TOWER

The foundation is strong.

The Walls are built thick, and are built up so high!

I'm on the 100th floor.

I don't want down.

And I'm not letting anyone in.

82

82. The year I was born.
82 more days. Till I delete this blog.

These blogs are reflections of my past, and a deep release of love, happiness, anger and pain.
There are better things in life to live for now. =)

100 days

100 days till we bring in the new year... and I could not be more excited!

I've already put yesterday behind me, now I am more than ready to put 2009 behind me!

Although Christmas '09 will probably be the best Christmas I ever have, I'm looking forward to the promises of tomorrow, 2010.

2009 is the hardest year of my life. From the struggles of things that I was forced to "deal with", many losses, many things stolen from my life both emotionally and material. And though I have to learn to trust once again, I'm not rushing it. Because I know that by not fully trusting, I am in this chapter in my life that I can give fully to God. I'm not blinded. I'm thinking of the one who matters most FIRST. I have nothing holding me back. And I am so in love. And I never want it to end.

I'm ready. Dillon will be coming home in a couple of weeks. Praise the Lord.
I couldn't thank enough the most amazing sister for being there in so many ways, and my beautiful niece for making me smile without her even saying a word.
I have learned so much from Dave Ramseys Financial Peace University! I love it! I have that sense of financial freedom now. My money doesn't control me. I control my money.
I have the most amazing friends in the whole world! I couldn't be more thankful!
I'm learning new things everyday. I'm practicing things everyday.

2009 equaled unexplainable heartache, but then I also found happiness I never thought was possible.



The countdown has begun.

Puddle of Tears

I don't have a puddle of tears because of any sort of connection. The connection clearly has been lost and I have been so happy because I have realized so much!

Why do I let this get to me? I'm not sure. But when you hear so many lies come from someone who you used to love, someone that used to not be the way they are now, it does hurt. I think mainly because I do have a good name for myself. I work hard every day to give 100% love to each person I see or talk to. Explains why I've had such long friendships. I mean, ask my bff Rachelle of 21 years. Ask my bff Stacey of 14 years. Ask my bff Kelly of almost 4 years. The list goes on. I am still friends with my ex bf's. I mean, we don't talk every day. But they are doing well and when we do talk, it's like... "remember this" and we laugh about it. But as for my ex, he is the only person in the world that it's impossible to have a decent normal conversation with without it taken out of context.
Beth, my roomate who knows me quite well was there when I recieved "Trish's" 1st e-mail on myspace. I would honest to God be lying if I said I DID write her. I never once wrote her.
I don't understand why he is so angry. And why he blames me for HIM walking out. I never knew it was going to happen. And the "clues" that he insists he gave are just an excuse. The guilt of what he did to me and my son must be the reason for his anger.

Well, I would love to finish this, but there is a HUGE storm coming in that I can hear. Just heard the TV in the living room go out, so before my computer goes kur-plunk, I'm going to submit this now and possibly... POSSIBLY finish this another time...

...Either way, let's just say for instance that all this mumble-jumble stuff he said were "true". Which not one thing is, but we're not married anymore! What is the sense of even saying anything about anything? There are NO TIES. I'm not controlled by him anymore. We are no longer connected in any way, fashion, form, etc. Seriously, what was the sole reason to bring to the table, even the littlest thing concerning any part of our relationship up? He did force the divorce. Why talk about it unless your under pressure of Heavy Whipped Guilt. The guilt is not mine, Jimmy. I didn't force you to unexpectingly, secretly walk out with everything while I was at school. The only sign I got, were from the neighbors, when she called me and said "Hey, when we told you we were moving, I thought you would have told us too."

For goodness sake! Just say thank you for the "bread pudding" location.

So much for being nice. Here's what my ex just wrote me today:

YOU contacted me!!! I NEVER asked or wanted to hear from you again--so don't act like I'm sending you UNWANTED messages!!! And stop being annoyed at people viewing your PUBLIC blog, thats stupid!--it's your choice to make it PUBLIC!!!
YOU NINCOMPOOP!!! I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!! TRISH IS NOT AND HAS NEVER BEEN MY GIRLFRIEND!!!--she laughs every time you call her that! I don't, because it just shows how disturbed you are!!! You will blame everyone but YOU for me leaving--NEWSFLASH: YOU ARE THE SOLE REASON I HAD TO LEAVE!!! I never cheated on you, I wasn't seeing anyone, I DIDN'T HAVE ANY OTHER MOTIVATION BUT TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR BRAINWASHED CONCENTRATION CAMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! btw, that term (brainwashed concentration camp) was coined by my dad to described YOU! ...

----( Chris Hayward - Cleansing Stream Ministries )----

... Also, I am at a complete loss on the "Mary Kay lady" thing--I haven't spoken to my "other girlfriend" from NM since I first met you!!! If you only knew how stupid you sound every time you talk about me having a "girlfriend"!!! THE THOUGHT OF BEING A "BOYFRIEND" MAKES ME SICK!!! MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS (INCLUDING TRISH) WOULD KILL ME IF I TRIED TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW!!! THAT'S HOW BAD YOU DAMAGED ME!!! I CAN'T EVEN BE A GOOD FRIEND TO ANYBODY RIGHT NOW, LET ALONE A STINKING BOYFRIEND!!! YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE ABOUT ME!!! YOU NEVER HAVE--THAT'S WHY IT CAUGHT YOU SO OFF-GUARD WHEN I LEFT YOU!!! I gave you warning after warning after warning . . . but you never listened . . .
Would you like to hear the truth about me leaving . . . . ? The night you threatened my job was the night I left you. My body may have been at home with you--but that's only because you threatened me . . . I was already gone. My last hope, my last prayer, my last act and feeling of love for you, and my last desire to be with you forever . . . . were forever lost in that moment. You snuffed my fire out.
I don't know if anyone will be able to salvage me again . . . I don't know if I will ever be a good friend again . . . a good "boyfriend" again . . . or even a good husband again. I do know one thing for sure though . . . I will never be any of those things for you.
So, go-ahead and keep telling yourself that I'm "evil" and that I was cheating on you if it makes you feel better about me leaving you. Keep telling other people that I stole from you if it makes you feel better. Keep telling everyone on your blogs, "spaces" and "faces" that I was an evil man who did evil things . . . whatever makes you feel better, Julie . . . because in the end, the truth is that I don't give a slinging-shit what you think. And anyone who has half a brain and endeavors to look at the facts you hide will soon not give a slinging-shit either. Here's two quotes for you wrap your narcissistic (look it up!) mind around: "A lie goes half way round the world before the truth can get its pants on" and "Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on." Winston Churchill
Now, I could easily go into a long rant (look it up) about how you have been telling the world I'm stealing, abusive, evil etc. etc. and then point-out how you treated me during our "marriage", that you wouldn't lift a finger to help me, wouldn't work, wouldn't clean, constantly disrespected me in-front of Dillon, lied to me, threatened me, yelled at me when I tried to be nice and then yelled at me when I stopped being nice, said "It would be so much easier if CPS just took Dillon away." Oh, are you happy that you got your wish??? Also, that you stole money from Craig, stole patient files, wouldn't come to work, got fired but claimed you quit (btw, did you know that Craig was going to fire you long before he did but I talked him out of it and asked him to give you another chance . . . ??). That you initiated hateful emails to Trish and even though she responded by telling you how beautiful you are and that you have a great son and are a very capable person and that she was not my girlfriend (despite what Matt--your photo meetup pal may have said) . . . You responded back by telling her she was ugly, a bad mother, and worthless ("trash"). Proverbs 17:13 "He who repays evil for good, Evil will not depart from his house." That's exactly what you did. Oh, dang! I guess I did go on a rant . . . Well, I guess people with Borderline Personality Disorder are not the only ones who can go on a rant . . .
Julie, I know NONE of what I'm saying will register with you . . . I don't care. For once, this is not about you--it's about me and making me feel better. And I do. Every single time I look down at my phone and realize I don't have anyone bothering me, when I come home to a clean, quiet, drama-free home, when I go to work without fear of coming home, when I do get a phone call--its someone who is pleasant to talk to, when I lay in bed--I actually sleep!!! When I go run 15 or 20 miles my head is clear and not trying to unwind the tangles you have made, and when I walk in the door and my mountain of a mastiff running up to me is the only scary thing I have to deal with. I cherish every moment of peaceful silence. My friends, my family, my church and my Moses are my world . . . . . So, stop showing up in my email (or anywhere else for that matter) selling Crazy, I bought a lifetime supply of it while I was married to you!


Also, when you publicly slander someone and then write them a letter . . . don't sign it "Blessings"--that's the definition of hypocrisy

Resting,
Jimmy

PS A little birdie just told me: He (or she) who feeds twittering birdies bad food, gets pooped-on.

May the Ice of Bitterness Break

I am at complete peace with everything. Usually you can converse easily with people when you don't have any resentment, or bitterness towards others, and although I feel like a have a incredibly good enough reason to have that resentment and bitterness towards my ex, I am a very forgiving person, and I don't.

So the other day, as I go to this new restaurant I've never been to, I find that they have the best bread pudding in the area. I know it was my ex's favorite, so being nice, I thought I'd send him an e-mail letting him know about it. Normal nice thing to do right? Of course. (And I'm still trying to understand it from his view, but I still don't understand such hatred... but the only thing I can think of is that he might have assumed that I want to still work things out. Haha. I got news. There is no way in this world would I ever put my son's life in harm again!, I just thought he'd be able to take his gf that he had an affair on me with... no big deal. It actually makes me happy that he is consumed with things to keep him busy. Lord bless him.)

So my email went like this:

http://www.chefpointcafe.org/
Thought you may want to check this out. Voted the best bread pudding in FW. A 5* resaurant in a gas station. Was on Good Morning America.

Blessings
Julie


And this is what I get back:

I blocked you a long time ago--I don't wish to have ANY contact with you nor do I wish to know whats going on with you--I'm not sure how this email got passed my "block". Be assured, I will re-block you asap because I know you would never respect my request for zero contact, you never have.
Jimmy


Well for his dad being the president of the Cleansing Stream, they teach about words and such, I just don't see how it passed down in generations. It sucks, but hopefully he'll get over whatever bitterness and hatred he carried to be a better man.
Well I had company over, my Roomate and her Firefighter friend, which knows Jimmy, while I was sitting on the couch with my phone catching up on all my e-mails, when I had come across his. Honestly, the e-mail made me fee a little sour, but to express what I felt, I read it to them.
So the firefighter laughed, and said "He stooped that low over bread pudding!?"

I do find it quite amusing. And although I want nothing to do with him on "that level" it still hurts to see him become the man he has become. I wish the best for him. In a bitterLESS way.

You can't just listen for God... Watch for God =)

He's always giving you a reason to smile.