Sweet Dreams

A, NM

Dear Beautiful Daughter of God,

There might just be a reason why you frequently visit my page. I've had other girls do the same who were involved with his mess. One of them came to the realization that everything on his part was invalid. His exterior is beautiful huh? His words can really make you want to enjoy the ride with him. He seduces you with his words. He makes the blood flow through your body, just as he knows to do. He's good at it. I know. And you being a girl, wants to fill this gorgeous mans every wish and fantasy.

I know more about you then you may think. I know the moment that when he left to fly to you, he met a flight attendant. When he flew back, he went back to Christy. Cheated on you, and ended it with you, then welcomed the flight attendant to his beautiful little 2 story in Arlington. He never said anything bad about you. I've seen pictures of you. You are beautiful, and intelligent. I guess that's why you're coming here, because you only know 1 story. I'm sure he called you, just as he did Christy the day our divorce was finalized, but was incredibly upset because he then learned she was happily married. I'm sure terrible things were said. I only know this because the last person who was involved with him, spoke some really harsh words towards me through messages because of him. I never once responded. Then when she figured him out, she came to me and asked me to forgive her. She realized the truth, it matched exactly to the words I've spoken and will always be the same story, because it's not just a story, it was reality.

Girl, don't waste your time. Actually, it's not for me to say. You do what you wanna do. I'm just praying you don't get as hurt and torn apart as I did.

I guess I didn't even have to write anything. You are visiting my blog because in your heart, you've already seen the a red flag or two.

Good Luck.

Reflecting Back On 2009

Although I pretty much have everything written in this blog of mine, I did this last year when I started my blog, so thought I might make it a simple tradition.

January: Honestly, I think I'm forcing myself to forget about anything in between Oct 2007-Feb 2009. I don't remember this month. Must not have been anything important enough to remember.

February: The month my husband up and left and blamed it on me. The most betrayal I've ever felt from anyone was from him and his family. They're experts at "words".

March: My birthday month. I lost 40 lbs this month.

April: Alot of pain. Just focused on making it through school and nothing is going to stop me this time.

May: Quit the job at the chiropractors office. Didn't want to chance running into the ex. On top of that, he showed up to MY gym with his girlfriend.

June: Graduated school. This chapter has now closed, now I'm just waiting for the the book to close.

July: Lots of court stuff. Really getting involved in the church. Studying for State Board Exam.

August: I honestly can't remember when the divorce was finalized. I try to forget. But I think it was this month.

September: Just another one of those months I look forward to getting through fast.

October: I find out Jimmy was on a dating website before he had left and filed for divorce. Props to him I guess. Someone can have him. Seriously.

November: I realize this month that is wasn't Jimmy who divorced me... that is was God SAVING me!!! And this month, my amazing little boy came home. Jerod joined us for the first time running Fort Worth's Turkey Trot, which is the same day I unexpectedly met Trish.

December: This month is a great one. Although we didn't really have funds to do much Christmas shopping, for the first time Dillon and I got to sit down and do a reenactment together. It was fun. Jerod joined us for the Fort Worth Jingle Bell Run. Dillon asked him if he was ever going to spank him. He said no. You should have seen the glow on that boys face. Things are bright now. Not dark like before. I'm so happy to be free from so many lies and that God placed me in areas where I never imagined it could be so beautiful. Be faithful, and God will bless you. ;)

Jerod asked Dillon permission if he could ask me to be his girlfriend. I thought that was adorable. So it's completely weird to say... I now have a boyfriend. lol

2010 is a few days away. I couldn't be more excited to bring in the New Year. I might just accept the kiss request. =)

childlike = youthful

Not sure what the deal is...
...but I'm liking it!

I've been told the other day that I look like I'm 20 years old. The day after that, 21, lol and the one that told me today was debating on 21 or 22, and said no more than 22, and would definitely card me.

I couldn't tell you exactly why that is, but if I were to guess it would be because of the complete joy I have within my heart. When you completely surrender your life to God, not worrying about what anyone else thinks, and believes that this unknown figure is your true father who brought you breath, and within taking that breath you feel the joy of being youthful.

Having that childlike faith again, and knowing there is something so much more beautiful beyond any of our imaginations is more beautiful then any rose, then any skyline, or even the amazing innocence of a beautiful baby that puts a smile on all faces.

So try not to let things get to you... too much. I know what pain feels like, but you need to handle it and not dwell on it. Embrace it, because within that pain... it's bringing you closer to the only thing in the world that truly makes you whole.

Maybe I'm so used to pain... or maybe I'm scared to let it go. But all I know is that I'm filled with a joy that no one can take away.



Sometimes it's all you need.

Last thing to be expected!!!

Whyyyyyy???

Okay, so I am so incredibly on fire right now! Happier then I have ever been in my life! I'm starting to see God's plan... but sometimes He throws me right off track! Well, at least in my point of view.

I have been establishing myself, on my own, and have been very happy with results. It's been hard. It took me awhile to complete all my testing to become an official licensed esthetician because each test was around $100. But I finally did it, and doing what I've been wanting to do my entire life.

This is the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE where I have felt complete... alone!

So WHYYYYYY???

I'm not exactly sure how things happened. Or how things evolved. I've kept myself from opening up to people because my lack of trust. And I had no desire to approach to even talk to the opposite sex.

I still have these boundaries in my heart. It will have to be earned this time around. Kinda sucks how one bad guy can ruin it for the good guys out there. But I actually feel good about it because I am in control of me, my feelings, my worth. I know how valuable I am. And if there were something that I learned in past experiences... is to have a head on my shoulder of my own!

I can easily, without a doubt survive without a man.

So WHYYYYYY???

My divorce is coming up to a year already. I can't believe it. It doesn't seem that long ago. But throughout that entire time, I have been obedient through it all.

In the back of my head, I feel like it's too soon. But then again, my main focus is friendship. And building off of that. Why rush when things are so amazingly awesome as they are now?!

So if you hadn't figured it out. I've opened myself up to trust a particular individual. What is really neat about this is that I don't really have to do all the dirty work. lol. He's part of my Church Family, very open with life, involved, and everyone and their mom knows him it seems like. Just listening to people and what they say about him, puts a smile on my face.


One thing that I'm trying to stay focused on is the pain I went through. Although I don't want this guy to think I am still "there" because I am not... I have been able to help so many more people with the experiences I've encountered. So I kind of don't want to let them go (the thoughts that is). Plus, I want to write a book one day and emotionally be involved with every word.

Dear God,
Only you know me inside and out. Please keep my heart tight next to yours. I think after 27 years, I'd like to finally have some consistency in my life. Please show me what that feels like.
I love you

So Why? I'm not going to question. I'm enjoying what you're doing in my life =)

Dear Jesus,

You're birthday is coming up, and I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to celebrate it. To know you, and know you live amongst us. You make my world such a beautiful place.

I'm far from perfect as you know, but I want to thank you for coming here, to the soil I stand on now and giving your entire life to show us truth, and for your work here. I only know what I read, but what I feel is a love like no other. Thank you for bringing that joy inside this heart of mine. That love is undying and I can only pray we can become more like you.

To just simply write you a letter is hard, because these words mean nothing compared to how I feel. My heart belongs to you. I'm happy that you have revealed yourself to me, and that you've allowed my heart to welcome you.

I can't wait to see you one day and give you the best hug I could possibly ever imagine! Until then, Happy Birthday my Savior.

I love you.
Julie

Care less for anything more

I went to lunch with a friend from church yesterday, our topic... "dating".

She asks me why and how do I get approached so often. And I explained...

I used to be needy, and when you're needy is when you get the WRONG guy! Those guys abuse women. Take advantage of, lie about, get what they want out of it, but really manipulative into making you think that all your dreams are coming true, then leave. And come to find out why they do such things is because they aren't in control of their own lives. So the only way to feel like a "man" is to be able to control the only thing they can possibly control... their wives.

Most girls deny that they are "needy". All women want to feel independent. But if you are SEARCHING for someone, then you are NEEDY! It is the truth. Yes, a majority of us want to be wanted. Want to be held. Want to be loved. Want to be hugged, kissed... and just have that companion. But if you LOOK for it, is when you're being selfish and not letting God do His thing. That's when it begins to crumble.

Oh I've been there! I've laid down some $$$ to find an individual. STUPID decision! I wish I could tell everyone in the entire world... PLEASE be CAREFUL who you get involved with! Some can be SO SLY! Some may seem like the prince charming that they AREN'T. Comfort you by telling you the things that matters most to you, but hide the things that matter most to him.

Most of my friends are older then me... still having dating issues. But I can say, that it's not the age in men. My ex was 7 years older then I. Don't think because he is a pastors son that he will be a "good guy". Or if he works for a very large ministry (such as the person my friend dated). The FIRST thing a guy is going to tell you... is something that is going to make you want to trust him!

DO NOT GO BASED ON HIS FAMILY OR WHAT HE IS INVOLVED WITH!

You have to dig deeper. I've learned how to watch out for the slightest of a red flag. From what their "fantasies" are. To how involved they are. Where their heart is. How far away they live from their parents (there might just be a reason for that). They might seem incredibly close, and maybe the parents have no clue,... but maybe just maybe he is really someone else then what his parents think he is.

There are going to be those days where you feel lonely. That's okay. One thing I can say is... IMMEDIATELY get in the Word! It will feel your every emotion, every desire, your thirst, your hunger! It will fulfill you!

When you come to a point where you're completely content with being on your own. You KNOW you can conquer anything you set your mind to. When you put God first, then focus on you, your temple, everything that matters most, then one day when you're REALLY NOT WANTING ANYTHING AT ALL, people tend to approach you from all angles.

But the best part of this is that you're now in control of your life. Yeah, it's kind of nice to get attention. All girls like attention. But you care less for anything more. You work out daily because you want it. Because it feels good to your soul. You can love everyone, male or female without having any at all thoughts of "POTENTIAL".

That's another problem with single woman. Every guy we meet, it's not just a thought of "friendship"... it's literally "potential". You CANNOT think that way! C A N N O T! It's ooooooookay to be FRIENDS with a guy. Don't think any more then that. And honestly, a guy finds that as being a "challenge". If that's the case, a chase is NOT what you want. Tellem' to get lost. lol But in a nicer way.

If you're like me, we don't like to hurt a guys feelings. But look... they aren't opposed to hurting us! They care less. (I'm not saying all guys are like that, but all the guys IVE dealt with are). But honestly, guys are more brutally honest about their feelings then girls. If he's not "the" guy, then IT'S OKAY to tell him honestly how you feel! "Hey, I don't want to waste your time, but I'm not the girl for you" (trying to play it out in a nice way), then they may try and make you feel good by saying something like "You are more then what I ever could have imagined",... so then naturally as a stupid girl, we fall for the crap. Excuse my language.

That was a red flag us girls NEVER pay attention to! We never seen it!

If you desire to have a good husband one day,... don't cheat yourself. Be honest with yourself and your feelings. Love yourself. If you lack self-respect or self-esteem... you are guaranteed to be walked all over.

Be filled! Let your cup overflow! Be happy with who you are! Don't let anyone at all tell you that you are unworthy! You ARE WORTHY! Why do you think God put you here! You are so much more valuable then you know! And when you find that... (not pridefully) but when you are capable of knowing this, and bowing down to the one who brought you there... then you just know... that by His works, in HIS time, He will give you your hearts desires! Trust Him. Let Him be the center of your life! LET NO ONE COME BEFORE HIM!

I can only say this, because I've done this.
Love what you have. Isn't that enough?