Sometimes we'll never understand...

...but I pray that one day I find out why this had to happen to me.

I am a strong individual. I been through a lot. I've held strong. I've kept my head up through most challenges. I've stayed faithful through them and was fully committed to all that I was feeling within me.

11 weeks and 2 days have passed now. Feelings and emotions of things I thought were long gone have come back. I don't know if it is to haunt me, or if there are reasons. I don't know.

I don't have answers to anything right now. I have come to a state where I have never been. All my energy has gone to stress instead of healing. I feel like I have absolutely no control over my life. I feel like I cannot communicate. I feel like my current state of being is just a puppet.

So... maybe the answer would be that I just want to roll back time. Go back. For many reasons.

For love. For family. To make things right. Go back to running and swimming I so desperately miss with everything I have. To have those dreams, desires and goals I once had. To be so incredibly close to God I could almost touch Him!

There are some close people in my life that are tired of hearing about "since the accident". But what they don't know is that BECAUSE of the "accident", it has completely changed my life. Now, I wish with ALL of my heart, I could say it has changed my life for the better. I do wish so badly! ....And maybe, just MAYBE that time is coming. Maybe I'll find answers. But the accident is a part of my life. That part will never change. It has to be accepted. By people and most importantly,... by myself.

I could easily say to many, "quit talking about this 5 months ago stuff", but I don't,... because it is what led whoever to be wherever. It is what began the fantastic or miserable journey whoever's on. But it is not for me to say! It doesn't help the situation so why discourage instead of encourage when there is a possible choice. There's no "having to run after you". It's "be available because you're a friend".

I'm not saying amazing things haven't happened. Oh goodness, I couldn't count the blessings people have poured upon me. Wow! It is truly amazing what people are capable of, and have gone over and beyond just to see a smile on my face. My house was cleaned out completely. Every corner. My lawn was mowed almost weekly while I was on rest for 2 months. My laundry was done from loved ones. I threw up on loved ones (on accident of course) without one single complaint. A huge deal, my son has been more than taken care of. Spoiled even. My back yard is a party palace. There are lights strung from the house to the second level of the yard. A surprise gift of a swing was bought for my homecoming. I can't tell you enough (for the outdoorsey person I am), how much I have already put it to use. In the morning with my cup of Vanilla Biscotti Latte', and in the evening with water, lights/tiki torches and music playing. My "Celebrate Life" party was beyond complete. I didn't have to lift a finger, and I have never ever done that before at a party, I didn't even have to clean up afterwards! By the time everyone came in, it was already cleaned and put away! Everything! And extras were loaded for me and Chief in the fridge. I mean... really... what else??? I could write a short story just from the giving hearts in my life. Just the past 11 weeks alone!

But even through the things... words to me have a bigger impact in my life, and I think that is why my wall is built up so tall and so wide, that I haven't been able to see so many things that God possibly has been wanting me to see.

I have closed myself off to things just to keep from those words out there. It really is so crazy how much control words can have over your life. And how much hard work and effort it is just to "simply" go back! It's not so easy. Words are planted, and it is so hard to get rid of them! So so very hard! Especially when they're leaders.... of all kinds! I know people are people, and man WILL without question hurt and fail you. But I have been so used to and and expect it every time that now... it has effected me internally. And I know there is only one way to cleanse it. I just don't know why it has such a stronghold!!! I don't know why the devil is trying so hard to prevent me from the amazing things I know I can accomplish! I know I can change so many peoples lives! I know I can do sooooo much, because although God hasn't called me to be talented in one particular area, but SO MANY is why it is so hard to see which direction I am to go!

And because of ALL those so many things I am capable of, that is why this is so challenging.... because I have been prevented to do 90% of it since the accident.

I am just ready. So much more than ready... to be me.

Promises are made to keep...

...sometimes they're broken. Sometimes their kept to the grave. This one promise I made to someone I feel guilty that I am going to have to break.

So to you this may seem silly, but it always has been a big deal to me. I made a promise to someone that I wouldn't eat bottom feeders for the rest of my life.

Although I am not going to be literally eating them, I am going to be taking a supplement beginning tomorrow that contains crab and shrimp.

I am desperate for the bones to heal in my neck. As some of you know... the Dr requested for me to go back in my collar. I broke down in tears. I hate it and I never want to leave my home. I am so miserable... so tomorrow... I am going to start slamming Glucosamine Chondroitin capsules. I cannot express enough how desperate I am. How I have become depressed over all of this.

How all of the pain from my divorce has resurfaced. And how all the pain I have gone through in my entire life, I have just recently become lost. With the collar, I can't sing. Most importantly, I cannot workout like before. I am so proud of myself for doing the Cowtown Marathon this year, and my first Triathlon, but I don't want it to be the last. I want it to change soon, but I know it can't. I have so many plans! I have planned a sky-diving trip for a team of my friends to jump in Keller/Southlake are on 10-10-10. Although it is still going, I am so so so upset that there is a very large possibility that I will not be able to do it.

And although you're thinking... there is so much for you to be thankful for. I do know this. I know I have an amazing son that makes me feel like the best mom in the world! I have great friends that would be there in a second for me, as I would them. I have an awesome huge dog, might I add she likes to tear everything up right now, but she is still wonderful. She has become very protective and almost attacked the Charter Cable guy 2 days ago. lol

I have felt so alone these past few days. So terribly alone. I am angry in a sense cause I feel like I wouldn't be here right now in this situation if my ex husband hadn't of left. Things were great. Had some things to work on... like everyone, but there is no one that could give him what I could give. I firmly stand strong on that fact. There is just so much more to it.

I'm scared to date. I don't want to start all over. I tried it once. About a year ago, and I felt like I was forcing myself to like someone. Like, I was the teacher. I was the leader. And I didn't quite like that. I've read many books about dating, codependance, how to find yourself, when a marriage fails, encouraging books, self help books, and books of bible charts n stuff, but I don't know why.... that ever since the accident.... Everything has come crashing down. I'm being tested every day. Every single day! Like... you have absolutely no clue.

From the smallest things of organizing messed up files that didn't have to messed up from the beginning, to today my car breaks are starting to rub, I merge onto the highway, tire pops, no one stops, I have the "donut" on as someone does pull over, lower the car, and the donut is flat. I mean... geez! I was looking for a new car before the accident, but that got put on hold. So I'm determined to have one before school starts back up for Chief. But on the flip side, I am so very thankful for incredible friends who are more than amazing, and took on the tire bill when they didn't have to. I love them so much, and to me they're honestly not just "friends", they truly are family. Blood family it feels. Not the fake stuff like I've once witnessed (...but do pray it changes in whoever I am talking about, lives) The real Godly, amazing, fully, completely, 100% family like love.

I know I haven't been writing much lately. There are reasons.

So, please pray hard for my recovery. I have to get another cat scan in 3 weeks. According to my Dr, I should have my collar off permanently, and therapy will FINALLY begin!

Another for my sanity. I am nearly 4 months shy away from turning 30 in 2 years, and I feel like I was on a roll... like, hard core roll in my life. Involved in EVERYTHING you could possibly imagine that helps with the community, but as well with myself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I want that back. I so badly desperately want that back.

I could use a hug...

...right about now.

He hears our innermost deepest desires of our hearts

The Dr's appointment began.... not so very well. It has been my third meeting with my Dr... whom I have never met but in ICU. The reason being, she is Mrs Popularity in surgeon country. First started out with xrays in Radiology. This time, they took off my brace. I was kind of scared to take it off... but Dr's orders. Went to deliver the proofs and Dr was in Brain surgery. I broke down in tears because I have been more then ready to move on with my life. I haven't been home yet. I can't drive. I have gained some weight from bed rest. I have been depressed (although people don't really know, unless by those who I've been staying with) it's just progressed over time. I cannot work out. I'm not supposed to lift over 5 pounds. I mean... my life has been completely stripped away. Today has been 8 weeks since the accident.

We talked to the nurse, who works in the office of my Dr at Harris Downtown, and she saw how important it was and didn't realize how much of a burden this all has been. With not being able to see my Dr once or get anything done.

I left the hospital crying. Thinking, here goes another 4 weeks before my next appointment. So upset. I asked some friends on facebook to be praying. Mainly for my sanity. And not even 10 minutes later, as we pull up to our next stop, we get a text message from the nurse. Dr says I can take off the brace, and can drive, but has to ease into driving after a few days of neck movement, then next Drs appointment is Thurs.... and probably Therapy begins after that.

I felt so much lift from my shoulders. And I became overly joyed.

Our first trip to Sea World