May 29th

So, this is how my day started.

My daily devotional.

"Prayer is one of the most important ways in which we can "bear another's burdens" (Galatians 6:2). You might not be able to bear someone's financial burden, or the burden of their poor health, unhappy marriage, or problem child, but you can pray for them to have provision, be healed, find restoration, or defeat a rebellious spirit."
Jack Hayford


Happy Birthday, to a man I once knew, and would have died for.

The Perfect Gentleman

There is a special guy in my life.

He is always there for me, and I there for him.

I'm in love.

I never thought this day would come.
Where I could give all of me again.
But I have found trust again, in only one.
I have never been more in love.
He always smiles when I see him.
He always gives me the best huggable hug.
The best kisses.
The purest love.

This guy is the only gentleman I know.
That I have met.
He opens the door for me.
He's always telling me how beautiful I am.
He accepts me and his love never ends.
He is a son of God.
He doesn't just show it, he lives it.
When he says I love you, he means it.
He's a natural gentleman.
It's not just what he's been taught,
he was born to be this way.

I'm in love with him.

He is so athletic.
He is funny.
He likes tickle fights.
He enjoys all sports.
He has so much going for him!

This guy is the most special guy in my life.
In the world.
I hate that I can't see him near enough.
I can't stand being away from him.
His joy fills each corner of every room.
He's one that you could trust.
He's one that would never turn his back on you.
You can trust him with your life.
You have no worries around him.
You're at home.

I KNOW that there are still good guys out there...
Because I have the best one.

I love this true gentleman.
He is so strong.
He deserves the best!
And I'm going to give him the best!

This incredible indescribable
one of a kind gentleman, is my son.
Dillon.

There's no one in the world like him.

Judgement

You know how there are those times when you're not thinking about anything in particular and something just pops in your head?

You could be just waking up from bed, or you could be in the car... or you might even be sitting in church. Who knows where you are, there are absolutely no thoughts going on and something all of a sudden pops in your head and the picture becomes even more clear.

So the reason why I call this blog "Judgement" is based on judging one another. You know... I've always taken it in a negative way. Because that's the only way I have heard it. It's the only way I have seen it. It's the only way I have ALLOWED myself to see judgement.

So one day, thinking of absolutely NOTHING, God opens my eyes to what I have judged. I judged my soon to be ex husband. Ew, as much as I hate to see that. "Ex husband" just doesn't sound right. ANYWAYS, yes, I judged him.

Not necessarily in a negative way, but in a positive way. Sound weird?

Well, God showed me that you don't judge a book by it's cover. True. I've heard that before.

I judged Jimmy. He had (still does) amazing parents. Although I am not their daughter anymore, I will still love them as my only earthly parents. Okay, the point I am making is that his parents are incredible. I love them more then they know. But before I loved them, before I even met them, I judged based on their description. Jimmy's dad is a pastor, and a president of this world wide ministry. How could you not trust these peoples son with your life! I mean... they raised him right! There's no one better to marry then a man who you know wont hurt you. Who couldn't even hurt a fly.

So the journey began with a judgement.
A judgement of a pastors son. Raised up to a higher standard. Knowing that if I married this man, it would be biblical and last forever.

Man, was I in the pitts of denial. Why did I lift one up to be better then another? No one is better then anyone else on this planet. Although he was my "future husband" at the time, I should have never given that control. Only God can be my God. Jimmy was my idol. I apologize sincerely God!
No matter how amazing, and incredible the parents, and no matter how much time and love they put into a this amazing child... when this child becomes an Adult, he now faces his own decisions. His own beliefs. And chooses his own surroundings.

So judgement, as you can see, can be bad and can as well be intended for good. But in reality... be careful of however you judge. Like I said, you can't judge a book by its cover. Never make assumptions and relate them to another person. We are all different. We all have different world views. Some believe in forever, some don't.
For example, my parent's didn't... I do.

Either way, I am blessed for what all I've gone through. I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. I have never been stronger. I can only thank certain individuals for helping me along this process. Not only in the pain, but before that. I would never be as healthy as I am, eat the way I eat, accomplish my forever dream as an Esthetician, and most importantly... through it ALL, I am strong enough to love even without being loved.

God is here. And He makes all things possible.

lil'guy

When you feel your hearts guarded
And you see the breaks starting
When the clouds are far departed
You'll be right here with me

You'll be right here with me


Dear Dillon,
I know these words are a reality to you, to where you feel your hearts guarded, and you see the breaks starting, but I promise you the clouds will depart, and you will see the sun shine again and soon you'll be right here with me again.

Son, I promised you things I should never have. You've been through pain you should have never gone through, and I am to blame for putting you there. I promised you he would never leave. I'm sorry. I feel like I lied. I take full responsibility for putting you here and for your heart breaking. You don't deserve it.

I want you to know how amazing you are. I never met a boy like you. You are the healthiest, most athletic kid that I've ever seen. There is something very very special about you. You may not see it right now, but I do. And God always has. Even before you were born.

Just remember, I make mistakes too. I'm sorry for promising things that are out of my control. I can't control whether people come or go, but one thing I do know... is I will always be here. And I am waiting for you.

With my arms held wide open, I'm waiting for the moment you run into my arms.
We will never be apart again.
Through all of this, I have come to recognize and realize alot of things.
You are my everything. And I will never leave you.
You are all I need.

Waiting for your return.

In Strength,
Mommy

From this day forward, I want to make sure you live the best life. I don't want to bug you about the small stuff. Instead... I want to eat peanut butter out of the jar with you. I want you to be able to make some mistakes and sit back and watch how you correct them. I want to see you get excited about your constant progress in all your hard work and dedication.

It's just me and you now. And there is one thing I can promise. It's me... and you lil'guy. Get ready, because we're about to have more fun then we've ever had before.
I love you more then the stars.

One Way Ticket

Standing on the border
Looking out into the great unknown
I can feel my heart beating faster as I step out on my own
Theres a new horizon and the promise of favorable wind
Im heading out tonight, traveling light
Im gonna start all over again

And buy a one way ticket on a west bound train
See how far I can go (because I can)
Im gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain
And talk to someone I dont know (because I can)
I will face the world around me
Knowing that Im strong enough to let you go
And I will fall in love again
Because I can

Gonna climb the mountain
And look the eagle in the eye
I wont let fear clip my wings and tell me how high I can fly
How could I have ever believed
That love had to be so blind
When freedom was waiting, down at the station
All I had to do was make up my mind

And buy a one way ticket on a west bound train
See how far I can go (because I can)
Im gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain
And talk to someone I dont know (because I can)
I will face the world around me
Knowing that Im strong enough to let you go
And I will fall in love again
Because I can

Well, I have walked through the fire
And crawled on my knees through the valley of the shadow of doubt
Then the truth came shining like a light on me and now I can see my way out

Im gonna buy a one way ticket on a west bound train
See how far I can go (because I can)
Im gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain
And talk to someone I dont know

Im gonna buy a one way ticket on a west bound train
Gonna have my breakfest with some pink champagne
Im gonna sail the ocean, I'm gonna spread my wings
Im gonna climb that mountain, gonna do everything!!!

Bloody Mess!

I woke up bright and early, my heart already racing because I know the time is coming to face something I don't want to face.

Court... 8:30am, about the divorce.

It's like taking the deep cut you have, and after it's healed and scabbed over, not quite healed... you rip it off and it starts to hurt again. I can see why God hates divorce. It hurts in so many ways.

Let's take it 2 months back when he surprised me as I got home from school one day, Actually Thurs. Feb. 26th, 2009 at 3pm I walked into the house with nothing but divorce papers sitting the back of the couch, which is right in front of the front door.... starring at me as I walk it. What a welcome home. So ever since this journey began, I've searched and searched and searched for an attorney that would do my case probono because well... I wasn't left with anything.

I had a wonderful group of friends, prayer partners, groups at church, pastors, students, teachers, doctors, YOU NAME IT... They are wonderful prayer warriors in this whole thing!!! I don't know the outcome, but God does. And I trust Him.

Okay, so I have all my documents, paper work, everything that I think I need, everything that all these individuals helped me with I have to bring to court. I am so scared! I'm acting as if I'm an attorney. I'm representing myself. I DON'T KNOW THE LAW! I know GODS law! But I don't know Texas law what-so-ever!!! But I'll stand strong as a faithful servant, and do what I need to do in Jesus name.

I arrive in downtown. Heart racing, thoughts of representing myself, paperwork, is he going to be there a man who once said he loves me but says he no longer does, it's two against one and feeling like a war zone and it only builds the pain within me, feelings of being so alone by the people who abandoned you,...
I park my car.
As I get out of my car, I walk over to the passengers side to get my purse and documents. When I open the car door and was reaching in to grab my things, a man pulls up behind me and lays on his horn. I yells at me saying "You are in my parking spot! It's assigned parking, and you need to move!" I frantically tell him sorry and start scurrying around and as I close the door to go back to the drivers side to move my car for him... as I had JUST turned around I realized...

I just locked my keys in the car!
I have 15 minutes before I have to be in the courtroom to represent myself!

As all these thoughts reoccur, additionally I have this man yelling at me about his parking space. A man walks by and asks if anyone has a key to my car that I can call. I tell him I have no family, my husband has the other key and he wouldn't dare help me. The conversation happened so fast, when I asked him for his umbrella. I took it and hit the glass 2 times before it shattered. What I didn't know is that my hand must have been close to the end of the umbrella, because for it seems like 5 whole seconds.... BEFORE the blood started to come, I actually saw the bone in my finger. It was about an inch long cut. But when it started to bleed, it didn't stop! It bled like I've never ever seen blood flow before!

So the man with the umbrella went to his meeting and the guy yelling at me had parked and came to me with 2 packs of gauze he had in his car. Even with the attitude he still had... may I say the gauze was just a simple plan of God?

Secondly he said I needed to go to the ER right away. I said no. I have to be in court! He actually walked me to the family law building. There was a LONG line of people waiting to go through security (taking off shoes, etc.) I don't know if this guy was an attorney or what, but I somehow dodged the entire line, and was okayed to go around no problem. I went straight to the elevator and went to the 4th floor. Alone.

I found the courtroom. No purse in hand. No documents. Nothing. Just Faith.

Pushing my pain to the side and not allowing this major MAJOR distraction cause me to not attend court, I serve the Lord and with my head held high I walk into the courtroom. An officer from the front walks back to me and asks to talk to me outside the doors. He tells me that I need to go straight to the hospital. I told him no. I had court I have to attend. I don't have an attorney, I can't afford one, I am representing myself and I HAVE to be here! I started to tear up.

He points to a little room off front doors of the court room. I sit down at the little table. Overwhelmed by emotions and "re-ripping this scab off this deep wound" I fall into tears. I pray.

Out of ABSOLUTELY NO WHERE... a lady walks in to the room. Sits in front of me and says "I understand you do not have an attorney". I told her yes, that I was representing myself. I can't cover my own bills, I cannot pay for an attorney. She then said "I would like to represent you... for free".

Oh! Did the tears start to come! Lord, you are here! You heard my cries! Lord, you showed me by being faithful, YOU WILL PROVIDE!!!

No matter the distraction! No matter the trial! No matter the pain!
God has an outcome! Love, peace and patience is what we need to have faith in.
Trust me... it works! Even after the entire 2 months of looking. God provided seconds before the scheduled court date. Fully be His servant! Don't let thoughts of failure stop you! Move forward. You may not see the light, but God is directing you the whole way!

!!!!!HIS LOVE NEVER FAILS!!!!!


I'm a pretty tough girl. I can handle alot. Especially after these last couple of months!

The string! Yes, I was taking these pictures.

The grand finale! For seeing my bone, I'm surprised it was only 3 stitches!



I'm one woman, that one man is going to be happy to have by his side. Strong in many ways. I will love at no end. I will not turn my back on you.
Like a wonderful friend of mine said to me, God could have been preparing me from having more heart ache and pain. I would have stayed there my entire life. But let there now be healing on both sides! It doesn't stop me from praying for him.