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The World That Lost A Girl
Monday, May 16, 2011
For some reason I just can't shake it. It doesn't matter what I do, or how busy I keep myself... the lack of trust from all individuals still resides deep deep within my heart. I've been abandoned more than once. More than twice. More than three times. I have been hurt with words. Hurt with actions. And pushed away by many from the sources of each story.
I don't understand, and maybe I will never. But I can't grasp how this one girl who loves the world so much, can be made out to be all these different things and so much more!
All I needed was family. All I needed were friends. All I needed was a life full of people I can love. And that would love me. And this world has failed me. And when I simply grasp on to the very little I find, it bites me so hard it's unreal. Every. Single. Time.
Over this past year has been hard. A lot harder then most people know. Since I can't express myself to a soul 'cause I feel like my life just gets twisted to the point where I suffocate. I feel like my "all" which I've never given up, is slowly slipping out of the palm of my hands.
I don't understand how so many people of my past years have thought of all these things that my mind was clearly incapable of producing.
And like a dolphin being thrown into a sea full of angry sharks, I feel like I've just been shredded to pieces and I don't know how to put those pieces back together. No matter how hard I try. No matter how many self help books I read. No matter how many sermons I hear from the comfort of my own home, cause one thing for sure, I'm not comfortable with devoting not even a full 1% of investment into any place where I'll be judged and condemned for things that's not even in my own heart.
I'm so broken. And I have lost the desire to get to know anyone on a personal level anymore. And if you have ever previously known me... this is not the way "Julie" works. Julie is a girl who is so happy go lucky. A girl that nothing can stop her happiness. That is so free from all the worlds imprisonment. A girl that loves at no end!
6 months ago, was that tiny straw that blew in the wind, fell on a camel, and broke its back.
The world is slowly losing this passionate undying loving girl.
I have nothing left to give.
I don't understand, and maybe I will never. But I can't grasp how this one girl who loves the world so much, can be made out to be all these different things and so much more!
All I needed was family. All I needed were friends. All I needed was a life full of people I can love. And that would love me. And this world has failed me. And when I simply grasp on to the very little I find, it bites me so hard it's unreal. Every. Single. Time.
Over this past year has been hard. A lot harder then most people know. Since I can't express myself to a soul 'cause I feel like my life just gets twisted to the point where I suffocate. I feel like my "all" which I've never given up, is slowly slipping out of the palm of my hands.
I don't understand how so many people of my past years have thought of all these things that my mind was clearly incapable of producing.
And like a dolphin being thrown into a sea full of angry sharks, I feel like I've just been shredded to pieces and I don't know how to put those pieces back together. No matter how hard I try. No matter how many self help books I read. No matter how many sermons I hear from the comfort of my own home, cause one thing for sure, I'm not comfortable with devoting not even a full 1% of investment into any place where I'll be judged and condemned for things that's not even in my own heart.
I'm so broken. And I have lost the desire to get to know anyone on a personal level anymore. And if you have ever previously known me... this is not the way "Julie" works. Julie is a girl who is so happy go lucky. A girl that nothing can stop her happiness. That is so free from all the worlds imprisonment. A girl that loves at no end!
6 months ago, was that tiny straw that blew in the wind, fell on a camel, and broke its back.
The world is slowly losing this passionate undying loving girl.
I have nothing left to give.
2011 The Collections Fashion Show benefiting Children's Miracle Network
Monday, May 9, 2011
Energy! That is the best word to describe this Fashion Show! What a blast it was! There are soooooo many more pictures to come, including the other 14 models, but here is a sneak peak... Enjoy.
Dermal Anchor
Saturday, May 7, 2011
In celebration of my one year anniversary since the accident, I couldn't think of anything better then to get a Dermal Anchor Piercing on my C2.
First the artist takes this circular hollow razor and spins it a few times until it cuts through the epidermal layer. Kind of like a whole punch, the center is then removed. I didn't get a very good picture of this, so let's now go to the next step in which the picture did come out more clear...
Dermal... Anchor... Self explanatory. The anchor, as you can see above, is pushed through the hole causing a "pop" noise... for most people anyways. I wasn't privileged enough to hear or feel that.
This is the moment I asked the lady whom was in front of me if the next part hurts worse. She goes on to say, oh yeah... worse then you could imagine, that first part was nothing. Me... ...no happy. She then handed me a mirror as I took a breath before I looked at this "unfinished product"... come to find out she was only joking. It had been completed. That sure wasn't near as bad as I thought it was going to be!
I bled a little. I made sure my diet today didn't consist of any foods that thin my blood, so I believe I did pretty well.
DAY 2:
Last nights sleep was a little awkward only because I was overly cautious about the healing process. I cleaned it first thing this morning, and took pictures just to show you the progress. So far... so good.
(Keep checking in for more day by day updates until it is completely healed)
It's healed!!! It has been 2 months now, and I went back in to get my jewel changed. I thought it looked kinda cool without the jewel. So here is a pic of the hole in my neck. hehe. I'm sure I'll treat myself this Christmas with a real diamond stud. Very excited to be on the search for the perfect one :) For now, I am wearing a diamond flower.
I'm very happy with my dermal <3
Salty Dog Tattoo Shop
2903 West Berry Street
Fort Worth, Tx 76109
(817)921-5830
Artist name: Bear
First the artist takes this circular hollow razor and spins it a few times until it cuts through the epidermal layer. Kind of like a whole punch, the center is then removed. I didn't get a very good picture of this, so let's now go to the next step in which the picture did come out more clear...
Dermal... Anchor... Self explanatory. The anchor, as you can see above, is pushed through the hole causing a "pop" noise... for most people anyways. I wasn't privileged enough to hear or feel that.
This is the moment I asked the lady whom was in front of me if the next part hurts worse. She goes on to say, oh yeah... worse then you could imagine, that first part was nothing. Me... ...no happy. She then handed me a mirror as I took a breath before I looked at this "unfinished product"... come to find out she was only joking. It had been completed. That sure wasn't near as bad as I thought it was going to be!
I bled a little. I made sure my diet today didn't consist of any foods that thin my blood, so I believe I did pretty well.
DAY 2:
Last nights sleep was a little awkward only because I was overly cautious about the healing process. I cleaned it first thing this morning, and took pictures just to show you the progress. So far... so good.
(Keep checking in for more day by day updates until it is completely healed)
It's healed!!! It has been 2 months now, and I went back in to get my jewel changed. I thought it looked kinda cool without the jewel. So here is a pic of the hole in my neck. hehe. I'm sure I'll treat myself this Christmas with a real diamond stud. Very excited to be on the search for the perfect one :) For now, I am wearing a diamond flower.
I'm very happy with my dermal <3
Salty Dog Tattoo Shop
2903 West Berry Street
Fort Worth, Tx 76109
(817)921-5830
Artist name: Bear
365 Days ago today...
Friday, May 6, 2011
May 7, 2010. This would be the first day since the divorce that I attempted to go out.
A friend of mine at the time, Jen, got a babysitter for both of our boys who were about the same age, and headed towards downtown to endulge in some Simply Fondue. The sun just began to go down when we left the house. We were on Jacksboro Hwy headed East, in which turns into Henderson when you cross the bridge.
Right where Henderson and Weatherford meet, Jen throws her right arm in front of me (as mothers do without quick thinking) and yells "They're not stopping!" We were almost out of the intersection. As soon as I looked up I saw I flash of headlights as the car slams my side of the vehicle. We flipped 3 times into oncoming traffic and the white SUV landed upside down. I remember the flipping. It went by so quickly. I mainly remember after the flipping of the vehicle had ended. I was laying in fetal positon in my dress with my left elbow by my head bent to where my left hand was touching my shoulder, and my right arm right next to my head but not bent, straight out. I remember the lack of strength I had, but I didn't hurt. I know I was kneeling on glass, but that didn't seem to hurt so bad. I had so much adrenaline that I'm so surprised I didn't quite feel much pain. But I knew something was wrong just because of the lack of strength I had. I did not move. A bystandard tried pulling on my arm. I couldn't talk very loud because even the movement of my jaw was so weak. (((Please, if you are a bystandard at all... I BEG you not to touch anyone...))) If she would have pulled any harder on me, who knows what more could have been injured. I hear Jen outside of the car screaming my name and crying, just completely in shock she was. I couldn't move not even a finger so I could only imagine what was going through her head.
When the firefighters came in with the jaws of life... they were asking me questions. With my face planted in the ceiling of the car, all I could say is tell Jen to take pictures. Repetitively. She found my phone in the mess and took pictures. EMS put a neck brace on me and gently turned me over and onto the stretcher. I don't remember seeing anything from that point. I just could hear it all. I also remember that in the Ambulance that each time they slowed down and sped up that the skin on the back of my head hurt so bad when it moved back and forth from the pressure of my head on the bed, being taped to the stretcher.
I knew at that moment I must have hit my head pretty hard. During the roll, my seatbelt had come undone and the airbags didn't go off, so I could have only guessed that the hit was harder then I thought. But I don't ever remember blacking out.
Harris Hospital. XRays, MRIs, and CAT Scans were completed by around 4 am, I believe. The Doctor comes in with the results. Not thinking anything but massive bruising or something. I had no clue.
Doctors exact words (as I lay there hoping for the best) All within basically the same tone of voice. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you're going to be okay. The bad news is, you broke your neck." Nonchalantly. I broke down in tears, and at that very moment is when I felt the pain. The pressure on my neck from crying, you'd never think the muscles that you really use on a daily basis!
A lot of people came to visit,... some of which I cannot quite remember, but this is what I do:
Katie & David Roberts
Melinda & Scott Atwood
Kelly and Tommy Broome
Laura Haptonstall & Matt Miller (which are now married)
Conna & Rick Beebe
Buddy & Ruth Calzada
Nate & Lauren Calzada
Joe Walker
I know there were many more, and I am so sorry I cannot finish the list. No excuses, lol, but I was on heavy medications, so I hope you understand. But if you were there, I really would love for you to refresh my memory. And I want to add your name to this list.
I was in and out of sleep but was released on Mothers Day.
From that moment on, it felt like the world spiraled out of control.
And in so many ways, I felt like everything that occurred from that moment forward would only hinder my relationship with God.
It took a long time, a lot of heart ache, a lot of lies, a lot of gossip, a lot of back stabbing, for me to finally say to heck with this, my God is so much more important then $ or status, or deeds.
The one thing I used to say before the accident, and caught myself saying last week:
"I'm just me"
And I am very happy with the way things are right now, minus some minor changes in depleting my friend list a little. But when you have to move of and "cut" ties... it hurts, but someones got to do it!
This life is all about love. And if people are going to be too selfish to love or lack self esteem to think I am "competing", then I'd rather just delete and make it easier on the both of us. Most importantly, that first part.
Here ya go... I am me. I am only in competition with myself. On a daily basis I try to be a better person. I put a lot of work into this girl "Julie". And God is the only one who repeatedly gives me a push with my first breath each and every single morning. And that's what really keeps me going up! I am a helper. And if I could study right now, all day long to help someone in a 5 minutes conversation, 10 years from now, I will do that. It's not to show off. I'm allowed to be proud of the capabilities that God has blessed me with. That my friend.. being Common sense.
I broke my neck in the same spot as Christopher Reeve. But the only difference, is that the break was simply a hairline away from the nerve. Why am I here? I don't have the answer to that, but I do know one thing.... something very very VERY big is in my future. Just wish I could have shared it with all individuals of my past.
You're homework:
...Believe in someone.
A friend of mine at the time, Jen, got a babysitter for both of our boys who were about the same age, and headed towards downtown to endulge in some Simply Fondue. The sun just began to go down when we left the house. We were on Jacksboro Hwy headed East, in which turns into Henderson when you cross the bridge.
Right where Henderson and Weatherford meet, Jen throws her right arm in front of me (as mothers do without quick thinking) and yells "They're not stopping!" We were almost out of the intersection. As soon as I looked up I saw I flash of headlights as the car slams my side of the vehicle. We flipped 3 times into oncoming traffic and the white SUV landed upside down. I remember the flipping. It went by so quickly. I mainly remember after the flipping of the vehicle had ended. I was laying in fetal positon in my dress with my left elbow by my head bent to where my left hand was touching my shoulder, and my right arm right next to my head but not bent, straight out. I remember the lack of strength I had, but I didn't hurt. I know I was kneeling on glass, but that didn't seem to hurt so bad. I had so much adrenaline that I'm so surprised I didn't quite feel much pain. But I knew something was wrong just because of the lack of strength I had. I did not move. A bystandard tried pulling on my arm. I couldn't talk very loud because even the movement of my jaw was so weak. (((Please, if you are a bystandard at all... I BEG you not to touch anyone...))) If she would have pulled any harder on me, who knows what more could have been injured. I hear Jen outside of the car screaming my name and crying, just completely in shock she was. I couldn't move not even a finger so I could only imagine what was going through her head.
When the firefighters came in with the jaws of life... they were asking me questions. With my face planted in the ceiling of the car, all I could say is tell Jen to take pictures. Repetitively. She found my phone in the mess and took pictures. EMS put a neck brace on me and gently turned me over and onto the stretcher. I don't remember seeing anything from that point. I just could hear it all. I also remember that in the Ambulance that each time they slowed down and sped up that the skin on the back of my head hurt so bad when it moved back and forth from the pressure of my head on the bed, being taped to the stretcher.
I knew at that moment I must have hit my head pretty hard. During the roll, my seatbelt had come undone and the airbags didn't go off, so I could have only guessed that the hit was harder then I thought. But I don't ever remember blacking out.
Harris Hospital. XRays, MRIs, and CAT Scans were completed by around 4 am, I believe. The Doctor comes in with the results. Not thinking anything but massive bruising or something. I had no clue.
Doctors exact words (as I lay there hoping for the best) All within basically the same tone of voice. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you're going to be okay. The bad news is, you broke your neck." Nonchalantly. I broke down in tears, and at that very moment is when I felt the pain. The pressure on my neck from crying, you'd never think the muscles that you really use on a daily basis!
A lot of people came to visit,... some of which I cannot quite remember, but this is what I do:
Katie & David Roberts
Melinda & Scott Atwood
Kelly and Tommy Broome
Laura Haptonstall & Matt Miller (which are now married)
Conna & Rick Beebe
Buddy & Ruth Calzada
Nate & Lauren Calzada
Joe Walker
I know there were many more, and I am so sorry I cannot finish the list. No excuses, lol, but I was on heavy medications, so I hope you understand. But if you were there, I really would love for you to refresh my memory. And I want to add your name to this list.
I was in and out of sleep but was released on Mothers Day.
From that moment on, it felt like the world spiraled out of control.
And in so many ways, I felt like everything that occurred from that moment forward would only hinder my relationship with God.
It took a long time, a lot of heart ache, a lot of lies, a lot of gossip, a lot of back stabbing, for me to finally say to heck with this, my God is so much more important then $ or status, or deeds.
The one thing I used to say before the accident, and caught myself saying last week:
"I'm just me"
And I am very happy with the way things are right now, minus some minor changes in depleting my friend list a little. But when you have to move of and "cut" ties... it hurts, but someones got to do it!
This life is all about love. And if people are going to be too selfish to love or lack self esteem to think I am "competing", then I'd rather just delete and make it easier on the both of us. Most importantly, that first part.
Here ya go... I am me. I am only in competition with myself. On a daily basis I try to be a better person. I put a lot of work into this girl "Julie". And God is the only one who repeatedly gives me a push with my first breath each and every single morning. And that's what really keeps me going up! I am a helper. And if I could study right now, all day long to help someone in a 5 minutes conversation, 10 years from now, I will do that. It's not to show off. I'm allowed to be proud of the capabilities that God has blessed me with. That my friend.. being Common sense.
I broke my neck in the same spot as Christopher Reeve. But the only difference, is that the break was simply a hairline away from the nerve. Why am I here? I don't have the answer to that, but I do know one thing.... something very very VERY big is in my future. Just wish I could have shared it with all individuals of my past.
You're homework:
...Believe in someone.
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About Me
- Jules
- This story is about a girl that loves LOVE! Where would we be without it? I love Jesus. I love Dillon. I love dancing. I love the stars. I love singing. I love makeup & stilettos. I love fashion. I love to cook. I love photography. I love cycling, running, swimming, hiking, checking facebook friend status updates, jumping on the trampoline, going to church,I love connecting with other women who have encountered pain as I had, volunteering, watching movies, planting flowers, drawing, sewing, scrapbooking, Versa Spa, Vita-C Serum, Black finger nail polish, perfecting things. I love being totally RaNdOm! TRAVELING!!! I love sinners. I love nonbelievers. Oh the joy it brings inside this heart of mine the reaction they're going to have when they see Jesus face to face! What a party we'll have!
