And so it happens...

After 3 years of not allowing anyone into my heart... someone comes along and tears down the walls in which another man has built around my heart! Someone who doesn't present his title as a "man",... but a "gentleman" that is about more then I could even ask for. My past, I never dated a REAL "man". Not one who sticks by their word. Not one who is trust worthy. Not one who I would trust with my life. Because honestly... they/he didn't have a heart. Not a real one. Not one of those loving ones. And I was hoping in this life to get as close to unconditional as they get. I know with certainty, God has blessed me with that. And the reason why I know.. is because... there are absolutely no comparable words. Words can't even begin to compare or describe. God had his hand in the middle of this from the beginning.
I remember after my divorce, talking to one of the ladies in my divorce care program at church. I remember the exact details of telling her how there is someone out there who wants love and who wants to give love. REAL love! And I just KNEW whoever he was, was going through the same pains as I was going through. I remember praying for not only my own personal circumstances, but also this unknown man. And though I look back and realize I had not a clue as to what I was praying for... I do now. Because this one... was who he was talking about. And he found me! We both grieved of our relationships at the same time. So much pain. Put somehow, our prayers were for one another.
No one of my past was worth my undying love. It's for me to give it to someone who is worth it. My heart is now taken.






This song makes me thing of what I went through in my marriage,... and how my life turned out to be <3

So so very thankful. And blessed beyond measure.



Dear Lucky,
I'm so excited about our future!!! =)

"Natural" Light bulbs

Okay,... so this has bothered me for quite some time. lol. It is silly really, but I have lived with these things for over 3 years and they NOT DYING!!!

So I have these "natural" light bulbs throughout the house that look as far from "natural" as you can possibly get! They make the rooms feel cold, and look blue and it feels like you're sick and ready to puke.

Sooooo... though they may have saved a little energy in the electricity, there are SO many cons about them, plus, they're the ugliest bulbs if you're able to see them.

So for this Christmas, I am taking allllllllll of them down WOOOHOOOO, and replacing them with the old school, subtle, gentle, and romantic feeling bulb.

Cause honestly... romance is in the air <3


BULBS FOR SALE! lol (There's a whole lot!)

Who woulda known.
That The One isn't the one to break my heart.

Homecoming 2011

Dillon had his first date. We made a mum for Kristen and picked her up for the game. She is huge into football which was kinda cool to watch them!

Vegan Bean Salad

I loved this!!! I threw it together and it came out so tasty!!!

Here's how to prepare your Bean Salad:

1 can Organic Black Beans
1 can Organic Garbonzo Beans
1 can Organic Corn
1 whole Jicama, cubed
1/2 Organic Bell Pepper, chopped
1/2 Organic Purple onion, diced
3/4 cup Organic Cilantro, chopped
2 Organic Limes, squeezed
Organic White Pepper to taste

Organic Avocado
Organic Black Pepper

Tomato

Fresh is Best!

My Personality Test: Agreeableness

I took me almost 2 hours to complete this test, and $80 later.... I divided them up so it wouldn't seem like one large overwhelming post. Enjoy the best & worst sides of me! I couldn't agree more with the accuracy of this, good & bad. Black & White, Hot & Cold, Yes or No. That is me. Very, very, obvious!!! So quit analyzin'.




You Are Best Described As:
CONSISTENTLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS


Words That Describe You:
Sympathetic
Trusting
Altruistic
Selfless
Tenderhearted
Compassionate
Straightforward
Deferential
Generous

A General Description of How You Interact with Others
"What can I do for you?" These words probably feel very natural to you. More than most people, you are genuinely interested in the well-being of others. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are attentive, trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in as straightforward and direct a manner as you can. (((Psh, counsel. I'll def do a background check on the next people I try and help.)))

There may even be times when you put others' needs in front of your own. And you do so without the expectation of some reward or recognition. Yours is a different kind of compassion; you are genuinely tenderhearted and take pleasure in helping others while expecting little or nothing in return. For you, it's not tit-for-tat, you truly want to do things for others that will better their lives. You mean it when you ask, "What can I do for you?"



Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
Though your motives arise from genuine compassion, some people might think of you as "a little too good to be true." They could suspect that your kindness is something you use to ingratiate yourself with others or to get them to like you. Others may suspect that your altruism is a mask for your own problems; you take care of others but never let others get to know you well enough to offer you their care. Some of this suspicion may be genuine; they just can't believe you're this kind. But it may also be triggered by envy; people see in you a tenderheartedness they don't find in themselves, and it makes them uncomfortable so they take it out on you with their suspicions. (((Bullseye)))

Another critical response others may have may be something you want to take a serious look at. If you spend your time taking care of others, you may not have enough left to take very good care of yourself. If you're always asking, "What can I do for you?", you may not focus enough on your own needs. You're so busy taking care of others that you neglect yourself and empty your reserves of energy and good health. Like we said, give it consideration and if it doesn't fit move on.



Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
For the most part, people will feel gifted to come across someone like you. For those you help, you will be light in the darkness, a hand up when they've fallen into a ditch. Your true graciousness and selflessness is rather rare these days and is often a breath of fresh air in this all too often dog-eat-dog world. Others will see in you the kindness that each of us seeks in life, both in our own characters and in our relationships with others. And you will become a model of that honest compassion; someone others may even look up to. Hopefully that feels okay to you.

My Personality Test: Openness

On the Openness Dimension you are:
CURIOUS


Words That Describe You:
Original
Inventive
Thinker
Brave
Eccentric
Avant-Garde
Out-of-Touch
Unique

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences
You think like an artist. Or better, you SEE like an artist. While most people look at life's straight lines, its height and depth and width, you're bending the lines with your imagination and turning black and white into shades of blue and yellow. And in conversations at work or with your friends you want to ask, "Do you see what I see?" A few might, most don't, but you've piqued everyone's curiosity with your own original and inventive ways of thinking.

You can, if you must, think in conventional ways. But left on your own, you'll usually opt for the eccentric or avant-garde; in fact you're usually bored with what everyone else is comfortable with. You learn from reading, talking, watching people and other fauna and flora, and simply sitting in the soft chair of your mind and wondering how people would learn how to count if they could only use uneven numbers. You are out in front of conventional ideas, bravely originally defining true and false, right and wrong, the good, the bad and the ugly.



Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking
You drive through life faster than the speed limit, and when you hit speed bumps, and you hit a lot of them with your mind distracted from the straight line ahead your wheels leave the ground.

For people who like life at a safer speed, you move too fast and lose touch too often with the solid ground they prefer, hence their discomfort with you. As odd as you might find this, many people feel safe in the shelter of the world they already know. They like the familiar. They breathe easily and sleep deeply knowing with more certainty how the world works. So although they might enjoy your company and be curious about your latest notion of how to count backwards by threes, they can only take you in small doses. And they wish you'd quit trying to push the boundaries of their personal and social cosmos.



Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Even those whom you make uncomfortable know, as just about everyone does, that you're not a flake. You think well, and even your wildest fancies have their roots in the deep soil of sound ideas and tested beliefs. So even if some people don't want to drive at high speed with you, they will respect you for your courage as an innovative and unconventional thinker. You lend color and imagination to what would otherwise be the straight black and white lines of their work world and social environments.

A few more daring people of your circle might even learn from you to take a risk they would otherwise never consider. As comfortable as they are on solid ground, they may be curious about what it would be like to go faster than the speed limit, or paint the living room two shades of blue, or question ideas or beliefs they've fingered like sacred beads since they were children.

After all, they watch you do it, and you seem no worse for the risks you take. In fact, your eyes are wider and your breath quicker, and maybe they can find at least a bit of this for themselves. To be certain, they don't want their wheels to leave the ground, but maybe the next time they approach a speed bump they might just brace themselves and speed up just a little bit.



(((Always, always, always learning... whether it be by book, my experiences or by ~other people~.)))

My Personality Test: Emotional Stability

Introduction to Emotional Stability
We're born with the capacity to feel deeply, so it's as natural as breathing to experience a range of emotions. Fear and joy and sadness, anger and shame and disgust lie somewhere within each of us. Ah, but to what extent do we control these emotions, and to what extent do they control us? How you answer this question of how your emotions play out in your life has a great deal to do with your levels of personal satisfaction and with the character of your relationships with others. Do you manage your emotions well, keeping them in check with your thinking and your willpower, or are you someone who lets emotions have their way, giving in to the wild dance of feelings? The following paragraphs describe your emotional range in terms of being a person who is emotionally steady or someone who is responsive to whatever feelings swell up in you.



On Emotional Stability you are:
VERY STEADY


Words That Describe You:
Calm
Stable
Composed
Unflappable
Confident
Secure
Collected
Controlled
Poised

A General Description of Your Reactivity
Everyone, including you, runs into those moments when emotions rise up and you get caught off guard and have to deal with someone whose feelings are out of control. Life just comes at us like this. When you face such moments you are steady, composed, and as solid as a rock. While others might be swept up in the emotions of the moment, you are able to remain calm and collected. When others cannot think straight you remain unflappable and clear-headed. A fundamental truth about you when it comes to your emotional world is that you are very confident and very secure.

You may be as solid as a rock, but you are not as cold as stone. When life is calm and you are safe, you get in touch with your emotions. You laugh with your friends and share tender moments with those you're close to. You might tear up watching a movie or some tragic story on the evening news. And you're no stranger to fear, when the future is threatening or some danger sneaks into your thoughts at night, you feel the fear in the pit of your stomach. But you know how to get through these moments. You marshal your very competent brain, get your thoughts up on top of your feelings, and think of a way to cope. Before long you're calm and stable again.



Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
Some of your friends might find you way too controlled in these emotional moments. "What is it with you? Don't you feel anything at all?" They're falling apart, you're as steady as a rock, and they don't trust you to be real. As far as they're concerned, you just don't care enough, either about your own emotional world or about the pain or pleasure they're so caught up in.

So you're not the person they turn to when feelings are deep and they need to surround themselves with people they believe will understand the turmoil they're in. They won't think of you as such a person, so they won't let you in on their emotional moments.



Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
But others will see you as just the person they need in such tumultuous times. They need a steady companion when their own insides are roiling; they need your calm and confident friendship when their feelings are running out of control. They need your help to talk and think their way through their turmoil.

Also, people who are as calm and secure as you and who, like you, are emotionally composed most of the time, will find you a friend they are comfortable with. They know that when things get emotionally nutty and it's hard to find solid ground to stand on, you will be what you always are: steady, calm and unflappable, just the stable person they need when the emotional world is spinning.



(((I believe this has only come due to trial and error,... and much much MUCH heartache/pain)))
((((My ultimate phrase I use... "It doesn't surprise me.")))

My Personality Test: Conscientiousness

Your approach toward your obligations is:
VERY FOCUSED


Words That Describe You:
Orderly
Duty-bound
Driven
Single-minded
Self-disciplined
Cautious
Strategic
Controlling
Logical

A General Description of How You Interact with Others
You are very goal-oriented and driven to achieve your goals. Whether at work or around the house or in small tasks or large projects, you want to know what the goal is. Once you know, you give single-minded attention to developing a plan; you gather and organize resources in an orderly fashion, and discipline yourself to work until the job is done.

You will get it done, and done correctly; your attention to detail is one of your most striking characteristics. Whether organizing the garage or the kitchen cupboards or rolling out a new product line at work, you define the goal, think strategically about how to achieve it, and work in an orderly and self-disciplined way to get the job done.

You are this way in relationships as well. You know where each person fits into your life, whether as a work colleague, a distant friend or one of your carefully chosen intimate circles. You are usually quite careful to keep each person in what is for you the comfort-zone of your relationship with them. Within that space, you are very loyal to them; you feel duty-bound to take responsibility for your part in the relationship, and you work hard to fulfill whatever you perceive is your obligation to the other person.

You get uncomfortable when relationships get messy, such as when someone crosses the line from colleague to friend without your invitation, or when an intimate acts irresponsibly and compromises your trust in them. With people, as with work, you prefer an orderly world.



Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
For some people, the first thing that comes to mind about you is "control freak." They see your careful plans and your disciplined drive to accomplish your goals and worry that there's no flexibility in you, either toward yourself or toward others.

Being duty-bound and single-minded, two of your strongest qualities, may seem to others to slide too easily into rigid and unbending; what you experience as appropriate caution they might experience as your intolerance of someone else's novel plans or less-than-orderly route toward of strategies aimed at achieving a common goal.

Friends with a more psychological bent might look at you and think "fear." They could see your desire to control yourself and your encounters with others as an unwillingness to let what is inside you come out spontaneously, as if there's something dark in there that you don't want to look at. They may also conclude that you are afraid of others, especially those who are different from you in temperament or self-discipline. They may come to believe that you want to control your interactions with others out of fear that what's inside of them is too messy or too disorderly.



Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Almost everyone will agree and admire you for getting stuff done; when you set your mind to something, you move with controlled energy toward a goal and accomplish it. So if they need someone to do a job, they know they can count on you.

Others may be very comfortable with your predictable temperament and behavior. With you there are few surprises, either in your work world or your social life. You show up on time, ready to take part, and you work hard and stay the course until the end, whether in a job, a committee meeting or a gathering of friends. Many people will admire the quality of your character. There is no mess in you or around you.

You say what you believe, live by what you say, and are as consistent as the sunrise. This clarity will make you easy to be with for those who are comfortable with an orderly, somewhat predictable world.



(((People know this too well about me, especially my ex)))

My Personality Test: Extraversion

When it comes to Extraversion you are:
OUTGOING


Words That Describe You:
Friendly
Gregarious
Full of Life
Unreserved
Kindhearted
Talkative
Emotional
Spontaneous
Vigorous

A General Description of How You Interact with Others
People light you up. In conversations, planning meetings or almost any social situation, you bring your energy and your friendly, outgoing personality into these engagements with other people, and you come away pumped up. You can hardly wait for the next event, as long as other people will be there. And you're good at it.

You know how to communicate. You listen well, the first rule of good communication, and then, when it's your turn, you talk vigorously and with animation; in your uninhibited way you give all that you've got to the encounter.

In situations where you feel very safe, when you know and trust the people you're with, you can be very kindhearted and unrestrained. You let your affection for and pleasure in being with others flow freely. You're wide open And when you get back this same kind of unrestrained warmth, you are deeply satisfied. Because you are so friendly and full of life, these are among your favorite moments.



Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
As much as you like being with other people, not everyone will like being with you. Hard to believe, but your gregarious and warm manner is not everyone's cup of tea. Some people are more cautious than you in personal encounters; others think the work place should be more formal, more impersonal than is comfortable for you. Still others, who may want more of the spotlight, will find you too much to compete with once you get your lively and outgoing self in motion. (((Hmmm, sounds familiar!)))

Here's another word of caution. You've been at this warm and open way of relating for a while, but for some people it's a brand new experience. They may be protecting something inside themselves, some fear or guilt or shame, or some private part of their story that they're not yet ready to share. Your openness might threaten them, and they'll take a step back and be reluctant the next time to engage you in the kind of exchange you find so easy and satisfying but they find so dangerous. (((!!!)))



Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Many people, most probably, will be glad to be in the room you're in. At work you make the environment livelier and the banter more interesting, so the time moves swiftly and the experience is a happier one. At home you keep everyone connected because you engage each of them in the conversational action, and as a result they are more connected as well with one another. You make home a warmer and more interesting place for everyone who lives there.

You might also be helpful to some people. There are those who need to talk but aren't very good at it. They don't know how to begin the kind of conversation that would allow them to share whatever is in their personal stories that they'd like or need to talk about. You could make that easier for them with your way with words. Some people just need an example and a little encouragement to come out of their shell and get into the greater fun and personal connectedness that will make their lives so much more satisfying. Again, you might be just the right person to make that happen for them.

So almost everyone will be glad to be with you, you make life more interesting for those you live and work with, and you could help some of your friends who need just a little encouragement to open up and find in themselves the kinds of energetic and warm connections that you thrive on. Not that you are a pushover; in fact, you are often quite assertive. In taking care of yourself you also make sure that others are engaged and energized.

Cher Lloyd ft Mike Posner - With Ur Love

Neighborhood Foster Mom

Things are so great. I think I am finally starting to fall back in the healthy routine I was once in before the accident. Sometimes I remember things, like... some ways I would prepare lunch and dinner. Some things I would do on a daily basis from strokes I would brush my teeth a day times two, to my workout schedule with my own growth in personal relationship to my Father. Not for it to be "seen" by others, but because that is where it exists... in my heart. And that's all I really have to be content with. Is what I do. Not what anyone may ever say to do, or my high expectations of people. Not worrying about peoples words or actions. Just doing what I do and always have done best! :) I'm just me. And that's what I will alway be.

I love that I have a house full of kids on a daily basis. It's a crazy household,... but it's busy! This past Sunday I thought I was going to have to borrow a friends Saburban, that's how many kids I took ALONE to the movies. Some people may call it insane,... but I have this I guess a gift that I can juggle SO much at a single time. From painting nails, to playing ball. It's such a wonderful, drama free environment. And I am so thankful that these little kiddos that I love so much have such wonderful level headed parents. Not control freaks.

It's a wonderful, wonderful world. :)

The Downfalls to Vaccination

Flu shot ingredients
They include mercury and other highly toxic chemicals


The list of flu shot ingredients is quite a long and scary one. But unlike, say, ingredients in canned and packaged foods, this list is not normally visible for consumers to see. People get flu shots from an injection given by the doctor. They do not first get to read the ingredients list.
If you do, you will certainly think more than twice about getting that flu shot. Because it is filled with toxic chemicals, some of which are extremely toxic.

Mercury in flu shots

Among the many toxic flu shot ingredients, the one that some consumers know about - and this is quite widely discussed on Internet forums - is mercury. Almost all flu shots, as well as other vaccines, contain Thimerosal, a mercury disinfectant / preservative.

Mercury is extremely toxic. It can cause brain injury and mercury in vaccines have been linked to an epidemic of autism, with the number of children affected by autism having risen by thousands of percent in the last two decades. Mercury can also cause auto immune diseases.

The medical establishment has been staunchly defending the use of mercury in flu shots and other vaccines because it simply cannot admit its dangers. To do so would be to admit that the entire medical profession has been harming people - in very serious ways - for over a hundred years. This could create a crisis of confidence in medical science, not to mention trillions of dollars in law suits.

What it has done is to:

put warning labels on flu shots and other vaccines, which consumers do not get to read anyway.

produce Thimerosal-free vaccines, but these are difficult to find. Only a small percentage of consumers know about the dangers of flu shot ingredients like Thimerosal and mercury, so there is not a lot of demand for Thimerosal-free vaccines and hence, not a lot of supply.
Meanwhile, health authorities like the US Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) continue to refuse to warn the public against the dangers of flu shot ingredients like Thimerosal, citing "lack of evidence".

Proponents of the flu shot and other vaccines argue that the amount of mercury present in flu shots is very small- about the amont found in a small can of tuna.

To begin with, nobody is saying that the amount of mercury in a can of tuna is harmless - especially for infants. It is just that the oceans have become so polluted that many people have come to accept that if they want to eat fish, they will inevitably have to take a bit of toxic mercury with it.

Moreover, the form of mercury used as flu shot ingredients is not the same as the type of mercury found in fish. The effects of mercury in vaccines are still not completely understood and nobody can say for sure that it is safe. All that the defenders of vaccination can say it is it is "not known to be harmful" - even though considerable scientific evidence already exists.

At the same time, health authorities are encouraging more people to get flu shots. in September 2008, the CDC expanded its recommendations to include yearly flu shots for all children ages 6 months to 18 years. The CDC also now advises pregnant women to be vaccinated, along with healthcare workers and those over 50.

So more and more people will get exposed to toxic flu shot ingredients like mercury. The problem will get worse!


What about Thimerosal-free vaccines?

Well, you still have a long list of other toxic flu shot ingredients to deal with. These include:

Ethylene glycol is used as antifreeze. Ethylene glycol and its toxic byproducts first affect the central nervous system, then the heart and finally the kidneys. Ingestion of sufficient amounts can be fatal.

Phenol, also known as carbolic acid, is used as a disinfectant and dye. Phenol was originally used as an antiseptic in surgery but it use was abandoned because it causes skin irritation. Before and during the Second World War, phenol injections were used by Nazi Germans as a means of rapid execution!

Formaldehyde is the chemical used for embalming. It is used in vaccines as a perservative. Formadelhyde is a known cancer-causing agent and it can also cause allergic reactions. Its use in cosmetics is banned in Sweden and Japan.

Aluminum is a toxic metal used as an additive in flu shots to promote antibody response. Aluminium is widely associated with Alzheimer's disease and studies have shown that people who received five or more flu shots during a 10-year period has 10 times higher risks of developing Alzheimer's Disease, compared to those who had fewer than two flu shots. Aluminuim has also been shown to cause seizures and cancer in laboratory mice.

Antibiotics like Neomycin and Streptomycin are used as, well, antibiotics, They are added to flu shots to kill any bacteria that may be present. These antibiotics can cause allergic reaction in some people.

Finally, the vaccine...

After going through this long list of flu shot ingredients, do you still want to take it? We have not even come to the main ingredient - the vaccine itself, the supposedly weakened or disabled bacteria or virus that is supposed to stimulate the body's immune response.

In the US, a typical flu shot contains three viruses, two A srains and one B strain. The choice of virus is decided by "experts" at the CDC, who make an educated guess as to which viruses are most likely to strike in a given year. If they guessed corectly, the vaccine might be about 70 percent effective. If they guessed wrongly, which they did in 2003/2004 winter, the effectiveness rate plunges to near zero!

How do they produce this virus that goes into flu shots? Or the bacteria that goes into other types of vaccines?

These are cultivated in animal proteins, such as rabbit brain tissue, monkey kidney tissue, pig blood, chicken embryo, embryonic guinea pig cells and calf serum. When injected into the body, these proteins turn toxic because proteins have to be broken down into amino acids by the digestive system before they can be utilised.

Dolphin Tale 3D

Tonight was a blast. Took Chief and a few kiddos to the movies. It's great to be surrounded by these kids parents whom I LOVE that are not insecure with themselves. The only adult watching 4 kids was actually a lot of fun. Capable of taking care of 20+ kids solo successfully is a gift. It all comes so easy and naturally. Although I don't believe it is my "calling",... it's just an added bonus.

Dolphin Tale 3D was good. The kids loved it! I still kinda wish we would have gone to Lion King instead, lol. Maybe I am partial to it n all because of my childhood love JTT. HAHA! Yes, yes I know. Hmm, wonder what he is up to these days.

Anyways, the guy who gained the new swimming title in Dolphin Tale totally reminded my of my ex husband. He being a swimmer, blonde hear, eyes, big smile, skin, ripped body, they looked so much alike, he could be his little brother. Not even kidding.

But aside from that,.. Hazels dad (who is totally hot) I could have swore was going to get together with Sawyers mom. Didn't happen, I think either they have a plan of a second movie (which I don't think will be successful), but maybe they accidentally left it out of this one? Who knows... but all over, it was good.

First ever Paddle-board Yoga Instructor!

...is the best experience a girl could ever have.


There are no classes offered at any time in the state of Texas and very few even outside of our lovely state, so I have decided to take the challenge of beginning the first ever Paddle-board Yoga courses for Fort Worth! This is a good time for you to learn your yoga, and work out your balance with a medicine ball this winter season.

Courses for Paddle-board Yoga will begin late Spring as the water begins to warm up. See you soon!

A Short Story Topic of a couple named "Brody & Rudy"

I have taken an extra step to remove the actual names of who I am speaking of and put in a different name to replace it. This is an actual conversation between myself and 2 other people, though I have completely left out their identity and responses.

I couldn't put into words more perfect then your second message, second paragraph. That made me cry. I have definitely been through some hard time (as I know everyone has), but mine just doesn't seem to ever let up. Which I am not complaining, I am grateful that God trusts me with all He thinks I am capable of handling. I can understand just about everyones hurt, pain, or needs. But because I can, and the most recent disaster, my view went from wanting to help anyone and everyone... to completely hiding from anyone and everyone. They stole something that didn't belong to them! And I do not know how to get that back. I am searching and I don't know what else to do.
It is all because of Rudy's insecurities. That hit me so hard.

Here, I am going to tell yall a little story. Something that has hurt, and hurt and hurt.

I believe I started working for the Cache's early 2010. I think January or something. Cause I remember that they took me out to an Arlington Steak house on Feb 2nd, what would have been my 2 year wedding anniversary.

Alright so I DON'T dance!!! And Rudy made me get out there with Brody on the dance floor to dance. She took pictures, then I took pictures of them dancing. Blah blah. It was all innocent.

Over time, and I didn't find this out until it was too late that Cleopatra made some accusations about either me loving Brody or Brody loving me. I don't remember what exactly, but either way, when I found out I was in very much a shock. This is when I started becoming a little uncomfortable. Well, more AWARE of my surroundings then uncomfortable. My trust began to decrease one again, all over again. And this was not good after what I had been through with my ex husband.

Okay, so I was working with them. My job was to be there at 9 and I got to leave at 2pm. I had my office and was set and ready with a computer to do graphics and shirt sales, documenting everything, organizing files, printing up sales reciepts for customers files and another for Rudy's files, which I guess were for Tax purposes.

I was normally the first one to arrive. For awhile Rudy would make coffee, do things around the office and they'd all end up in their own offices.

Well, after some time we all were assigned to doing different things. Since I was usually the first to arrive before anyone, I was to make coffee so it would be ready for when everyone arrives and to do the trash, I believe every Thursday. I can't remember the day cause I am getting confused right now with my home trash day. (After some time, began to feel uneasy about making the coffee from how I felt I was being treated)

Okay, so it was MANDATORY that Cleopatra were to arrive before Brody got to the office so it wouldn't be us 2 in the office building. This part completely throws me off because in MY PERSPECTIVE,... if a person were to make accusations and be so offended by something that really they do not know exists, then WHY LEAVE THOSE TWO PEOPLE ALONE?????
That, I will NEVER understand!

So, whatever Cleopatra said to Rudy I will never know. But whatever it was it really grew and grew and grew in Rudy. But I only noticed it after the accident (because supposedly, this gossip began prior). The accident which was May 7th, 2010. They were what I THOUGHT was family. Or at least the closest to family that I had. Since I do not have family here,... I have a very soft heart for those who are along... and even more so now

Anyways, I broke my neck and they took me and Dillon in. They cleared out their spare room, which was a play room for the kids at the time.

I was on bed rest for several weeks. I remember Brody telling me that he would come in to give me Meds every, geez I don't remember how many hours, but I'd get woken up to take them, then I'd fall right back asleep. I do though remember getting sick several times because of the meds, but that's about it. It took several days if not a week before I could get up to really eat anything other then crackers. But wouldn't be up for long until the meds would knock me right back out again.
Okay, so ANOTHER thing I do not get... if there were such mysteries,... why didn't Rudy just bring my my meds??? I don't get it. None of it!
So accusations began, and built and built and built. I'm sure you can only guess as to what those accusations would be!

It had got so bad that she began to change what I was wearing. She even insisted on taking me shopping (which of course I wasn't going to say no to) but then to get there and she was picking out the clothes I should and should not wear is when I felt like I was being changed.

I watched their kids a lot. He was out doing business stuff, she was doing laundry and computer stuff. After so much time with their kids, well of course they would begin to build a bond with me. When her daughter asked me to paint her nails one time, she scarcely cut us off. I was not to paint her nails again without her permission. And she was not allowed to ask if I could go in her room before bedtime and tell her goodnight. I then, did not feel like a sister... though I still fought for that. She was now so caught up about me being a threat or competing with her.

In no way do I compete with anyone but myself. I have very high expectations of myself. And because of that, I believe that is why she told me even to my face on the drive down to Lakeview. I even recorded the entire conversation that no one knows I have.

According to a conversation that they 2 had in front of me, they had been having marital issues for 6 months prior me ever coming along. And I am SURE that me, being a pretty single lady (my friend defines it as) was just gas being thrown on a fire. Now I don't know what all happened during that 6 months of hell for them, but I know they were struggling to find a location to put "Ministry" in, when they were going to buy a church building and it fell out from underneath them.

Anyways,... I remember a time at camp when just the leaders were there in that one open building. I cannot remember what the mini sermon was about but it was a tear jerking one. I remember that when they were closing they asked for whoever needed to let something go... I started crying. Cause all I could think of was my ex husband. I still hurt and had not let him go. I don't even know if I have to this day. Anyways... Cleopatra came to me and stood in front of me. I started bawling even more. She held me in her arms and said something... I can't remember exactly what it was but I felt a very bad spirit and immediately knew what she was praying over me! And it wasn't on behalf of my husband.

Things grew and grew and grew. If you only knew how excruciating each and every single day was.

I refused to take it any longer, and I put in my notice effective immediately -when it got so far out of control that I couldn't take it anymore-.

Brody talked to Rudy, I don't know what they talked about, but he convinced me to stay. So I did. But it didn't last long.

I found the job in which I am with now, and left -them after 2 weeks, no notice-.

I thought things would get better if I werent so much in the picture. But that was just me and my silly hopes and dreams. They didn't get better.

I tried to reach Candy. She seemed very defensive over the phone. She interpreted something that Rudy eventually told me.. that I was in love with Brody and Brody was in love with me, and Rudy is getting in the way. Honestly, that made me very upset. Cause I tried to go to her about a problem and for her to help fix a problem, yet that is what she "interpreted"??? That disgusts me. If she had any feelings such as this, I would have hoped that she would have called me back and asked me to meet in her office. Yet, the communication was dead.

It had been some time. And I had been doing just fine, still hurt from the whole experience, but at least there was no more drama in my life. By this time, I had already taken Dillon out of TESA in which he shared with Grabby & Brody Jr., back to a public school and I dropped from attending CC services out of no more respect I had left for the leadership within CC.

Several months had passed when one morning I woke suddenly by a noise. It was Brody standing at the end of my bed. Not until later did I remember that Brody and Rudy had complete control of everything during my down time. That he made and extra key for Kaitlynn to feed my fish every other day. He tried to force himself on me. He soon left with my threats against him. I contact my friend Serinity immediately and told her everything. She told me I needed to contact pastor immediately. I already knew before even praying that contacting him would do no good. Because I knew how his wife reacted, I know there was no hope in getting any help from pastor. And guess what? I wrote him a few days later after I had been praying and got the go ahead from God to write him. I did what I needed to do. Yet, I knew he wouldn't respond. And that is exactly what happened. He didn't respond.

-This is not including the time where I was being followed out of the church parking lot!-

This is why I am deathly afraid of people. This is why I have such protective neighbors now. This is why I have a loaded handgun in my possession. This is why I want to get my CHL. I don't trust a soul. I used to. And I used to love everyone. Now I am afraid of people. I am so scared. Explains why I have had such problems even associating with people in the church. Because the people I have dealt this have been the fakest of the fake. People who pretend to be one thing on stage, yet not even a follower of Christ outside of church.

__, I have never ever felt hate in my life until this. And can admit that I do have hate towards those people. What they did to my life, how they changed it, and what they present themselves to be.


I know this was a very very long message, and you of very few know this whole story,... but this is it. This is why I am the way I am today. This is why I hate the accident. Not because I broke my neck. Because THEY took me in.

I forgot to mention the time that Candy told me that "You are not family if you are not blood". That very moment is when made me realize to not step back on their premises for any sermons. Because in my mind, with no "family" in sight... that is all I have to believe in. That the church was my family.

You may have seen a funny time in Candy and pastors posts where they started uplifting the church "family". That was the reason. I believe in my heart that she realized what she said was wrong. -and if not... blind. I'd HOPE to believe there is a LITTLE humility.- I don't have a problem with people being wrong at all, but I do have a problem when people do not admit them.

That really screwed with my mind. Now thinking... no church can be family, cause in order to be family, you must be blood. Now I know better then that, but still those words were so painful, I will never forget, and with what I went through with my husband and his "blood family",.. I am now scared to get involved with any church, and guy, any anything!

-Especially to settle down with anyone. I thought at first, what a great example of marriage these two people show. But behind closed doors,... this is what I do NOT want. I NEVER want to get married again if this is what marriage is like."



I hate that someone would turn their spouse to another person! And why me? I mean, I've had ENOUGH in this life to deal with! Although I think she was oblivious as to what she was doing only because they all (whole family) has a "know it all" personality. So no one listens to anyones anything. So no matter how many times you can tell a person no no no no,.. they surely DON'T get it! So thanks "Brody & Rudy" for breaking the straw on the camels back. Are you happy now that you tried to make your wish come true? Are you happy that you have a ministry that HURTS people who love you??? After what I have seen and experienced, you do not deserve to get tithed to! If only everyone KNEW what you were doing with peoples tithes! It will not be a secret much longer.

I am so glad neither of you are my God. This world would be a complete and total disaster.

One door closed, many doors opened!

So the last couple of years have been a little difficult. More difficult then I'd ever imagine it would be.

Having been harmed by "people of power" on numerous acts, I have contentment in my heart that God is only preparing my heart and words for something bigger and better. I love knowledge, and I love the word, and those two combined... I am getting a glimpse into the life I am headed towards.

There are a couple of classes that I chose to take this year, only because it was late registration and I didn't have a choice but TO choose them, lol... but I feel as if God chose them for me. Actually... I know.

Alright, so I had been working for Mud Run for a year now, and I guess he's got a lot enemies. I got an e-mail from one of them, by an anonymous person that stated he was under investigated for fraud. Honestly, I have no clue, and I really don't care, but that like many other things only seem to p him off. So because I was the receiver, he chose to terminate my position. I wanted to quit anyways, so it was forced out of my hands without doing the dirty work. Cause I am not a girl that pull that dirty work on people as I have seen by experiences time and time again. So, phew! God is good.

Now to focus on my God, my boy and my school. Cause it's obvious I do not share these things with anyone.

Fall 2011

So... I am officially registered for school. I only have a hand full of classes to take before I qualify for nursing. It will then take me one additional year to have another license. This goes with my Esthetology. But this license gives me a much more open range of jobs, medical, and retirement.

Feeling a little happy in every department right now. :)

My position changed with Mud Run and I got a raise. Working from home, I am able to Volunteer at my sons school, in which this is his LAST year in Elementary. :( So I am also volunteering at his next school. I didn't realize that until a couple of days ago and I was in very much shock.

I got new tires, so I am ready for the upcoming winter.

Dillon finished his track season at TCU and also finished baseball with total HONORS and is about to start soccer. Then this year will be his first year to register for football. He is very excited. He and I have a date to attend our local high school's first home game next week. Very pumped up about that!

I've attended a church that I seem to really have the heart for. There is so much I can say here, but all I will say for now is that it makes my heart feel pure. It is a non-denomonational, which makes me feel more comforting about my idea of Unity vs Division. And straight up Bible study. Complete, Deep bible study. And real people, with real problems with REAL prayers and people truly wanting the BEST for each individual, not worst.

Alrigtht,... so I have been quite busy lately. But it has been so wonderful.

So I will leave on this...

Isn't Beyonce so incredibly gorgeous pregnant!?!?!?

Could a video get any hotter than this?!?!?

I don't think so.




Beyonce 1+1

DILLON'S FUNDRAISING

PRE-PORTIONED COOKIES

8001 Choc. Chip $16.00 8002 Oatmeal Raisin $16.00 8003 Peanut Butter $16.00 8004 M&M $16.00 8006 Triple Choc. Chip $16.00 8007 Snickerdoodle $16.00 8009 Wht. Choc. Macadamia Nut $16.00

TUB COOKIES

1001 Chocolate Chip $16.00 1002 Oatmeal Raisin $16.00 1003 Peanut Butter $16.00 1004 M&M $16.00 1006 Triple Choc. Chip $16.00 1007 Snickerdoodle $16.00 1009 Wht. Choc. Macasamia Nut $16.00

When you have placed your order, please message me on facebook ( http://www.facebook.com/juliehighland ) to let me know you placed an order. I will deliver your goodies to you as soon as I receive them. I will also give you a receipt. You will be able to use this receipt towards your tax return for charitable fundraising. It's a win-win situation for us both!!!

Of every song in the world, this is one that closest resembles my feelings towards my ex husband. I cry every time I listen to this.

SINGLE!

My new favorite song

How far can you see?

How true are your emotions and feelings? Think hard. Dig deeper.



I don't think I will ever grow up when it comes to makeup. Playing with color is almost magical for a girl.

Makeup used: Motives

A letter from my inner conscience

Dear Julie,

I know you have been through so much. I know that there is still much pain that lingers within you. I also know why you hold onto the pain. You hold onto the pain so you wont forget. So it will feel fresh when someone else has a similar challenge and you are able to connect with them on a very deep level.

But I want you to know that you still can have the deep level of connection after you have moved on. It's like they say "I can forgive, but I will never forget",... you can move on and not carry pain any longer but at the same time you still have the memories of pain. Doesn't mean you still "FEEL" them. As time progresses, "time heals all wounds". It takes longer for some then others. Yours is longer. I know you have so many questions. I know you don't understand a lot of things that happened in the past. But it is not for you to understand. Maybe in God's timing, He will show you why. But now is not the time. Obviously.

You have been trying so hard to move on. And because I am your conscience, I know your thoughts. Though not exactly linked to your heart,.. I've heard you speak, I've heard you cry, I've heard you go on and on and on about the man of your dreams. About how beautiful your wedding was. About how his mom and dad were your own. About how incredibly close and safe you felt in his arms.

I know that even 2 1/2 years later, you still pray that he would pop up out of no where and end all the pain. But... you know...? It's not that easy.

Let's imagine he came back into your life tomorrow. Oh goodness, yes you would be in HEAVEN! Weeks pass. Months pass. Maybe re-new your vows. But what happens when things get comfortable?

Although you were comfortable before,... the thoughts start rolling in. ..."Okay, he's being a little quiet today, I wonder if I did something wrong?" "I'm at work and the same gut feeling that I had once at school, is he packin up?... all those emotions rise again." "He's not home, is he planning something?" or "Maybe I should double check dating websites to see if he is on there again?" You know that's not a very stress free way to live. So why want someone who left you and your son out of nowhere?

Would you feel safe? Would you feel... loved? You know you would have questions, and emotions that will rise like the moment he chose to leave. You know you would feel pain from the people you called family. "How could they choose what they HAD to know was wrong?" "Blood?" AHA!!! Blood. Somehow this always comes to you as a bit of a problem.

Julie, you need to continue thinking the way YOU do and no one else. You are very very VERY blessed to have these thoughts that you do. You are what it seems like... physically alone in life. But YOU Julie, do not see a division in people as you have seen in EVERY.SINGLE.SOUL. you have ever met. Blood does not divide family for you. That is what makes you different from ALL the rest. You see EVERYONE as blood. United by One. The believers and nonbelievers. You have very high expectations of people. Your expectations are for people to be more like Jesus (whether known or not know, you believe there is a connection between us all), but what is so amazing is that you allow room in your own head knowing that they are people, and will fail, but that still doesn't mean it will not hurt. And though you love sinners to an unbelievable extent, you allow your heart in common painful situations because your LOVE and JESUS are more important then an opinion of man. You get hurt time and time again. People get jealous of you. People get made at you. People hate you. But that is what people are going to do. People are not Jesus. lol. Thank God for that.

You have learned some very tricky ways, by some professional con artists that know how to work the system. But as God called to you saying to not conform to their ways. They will have their own trials. And the people who are called to be the "Leaders" will have to face one of their own. Just then you were thinking... leaders? "Of the leaders I know, they are more like followers. They are people pleasers. It's a show for money. Not much else." You know that if they had no more money, no one would be their friend. You know this. Because someone's word, is so much more valuable then $. What you seeeeeeee, is what you get! You hate to hear from SOMEONE that they are still offering people to come over to have a few drinks. I know this bothers you a lot. Because in YOUR mind, you feel like a LEADER should at least TRY to attempt to be a ROLE MODEL. Not a devils advocate.

You have gone on a date now, which was good. But you also are clear in understanding that you want to build the trust to meet your TRUE Prince. PEOPLE even! Though it may take some time, and a few dates/gatherings, which I know you do not like,.. you must. You must break down these walls yet AGAIN!

You will meet someone who makes you completely forget your pains and fears. It will happen when you least expect it.

You have learned about the good and the ugly. Now that you have that class down... you are aware of what to look for, but most importantly... that the only person you are in control of is yourself. You... are a very powerful girl. You can do many many things that many are incapable of. So go on... reach out for that crazy, fun, exciting girl that some tried to steal away. It belongs to you and ONLY you. Love it and RUN it.

It's coming sunshine... Just let us know, so we can all put on our shades.

Love,
Your Conscience

DATE NIGHT!!!

Had a wonderful night tonight! I've known him for 8 years and decided to go on a little date tonight. It was nice going out on the town with someone you already know. He's like one of my best friends. We watched Crazy, Stupid, Love at the Movie Taverns on 7th, and hit up Sweet Sammies after that.



We can only be friends. That's all I see. We're just better that way.

Still looking for Mr. Right though.

To Love... is an action.

To not to love... is also an action.

An uniquely Gigantic Gumball Machine

http://www.hammacher.com/Product/11716?source=CJ&cm_mmc=CJ-_-3363563-_-5314042-_-Hammacher+Product+Catalog

Wonder what the expiration date is on gum?

You should get some of your own ;)

Swagger Jagger - Cher Lloyd <3

Madilyn

Alright, so my ex husband's ex EX wife has the cutest little girl!!! How sweet! So glad she is happy now. It is so hard to get past something that was so deceiving.

I am getting all excited inside. I have this feeling something is coming for me too. I am finally getting past the "Jimmy divorce" thing and have now raised my expectations to an unexplainable level, but lowered the wall to let someone in. There are things I want, annnnnnd there are things I do not want. lol

Do I have any prospects? lol. Silly question. And that would be a no. Although I get asked on a daily basis, I don't know... I guess I will KNOW when I see him. I have sooooo much love to give! I'm just overflowing with joyyy!!!

Page Views

I don't visit my own page often, but I uploaded a new song so wanted to hear it from location, and saw I THIS...!!! =)




I haven't had this tracker on for very long. I am so amazed that so many people have viewed in such a short time! Thank you for stopping by into my very personal journal.

- Gordon B. Hinckley

‎"Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know are those who are obsessed with themselves; the happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others...By and large, I have come to see that if we complain about life, it is because we are thinking only of ourselves."
-Gordon B. Hinckley

Love this quote!

“The only 3 things a guy should wanna change about his girl: her last name, her address and her point of view on men.”

As of last Wednesday, I have 95.00 reasons to be thankful.

Reminds me of College Dance =)

10 Year Reunion!!!

My 10 year High School reunion is this coming weekend!!! But a few of us got together this past weekend just to connect. It's been 10 years and it brought a sense of familiarity and comfort to my heart. Realizing how much I missed my friends brought so many tears of joy. There's no way in the world I am going to let another 10 years fly by without seeing them again.

The Lion, the Witch and the lack of a Wardrobe

Alright... so today. D and I are at Hurricane Harbor, and as many times as we have been there, I NEVER get these feelings. As we were leaving the Mega Slides, somewhere deep in my gut or soul, stirred up something I cannot explain. Something very alerting and fearful. I FELT certain individuals we're near the presence of where we were. I remember the step I took when my brain transitioned into High Awareness. I immediately looked at my surroundings.

Though God blessed me with this "feeling" to detect certain things He has not yet taken care of my bitterness and anger towards these people.

(I detected these people as soon as I knew them on a personal level and I accepted them the way they were. They wouldn't admit because they are very prideful, but I was SOOOOO CLOSE to God on such a deep spiritual level and I feel like I not only truly helped in that area that they lacked, plus I helped them with their fitness levels. If what she said out of her own mouth were true about jealousy, insecurity and "threat", she wouldn't have been so HATEFUL towards me, but more protective. Or maybe that's just my heart. But I realized when she was talking about cancer, it was a moment she looked in the mirror. Reading a friends blog yesterday actually made me cry cause it was about people wanting to steal her happiness cause they feel as if no one should be happier than her. Well, I can say I have truly experienced that. And I can try to put myself in other peoples shoes. Shoot, I'd be jealous of me too! And a bit intimidated because I do EVERYTHING... with Passion! But I have never been so unconfident to try and turn things on the ones who may make me feel unconfident. As a christian, we uplift, and not degrade. But I see that this was... normal. It's funny how some can bring kids to the Lord on an impersonal level, but the ones closest on a personal level, they harm the Kingdom. Think about that.)

Coming closer to our table in which had our belongings on it, sure enough... lo and behold. There was the evil that surpassed all evil that I've ever known.

If she weren't so oblivious to the infection she caused, things would have been so different. But when you try and FORCE your husband on another girl, THAT. IS. SICK!

Congratulations on trying to force that into reality. Congratulations on screwing so many peoples lives up.

Flee! Cause people... My face is just gonna get more and more known. And you're gonna hate it. Hm, you already do. But you should be hatin' what's in the mirror. Cause honestly, the white dainty flower,... doesn't cover an ugly heart. Nor does a voice. Quit putting on a show.

Dillon's Photoshoot and the fourth!

This was our quickest photo shoot Chief and I did. We weren't expecting the train. Geez, wasn't expecting it to be that LOUD either!!! I think my ears are still ringing!




Our time was short at the tracks, but it all was fun and good! So proud of my boy. He is the best little thing God has ever created!!!
We rushed to the Lone Star Park, although we missed the first 2 races. We had the absolute best seats (due to early planning) and D had a BLAST! We both did!

Sports from age 3 to 10

Sometimes I am thankful for being a little OCD. Dillon loved putting away his baseball jersey in our special "Chief Sports Memorabilia" this season. Here is some of this things I can think of off the top of my head of what he's done...

7 years in baseball.
2 years in soccer.
3 years in Triathlons.
7 5ks.
1 10k.
1 Half Marathon.
2 MudRuns.
10 Years old.

Pirates!!!

This was Dillon's 7th year in baseball, and his first year of pitching. This season he has really shown that baseball is deeply embedded in his heart. He wasn't happy until he heard the umpire yell "Strike", and from that moment on, he threw straight Strikes. Plus, his home run during the game before this one.. GEEZ!... and all bases were loaded. If it weren't for that homer, we wouldn't have won. Then a pop fly he caught at the end of the last game made our team win that one too!

He really had a blast playing at The Texas Rangers Youth Field. What a great experience. He truly is gifted.

So,.. I feel like my heart has been wanting to open up to try, like for real, try and... date. Ayyy. Okay, so here is my problem. I know what marriage is like. And I know how great it can be. I was in one. And that's not the part that really scares me honestly. It is a past situation I was in. When I was on bed rest, I had never seen such a broken family. I have never seen such hatred towards one another. And my view of people I don't think will ever be the same.

It's like... you look up to these people and though you didn't at first know them on a personal level, you think... "Man, THAT'S what kind of marriage I want!"... until, you get to know them on the personal level. That is what scares me. I don't want to be fake with the public. I don't want to pretend like everything is perfect on the outside, I don't want to be one person at church and then someone TOTALLY different outside of church, but within the household, there is anger, bitterness, hatred, fights, drama... it just didn't stop. And I would never want that to seep into anyone elses life. Because one thing I do know, they they're "ministry" or investing in a life didn't help, not a bit... it actually hindered me from being a better person. And everything that I ever wanted out of anyone is not to turns someones life upside down, but to make it better. To make it more beautiful. So I am hoping that everything I have seen and heard, I will be nothing like them.

Kind of like when I was growing up. My dad made some huge mistakes and really wasn't there for me. My mom, well.. she just just wasn't "there". So you can either grow up to become like your parents, or become exactly the opposite.
We all have choices. And the thing that I am most blessed about being in such harmful and the most evil of situations is that you have now seen things that you have never seen before. So this "strength" thing... how does it come into play? Strength is my definition of a Choice. You choose what path to go. You either become, or flee. So when words have been initiated, though never forgotten... if I get hurt, now that I am aware of such hateful things like "youre cancer to our family", I am proned to use those words again because someone used them on me, out of hurt... even if they were the cancer themselves.

When people's minds go crazy, and make up all sorts of things in the world, and they try in all efforts to PUSH someone to doing what exists in their mind, that makes a person SICK! Like, mentally sick. Then it spreads and infects those around the one who developed the disease. and not caring whatsoever about the person they are TRYING to effect... it is very selfish and self centered task.. The things people will do to have "power", "the upper hand", "pity parties", and "Company of Misery".

So out of months and months and months of being beaten', slapped around, scorned and criticized, I kept my eyes on Jesus and tried not to get thrown off each and every time. I was an honest friend even with being battered and bruised and tried.

And though, I have no clue what goes on behind closed doors, and really didn't care enough after that point, it goes to show that there were still threats or whatever mess goes on between the two. Mess being an understatement.

I'll never be the same being that I cannot sleep comfortably in my house anymore. Even with locks changed, sleep has not been the same. Her ultimate wish became existent about a month ago. When I fought for my sacred possessions. And though I won the battle,... doesn't mean I am not scared out of my mind.

Returning to the original subject,.. I need protection. I need appreciation. I need love. But most of all, I need a true family.

Even through pain, emotional and physical, my life needs that provider and protecter. Or DESIRES. And, whatever that takes. The work in me will be done to make those doors open, and for someone to walk through. Whoever the lucky guy is.

It hurts so bad to have innocence stollen. You can never go back. You can never rewind. You can never erase. Having innocence ripped away is like having parts of your body tore off. Imagine abortion. Imagine what the suction does to the baby being aborted. But having something beyond your control really screws with your head!
It's hard to talk to anyone. I make sure that if I am talking to a married woman, I keep my conversations short, involve absolutely no investment of affection and emotion again. If a married man talks to me, I cannot even concentrate on what he may be saying without thinking "When is he gonna stop talking and how fast can I run when he's done."

Man, this is the most difficult thing I could ever have gone through! When people push other people to the edge and it effects me, gosh.. I'm angry, scared, frustrated, depressed and way too much aware of my surroundings to the point where I feel like I am paranoid.

I have been through SO MUCH in my life, and I have such an incredible testimony. But what worth is the testimony when there hasn't been any recovery? At least to some of those areas.

I beg, plead, and pray for healing, and as soon as I feel like I am recovering, something bites me, and the pain resurfaces. And no matter what I do, I cannot do anything about it.

I had a meeting with a wonderful friend whom I didn't even know left the same church as I did, for somewhat similar reasons actually, said that she see's my constant cry-out on fb. I broke down in tears,.. because it is the truth. And no one has been listening. But one day soon... people will realize their denial. People will take responsibility of their actions in their own hearts, although they may be too prideful to express it to others,... it will be revealed in their hearts.

Now I have never had a problem with accepting my failures. I have always been overly open, which is why I think I get hurt more than others. People know how to use that against me. I'm just too predictable. Now the problem I do have, is taking responsibility for other peoples problems. But, I recognize that now, which will help me recovery in this particular area. But it still hurts when I am effected by their choices.

My ex father in law said something about me that I will never forget... hurts but made me realize that the WORLD.. IS.. THE.. "Brainwashed Concentration Camp". The WORLD!

How can someone who preaches about words say such a thing as this? I would have to say that each event that they do must be a brainwashed concentration camp. Or this other pastor and his wifes ministry for kids, how could these people talk down about so many other people in which are supposedly FRIENDS, from her sister in laws house being the most disgusting thing on the planet, warning me to never go next door, and that being the reason why the grandmother from out of town does not want to stay over there cause she feels like a maid. Or to their talks about a church friends husband having an affair, for her best friends husband having an affair, to another church friend how often she and her husband sleep together in a week, and how much better their kids are then any other kid, and so much more. Using tithes to pay for nightly alcohol is not a ministry. And for a pastor of their home church they attend to approve their behavior. For my ex father in law to approve my ex husbands behavior. To my ex church who also approves my ex husbands behavior and allows this man to lead people of the church who had committed adultery. You know... after the pastors wife went off on me about a subject pertaining to this... I am slowly getting the impression that the lead pastor may have had some sort of fall in this area. Or at least something closely related.

I don't want to say I am lost, cause I know my Savior. I know where I originally came from, and I know where I am going, but I do admit that I am confused. I just don't understand. Maybe one day I will understand, and maybe I wont. Maybe I will stop caring, maybe I will go in the opposite direction and care even more. Maybe God will reveal my calling o behalf of all the trials. Maybe God is preparing me for something bigger than my imagination can possibly apprehend! But if there is anything that I am certain of... there is a LOT of work ahead.

JRH

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark.
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare.

See how I'll leave, with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do.

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark.

The scars of your love, remind me of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it
To the beat

Baby I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you and I'm gonna make your head burn,
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there as mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love, remind you of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could of had it all

Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it
To the beat

We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
But you played it
With a beating

Throw your soul threw every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

We could of had it all
We could of had it all
We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it to the beat

We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand

But you played it,
You played it,
You played it
You played it to the beat

A little bit stronger... (perhaps?)

2 years, and it only feels like 2 weeks.

The World That Lost A Girl

For some reason I just can't shake it. It doesn't matter what I do, or how busy I keep myself... the lack of trust from all individuals still resides deep deep within my heart. I've been abandoned more than once. More than twice. More than three times. I have been hurt with words. Hurt with actions. And pushed away by many from the sources of each story.

I don't understand, and maybe I will never. But I can't grasp how this one girl who loves the world so much, can be made out to be all these different things and so much more!

All I needed was family. All I needed were friends. All I needed was a life full of people I can love. And that would love me. And this world has failed me. And when I simply grasp on to the very little I find, it bites me so hard it's unreal. Every. Single. Time.

Over this past year has been hard. A lot harder then most people know. Since I can't express myself to a soul 'cause I feel like my life just gets twisted to the point where I suffocate. I feel like my "all" which I've never given up, is slowly slipping out of the palm of my hands.

I don't understand how so many people of my past years have thought of all these things that my mind was clearly incapable of producing.

And like a dolphin being thrown into a sea full of angry sharks, I feel like I've just been shredded to pieces and I don't know how to put those pieces back together. No matter how hard I try. No matter how many self help books I read. No matter how many sermons I hear from the comfort of my own home, cause one thing for sure, I'm not comfortable with devoting not even a full 1% of investment into any place where I'll be judged and condemned for things that's not even in my own heart.

I'm so broken. And I have lost the desire to get to know anyone on a personal level anymore. And if you have ever previously known me... this is not the way "Julie" works. Julie is a girl who is so happy go lucky. A girl that nothing can stop her happiness. That is so free from all the worlds imprisonment. A girl that loves at no end!

6 months ago, was that tiny straw that blew in the wind, fell on a camel, and broke its back.

The world is slowly losing this passionate undying loving girl.

I have nothing left to give.

2011 The Collections Fashion Show benefiting Children's Miracle Network

Energy! That is the best word to describe this Fashion Show! What a blast it was! There are soooooo many more pictures to come, including the other 14 models, but here is a sneak peak... Enjoy.

Happy Mother's Day to All The Single Mama's out there..

Dermal Anchor

In celebration of my one year anniversary since the accident, I couldn't think of anything better then to get a Dermal Anchor Piercing on my C2.

First the artist takes this circular hollow razor and spins it a few times until it cuts through the epidermal layer. Kind of like a whole punch, the center is then removed. I didn't get a very good picture of this, so let's now go to the next step in which the picture did come out more clear...


Dermal... Anchor... Self explanatory. The anchor, as you can see above, is pushed through the hole causing a "pop" noise... for most people anyways. I wasn't privileged enough to hear or feel that.


This is the moment I asked the lady whom was in front of me if the next part hurts worse. She goes on to say, oh yeah... worse then you could imagine, that first part was nothing. Me... ...no happy. She then handed me a mirror as I took a breath before I looked at this "unfinished product"... come to find out she was only joking. It had been completed. That sure wasn't near as bad as I thought it was going to be!


I bled a little. I made sure my diet today didn't consist of any foods that thin my blood, so I believe I did pretty well.



DAY 2:


Last nights sleep was a little awkward only because I was overly cautious about the healing process. I cleaned it first thing this morning, and took pictures just to show you the progress. So far... so good.


(Keep checking in for more day by day updates until it is completely healed)



It's healed!!! It has been 2 months now, and I went back in to get my jewel changed. I thought it looked kinda cool without the jewel. So here is a pic of the hole in my neck. hehe. I'm sure I'll treat myself this Christmas with a real diamond stud. Very excited to be on the search for the perfect one :) For now, I am wearing a diamond flower.


I'm very happy with my dermal <3


Salty Dog Tattoo Shop
2903 West Berry Street
Fort Worth, Tx 76109
(817)921-5830

Artist name: Bear