Dear Girl, There is hope.

If you're a girl and reading this, I want you to know you're not alone, and even though I may not know you... I love you.

Sometimes we go through such difficult trials. We hear so many bad words. And when they're ones that should know better then anyone else, it hurts even more. It makes it even harder to find that trust again. It's hard to look at people the same way. We hear that we are liars when we never lied. We hear we're in denial, when they have not a clue. People steal from us, and our children. A man that you might trust with your life... to throw you out with a pack of wolves.

...to literally feel like you've been eaten alive.

When you change your identity for someone because you love them, and it's all just... gone. Thousands that you inherited from family, sold. You have nothing left. He didn't care to leave you with a dime. Because in his heart, it's owed to him.

He doesn't tell you you're pretty enough, but tells you that you need to drop to a certain weight by a certain time period. He tells you that you don't take care of yourself, when you spend hours in front of the mirror preparing for the day. You workout at the minimum 2 times a day, not for yourself, but the man you love, just to make him happy. You research foods and change your entire ways of eating because now... for the first time, he shows you some positive attention, and finally tells you how smart you are. But don't you dare ask what a word might mean... he will tell you to "go look it up in the dictionary" and call you stupid and all kinds of mean words.

You're beat down to a point to where you don't even have the desire to breathe anymore.

The pain might be excruciating. The pain might be overwhelming. But you know... you KNOW you can't stop! You HAVE to keep going!

I didn't feel worthy when I was married. I didn't feel beautiful. I didn't feel like I amounted to anything. When you give so much, for the other to give back so little, ...take away, it's challenging to find warmth in someone again.

I've had to find myself again. It wasn't an overnight process. It took days, and weeks, and months to even begin to heal!

...but when you get to that "happy place" where you find complete happiness within. And you just KNOW you can conquer the world on your own!... it's an amazing feeling.

I'm not saying everything is perfect. My finances are still shot from the divorce. It will take me some time to recover, but you just can't ever give up! When you know you did everything you could do, and you did it the right way, then that's all that matters. God is on your side. And He will take care of what needs to be taken care of. That being you... and the ones who've harmed you.

Love yourself. Do things for YOU and NO ONE ELSE!
If you want to work out, ONLY do it for YOU!
If you want to eat, Go at it girl!
If you want leave your shoes out in the living room, leave 2 pairs of your gorgeous stilettos, it'll give the room a little shazamm!
If your heart feels wrong from other peoples choices... YOU STEP IN!!!
You have the RIGHT as a child of God to speak up!

If I could go back in time, that would have been one thing I would have changed. Was to be ME and respect my own opinion!

Now I love myself fully. Every part of me. Every inch of me. Every drop of me.
I know how incredibly intelligent I am! And I don't have to have a man tell me that! I know how full of love I am! And whoever is in my past... It's your loss.
I am capable of doing anything. I'm not opposed to anything which gives me the opportunities and creativity to do anything in the entire world!

Love yourself. All of you. You are soooooooooo worth it! And don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

So much to do! So little time!

Dillon has been sleeping in my bed every night. I love it. I told him that when school starts, he's going to have to go back to his own bed. I don't really want him to, but I know it has to be done.

Before we go to bed, we go over our daily planners to organize the following day. Then we cuddle and fall asleep with our legs all wrapped around the others. I like to put my arm over him and squeeze him tight. When we wake up in the morning, he looks at me and smiles. I love it. We're complete.

Before I was a bit scared to let him start sleeping in my bed because he used to wet the bed almost every single night. He doesn't at all now and I see the reason why he did. He was so scared of a particular individual who would give him a spanking for wetting the bed. "He" used this dollar size coin, and if the mark on his underwear were bigger than that coin,.. that would be considered wetting the bed.

Dillon nor I ever did anything right. Always punished first before ever being lifted up. I think we were both worn out.

Things are so wonderful now. We're happier then we ever have been =)
So so sooooooo incredibly indescibably happy!

There's a person at church that I became kinda close friends with. We both attend church regularly, Sun's, Wed's, Thurs, and Volunteer. He's nice and makes me feel beautiful.

We all ran the turkey trot together, 3.2 miles in 27.5 minutes. Not including that there were 2 crazy hills! I also met the girl that was a part of Jimmy's life, that I had forgave, and my son met hers. God is good.
Then the following day, we all met up on downtown to watch the parade of lights. It was beautiful.
Then yesterday (haha) we went hiking at the Fort Worth Nature Center. We got to see Buffalo, prairie dogs and deer. We love the outdoors!

Here are some shots from the past week events:







God is good.
I'm looking forward to the Jungle Bell Run that is coming up this weekend! Jerod might be wearing a Santa Suite. I'd sure like to see that! lol
Dillon chose to get an Elf hat to wear. I don't know what my theme will be yet. We'll see.

Two by Two

Sooo... last night I talked to a friend from church for about an hour.
I don't remember how we met... other than just a simple "good morning" and a shake of a hand at church.

I'm not close to the "dating" scene yet, but I am at the point where I'm beginning to test the trust. My heart desires to trust sooooo bad!

During our phone conversation last night we talked about several things. Some things that hit SO ON TARGET!!!

I told him things that I didn't like during my marriage. That I'd NEVER (people say "never say never" but I MEAN never!!!) go through again in a relationship.

When my ex and I were "together", we really weren't "together". In my mind, no other man existed. I didn't care about anything else in the whole wide world but to please him entirly.
Now looking back, all I see from him is that he not only took advantage of that but wanted more, more then I felt comfortable to give. It just kept growing in time! I always talked to him about how I didn't like the way he talked to me (made up stories and words even), and how I didn't like particular things. He would gracefully apologize and say it wouldn't happen again,... yet step by step, sneak his way back to same thing. In his heart, it never stopped.

So by talking to this guy, it kind of gives me hope once again. This guy said to me that there are guys who do like things like that, but he is one that really doesn't think it's enticing/appealing or even attractive. Then what he said really hit on target. He said when he gets married, he just wants it to be him and his wife. His words, "This may sound funny, but I'll be selfish with my wife, no way in the world would I want to ~share~ her with ANYONE".

I can't tell you how SPECCCCIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL that makes a woman feel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For a marriage to consist of ONLY TWO... I REPEAT... ONLY TWOOOOO PEOPLE is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

Real men really do exist!



I'll give this blog a WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! lol

I believe God made it Two by Two for a reason.

(Oops. On the original posting, I had on the invitation the party scheduled for Aug. It's not. I corrected it. lol)

My Life in a Music Nutshell

It has taken some time to gather all these songs and put them in order and in the moments of my life where the meaning of each song was at it strongest. I have compiled many, dating back to 1996, but I thought I'd just start at 2007 for now. If you ever have a chance to listen to these... this is my life as you know it.

2007:
January-
February-
March-
April-
May- Mya, Case of the Ex
June- The Fray, Over My Head
July- Jimmy EatWorld, Say Hello Forever
August- (breakup w/R) Linkin Park, Shadow of the Day
September- Casting Crowns, I'll Praise You in This Storm
October- (Met Jimmy) Lifehouse, Everything
November- Rob Thomas, Ever The Same
December- (Engaged) Brad Paisley, He Didn't Have to Be

2008:
January- Britney Spears, Breathe On Me
February- (Married)LeAnn Rimes, On The Side Of Angels &
Shania Twain, From This Moment
March- Janet Jackson, That's The Way Love Goes
April- Destiny's Child, Cater 2 U
May- Boys2Men, Make It Last
June- Beyonce', Desperately In Love
July- Tamia, So Into You
August- Justin Timberlake/Beyonce', Until The End of Time
September- Jojo or SWV, Weak
October- Christina Milian, Highway
November- 2Pac, California Love
December- Out of Eden, Do You Hear What I hear

2009:
January- Usher/Jeezy, Love in This Club
February- (He left)Evans Blue, Ecliped
March- Kelly Clarkson, Addicted
April- Ciara, Like a Boy
May- Three Days Grace, Never Too Late
June- Jason Upton, Faith
July- Jeremy Camp, I Still Believe
August- (Divorce Finalized)Leona Lewis, Take a Bow
September- Britney Spears, Touch Of My Hand
October- Toni Braxton, Let It Flow
November- Sidewalk Prophets, The Words I Would Say
December-

Honest w/ Myself

Sometimes being honest with yourself is hard to do.

I can honestly say I've spent quality time with myself. Taken myself on dates. Appreciating me. And facing my feelings of things that have occurred in this life of mine.

Sometimes you want to move ahead. Forget what has happened. Be done with it. Start brand new. Be a new you.

Yes, it may seem like my emotions towards the divorce has dragged out for quite some time. I've been facing every emotion, every tear, embracing every hug, every prayer, on a daily basis since February 26th. I'm not a cheater, and although I've been physically cheated on... I will not emotionally, which is why I cannot give any part of me to another man for some time. I would cheat him out of all that I could give. And I just need that time to be only "me". And of course with my amazing Dillon, my son.

Things are going to be fun, just he and I for awhile. I wouldn't be bothered if it were forever. But I do know one day he will move on. Marry. Have a wife and maybe children. Oh goodness! I'm only 27, let's talk about something else!

So, just remember... there is absolutely nothing better then to be honest with yourself. No matter how long it can possibly take. I'm not going to cheat my one day most amazing husband in the whole world out of something that belongs to him. He deserves me as whole. And I am still healing.

Sheesh, this wound is deeper then I ever thought were possible! That doesn't mean every day has been excruciating. I've had an incredible time too. I just know the right moments to be able to reflect back on what has happened and properly emotionally deal with it.

So, if you're reading this, and struggling with loneliness... just remember you are beautiful. I think you are. Most importantly God thinks you are. You may have come across this blog from the other side of the world, but at this very moment that you're taking a breath... I'm taking one too. That is the closest I can get to giving you a hug.



PS. It's okay to have those feelings. It's normal. We all have them. Just know who truly makes you complete as you are. No one else does. You are beautiful as you are.

Struck...

I was struck in the locker room at the gym, first by the beat... but when the words began, I couldn't move. My workout was on standstill. This song replicates my feelings towards the man I onced loved.

Characteristics

So today is my last session at my counselors office. Boo. I'm supposed to turn in this list of characteristics I want and don't want in a guy. I'm not going to leave anything out. This is me. If it offends, I'm sorry. It's just how I honestly feel.
This is our first session to be talking about anything I want in someone, so don't take this as I am looking, because I'm still not ready, and won't be for some time.

1. Always calls to find out how your day is going.
2. Doesn't have a problem with apologizing when he knows he is wrong.
3. Will forgive and forget when you apologize for hurting his feelings!
4. Will NOT tell me that I need to apologize. I'm a grown woman, I can do it on my own.
5. Remembers important dates, for I hope its as important to him as it is to me =)
6. Surprises you with gifts (doesn't have to be bought), even when the occasion is not special. (Loves dancing in the kitchen, and receiving notes)
7. Tells you regularly that he loves you.
8. Knows how to caress, hug, kiss and fulfill your heart’s romantic desires.
9. Feels your pain when you go through hard times.
10. Loves to see you happy and rejoices with you.
11. Always makes quality time to spend with you.
12. Will never physically or emotionally abuse you.
13. Will not use your weaknesses against you. And his secrets against you!
14. Is patient and willing to work on your relationship problems.
15. Knows that it is important for you to spend time with your friends and family members.
16. Will always respect you in the presence (even not in the presence) of his friends and family members.
17. LOVES learning new things!
18. Enjoys doing projects together (mowing, gardening, music, working out)
19. Preferably not in debt.
20.Understands the value of financial responsibility
21. Enjoys giving an extra hand in helping you with chores around the house.
22. Enjoys the company of family and friends.
23. Supports your dreams and ambitions.
24. Never puts you down when talking to you.
25. Doesn't play the blame game.
26. Will not cheat on you (get on dating sites while you re MARRIED)
27. Despises Porn
28. Doesn't drink.
29. Thinks of you as the only woman on earth.
30. Believes LOVE is the most amazing gift.
31. Knows how to make love to you, for I don't know what passionate lovemaking feels like.
32. Cares a great deal about your thoughts, feelings and opinions.
33. Is always available to help when you need him.
34. Knows that his way is not the only way.
35. Someone who desires to make the world a better place. (involved)
36. Is not "TOUGH" but "broken".

Novemberrrrr

I've been wanting to write, but I got this little thing on my computer called a "virus". You know how that goes. Well, things are better. Better then usual actually.

Dillon is home for the weekends now, and because of so much time apart, he didn't want to sleep in his bedroom. And I didn't make him. So he fell asleep on my arm in my room watching cartoons. I might have actually fallen asleep before him. It was the first time in over 8 months that I fell asleep so easily.

We had a blast this past weekend. There was a festival that 7 churches threw together in South Fort Worth. It was really awesome! There was one "bounce house" in particular that Dillon enjoyed. He got to compete against an opponent of his choice. It reminded me of that show that I think we all used to watch called "American Gladiators". He got to challenge 4 individuals. And it was so cool to watch! He won all 4 challenges. And there was a pretty stout Hispanic boy too, that I thought was going to whoop him. Not to brag or anything,... my son won all 4 challenges. lol.

On to another little tidbit of info. Kind of saddened in a way. My counselor is kicking me out of the office. Boo. She's been wonderful. Helped me in so many ways. Last Wed. she told me to put together characteristics of what I like and don't like in a "guy". Then closer to the end of the session, she told me that she thinks that this session would be my last until I politely interrupted her saying I have to bring back my homework! She said "that's right". So I have one more session left. She says I don't need anymore, that all my priorities, wants, and needs are aligned. I've really enjoyed my time with her, and I have learned alot from a woman's perspective.

November is going to be a very busy month! Preparing to be just a family of 2. New school (private or public?), new job, birthdays, holidays, Fort Worth's Turkey Trot, Feed the homeless, planning movie outings with the church, still practicing guitar, voice lessons, my business that I'll be doing on the side, just so much! And I am so very very happy.