Pound by pound. Each and every morning before I shower I step on the scale.
Right before the divorce I was well into my 180's, and once hit 191. Ouch!
Today I weighed myself and I'm ONE WHOLE POUND away from being in the 150's!
Less then what I weighed when I had married!!!
So, yeah. I'm happy in so many different ways!
I hear from people everyday that I'm getting "too skinny". Ha! I still have another 10-15 more pounds to go and it will be gone by the end of April for sure! Yay!
Hurricane Harbor, here I come! Watch out!!! :)
On top of that, I have some of those beautiful marks you get from having a child, oh yeah they're called stretch marks. But worth every little beathe that amazing little blonde headed boy takes! The point of me bringing this up is that I've been doing microdermabrasion on them at work, and today was my 4th or 5th session and I've seen a HUGE difference! WOW! I totally recommend it to everyone! If you need proof, I've got it!
I need some pants that fit! lol
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denial+divorce= normal emotions
(It's something not all will understand unless you've "BEEN THERE")
Ideally, the amount of energy you expend each day is equally balanced across the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of your life. But during and after a separation or divorce, your energy distribution is much different. As much as 85 percent of your energy can be diverted to dealing with the emotional upheaval, leaving only 15 percent to deal with all your physical, mental, and spiritual demands.
"Emotionally you're spinning," says Dr. Jim A. Talley. "You are going round and round. It's like you are running your engine wide open, but you're in neutral and not going anywhere, yet you can't shut the motor off. Eighty-five percent of your energy is being consumed in the whole emotional area. That leaves you 5 percent mental, 5 percent spiritual, and 5 percent physical. Mental difficulties include the inability to make decisions. Physically, you are totally exhausted. Spiritually, you have a loss of faith; you are not sure God exists, and you're not sure if you even care if He exists."
The emotional turmoil, the mental fog, the total loss of energy, and the questioning of God are to be expected. You don't desire any of it, but you have it, and your feelings and thoughts are natural.
"I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer" (Psalm 6:6-9).
God, I'm wiped out. Help me to acknowledge that my feelings are completely normal, and give me the energy to turn to You for help. Amen.
Ideally, the amount of energy you expend each day is equally balanced across the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of your life. But during and after a separation or divorce, your energy distribution is much different. As much as 85 percent of your energy can be diverted to dealing with the emotional upheaval, leaving only 15 percent to deal with all your physical, mental, and spiritual demands.
"Emotionally you're spinning," says Dr. Jim A. Talley. "You are going round and round. It's like you are running your engine wide open, but you're in neutral and not going anywhere, yet you can't shut the motor off. Eighty-five percent of your energy is being consumed in the whole emotional area. That leaves you 5 percent mental, 5 percent spiritual, and 5 percent physical. Mental difficulties include the inability to make decisions. Physically, you are totally exhausted. Spiritually, you have a loss of faith; you are not sure God exists, and you're not sure if you even care if He exists."
The emotional turmoil, the mental fog, the total loss of energy, and the questioning of God are to be expected. You don't desire any of it, but you have it, and your feelings and thoughts are natural.
"I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer" (Psalm 6:6-9).
God, I'm wiped out. Help me to acknowledge that my feelings are completely normal, and give me the energy to turn to You for help. Amen.
A poem I wrote in 2006 called "Heaven"
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Dear most precious and Heavenly Father,
Sometimes I ask why you bother?
To put so much time in this life of mine,
I'm not worthy of your design.
I could never imagine my life without you,
Just show me the path, I'll do what you ask me to do.
I'll swim through rivers, climb mountains and more,
This is what I want, it's you I adore.
You've spoken through this body, that I know,
You shine so bright, they see me glow.
Give it to me Lord, take all their pain away,
Because with you, I'll forever stay.
Stay in your presence, forever so true,
With you there beside me, you've allowed me to get through.
They can feel the Holy Spirit is strongly there,
This is the end, to my answered prayer.
(God Bless all my family and friends)
(He's got the whole world in his hands)
Sometimes I ask why you bother?
To put so much time in this life of mine,
I'm not worthy of your design.
I could never imagine my life without you,
Just show me the path, I'll do what you ask me to do.
I'll swim through rivers, climb mountains and more,
This is what I want, it's you I adore.
You've spoken through this body, that I know,
You shine so bright, they see me glow.
Give it to me Lord, take all their pain away,
Because with you, I'll forever stay.
Stay in your presence, forever so true,
With you there beside me, you've allowed me to get through.
They can feel the Holy Spirit is strongly there,
This is the end, to my answered prayer.
(God Bless all my family and friends)
(He's got the whole world in his hands)
Sunday Journal
Other then the disturbing e-mail I just got today, I had a pretty magnificant day!
The nightmares will soon be over! And my dreams will finally come true.
Although things are still not the "easiest" in the world, and it was intentional to make things as hard as can be on me, I still have faith.
God has really gotten me through this! He has even brought people in my life that have been so encouraging! People who have and are going through the same or close to the same things that I'm going through.
It is an odd mixture between the sorrow of the actions that took place against me, and the incredible happiness that's here. Now.
I pray for both sides. I pray for those who have hurt me. I hope we can just get passed this very soon and go our seperate ways. I'm not willing to be miserable. I have been for too long.
And I pray for those who are just angels in my life. You know who you are.
My love is especially for those who desire to have it in their life.
I'm excited about what the future holds!
The nightmares will soon be over! And my dreams will finally come true.
Although things are still not the "easiest" in the world, and it was intentional to make things as hard as can be on me, I still have faith.
God has really gotten me through this! He has even brought people in my life that have been so encouraging! People who have and are going through the same or close to the same things that I'm going through.
It is an odd mixture between the sorrow of the actions that took place against me, and the incredible happiness that's here. Now.
I pray for both sides. I pray for those who have hurt me. I hope we can just get passed this very soon and go our seperate ways. I'm not willing to be miserable. I have been for too long.
And I pray for those who are just angels in my life. You know who you are.
My love is especially for those who desire to have it in their life.
I'm excited about what the future holds!
I wish I could just put a smiley face here
Friday, March 27, 2009
I had such a great day! Jesus is the reason for the season!
Why does it sounds awkward hearing that during summer?
Maybe we should make it a habit of saying it more frequently,
because He IS the reason for EVERY season!
We have seasons within our lives.
Some are sunny.
Some are rainy.
Some the leaves break off and fall.
Some have hail storms.
Some have tornado's.
Some have hurricanes.
No matter the season, it is blessed by God.
I'm blessed with this season. Even if hail is coming down from every which direction, we're covered by the grace of God. He is my shield. You gotta go through my Father before you get to me.
Oh... did I say I had such an amazing day today?!?!?!?!
Why does it sounds awkward hearing that during summer?
Maybe we should make it a habit of saying it more frequently,
because He IS the reason for EVERY season!
We have seasons within our lives.
Some are sunny.
Some are rainy.
Some the leaves break off and fall.
Some have hail storms.
Some have tornado's.
Some have hurricanes.
No matter the season, it is blessed by God.
I'm blessed with this season. Even if hail is coming down from every which direction, we're covered by the grace of God. He is my shield. You gotta go through my Father before you get to me.
Oh... did I say I had such an amazing day today?!?!?!?!
The garbage was picked up today, A relief.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I couldn't do this alone! That's for sure!
God is my stregth, He helped me up when I was down! Wow!
It's normal human emotions to feel like you've gone crazy after you were left out of the blue, with nothing to come home to. When things are said, and makes it even worse. And your financial status is depleted. The "crazy" inside is a normal reaction.
But now, as I lift my hands up high!!!... I'm thankful for the... well, trashman.
I was living a life of sin when I was married. I was in denial. Denial about not saying no about certain things because I was blinded by love. I would have done ANYTHING for that man. Anything! I should have put you first! I didn't. I let physical love take control of my life. When all I needed was spiritual love.
Today has been a WONDERFUL day!
Some thoughts had hit me hard while at church tonight. How in the world could it have linked to my situation!!!
***Feelings aren't true. Feelings aren't facts.
Good Advice: We could look at "trouble" as evil stuff OR we could look at "trouble" as a learning experience!
And passing over this Scripture today gave me chills down my spine!...
Don't be afraid, because you will not be ashamed.
Don't be embarassed, because you will not be disgraced.
You will forget the shame you felt earlier;
you will not remember the shame you felt when you lost your husband.
The God who made you is like your husband.
His name is the Lord All Powerful.
The Holy One of Isreal is the one who saves you.
He is called the God of all the earth.
You were like a woman whose husband left her,
and you were very sad.
You were like a wife who married young
and then her husband left her.
But the Lord called you to be his, says your God
God says I left you for a short time,
but with great kindness I will being you back again.
I became very angry and hid from you for a time,
but I will show you mercy with kindness forever,
says the Lord who saves you.
Isaiah 54:4-8
God is my stregth, He helped me up when I was down! Wow!
It's normal human emotions to feel like you've gone crazy after you were left out of the blue, with nothing to come home to. When things are said, and makes it even worse. And your financial status is depleted. The "crazy" inside is a normal reaction.
But now, as I lift my hands up high!!!... I'm thankful for the... well, trashman.
I was living a life of sin when I was married. I was in denial. Denial about not saying no about certain things because I was blinded by love. I would have done ANYTHING for that man. Anything! I should have put you first! I didn't. I let physical love take control of my life. When all I needed was spiritual love.
Today has been a WONDERFUL day!
Some thoughts had hit me hard while at church tonight. How in the world could it have linked to my situation!!!
***Feelings aren't true. Feelings aren't facts.
Good Advice: We could look at "trouble" as evil stuff OR we could look at "trouble" as a learning experience!
And passing over this Scripture today gave me chills down my spine!...
Don't be afraid, because you will not be ashamed.
Don't be embarassed, because you will not be disgraced.
You will forget the shame you felt earlier;
you will not remember the shame you felt when you lost your husband.
The God who made you is like your husband.
His name is the Lord All Powerful.
The Holy One of Isreal is the one who saves you.
He is called the God of all the earth.
You were like a woman whose husband left her,
and you were very sad.
You were like a wife who married young
and then her husband left her.
But the Lord called you to be his, says your God
God says I left you for a short time,
but with great kindness I will being you back again.
I became very angry and hid from you for a time,
but I will show you mercy with kindness forever,
says the Lord who saves you.
Isaiah 54:4-8
Over 5 hours! Phew!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
So it took my over 5 hours to hack into all my accounts! But I finally configured them! Yay!
All my passwords had been changed, but now it's back to normal. It took long enough!.. and I never want to go through that headache again, but I did it!
So now that it's midnight, 2 hours passed my bedtime, I'm finally going to shut the computer off and lay my head on my pillow and hold the teddy bear that Dillon held tight while he was here and fall fast asleep.
Tomorrow is a new day. A new chapter.
And it's supposed to rain.
Not a bad thing at all! It means good luck, from what I hear, in Italy.
Letting go was hard. WOW was it hard! But I see that it wasn't right for me in particular situations. I am blessed to how the Lord works in such mysterious way. Sometimes painful, but I know it's because he loves me and is getting me ready!
What it might be, I don't know. But I'm sure excited!
I was moving backwards, but now I'm moving forwards.
Thank you to my wonderful and loyal friends, who have been there all the way with all of this.
Heidi, for being there, encouraging me, not judging, for being such a beautiful friend. You are one in a million.
Cinty, maybe I should say 2 in a million. You me and Heidi could be like peas in a pod. You're love is endless and you have ALWAYS been there for me. You have gone far beyond out of your way to help me with such things as thing password deal and checking on licensing hours for Cali!
I'm really looking forward to moving there! You two are commited! I admire that about the both of you!!!!!
Emily, you have always been there, even when I pushed you away your prayers have been heard. Thank you so much for your encouragement! I love you so much. And new baby Caram is going to be the best addition ever. I pray for his/her complete health!
Stacey, you have welcomed me into your house during this painful trial. You have eased my mind with your sense of creativeness! I love that we were sewing up a storm. You are doing so good with the backpack, and I could have never made that teddy bear as good if it werent for you. I'm still on for the dancing session.
Stacy, my sister, I love you so much. If it werent for this tragedy, I don't know where we would stand. But I am grateful because I have my sister back! I love you and alway will. I miss those time you would pick me up from school, and you were the one to make sure my report card was signed and my homework was done. I love you and I could never ask for a better sister.
Mom, even you have been an encouragement. You have called me every single morning. Always at the same time on my way to school. I can't tell you how much that means to me! I love you with all my heart, and if I had all the money in the world, I'd get you a house and everything else you needed because you deserve to be pampered. One day mom, I promise I'll be there to make your dreams into a reality.
Kelly, you never stop caring! You are always there to lend a hug and listen to everything that's going on. I love you so much bestie. You are an amazingly smart girl! And I can't wait to see you conquer all your dreams!
Noel, Thank you for inviting me out everytime. Thank you for being there and understanding the situation, because you can relate to it. You are a great friend and I'm looking forward to hanging out many many more times! 2 times this week, not so bad of a start!
Vesta, my precious Vesta. Although you don't have a blogger or myspace or anything really, I still had to put you on here to say thank you for all of your prayers. You are such a prayer warrior! You are my mentor!!!
Pastor Ron, wow, what would I do without your counsel? It has helped me in so many ways. I know it will take several sessions to get me completely there, but I look forward to every session. Halfway through the week, I'm asking if it Monday yet for yet another session!
Mrs. Pickens, The list could go on! You have been there from day one! From the moment I was 100% happy in my marriage, all bragging about him and stuff... now to this. You have become a second mom to me. You are knowlegable about SO MANY diffrent things! Thank you for everything, I mean EVERYTHING you have done for me!
Mrs. Beggs, Holy Moly!!! PRAYER WARRIOR!!!!! All I have to say is I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!!!! You run the business better then anyone could! It can be challenging, and for as much as you go through DAILY... I don't know how you do it! I love you.
Ron Taylor, Thank you so much for encouraging me each morning. You have prayed for me and I am truly blessed. I have prayed for you as well. I can't say thank you enough.
Cindy Johnston, words can't describe how much you mean to me. Through all your hard work in the church, you're still there for me in every way. I love you, and it will be payed forward. You have planted seeds I'm starting to see grow.
BRING ON THE RAIN!!!
To more outstanding friends that I love dearly!!! I couldn't have done it without you.
Candace and Ross
Helen
Lennell
Ines
Alyssa
Chanel
Alexis from CSA
Robby
Joni
Valerie
Stephanie
Stephanie Day
Annette
Andi
Amanda
Michelle
CloAnn
And most importantly... God!
I love you all!
All my passwords had been changed, but now it's back to normal. It took long enough!.. and I never want to go through that headache again, but I did it!
So now that it's midnight, 2 hours passed my bedtime, I'm finally going to shut the computer off and lay my head on my pillow and hold the teddy bear that Dillon held tight while he was here and fall fast asleep.
Tomorrow is a new day. A new chapter.
And it's supposed to rain.
Not a bad thing at all! It means good luck, from what I hear, in Italy.
Letting go was hard. WOW was it hard! But I see that it wasn't right for me in particular situations. I am blessed to how the Lord works in such mysterious way. Sometimes painful, but I know it's because he loves me and is getting me ready!
What it might be, I don't know. But I'm sure excited!
I was moving backwards, but now I'm moving forwards.
Thank you to my wonderful and loyal friends, who have been there all the way with all of this.
Heidi, for being there, encouraging me, not judging, for being such a beautiful friend. You are one in a million.
Cinty, maybe I should say 2 in a million. You me and Heidi could be like peas in a pod. You're love is endless and you have ALWAYS been there for me. You have gone far beyond out of your way to help me with such things as thing password deal and checking on licensing hours for Cali!
I'm really looking forward to moving there! You two are commited! I admire that about the both of you!!!!!
Emily, you have always been there, even when I pushed you away your prayers have been heard. Thank you so much for your encouragement! I love you so much. And new baby Caram is going to be the best addition ever. I pray for his/her complete health!
Stacey, you have welcomed me into your house during this painful trial. You have eased my mind with your sense of creativeness! I love that we were sewing up a storm. You are doing so good with the backpack, and I could have never made that teddy bear as good if it werent for you. I'm still on for the dancing session.
Stacy, my sister, I love you so much. If it werent for this tragedy, I don't know where we would stand. But I am grateful because I have my sister back! I love you and alway will. I miss those time you would pick me up from school, and you were the one to make sure my report card was signed and my homework was done. I love you and I could never ask for a better sister.
Mom, even you have been an encouragement. You have called me every single morning. Always at the same time on my way to school. I can't tell you how much that means to me! I love you with all my heart, and if I had all the money in the world, I'd get you a house and everything else you needed because you deserve to be pampered. One day mom, I promise I'll be there to make your dreams into a reality.
Kelly, you never stop caring! You are always there to lend a hug and listen to everything that's going on. I love you so much bestie. You are an amazingly smart girl! And I can't wait to see you conquer all your dreams!
Noel, Thank you for inviting me out everytime. Thank you for being there and understanding the situation, because you can relate to it. You are a great friend and I'm looking forward to hanging out many many more times! 2 times this week, not so bad of a start!
Vesta, my precious Vesta. Although you don't have a blogger or myspace or anything really, I still had to put you on here to say thank you for all of your prayers. You are such a prayer warrior! You are my mentor!!!
Pastor Ron, wow, what would I do without your counsel? It has helped me in so many ways. I know it will take several sessions to get me completely there, but I look forward to every session. Halfway through the week, I'm asking if it Monday yet for yet another session!
Mrs. Pickens, The list could go on! You have been there from day one! From the moment I was 100% happy in my marriage, all bragging about him and stuff... now to this. You have become a second mom to me. You are knowlegable about SO MANY diffrent things! Thank you for everything, I mean EVERYTHING you have done for me!
Mrs. Beggs, Holy Moly!!! PRAYER WARRIOR!!!!! All I have to say is I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!!!! You run the business better then anyone could! It can be challenging, and for as much as you go through DAILY... I don't know how you do it! I love you.
Ron Taylor, Thank you so much for encouraging me each morning. You have prayed for me and I am truly blessed. I have prayed for you as well. I can't say thank you enough.
Cindy Johnston, words can't describe how much you mean to me. Through all your hard work in the church, you're still there for me in every way. I love you, and it will be payed forward. You have planted seeds I'm starting to see grow.
BRING ON THE RAIN!!!
To more outstanding friends that I love dearly!!! I couldn't have done it without you.
Candace and Ross
Helen
Lennell
Ines
Alyssa
Chanel
Alexis from CSA
Robby
Joni
Valerie
Stephanie
Stephanie Day
Annette
Andi
Amanda
Michelle
CloAnn
And most importantly... God!
I love you all!
You've been served
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Even through the pain, or pain I've encountered, I still find a way to trust.
"Can you be at the house tomorrow right after school? I might need to bring some more stuff by?"
I'm still taking this with a smile on my face, a smile provided by God. Because I know, I know, I KNOW this is just something I have to face in order to grow and get ready for something bigger, something better!
Do I forgive you? Of course! And because of God, never will I have the thought of this again. It's been forgiven. It's in the past. It's a decision. Wether right, or wrong. It's not my place anymore.
This is the actions when things are thought out. And not spiritually thought out.
But it's okay. Because I can see. I see hope. I see love. I am whole. I have not had the opportunity to be part of this decision making. But again, it's okay. I have dealt with it and couldn't have done it if God weren't by my side. He knows my heart.
You can get put in situations that you desire. You fall... hard.
Madly, deeply, crazy in love.
Your prayers have been answered.
Smiles, laughs, giggles, tickles, hugs, kisses, strength.
Things that have been forgotten by your forever.
love.
What happens when they fall apart.
When they quickly dissapear.
When your desires and dreams of one life love have been shattered.
When thoughts not of God came in place.
This is no game. There are 2 hearts involved.
Devil, you are not welcome here.
But,
You trust. Have faith. Continue to love. Learn from your mistakes. Let go.
I have given this all to ther Lord.
I will not let the devil defeat me.
I will stand strong. Love for God alone. Continue eating healthy. Look beautiful every single day. Workout consistantly. Submit all of me, words and actions to God. If it's not from God, shall I shut my mouth, shall I be still and pray for the right answers. Give 100% at school. Give 100% at work. Focus on each second, nothing before, nothing after. This is a lesson learned and God is my witness, I have more to give than ever before.
I have not given up. I never will.
My love remains, just 10 x's more of it.
Dear Jimmy,
I'm praying for you. Each and every day. I understand you weren't completely over your last divorce. It takes 1 year to every 4 years to get over her. That's almost 2 years. We married not even a year after your divorce.
My heart is involved, and I said "I do". Vows before God. I'm not asking you for anything at all, this is what you desire, and all I want is what makes you happy. I desire to see you happy. My love for you will continue until I'm laid to rest. May God bring peace within you. May He love you and hold you tight. May He repair you inside and out. I pray your complete healing from the last divorce, and I pray you find truth with this one.
Your tears show you still love me. And guess what? I still love you too.
Just know, that anytime you need me. If you need a hand to hold. If you're going through something that you need someones touch. My hands are here, but I cannot reach out to you. Stretch your arms out, and I'll be there.
Promise.
My heart is fireproof,
Julie Hayward
"Can you be at the house tomorrow right after school? I might need to bring some more stuff by?"
I'm still taking this with a smile on my face, a smile provided by God. Because I know, I know, I KNOW this is just something I have to face in order to grow and get ready for something bigger, something better!
Do I forgive you? Of course! And because of God, never will I have the thought of this again. It's been forgiven. It's in the past. It's a decision. Wether right, or wrong. It's not my place anymore.
This is the actions when things are thought out. And not spiritually thought out.
But it's okay. Because I can see. I see hope. I see love. I am whole. I have not had the opportunity to be part of this decision making. But again, it's okay. I have dealt with it and couldn't have done it if God weren't by my side. He knows my heart.
You can get put in situations that you desire. You fall... hard.
Madly, deeply, crazy in love.
Your prayers have been answered.
Smiles, laughs, giggles, tickles, hugs, kisses, strength.
Things that have been forgotten by your forever.
love.
What happens when they fall apart.
When they quickly dissapear.
When your desires and dreams of one life love have been shattered.
When thoughts not of God came in place.
This is no game. There are 2 hearts involved.
Devil, you are not welcome here.
But,
You trust. Have faith. Continue to love. Learn from your mistakes. Let go.
I have given this all to ther Lord.
I will not let the devil defeat me.
I will stand strong. Love for God alone. Continue eating healthy. Look beautiful every single day. Workout consistantly. Submit all of me, words and actions to God. If it's not from God, shall I shut my mouth, shall I be still and pray for the right answers. Give 100% at school. Give 100% at work. Focus on each second, nothing before, nothing after. This is a lesson learned and God is my witness, I have more to give than ever before.
I have not given up. I never will.
My love remains, just 10 x's more of it.
Dear Jimmy,
I'm praying for you. Each and every day. I understand you weren't completely over your last divorce. It takes 1 year to every 4 years to get over her. That's almost 2 years. We married not even a year after your divorce.
My heart is involved, and I said "I do". Vows before God. I'm not asking you for anything at all, this is what you desire, and all I want is what makes you happy. I desire to see you happy. My love for you will continue until I'm laid to rest. May God bring peace within you. May He love you and hold you tight. May He repair you inside and out. I pray your complete healing from the last divorce, and I pray you find truth with this one.
Your tears show you still love me. And guess what? I still love you too.
Just know, that anytime you need me. If you need a hand to hold. If you're going through something that you need someones touch. My hands are here, but I cannot reach out to you. Stretch your arms out, and I'll be there.
Promise.
My heart is fireproof,
Julie Hayward
Finding me
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Today I met Deidra Nylynn. She is known for her passion in makeup applications for famous faces. For example Dolly Pardon & Wynonna Judd, and not including how she even started in the industry as a makeup artist for the series of "Dallas". She as well has her own products out, including makeup.
I got to spend about an hour alone with her today just talking. About everything! She told me the places which would be great to start out. She could see the desire in my eyes. I was soakin' this all in!
First stop... Las Colinas.
The 3rd Largest Film Industry business in the Nation. Yay!
Next stop... a product distribution company off I35.
Oh, why does everything have to be so close! Trust me, I'm not complaining!
Thanks to my husband, I have become familiar with alot of ingredients! Which explains why I'm Vegan. Would I have gotten this far without him? Probably. Would I have done it within only a year period of time? Probably not. No, most definately not.
I'm thankful for the year I had and the knowledge I've gained. In many, many different aspects.
Another note... Clientel is picking up! I've been over-booked the entire week! Again, I'm so not complaining! I've met so many incredible people this week alone! God has some big things planned ahead. It had to take a couple of tragedys to figure that my life needed to make some changes, but He works in mysterious ways. And I'm very very very blessed.
I got to spend about an hour alone with her today just talking. About everything! She told me the places which would be great to start out. She could see the desire in my eyes. I was soakin' this all in!
First stop... Las Colinas.
The 3rd Largest Film Industry business in the Nation. Yay!
Next stop... a product distribution company off I35.
Oh, why does everything have to be so close! Trust me, I'm not complaining!
Thanks to my husband, I have become familiar with alot of ingredients! Which explains why I'm Vegan. Would I have gotten this far without him? Probably. Would I have done it within only a year period of time? Probably not. No, most definately not.
I'm thankful for the year I had and the knowledge I've gained. In many, many different aspects.
Another note... Clientel is picking up! I've been over-booked the entire week! Again, I'm so not complaining! I've met so many incredible people this week alone! God has some big things planned ahead. It had to take a couple of tragedys to figure that my life needed to make some changes, but He works in mysterious ways. And I'm very very very blessed.
Love Dare
Monday, March 16, 2009
So I stopped by Lifeway Christian Stores today and bought these "Love Dare Cards".
I initially wasn't going to buy them, until I asked the girl behind the register if I could open one to read a couple of cards. She politely said "Sure!" So I did.
The very first card... "Dare 1" caught my attention.
We're all in relationships, wether intimate or not, I thought this would be good enough to share with everyday people living everyday ordinary lives.
Dare 1:
The first part of this dare is simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.
"The Love Dare"
I second that. Tomorrow is my day 1, dare 1. ;)
This is from a girl with expertise in regretting words that have been spoken, so trust me please when I say... take this little bit of advise, and cherish it with your entire heart.
I initially wasn't going to buy them, until I asked the girl behind the register if I could open one to read a couple of cards. She politely said "Sure!" So I did.
The very first card... "Dare 1" caught my attention.
We're all in relationships, wether intimate or not, I thought this would be good enough to share with everyday people living everyday ordinary lives.
Dare 1:
The first part of this dare is simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.
"The Love Dare"
I second that. Tomorrow is my day 1, dare 1. ;)
This is from a girl with expertise in regretting words that have been spoken, so trust me please when I say... take this little bit of advise, and cherish it with your entire heart.
Press on
The words of the wise... "Press on"
During this journey, the construction on this gravel road, there will eventually be pavement. I can't quite see where the road gets smoother, but I know it's near. It may take me 1000 miles to get there, but it may also only take 10. But either way, the road I'm on right now should be a blessing. Who else gets to see all these thousands of stones? Who else gets to feel all these thousands of bumbs? Nevertheless, I've come to accept what is laid in front of me. Wether I like it or not. ~Julie
No one can determine who I can be.
My past can't determine who I want to be, who I desire to be.
I've got to be strong for myself, before I'm strong for anyone else.
Focus on becoming whole.
Because now, I am broken.
No one can fill that void in my life.
Submit my words to the Lord.
When emotions are present, Trust in the Lord, and submit yourself and your words to Him.
Desire to be submissive in all things.
I saw Jimmy today, and seen that it has not only taken a toll on my life but on his as well. He had lost alot of weight and was more pale then I ever had seen him.
The mind plays tricks on you. The whole time my thoughts made up these stories that he was living a high life since he's been gone.
Today proved me wrong.
So today, as I continue this life-long journey on this gravel road, maybe I'll stop here and there to pick up a couple of stones. Keep them in my back pocket, to look back and just to remember how far I've come.
During this journey, the construction on this gravel road, there will eventually be pavement. I can't quite see where the road gets smoother, but I know it's near. It may take me 1000 miles to get there, but it may also only take 10. But either way, the road I'm on right now should be a blessing. Who else gets to see all these thousands of stones? Who else gets to feel all these thousands of bumbs? Nevertheless, I've come to accept what is laid in front of me. Wether I like it or not. ~Julie
No one can determine who I can be.
My past can't determine who I want to be, who I desire to be.
I've got to be strong for myself, before I'm strong for anyone else.
Focus on becoming whole.
Because now, I am broken.
No one can fill that void in my life.
Submit my words to the Lord.
When emotions are present, Trust in the Lord, and submit yourself and your words to Him.
Desire to be submissive in all things.
I saw Jimmy today, and seen that it has not only taken a toll on my life but on his as well. He had lost alot of weight and was more pale then I ever had seen him.
The mind plays tricks on you. The whole time my thoughts made up these stories that he was living a high life since he's been gone.
Today proved me wrong.
So today, as I continue this life-long journey on this gravel road, maybe I'll stop here and there to pick up a couple of stones. Keep them in my back pocket, to look back and just to remember how far I've come.
Funeral
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
As some things we don't understand in the bible, nor might you this.
My love has died. I visited his funeral today.
I lay him to rest with prayers and blessings upon him.
May Heaven be present in his life, may we rejoice in his happiness.
Lord, heal my heart from the death of my husband.
May I carry his love and his name and show his teachings to the world.
May your wisdom, strength and love shine through me.
May it blossom and bloom of the things I've learned and forget and rebuke the things that were before him.
As I grow from this experience, allow me to shine for you,
To grow, and be the best mother as my baby sees the light in me.
Let the strength and light pass to him.
Let him never to give up.
Love is everlasting.
My love remains.
Only God can raise the dead.
And when God tells me my heart is ready,
let Heaven come to my front door.
Written By: Julie Hayward
03-11-09
My love has died. I visited his funeral today.
I lay him to rest with prayers and blessings upon him.
May Heaven be present in his life, may we rejoice in his happiness.
Lord, heal my heart from the death of my husband.
May I carry his love and his name and show his teachings to the world.
May your wisdom, strength and love shine through me.
May it blossom and bloom of the things I've learned and forget and rebuke the things that were before him.
As I grow from this experience, allow me to shine for you,
To grow, and be the best mother as my baby sees the light in me.
Let the strength and light pass to him.
Let him never to give up.
Love is everlasting.
My love remains.
Only God can raise the dead.
And when God tells me my heart is ready,
let Heaven come to my front door.
Written By: Julie Hayward
03-11-09
flesh vs spirit
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Sometimes we do things and deep inside our heart we know by God it's wrong, but we convince ourselves that it is okay, and we talk to our friends about the problems we're facing, because if their on your side, you feel better about the situation, giving you the go-ahead. But don't make yourself out to be the bad guy, because they won't give you the answer your flesh is looking for.
Does it make it right?
A week ago, prior to this lifestyle I now live, I used to do just this.
But by coming to the Lord, and reaching out to Him for ALL of my problems, I've FINALLY see that now I'm not afraid to hide what's wrong about me! And I just read in the bible the other day (I apologize for not remembering the book or scipture) but it shows us that we need to come before the Lord as unclean. How we need to not make ourselves out to be this person we aren't.
So be honest. When you make a promise before God, do what your spirit desires and not your flesh. It may be the hardest thing in the world, and you may feel as if the worlds view may change about you... but that's not God telling you that!
Be honest. Be true. God will bless you.
My love remains.
Does it make it right?
A week ago, prior to this lifestyle I now live, I used to do just this.
But by coming to the Lord, and reaching out to Him for ALL of my problems, I've FINALLY see that now I'm not afraid to hide what's wrong about me! And I just read in the bible the other day (I apologize for not remembering the book or scipture) but it shows us that we need to come before the Lord as unclean. How we need to not make ourselves out to be this person we aren't.
So be honest. When you make a promise before God, do what your spirit desires and not your flesh. It may be the hardest thing in the world, and you may feel as if the worlds view may change about you... but that's not God telling you that!
Be honest. Be true. God will bless you.
My love remains.
Letter
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Passionate now more than ever before.
As my heart has changed for the Lord, may my husbands as well.
God is the creator.
I believe in Him. That's why I married.
A moment to look back on.
Jimmy did so much to prepare for our wedding.
And we were blessed by many.
Grandma Hayward gracefully blessed our wedding. She went on to be with the Lord shortly after our wedding.
We only have a short time here on earth.
A short time to be faithful in our marriage, by being honest to God that when we say until death do us part, we really mean it.
We heard from the guests at our wedding the Lord was present.
Our wedding was the most beautiful wedding!
And he looked so indescribably handsome when I first started down the isle.
Things get rocky at times.
But the strong and faithful will stick through!
And I know that he and I are strong and faithful.
I know him too well to believe anything else.
So as God works on me, let the power as well work on my amazing undying loving husband!
Like I've said over and over...
"You can count on me that I'm not going anywhere"
This is a promise I made, a promise I'll keep.
I love you Jimmy for everything you've done, and how strong you are with all you're going through to be obedient to our Lord.
You're one amazing man.
As my heart has changed for the Lord, may my husbands as well.
God is the creator.
I believe in Him. That's why I married.
A moment to look back on.
Jimmy did so much to prepare for our wedding.
And we were blessed by many.
Grandma Hayward gracefully blessed our wedding. She went on to be with the Lord shortly after our wedding.
We only have a short time here on earth.
A short time to be faithful in our marriage, by being honest to God that when we say until death do us part, we really mean it.
We heard from the guests at our wedding the Lord was present.
Our wedding was the most beautiful wedding!
And he looked so indescribably handsome when I first started down the isle.
Things get rocky at times.
But the strong and faithful will stick through!
And I know that he and I are strong and faithful.
I know him too well to believe anything else.
So as God works on me, let the power as well work on my amazing undying loving husband!
Like I've said over and over...
"You can count on me that I'm not going anywhere"
This is a promise I made, a promise I'll keep.
I love you Jimmy for everything you've done, and how strong you are with all you're going through to be obedient to our Lord.
You're one amazing man.
The sparkle in my eye is back
Friday, March 6, 2009
God has shown me alot within the past week!
I've faced alot of trials. Alot of pain.
I'm so happy I have such a faithful and loving Father!
Sometimes we get all down when were going through alot. Sometimes we think we just can't handle it anymore. Sometimes we have feelings of giving up.
God has a time. A moment for us all. Sometimes as we grow, people comment to us the things we need to change. Speaking for myself, I was so stubborn, I didn't see those things... or I didn't want to see those things.
God has a time. A moment for us all.
Last Sunday was my moment. The very moment when He embraced my heart.
Instead of looking at what everyone else around me is doing, I now focus on bettering me. Making good decisions for not only myself, but for those I love.
To not be so selfish.
To be more graceful.
To be more apologetic.
To be more peaceful.
To be more at ease.
To be more Christ-like.
Unfortunately it took divorce papers for me to see this. But I am thankful.
My goal is to be all the above and as well to be the best wife (as long as I will be one) and the best mother until the day I'm put to rest.
I'm a new woman now. With new eyes. I see more clearly. More than I ever have before.
God is... words can't even describe!
Lord, I asked you to bring it! You did, you have and you are!
I have been tested. And I can actually see them. There are times like today, when someone said something... and I felt so good at the end and prayed afterwards because I know it was a test I passed!!!
This is just the beginning! I'm looking forward to learning more. Surround myself with people that are great wifes, great mothers and Christ-like.
On a different note, I brought my creation of a masquing product (mask) to school. I created this mask for an after cleansing process.
I made it with some essential ingredients such as lavender, eucalyptus & almond.
The instructor told me I needed to patent it. It made me feel very blessed for my hard work in making it.
I plan on naming this product line... "Generation Purity"
So when you see this on the shelves, pick it up, and know it's made with the love that was created by God. Because He IS Love!
I've faced alot of trials. Alot of pain.
I'm so happy I have such a faithful and loving Father!
Sometimes we get all down when were going through alot. Sometimes we think we just can't handle it anymore. Sometimes we have feelings of giving up.
God has a time. A moment for us all. Sometimes as we grow, people comment to us the things we need to change. Speaking for myself, I was so stubborn, I didn't see those things... or I didn't want to see those things.
God has a time. A moment for us all.
Last Sunday was my moment. The very moment when He embraced my heart.
Instead of looking at what everyone else around me is doing, I now focus on bettering me. Making good decisions for not only myself, but for those I love.
To not be so selfish.
To be more graceful.
To be more apologetic.
To be more peaceful.
To be more at ease.
To be more Christ-like.
Unfortunately it took divorce papers for me to see this. But I am thankful.
My goal is to be all the above and as well to be the best wife (as long as I will be one) and the best mother until the day I'm put to rest.
I'm a new woman now. With new eyes. I see more clearly. More than I ever have before.
God is... words can't even describe!
Lord, I asked you to bring it! You did, you have and you are!
I have been tested. And I can actually see them. There are times like today, when someone said something... and I felt so good at the end and prayed afterwards because I know it was a test I passed!!!
This is just the beginning! I'm looking forward to learning more. Surround myself with people that are great wifes, great mothers and Christ-like.
On a different note, I brought my creation of a masquing product (mask) to school. I created this mask for an after cleansing process.
I made it with some essential ingredients such as lavender, eucalyptus & almond.
The instructor told me I needed to patent it. It made me feel very blessed for my hard work in making it.
I plan on naming this product line... "Generation Purity"
So when you see this on the shelves, pick it up, and know it's made with the love that was created by God. Because He IS Love!
Construction Ahead
Monday, March 2, 2009
Please Yield.
Relief. There have been answered prayers. I feel them within myself.
It was an extremely painful week, I'm not going to lie, but I needed it. I needed every bit of it.
Yesterday was a start to my new journey. It seems as if I can breathe better. It seems as if I'm healthier then I ever have been.
When this all began I cried and cried. I now see that even pass the pain, I was selfishly crying for me, when I should have been crying for the ones I loved because of the pain I've put them through.
I realized that it had become a natural habit for me that even though I had apologized for some of the things I had said or done, I would point fingers right back and say "We'll, you did this so you should apologize for this".
God has shown me that I need to be responsible for only my actions. To not point fingers on others mistakes. That would be calling me a hypocrite. To focus on me unless it is to uplift. It is my responsibility to be Christ-like to those around me. To uplift, to be pleasant, to be honest, to be reliable, to be responsible, to honor and protect my family.
I asked for forgiveness.
I love my God. My Father.
So although this past week was the beginning of this construction, I've got some more gravel to haul. I've taken things for granted and I'm seeing them everyday. I still need to go through this rough journey alone for now. To see what all I've taken for granted. It's hard, but I asked God to bring it! I need it. I'll do it for my family.
With every bit of love I have,
Julie Hayward
Relief. There have been answered prayers. I feel them within myself.
It was an extremely painful week, I'm not going to lie, but I needed it. I needed every bit of it.
Yesterday was a start to my new journey. It seems as if I can breathe better. It seems as if I'm healthier then I ever have been.
When this all began I cried and cried. I now see that even pass the pain, I was selfishly crying for me, when I should have been crying for the ones I loved because of the pain I've put them through.
I realized that it had become a natural habit for me that even though I had apologized for some of the things I had said or done, I would point fingers right back and say "We'll, you did this so you should apologize for this".
God has shown me that I need to be responsible for only my actions. To not point fingers on others mistakes. That would be calling me a hypocrite. To focus on me unless it is to uplift. It is my responsibility to be Christ-like to those around me. To uplift, to be pleasant, to be honest, to be reliable, to be responsible, to honor and protect my family.
I asked for forgiveness.
I love my God. My Father.
So although this past week was the beginning of this construction, I've got some more gravel to haul. I've taken things for granted and I'm seeing them everyday. I still need to go through this rough journey alone for now. To see what all I've taken for granted. It's hard, but I asked God to bring it! I need it. I'll do it for my family.
With every bit of love I have,
Julie Hayward
Today
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Today was a hard day at church. I ache.
I asked God to forgive those things I said to Jimmy, so I will know in my heart, I finally have done the right thing.
I can't speak for Jimmy. I don't know what's going on in his life. He has his own relationship with God.
As for an answer?
I don't know the answers to anything yet.
I pray that his family will be healed by this whole thing, because I know they hurt too.
I'm sorry Chris.
I'm sorry Karen.
I'm sorry Alison.
I'm sorry Johnathan.
I take responsibility for my actions, my words, my behavior.
I'm human, and the only thing I can do is ask you for forgiveness.
Although Jimmy wont forgive me now, I pray that one day in his heart, he'll somehow find a way to get ahold of me and let me know that he does forgive me.
I miss him. I truly do. Even through all the heartache.
Even through everything that has been said or done to.
I forgive you.
I fell on my knees at church today. I couldn't get up. Worship had me focus on my priorities. I can only apologize so much.
The first year of marriage is supposed to be hard. We've both said things that got under eachothers skin.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes. God HATES divorce.
I love him. I'm willing to fight for our marriage.
If we can get through this, we can get through anything.
But it takes him to want to fight with me.
I want to love, cherish, be a good wife. I desire to be a good wife for him. As much as he may doubt it now. I enhale Proverbs 31 as if I can never let it go.
My love remains.
I asked God to forgive those things I said to Jimmy, so I will know in my heart, I finally have done the right thing.
I can't speak for Jimmy. I don't know what's going on in his life. He has his own relationship with God.
As for an answer?
I don't know the answers to anything yet.
I pray that his family will be healed by this whole thing, because I know they hurt too.
I'm sorry Chris.
I'm sorry Karen.
I'm sorry Alison.
I'm sorry Johnathan.
I take responsibility for my actions, my words, my behavior.
I'm human, and the only thing I can do is ask you for forgiveness.
Although Jimmy wont forgive me now, I pray that one day in his heart, he'll somehow find a way to get ahold of me and let me know that he does forgive me.
I miss him. I truly do. Even through all the heartache.
Even through everything that has been said or done to.
I forgive you.
I fell on my knees at church today. I couldn't get up. Worship had me focus on my priorities. I can only apologize so much.
The first year of marriage is supposed to be hard. We've both said things that got under eachothers skin.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes. God HATES divorce.
I love him. I'm willing to fight for our marriage.
If we can get through this, we can get through anything.
But it takes him to want to fight with me.
I want to love, cherish, be a good wife. I desire to be a good wife for him. As much as he may doubt it now. I enhale Proverbs 31 as if I can never let it go.
My love remains.
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About Me
- Jules
- This story is about a girl that loves LOVE! Where would we be without it? I love Jesus. I love Dillon. I love dancing. I love the stars. I love singing. I love makeup & stilettos. I love fashion. I love to cook. I love photography. I love cycling, running, swimming, hiking, checking facebook friend status updates, jumping on the trampoline, going to church,I love connecting with other women who have encountered pain as I had, volunteering, watching movies, planting flowers, drawing, sewing, scrapbooking, Versa Spa, Vita-C Serum, Black finger nail polish, perfecting things. I love being totally RaNdOm! TRAVELING!!! I love sinners. I love nonbelievers. Oh the joy it brings inside this heart of mine the reaction they're going to have when they see Jesus face to face! What a party we'll have!
