache
And everything in between
I hope you find the true beauty in you
That everyone else can see.


Your friend,
Julie

Encouragement I never expected

When I say I'm going to do something, without a question I do it.

The way I work is black and white, but rainbows when I write.

I got an e-mail from someone I've never heard of. I'm not going to say names, but this is what it read:

"Hey I just found your blog and was wondering why you would quite such a unique and beautiful thing?"
"As for the blog, can I encourage you to continue the writing and blogging.
One thing I know for sure, God gave us talents, strengths, abilities, gifts and yours is easily seen through your words and the images you paint."
"If you think about it, many writers, comedians and other creative types express their life's happiness, pain, joy, sorrow, loss, gain and experiences through words. Songs (lyrics) are an expression that gains much respect in many circles. Poems, video, movies, gosh just about anything you can think could be an effective avenue for your talents."
"I suggest you think about it for a while and let your creativity flow into areas where your words and emotions can be expressed. The blog is a really good start. Ask those who know you best what they think and do some brainstorming. You might be surprised at what might happen. God has made you to be a vehicle for showing people the way to Him. Use what has put in your hands.
I'm a big picture thinker and see potential in you. Let me know if I can help further."


I want to say thank you. I cannot express words as sit here and for the first time hear from someone who believes I can do something. My mind was wilting from all this pain of this year, and couldn't think of any other words to express. I had no feelings, no emotions. I was falling apart.

This has happened for a reason. I've been talking to a new friend. I don't "know" her or her situation, but there is pain. I also have another friend who just wrote me this morning to pray for her daughter. She was taken to the hospital and needs serious prayers. I have friends around me in Divorce Care, that can't see the meaning of life. I know how it feels... so in return I wrote this poem I am going to post next.

Thank you so much me new dear friend. I hope one day I can meet you and give you a great big hug.

Love,
Julie

TOWER

The foundation is strong.

The Walls are built thick, and are built up so high!

I'm on the 100th floor.

I don't want down.

And I'm not letting anyone in.

82

82. The year I was born.
82 more days. Till I delete this blog.

These blogs are reflections of my past, and a deep release of love, happiness, anger and pain.
There are better things in life to live for now. =)

100 days

100 days till we bring in the new year... and I could not be more excited!

I've already put yesterday behind me, now I am more than ready to put 2009 behind me!

Although Christmas '09 will probably be the best Christmas I ever have, I'm looking forward to the promises of tomorrow, 2010.

2009 is the hardest year of my life. From the struggles of things that I was forced to "deal with", many losses, many things stolen from my life both emotionally and material. And though I have to learn to trust once again, I'm not rushing it. Because I know that by not fully trusting, I am in this chapter in my life that I can give fully to God. I'm not blinded. I'm thinking of the one who matters most FIRST. I have nothing holding me back. And I am so in love. And I never want it to end.

I'm ready. Dillon will be coming home in a couple of weeks. Praise the Lord.
I couldn't thank enough the most amazing sister for being there in so many ways, and my beautiful niece for making me smile without her even saying a word.
I have learned so much from Dave Ramseys Financial Peace University! I love it! I have that sense of financial freedom now. My money doesn't control me. I control my money.
I have the most amazing friends in the whole world! I couldn't be more thankful!
I'm learning new things everyday. I'm practicing things everyday.

2009 equaled unexplainable heartache, but then I also found happiness I never thought was possible.



The countdown has begun.

Puddle of Tears

I don't have a puddle of tears because of any sort of connection. The connection clearly has been lost and I have been so happy because I have realized so much!

Why do I let this get to me? I'm not sure. But when you hear so many lies come from someone who you used to love, someone that used to not be the way they are now, it does hurt. I think mainly because I do have a good name for myself. I work hard every day to give 100% love to each person I see or talk to. Explains why I've had such long friendships. I mean, ask my bff Rachelle of 21 years. Ask my bff Stacey of 14 years. Ask my bff Kelly of almost 4 years. The list goes on. I am still friends with my ex bf's. I mean, we don't talk every day. But they are doing well and when we do talk, it's like... "remember this" and we laugh about it. But as for my ex, he is the only person in the world that it's impossible to have a decent normal conversation with without it taken out of context.
Beth, my roomate who knows me quite well was there when I recieved "Trish's" 1st e-mail on myspace. I would honest to God be lying if I said I DID write her. I never once wrote her.
I don't understand why he is so angry. And why he blames me for HIM walking out. I never knew it was going to happen. And the "clues" that he insists he gave are just an excuse. The guilt of what he did to me and my son must be the reason for his anger.

Well, I would love to finish this, but there is a HUGE storm coming in that I can hear. Just heard the TV in the living room go out, so before my computer goes kur-plunk, I'm going to submit this now and possibly... POSSIBLY finish this another time...

...Either way, let's just say for instance that all this mumble-jumble stuff he said were "true". Which not one thing is, but we're not married anymore! What is the sense of even saying anything about anything? There are NO TIES. I'm not controlled by him anymore. We are no longer connected in any way, fashion, form, etc. Seriously, what was the sole reason to bring to the table, even the littlest thing concerning any part of our relationship up? He did force the divorce. Why talk about it unless your under pressure of Heavy Whipped Guilt. The guilt is not mine, Jimmy. I didn't force you to unexpectingly, secretly walk out with everything while I was at school. The only sign I got, were from the neighbors, when she called me and said "Hey, when we told you we were moving, I thought you would have told us too."

For goodness sake! Just say thank you for the "bread pudding" location.

So much for being nice. Here's what my ex just wrote me today:

YOU contacted me!!! I NEVER asked or wanted to hear from you again--so don't act like I'm sending you UNWANTED messages!!! And stop being annoyed at people viewing your PUBLIC blog, thats stupid!--it's your choice to make it PUBLIC!!!
YOU NINCOMPOOP!!! I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!! TRISH IS NOT AND HAS NEVER BEEN MY GIRLFRIEND!!!--she laughs every time you call her that! I don't, because it just shows how disturbed you are!!! You will blame everyone but YOU for me leaving--NEWSFLASH: YOU ARE THE SOLE REASON I HAD TO LEAVE!!! I never cheated on you, I wasn't seeing anyone, I DIDN'T HAVE ANY OTHER MOTIVATION BUT TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR BRAINWASHED CONCENTRATION CAMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! btw, that term (brainwashed concentration camp) was coined by my dad to described YOU! ...

----( Chris Hayward - Cleansing Stream Ministries )----

... Also, I am at a complete loss on the "Mary Kay lady" thing--I haven't spoken to my "other girlfriend" from NM since I first met you!!! If you only knew how stupid you sound every time you talk about me having a "girlfriend"!!! THE THOUGHT OF BEING A "BOYFRIEND" MAKES ME SICK!!! MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS (INCLUDING TRISH) WOULD KILL ME IF I TRIED TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW!!! THAT'S HOW BAD YOU DAMAGED ME!!! I CAN'T EVEN BE A GOOD FRIEND TO ANYBODY RIGHT NOW, LET ALONE A STINKING BOYFRIEND!!! YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE ABOUT ME!!! YOU NEVER HAVE--THAT'S WHY IT CAUGHT YOU SO OFF-GUARD WHEN I LEFT YOU!!! I gave you warning after warning after warning . . . but you never listened . . .
Would you like to hear the truth about me leaving . . . . ? The night you threatened my job was the night I left you. My body may have been at home with you--but that's only because you threatened me . . . I was already gone. My last hope, my last prayer, my last act and feeling of love for you, and my last desire to be with you forever . . . . were forever lost in that moment. You snuffed my fire out.
I don't know if anyone will be able to salvage me again . . . I don't know if I will ever be a good friend again . . . a good "boyfriend" again . . . or even a good husband again. I do know one thing for sure though . . . I will never be any of those things for you.
So, go-ahead and keep telling yourself that I'm "evil" and that I was cheating on you if it makes you feel better about me leaving you. Keep telling other people that I stole from you if it makes you feel better. Keep telling everyone on your blogs, "spaces" and "faces" that I was an evil man who did evil things . . . whatever makes you feel better, Julie . . . because in the end, the truth is that I don't give a slinging-shit what you think. And anyone who has half a brain and endeavors to look at the facts you hide will soon not give a slinging-shit either. Here's two quotes for you wrap your narcissistic (look it up!) mind around: "A lie goes half way round the world before the truth can get its pants on" and "Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on." Winston Churchill
Now, I could easily go into a long rant (look it up) about how you have been telling the world I'm stealing, abusive, evil etc. etc. and then point-out how you treated me during our "marriage", that you wouldn't lift a finger to help me, wouldn't work, wouldn't clean, constantly disrespected me in-front of Dillon, lied to me, threatened me, yelled at me when I tried to be nice and then yelled at me when I stopped being nice, said "It would be so much easier if CPS just took Dillon away." Oh, are you happy that you got your wish??? Also, that you stole money from Craig, stole patient files, wouldn't come to work, got fired but claimed you quit (btw, did you know that Craig was going to fire you long before he did but I talked him out of it and asked him to give you another chance . . . ??). That you initiated hateful emails to Trish and even though she responded by telling you how beautiful you are and that you have a great son and are a very capable person and that she was not my girlfriend (despite what Matt--your photo meetup pal may have said) . . . You responded back by telling her she was ugly, a bad mother, and worthless ("trash"). Proverbs 17:13 "He who repays evil for good, Evil will not depart from his house." That's exactly what you did. Oh, dang! I guess I did go on a rant . . . Well, I guess people with Borderline Personality Disorder are not the only ones who can go on a rant . . .
Julie, I know NONE of what I'm saying will register with you . . . I don't care. For once, this is not about you--it's about me and making me feel better. And I do. Every single time I look down at my phone and realize I don't have anyone bothering me, when I come home to a clean, quiet, drama-free home, when I go to work without fear of coming home, when I do get a phone call--its someone who is pleasant to talk to, when I lay in bed--I actually sleep!!! When I go run 15 or 20 miles my head is clear and not trying to unwind the tangles you have made, and when I walk in the door and my mountain of a mastiff running up to me is the only scary thing I have to deal with. I cherish every moment of peaceful silence. My friends, my family, my church and my Moses are my world . . . . . So, stop showing up in my email (or anywhere else for that matter) selling Crazy, I bought a lifetime supply of it while I was married to you!


Also, when you publicly slander someone and then write them a letter . . . don't sign it "Blessings"--that's the definition of hypocrisy

Resting,
Jimmy

PS A little birdie just told me: He (or she) who feeds twittering birdies bad food, gets pooped-on.

May the Ice of Bitterness Break

I am at complete peace with everything. Usually you can converse easily with people when you don't have any resentment, or bitterness towards others, and although I feel like a have a incredibly good enough reason to have that resentment and bitterness towards my ex, I am a very forgiving person, and I don't.

So the other day, as I go to this new restaurant I've never been to, I find that they have the best bread pudding in the area. I know it was my ex's favorite, so being nice, I thought I'd send him an e-mail letting him know about it. Normal nice thing to do right? Of course. (And I'm still trying to understand it from his view, but I still don't understand such hatred... but the only thing I can think of is that he might have assumed that I want to still work things out. Haha. I got news. There is no way in this world would I ever put my son's life in harm again!, I just thought he'd be able to take his gf that he had an affair on me with... no big deal. It actually makes me happy that he is consumed with things to keep him busy. Lord bless him.)

So my email went like this:

http://www.chefpointcafe.org/
Thought you may want to check this out. Voted the best bread pudding in FW. A 5* resaurant in a gas station. Was on Good Morning America.

Blessings
Julie


And this is what I get back:

I blocked you a long time ago--I don't wish to have ANY contact with you nor do I wish to know whats going on with you--I'm not sure how this email got passed my "block". Be assured, I will re-block you asap because I know you would never respect my request for zero contact, you never have.
Jimmy


Well for his dad being the president of the Cleansing Stream, they teach about words and such, I just don't see how it passed down in generations. It sucks, but hopefully he'll get over whatever bitterness and hatred he carried to be a better man.
Well I had company over, my Roomate and her Firefighter friend, which knows Jimmy, while I was sitting on the couch with my phone catching up on all my e-mails, when I had come across his. Honestly, the e-mail made me fee a little sour, but to express what I felt, I read it to them.
So the firefighter laughed, and said "He stooped that low over bread pudding!?"

I do find it quite amusing. And although I want nothing to do with him on "that level" it still hurts to see him become the man he has become. I wish the best for him. In a bitterLESS way.

You can't just listen for God... Watch for God =)

He's always giving you a reason to smile.

Dave Ramsey's FPU

Everything that I have done in my life, is from trial and error. My parents didn't teach me things I wish I would have been taught. Simple things like "Do you're homework" or everyday circumstances we all come across.

Although I can easily sit back and think... I wish I had those type of parents that were there, I more than less take it as a blessing.

Everything I've learned in my life was by my own trial and error. Such as finding the person to spend the rest of my life with. How I find out that his intentions to marry were to have sex, and at the time... "I was deceived into this so called thing, called love." Again, trial and error.

Funds, I've not always been the best to "budget". I've only had ONE credit card in my life, which I am totally thankful for. It was paid off and closed when I turned 23. My car is not what I "want" to drive, but it works and it's been paid off for years now. I'm the only owner and have had it for going on 10 years. lol My insurance, I changed to liability which only costs me less than $40 a month. House, paid for. Water, Electric and def. phone are necessities. Do I need Charter internet? No. I can do without. Do I need Starbucks everyday? No.

If I stopped getting my "Strawberries n' Cream w/ Soy and no Whip", here's what I'd save.
Estimate a day: $5.00
Cost Per Month: $150.00
If I invested at 12% from age 16-76... I would pocket a whole $19,371,943! Nice.

So I have taken the initiative to stop my Starbucks habit and put in some hard work each and every day in order to become a millionaire at retirement age.

This is awesome as well...
If you put aside $2k a year from age 19-26 at a 12% interest, by age 65 you (or your kids!) would have $2,288,996. That's ONLY $167 a month!!!
If you're 26+, that doesn't mean it's over for you. I'm 27! It's better late then never! =)

So, I've only been to 1 class out of 13 so far. I love my class-mates already with all my heart. I couldn't ask for a better family.

DivorceCare just ended another 13 weeks, and after 2 sessions... I believe I'm ready to move on to what God has for me next. I believe I know what I am doing... but I'm not announcing it... yet. =)

Much Much Love! From me... to you.
Even those who have been so very much cruel to me. You know who you are (because you read this). I have enough love for you too.

Blessings.

If you're happy and you know it... clap your hands!

*CLAP*CLAP*

Everyday I wake up and think... how could today possibly be better then yesterday? God seems to prove me wrong each and every day! lol. I hear you God.

I can't recall a time I've been any happier!

Things were tough growing up.... How Dillon was concieved. It took some time to build that relationship. It honestly took too long, but I can't be any more grateful than I am now for him. How I always had put the "man in my life" before him and even God. We all make poor choices. I sure have made them! Too many to count! lol.

Things are a bit different in my life now. Things have never been better, and honesty... I don't ever want them to change. I make my own decisions, and I do them quite well. As for before, I was never in control of any decision making. From, planning daily activities to even things that I feel so ashamed about that I was forced to do! On the flip side... I don't live 2 seperate lives... I'm real... I'm me... I love God... I love life... I love being a mom to the most amazing boy... and I love being single!

By all honesty... I previously wanted to have another child. But by having gone through what I went through... not only do I not trust men, but most importantly... I couldn't imagine taking any time away from Dillon. He is at the age where he can do just about anything. He's pretty much old enough, he's tall enough, he's everything really. I want him to expand his creativeness, and find who he is. Of course guidelines, boundries, rules, regulations and consistency will never part from my daily routine of motherhood... ...I don't have the desire, or even could imagine myself "getting involved" once again and starting a family after everything I went through.
It honestly kind of makes me feel nausiated.

In time, the trust will strengthen... but it still probably won't change my view. I don't know. Only God does.

Monday, Dillon and I hung out for a few hours at the park. Playing with nerf guns, and skate boarding on his RipStick. I asked him a few questions...

1) Would you like to go deep sea fishing and catch a shark?
Of course his response was "yes, but I don't want to catch a shark, I want to watch the fish with the pointy thing on his nose." Swordfish.
Honestly, I don't see how that's not anymore scary then a shark. haha.

2) On our next plane ride out, where would you want to go?
I was thinking he would say Snow Boarding, but he didn't.
Instead he said he wanted to go to California.
I assumed/thought he would want to go surfing.
He said "I want to go visit Grandma and Grandpa".
So what do I say?
Nothing... I don't know how to respond to it!
So I quickly get off the subject.

Instead of dodging the subject... how do you respond to this incredibly loving little boy with an explanation, or do you not at all? I don't like to hide things, yet I don't want to dissapoint him anymore then he already has been.

People can tell you they love you... but by their reactions and bitter words like "I wash my hands of you"... it doesn't really show love honestly.

So as I sit back in my chair now, with a smile on my face, and goosebumps on my arms... from the beginning of time I picture God creating this world... with love, because He is love, and He sent His own son to prove of that love.
It doesn't matter if peoples love fails.

God identifies love. Love identifies God. It's so amazing how one can be so perfect.

It's a perect love. And I believe that's why I am so happy being alone. Because I have perfect company. A friend that would never fail me. True love. Everlasting love. Pure love. It's more then I could ever ask for.

People are people. They're liable to let you down. But there's One I can say would never let you down. It's not at all possible. His love for you is bigger then you could ever imagine. It's indescribable.

So there are many things in my life that were definately unexpected. lol. But I am so thankful it has brought me here. For the first time in my entire life... I completely control me. I know I've said that time and time again... but I can't even put into words how FREE I feel!

I want to clap my hands a million more times!!!

I beat him up... with my makeup.

If you have a need for a makeup artist for film, commercial, photo shoots, performances or just because, contact master makeup artist Jules at 817-808-8808 for private consultation.

identification please

So today, I got a phone call from my caseworker during my counseling session. So, yes it cut into my time with her, but I had to answer it because every 10 times I call my worker, I get one call back.

Things are looking up tremendously! They're starting to see the truth behind what all happened. Dillon is moving closer, specifically so we can take classes together, which will be 6 weeks long, then he should be coming home soon after. But before that, they plan on having him start staying the weekend! I am so excited!

This has been an incredibly hard process, especially when not only everything happens at one time, but the effect of me having to deal with all of this that was brought about by someone else.

One thing I told my counselor today is how disgusted I am with that situation. How if I could go back in time, I would have stopped it! How standing outside of his door listening to the paddle hit him and his scream and cries were so horrifying, it hurt me just as bad! How the excessive discipline of push-ups, jumping jacks, wall-sits just killed me that I couldn't be in the room with them! But I realized just why I didn't do anything about it.

First, my husband was the head of the household. Secondly, most important... I grew up in a broken family. My parents weren't there. I had to be an adult at an elementary school age. And he grew up in the perfect christian family. His dad being a pastor, and a president of this world wide ministry. Just listening to stories of how he was raised, gave me the impression that he knew what he was doing.

After the divorce was issued, a different side came from his entire family. Come to find later, the intelligent minded man behind all the drama was the man I previously trusted with my life. I found that there were text messages that were forwarded to his family, that bad words had been added to them to make me look bad. It doesn't surprise me, now that everything is final, I see completely. I found out later that my e-mails/facebook & myspace had been hacked and messages were written from my accounts. If it wasn't for a specific person at church to bring it to my attention, I would have never known about it.

Back to the counseling thing. First off, I love that it's over, and I can focus 100% on more important things in my life. But as for how I feel now... I am so content with being single. Maybe it's because of how wrong I was done. Or how I never thought it was possible for someone to go so far to hurt someone that they could make themselves look like the victim. My counselor told me today that it's obvious that he is his own victim. So the recovery process is going quite well, and although I have no intentions on settling down any time in the near future, all I want it to spend several straight years with just Dillon alone.

It's like when you go to your favorite restaurant, you order your favorite dish... and one day unexpectedly, once in a lifetime, out of no where, you get food poisoning. And when you do, you never ever crave that dish again, or even want to go back to the same restaurant. That's how I feel about men right now. The food may look, and taste great,... but you don't realize how bad it is until the damage is already done.

You can only suffer so much before you get deathly sick, and you can only get burnt so bad before you're unrecognizable.

I'm a very strong girl. I'm happy that I'm the kind of girl, that doesn't have to have a man to identify me. I identify myself.

"Fighter" Lyrics by Christina Aguilera

Vegan BLT

This simple sandwich happens to turn out to be my all time favorite meal! Here's how I make it:

What you will need:


2 slices of Ezekiel bread (toasted)
2 tbsp. Organic Veganaise
"Frontier" brand "Bac'uns", Vegetarian Bits (use less than shown in picture)
2 large yet thin slices of Organic Tomatoes
Small handful of Organic Romain Lettuce
Prep:

Spread 1 tbsp. of Veganaise on inside of both slices of Ezekiel Bread. Sprinkle "Bac'uns" on both sides, so the Bits will stick.

Put Lettuce on one, Tomatoes on the other. Make sure you turn over the one with Tomatoes, onto the one with Lettuce. The bits stay in place better between the Veganaise and Tomatoes.

It's as simple as 1-2-3! Enjoy!!!

As Girl As Girly Can Get

It can be stressful being a girl and all. Well, for those who spend the time on themselves to be "girly". It's time consuming, costly and downright painful sometimes. Haha.

I'm 100% girlified. I LOVE to get all dolled up. Wear the cutest of the cutest outfits. Yes, I even have to look great at the gym, according to my career description, clients are lurking everywhere! I love what I do. It's so me! I'm one of those who take the time to look good, but was blessed naturally. I'd rather be fat and lose weight, then to be skinny and ugly, that surgery can't even fix.

If you're a guy, and asking yourself, "Do pretty girls get dirty?". I can answer that for you. Yes. In several different ways. I don't mind a solid day of yard work. I enjoy it actually. Sports, fishing, etc.

Although I LOVE my heels!!!Especially stilettos, I like my tennis too. But only @ the gym, and other sports related activities. The closest I can get to barefoot is with flip-flops. I have the most well pedicured tootsies that need to be protected. =)

I am really enjoying the single life. I've always been a part of someone elses that I find it incredibly enjoyable to be me, myself and I. Totally independent, and girly! lol.

There are some priorities of course we all have to focus on. God, Children, bills. The list goes on. But it's really nice doing them all on my own. I find it quite peaceful and enjoyable to be the only one in control of my life. =)

There might be a time when God decides to make me share my life with someone. But that will be when my son is... retired!, and he will be old and wise enough to give them 1,000+1 interviews! lol. I am complete now with what I have. I'm at peace. I love life.

So for now, as I focus on my increasing business "GlamorousInk.com" and finally getting my name into the Film Industry as a Master Makeup Artist. Seeing my hopes and dreams come to reality and most importantly, volunteering for ministries. I love it, and I love beinging others happiness. And soon to have my most important main man by my side. Dillon. My 8yr old. And me by his. I can't wait to see his hopes and dreams come to reality. This boy deserves it! He's a little comedian/athlete/dancer/actor/singer/gamer/reader... he's just incredible! Hint Hint Linda McAlister.

He definitely is far from the category I originally stated in my header, but my heart for him is a as girly and mushy as anyone could ever get!

So as I sip my new favorite drink from Starbucks, "Strawberries N Cream w/ soy and no whip", I find the color of my drink to be a bit comforting... yet girly at the same time.

I'm as girly, as girly can get.

Half a Glass...

...and I was toast! lol

The New Miss Highland

I am free! I am sooooo HAPPY!!!

The divorce finalized today!

I'm popping open a bottle of wine! And I'm not a drinker, but I am celebrating tonight!

Gifted

As you know... you got an invitation through e-mail to view my blog. Congratulations on being one of the closest friends of mine.

Please understand that this is a HUGE thing for me that I would invite you to view my private blog. As you know, I could have completely lost faith and trust in everything with what all has happened to me. I needed you more then then ever, and I need you more now then ever. This is the truth.

An incredibly amount of pain arrived in my life on Thurs. Feb. 26th of 2009, at precisely 3 o'clock pm. The pain is pretty much over, but the trust issue remains.

How can you trust anyone again after being abandoned by the person that was your entire world? How can you love anyone again after the love of your life has an affair? How is it possible to bring back that child-like girl again?

I know it will take some time. And the people that I am around... are the people I feel like I can trust.

I invited you for a reason:

Beth: You have been an incredible support system! Oh my word, are you the strongest woman I know! Thank you so much for being my friend, and my roomate.

Cinty: You are such a sweet, mellow, sincere, genuine young woman! I love you to death! You planned my wedding. Now you hold me in your arms as it melts away. I love you and you will always be my bestie.

Heidi: We have so much in common, it's almost scary. You have lifted me as I have you during trials. I thank you for your friendship. And I am blessed to know such a wonderful successful woman. I'll see you in Cali soon.

Ron Taylor: Thank you for all the support. Prayers each and every morning. Praying with me on the phone. Those many Starbucks afternoons. And having fun back stage during the concerts. It sure has been a blast!

Austin: I've come to know much more of you. You're caring, and I trust you. I'm sorry that I'm not at the point where you would like me to be, but waiting is a precious beauty. And I pray you find it in your heart that by me focusing on me... is not because you don't mean anything. You do. Just give me time. It's going to take awhile.

Kelly: You are such a dear and kind friend. Always there when I need you. Especially for texting. lol. Love you KellBell


I believe I've come along way. And I am ready for the next step in my life.
On Tuesday, July 28th of 2009 will be a definate closing time. I'm actually painfully looking forward to it. No one ever thought this might happen. It was a surprise to me. But I wish the best for him. And I definately know that God has bigger and better plans waiting for me.

I am gifted.

Vegan Chicken Panini

Oh me, oh my! I threw this together last night and it was absolutely delish!

What you'll need:

"Ezekiel" brand hamburger buns
"Quorn" brand meatless chicken breast
Organic Lettuce
Organic Sliced Sundried Tomatoes
1/4 red pepper, sliced
Avacado
Organic Lime Juice
Lemon Pepper
Slice of Dairy Free Cheddar Cheese
Dairy Free Ranch dressing- read bottom of this blog for recipe


1) Seed the Avacado, mash in small bowl, add 2 tbsp Lime Juice, and 1 tbsp of Lemon Pepper. Mix. Set aside.
2) Grill/Bake chicken breast. Lay your cheese on chicken breast to melt, then set chicken breast on bun.
3) Spread Avacado mix on the top bun.
4) Add condiments, and whatever else you might feel in the mood for:
Lettuce, Sundried Tomatoes, Red pepper, and top with Ranch dressing. Grill your little sandwhich in your Panini maker. Enjoy!

Oh my! I know it sounds weird, but it is sooooooooo good and HEALTHY!!!





For Dairy Free Ranch Dressing:
Ingredients
1 cup Veganaise
1 1/2 teaspoons lemon juice
7 1/2 tablespoons soymilk
1/2 teaspoon dried chives
1/2 teaspoon dried parsley
1/2 teaspoon dried dill weed
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon onion powder
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper
Directions
1) Mix lemon juice and soy milk and let sit for 10 minutes. (An easier way to think about the measurement is to pour 1 1/2 tsp lemon juice into a measuring cup and add soy milk until it reaches 1/2 cup.)
2) In a large bowl, whisk together the Veganaise, lemon juice and soy milk mixture, chives, parsley, dill, garlic powder, onion powder, salt and pepper.
3) Cover and refrigerate for 30 minutes before serving.

He is I am

Sometimes we wont see His promise fulfilled, sometimes even years later, but during that time of waiting, we're tested on our patience, faithfulness and love.

A Luke-warm Christian is his own god, and has his own rules. Can really manipulate one into thinking he is something when he is not.
Rev 3:16

People can fight you with their words, by their actions, rebellion, bitterness, hatred, argument and selfishness.
Ephesians 4:31-32

The way I fight back is with prayer, faith, hope, intergrity, love, commitment and honor.
Luke 6:35-38

One thing I know for sure... God is on my side!

1 John 5: 15-15

God, I don't know the promises You hold for me in the future, all I know is that I trust in You. There have been many times, when I thought things were "right" and they turned out to be so very "wrong." Lord, this life, my life, in Your hands was saved. Saved from MANY things! I am thankful. I am blessed, and there is no "other god" blocking my view from You. I'm all yours.
Maybe I'm starting to see your promises after all =)
Thank you
In Christ' name

Celebrate Freedom '09

Celebrate Freedom has NEVER been so hot! 105* scorching sun, but I hung out with Jeremy camp, Mark Schultz, The Afters and KLTY crew instead. Robin, where were you? I saw Ron, but couldn't find you!

Lifelong, Significant or Friend.

"FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER"
..:: Golden rules for finding your life partner ::..
by Dov Heller, M.A.

A relationships coach who lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake.

Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the .1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.

Though this may sound "not politically correct," there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love isthe result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone." You need a lot more!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION .1:
Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone.What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50..f the people out there aregrowing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.


QUESTION .2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person.The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.


QUESTION .3:
Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is notsomeone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.



Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.


QUESTION .4:
How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask:


Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following:

How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.?

How do they treat their parents and siblings?

Do they have gratitude and appreciation?

If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them?

You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.







QUESTION .5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.






In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart.

It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.


Another perspective...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention.

Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.







An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."







Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?

What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring pastrelationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter them.

You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life" you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

A Mothers Love

I love this picture
*Taken 6/22/09